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Chapter Twenty-Six


I opened the Escalade door and got inside. Nick was sitting there, fist balled and biting his knuckles, staring at the wheel in silence. I slid my seat belt across my chest calmly and stared straight ahead. A million thoughts were going through my head. I glanced over at him. He still hadn't moved. I wondered what he was thinking.

I cleared my throat.

He looked up at me.

"What was that?" I asked.

He lowered his fist from his mouth. "I... was hoping that... if I did it... if I kissed you... that..." he paused. "I was hoping I wouldn't... feel... anything."

I nodded slowly. "And?"

Nick stared at me like I was a dangerous object he was being threatened by. "...I did."

"You did?"

"I did." He paused. "Didn't you?"

"It doesn't matter if I did or not," I answered.

"But did you?"

I nodded.

Nick took a deep breath. He stared out the window at the hood of the Escalade. I stared, too. Mostly because I felt like I should, not because I felt like I had to. "What does this mean?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know," I replied. "Does it mean anything?"

"It must mean something," he said.

I stared ahead. I didn't know what to say. My palms were sweating and I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what he was saying, what was happening, what the kiss and these words all meant about what tomorrow would hold. My throat ached with desire to say what I was thinking it meant, what I wanted it to mean, but I didn't dare to speak.

He turned the key in the ignition and started driving - at a much more normal speed now - and we just sat in silence, neither of us daring to look at the other. He took the next exit and turned around and the city lay before us, glowing in the night and obliterating the stars. It was nearly four in the morning by the time Nick pulled up in my driveway. We sat there again in silence for a long moment.

"I don't wanna go home," he said thickly.

"Come inside," I replied.

He followed me to the door of the house, and I pushed it open and we walked in and Nick looked around as I closed and locked it behind us. I turned from the door, leaned against it, watched him stand there in the center of the dining room-living room area. He turned around and looked at me. He walked over and put a hand flat against the door, cornering me in, and he stared into my eyes. I stared right back.

Nick leaned forward and kissed my forehead softly.

A shiver shot up my spine. I trembled under his lips. He smiled and shifted his trajectory, kissing my mouth, softly and sweetly. He pressed his other hand against the door so I was boxed between his palms, like he was doing a push up around me. I just stood there, feeling his presence. He pulled away and he stared into my eyes again for a long moment.

"You're... intoxicating," he whispered.

"Am I?"

"I've never... felt like this before. I don't know what this is."

I shrugged, "I don't know what you're feeling."

"I feel... reckless..." he said quietly.

He closed his eyes, just inches from me, and I stared at the feathery texture of his eyelashes as they rested against the skin beneath his eyes, and when he reopened them, I was staring into the mystically deep blue of them.

"I see you," I whispered.

Nick put his hands on me. On my hips. He pulled me closer, slipping his fingers through my belt loops and holding me steady. He turned me gently, never breaking our eye contact. As though my instinct, he led me through the house to my bedroom, and he leaned into me all the way until I was laying across the bed, my blonde hair flying out around me, and our mouths touched as he lay over me. "Wait..." I said, "Wait..." And he rolled off of me. "Wait here just one second," I said.

Nick watched as I got up and left the room. I went to the bathroom where my good lingerie was in a laundry basket in the closet and I pulled out a hot pink bra and matching panty set and slid them on and ran a razor over my legs real quick. I lathered my skin with moisturizer and spitzed with a light raspberry body mist. I brushed my teeth. As I brushed, I stared into my own eyes in the mirror. Was this a good idea? I wondered. Or was I setting myself up for heartbreak by allowing him to come here like this, in a hurricane of emotion and self-admitted recklessness? But I wanted it so bad, I thought to myself, I could feel it already, even as I stood there. My body ached for it tonight, like my heart ached for him, for a connection... But did I want it like this?

I went back, my heart pounding, and I leaned against the door frame.

Nick looked up from the bed.

I'd half expected him to have been on the phone with Cora when I returned. Half expected the moment to be ruined by my pause in the action, half thought that I'd ruin it by over thinking or whatever. But he wasn't on the phone, and the moment was only perfected when he whispered, "Wow."

"I have three rules," I said lowly.

Nick looked at me expectantly.

"Number one," I said slowly, "If I sleep with you, I can't be just another girl you've fucked. I can't be just one of a nameless stream of women that you've been with. Do you understand me?"

Nick nodded.

"Number two," I said, "If I sleep with you, I can't just be a rebound because Cora hurt you tonight. I can't just be something you do because what you want to do isn't available. Do you understand me?"

He nodded again.

"And number three," I said, "If I sleep with you, it's going to be slow... one step at a time... This is love, not fucking. And if that's not true, then it needs to stop. Right now." Nick stared up at me as I walked across the room until I stood at the edge of the bed directly between his knees, staring down at him as he sat there, eye level with my breasts, staring up at me. "Do you understand me?" I whispered.

He nodded.

I ran my hands through his hair, his head tilted back and he closed his eyes and just felt my touch. I grinned down at him. "Okay," I said gently, "You call the shots from here, Carter... Just play by the rules."

"I will," he promised.