It was a normal morning at the nursing home…starting for most residents at the butt crack of dawn when Kevin set off his Larger Than Life horn. The next hour was filled with elderly people trying to put on their socks at the neck breaking speed of snails. Once everyone was up and ready for the day, the main hallway became like a runway with Kevin in the middle, directing traffic with glow sticks. The man had about a million years’ worth of glow sticks in assorted colors which all had a purpose…for example, he says the green glow sticks are to direct those wanting to spend their morning out on the deck and the pink for those who were in need of a depends change. Granted Kevin was the only one who really even kept track of what the hell each color meant but don’t worry…he never hesitated to remind those who had forgotten.
Once the five men finally met up for breakfast...and they finished bitching about how unsatisfactory the lumpy consistency of their oatmeal was…their conversations, shockingly, returned to that of the previous night.
“So when are we gonna bust outta here?” Nickolas actually remembered to not only put his hearing aids in that morning, but to turn them on as well. Surely it was greatly to do with the anticipation of an escape. Ever since his son and granddaughter moved him in, he had been looking for a way out. However, not to anyone’s surprise, he had been unsuccessful at every attempt…but it did make for a fun betting game in the nurse’s break room where they placed wagers upon when his next attempt would take place.
“There’s no time like the present. Right? How are we going to do it though?” Howie sipped on his hot tea, looking back and forth between the others.
“Don’t we need to figure out what we’re going to do…once we’re out?” Raising a brow, Brian tilted his head and reached over to pull out a small notebook from Howie’s wicker basket.
“We can hash out the details once we get out. One step at a time, bro.” AJ rolled his eyes behind his designer prescription shades and set both of his hands on top of his cane, leaning back in his seat. In his mind…his own personal world, he was like the mob boss of the nursing home and he practically ran the place.
“Wait where did Mason go? He was right here a minute ago.” With a concerned look, Kevin got up and started to look around for his oldest son.
“I’ll check the kitchen.” Reversing from the table, Howie exchanged a look with the others.
“I will look outside.” Nick got up, as did AJ. They all knew Mason was most likely at work, given the hour and all, but they also understood that Kevin was in a different time frame, at the moment. So, they all started to ‘look’ for Mason. It was impossible to make Kevin understand that Mason was grown, so for years, the other four men had just played along whenever he needed them to.
“He couldn’t have gone far.” The worry in his voice was growing stronger as he made his way down the hall, opening and closing doors. He only stopped when he heard AJ’s voice shouting.
“We found him! Kristen took him outside to play.” Setting his hand on Kevin’s back, AJ gave him a warm smile. “He is just fine, man. No worries.”
“Oh thank goodness.” The smile was returned and the men all convened back at the table. “So…where were we? Poker right?”
“Dude, that must be so cool.” Nick started to grin widely. “I can’t wait for my ride on that train.”
“Dare I ask what you are talking about, Carter?”
“Think about it Howie. Alzheimer’s is almost like…your own personal time machine!”
“It’s official…the blonde one has completely lost it…gone mad…out to lunch…off his rocker…Nickolas has left the building, mentally speaking.”
“Shut up AJ…I’m serious! Granted he was worried…but he just went back to when Mason was little and we know he loved those years. Wouldn’t it be awesome to relive…loosing your virginity?!?”
“Of all the moments in life, to relive…Nick talks about THAT one. Go figure.”
“I’m sorry if it isn’t religiously correct, Bri…but I miss sex damn it!”
“So do I. But my problem doesn’t come from a lack of ability but rather a lack of willing women. This place is a sexual waste land. Where are all the honeys? The flocking fans? The obsessed groupies? Man do we need this new tour!” AJ let out a frustrated groan as he leaned back in his chair.
“You two need Jesus. Thant’s all I’m sayin’.” Brian couldn’t help but shake his head at the other two. He didn’t understand why they always had put so much emphasis on sex anyways. It wasn’t all there was to life…or even to a relationship. Yes, ok, he and Leighanne had an amazing intimate life but it was far from being the foundation of their love…of their deep friendship…of their marriage.
“Is Jesus gonna help me get laid? Cuz it’s been…uh…”
“You know it’s been entirely too damn long when you have to use your fingers to count how many years it’s been since your dick got wet, Nick. It’s been nearly 2 years for me. That’s unheard of!”
“Shit…are you serious?!?” Howie nearly choked on his drink as he looked at AJ with wide eyes. “It hasn’t even been that long for me! It was only about 9 months ago that I got a little somethin’ somethin’.”
“How the hell did you manage that? Where was I? Why didn’t you hook a brotha up?!” AJ returned the look of complete shock. “That’s not even right, D. But still…give us details. Was it good? Kinky? Rough? Fast? Slow?”
“This conversation is highly inappropriate and I would appreciate a change of topic.”
“Shut up Brian!” AJ and Nick chimed in unison and they each waved a hand in Brian’s direction.
“Oh it was hot. She was hot.” Howie smirked, getting a kick out of how intent the other two men were listening. Usually he didn’t get this kind of reaction from them when it came to ‘locker room talk’. In years past, it was always Nick and AJ with the wild sex stories, not him.
“I bet she was blonde.” With a simple nod of the head and a nonchalant tone to his voice, Kevin randomly popped into the conversation. “Howie always liked the blonde ones.”
“As a matter of fact…she was. And…best of all…she was only 53.” Jaws around the table dropped since that meant she was about 30 years younger than him. He wiggled his brows and soaked up the attention he was getting…man it felt good. “Oh…and flexible to boot, too.”
“How the fuck did HE score that shit?!” AJ pointed a thumb in Howie’s direction as he looked at Nick for an answer. He only received a shrug of the shoulders, though.
“Beats the hell out of me. I’m supposed to be the cute one…remember?”
“So the fuck what?! I’m the sexy bad boy!”
“But…I…am the latin lover…and she needed a little spice in her life…if you catch what I’m sayin.”
“Then tell her to put some damn hot sauce on her eggs! I’ll buy her a whole fuckin case of it! I will even settle…for a damn blow job! Shit!”
“All this sex talk is making me…horny.”
“They have toys for that Nick.” All eyes were suddenly on Kevin, everyone just looking at him funny. Kevin wasn’t exactly a stranger to sex talks but suggesting toys?! “What? A man has got to do…what a man has got to do. Get a little KY…find a toy that’s gonna work best for you…and go to town.”
“Oh…my…god. Maybe we SHOULD change the topic of discussion. I suddenly side with Brian.” The table went silent for a moment as all eyes now shifted to AJ. “Yeah…I’m agreeing with Brian. Miracles DO happen and there IS a first time for everything. You know what…shut up. Screw y’all.”
“Mhm. What did I just tell ya? Ya need Jesus. If you just read the Bibles I got you each for Christmas…”
“See…here’s the thing Bri…well…I had a really bad craving for s’mores last week…and…”
“Oh snap! Nick turned your gift into a bon fire, Bri. Isn’t that like…sacrilegious or something. Don’t you go to hell for that shit? Or is it…that one place that’s like between heaven and hell?”
“You mean purgatory J? Is that place even real? I’m not really going to hell am I?” Nick’s eyes were about as big as baseballs now, looking between each of the guys and waiting for an answer.
“I think purgatory is just a Catholic thing. Or am I wrong? Howie? Brian?” Now that the subject was brought up, AJ was quite curious as to how, exactly, Nick would get punished for his actions. Even AJ knew better than to burn a Bible for a silly purpose like roasting marshmallows. He didn’t really know if there was ANY reason that was good enough to make doing that acceptable, but he was positive s’mores wouldn’t qualify. But then again…it was just paper…so maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought.
The others seemed to have varying opinions as well and they all spent the next hour debating the subject, off and on between other random subjects, that is. As a matter of fact, they never did get back to the discussing the idea of another tour, that day. They didn’t actually really return to that discussion until a few days later and it was completely by mistake. See…it all came back up because Brian had his head stuck…
