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Chapter Thirty-Five


"They said don't touch, that you're not good for me... But I couldn't resist... The more you tell me no, the more that I want it... And now aren't I sorry, for all the things I've done... Turns out they were right and I ended up burned... Oh I've been a bad bad girl... I guess this is what I get for playing with fire... You took my love and broke my heart... I guess this is what I get for playing with fire... Playing with fire... I- I- I- I-.... I - I- I- I-.... played with fire."

Addison's song was all the hell over the radio. Her voice filled grocery stores and the mall and blasted from peoples stereos in midday traffic. It was a catchy song, I understood why everyone was listening madly to it. Under any other circumstances I knew I would've been, too. But it was driving me crazy because I didn't hear it for the first time squealing in the living room with Addie. It broke my heart because this was exactly what we'd both always dreamed would happen... but it was happening without me involved.

I wanted to call her but Nick kept telling me that she'd call when she was ready. "If you call her, she's just gonna be a bitch," he said, "I learned that from trying to call my siblings before. When they're ready to talk to you, they'll call, but if you call before that all you're gonna get is hurt."

I nodded. And I didn't call her.

The song shot through the Billboard charts like it, too, was on fire. At some point it crossed the line of being a cool tribute to Z's death and it became purely about Addison. Over the next week, she was on TV on various talk shows with Cora and they promoed the hell out of the tour. "We have a duet we'll be performing for the first time on stage," Cora said on Good Morning America.

Addison nodded, "It's hotter than hell. The whole tour is."

I looked over at Nick who was sitting beside me on the couch eating cereal, watching the show with me. "Let's watch something else."

"You're the one that wanted to see it," he said. "And you have the remote."

I looked down and realized he was right, I did. I lifted it to change the channel. I paused. Addison was just about to perform her song for the first time live. My heart caught in my throat and I lowered the remote as the thick drumline started beating and she stood back to the audience... She whipped around, her hair fanning out around her. "They said don't touch..." she began.

I threw the remote across the couch to Nick and got up and went to the bathroom. I wiped my face with a wet cloth so I didn't have to admit, even to myself, that I was crying. I clutched the edge of the bathroom sink and coughed. The door opened and Nick came in, ran a hand over my back, and pulled me up from bending over the basin. He turned me so I was facing him, face soaked and all, and he softly brushed my hair behind my ears. He stared down into my eyes, "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"I hate that I'm not a part of this," I choked. "We waited for this our whole lives."

"I know," Nick whispered. Then he bent softly forward and pressed his mouth against mine. My lips tingled with the touch of him and I wrapped my arms around his neck and he tightened his touch against my back, pressing our torsos together... his hand slipped over the curve of my bottom and he hummed in my mouth. Then he turned me, backed me into the hallway and we bumped into the wall. I scrambled my hand behind me until I found the door knob for the bedroom and we stumbled through it, our mouths never breaking apart...

We fell onto the bed and his hands pushed up my shirt, slid it off my head, and my mind spun as the cotton separated us and when he came back into view I stared up at the curve of his chin, at the blue of his eyes... at the way his hair hung over his forehead... He smiled and slid his own shirt off over his head and reached for his belt buckle. I didn't stop staring at him, even as he looked down to undo his jeans. I could hardly breathe.

Nick dropped his jeans and undid mine as I lay there, arms over my head still. He bent down and when he undid the button, he kissed my stomach. I shifted my hips and moaned. He laughed and pulled my jeans away, kissed up my torso until he was face to face with my bra, and kissed softly in the gap between the cups, his eyes rolled up to look at me. He looked like a fierce cat about to pounce, a lion or something. His hands snaked up the sides until they tangled with my fingers over my head and he straddled me, his charcoal colored boxers buldging against me. He ran his hands over my bra, around the back of me, and undid the clasp.

The sound of GMA echoed through the house and down the hall, though it was too quiet to hear the singing or talking, only the cheering, and it was like we had an audience cheering us on as Nick descended mouth-first upon me. I ran my hands through his hair and gasped for breath.

"Oh my God," I choked as he slid his fingers against me. I felt every muscle in my body tighten and he laughed around my breast, his mouth barely pausing in its work to make the husky sound. I felt my eyes roll back and I grabbed onto the pillow's edges with my fists.

"You ain't felt nothin' yet," he whispered, and he kissed a trail down the length of me, pulling away my panties as he went... I thought my heart would stop. I gasped and moaned and kicked my legs and he grabbed hold of my knees and held them down. He laughed, "Don't kill me..."

"You're killing me," I moaned.

Nick grinned, and leaned into me. I felt like screaming. I've never felt like screaming during sex before, but the anticipation had been building since I met him and he was like... I don't know, it was like he was electrically charged, like every time our skin made contact it sent currents through me, and when his mouth touched me... I seriously thought I might black out. It was like there were fireworks behind my eyelids, like my world was shattering, like I might die right there because surely nothing else would ever, ever be good again after he stopped. This was the end all moment. The apocalypse.

"Nick! Holy shit!" I yelled.

He suddenly stopped and I panted, sweat covering my brow and my breasts, and he crawled across the bed until he was leaning over me. He stared down into my eyes. I wanted him in me so fucking bad. I reached for him, pressing my palms against his back, pulled him down on top of me so that I felt the weight of him, his pelvis pressed against mine. At some point he'd shed his boxers, though in all the waves of pleasure that had engulfed my senses, I had not even the faintest idea of when he'd shed that last bit of cloth that parted us.

And then he was there, all around me, enveloping me, inside me, outside me, everywhere. I clutched him, my nails digging into his back, and he moaned into my mouth and we moved together, synchronized to our heartbeats... Our kiss broke apart as the momentum built and Nick pressed his face into my neck as he pressed into me, and I wrapped my legs around him... he rolled over, pulling me on top and I felt like Lady Godiva or something. I bent my knees and used them to push myself up and down, staring at his chest, at his jawline, at his closed eyes as he pressed his head back into the pillow, his mouth open as he gasped air into his lungs. I ran my hands over his chest and abdomen, just feeling his skin and his chest rising and falling. I swear I could almost feel his heart pounding out of his ribcage...

"Sam, oh God Sam," he groaned, and he slid his hands onto my hips, pulled me down, and held me there, gasping for air.

I closed my eyes, and just sat there in the moments following, the adrenaline slowly draining from my veins. Nick's pants were slower, heavier... and finally I rolled away and landed in a garbled heap beside him on the bed. I felt like gelatin. He sounded exhausted. He waited a moment, our bodies just void of energy, and then he rolled over into me, his arm wrapped around my waist, and pressed his face into the back of my neck, pulled me close to him... "I just wanna hold you," he said quietly.

"I'm not going anywhere," I answered, "I don't think I could if I wanted to right now," I laughed softly.

Nick chuckled into my hair.

"You're incredible," I whispered.

But I don't know if he heard me because he'd fallen asleep.

I lay there in the dark, feeling him breathing as he slept, and realized I had Addison's song stuck in my head.

I guess this is what I get for playing with fire....