I hide myself within my flower,
That fading from your Vase,
You, unsuspecting, feel for me—
Almost a loneliness.

“I Hide Myself within my Flower” by Emily Dickinson

~ 17 ~

One Small Light

Howie sat under that picnic table for what felt like eternity, just listening to the rain hitting the top and plinking off the sides. He found the sound oddly relaxing and even closed his eyes a couple of times to sleep before remembering “Oh, yeah I’m under a picnic table in the middle of the woods in the pitch black where at any moment anything can come out of nowhere and maul me to death.” That realization would have him open his eyes and continue to just rock under the table. That’s the other thing he found himself doing, rocking back and forth as if he was an autistic child. So he sat with legs crossed Indian style and rocked, even hummed a bit and hoped that the rain would die down soon.

Ever since this had happened, he had done nothing but second guess his decisions and this one would be no different. The new dilemma being tossed about in his head was whether to just spend the rest of the night under the table and move in the morning, or instead keep moving as soon as the rain was gone. At first he was set on staying put because it just seemed like the safer thing to do. Why risk trolling around the woods in the middle of the night without being able to see anything and risk being attacked or falling and hurting himself, but of course as the night progressed and he had nothing to do but just sit there, other thoughts came to his mind, mostly about Tim.

He really hadn’t thought that much about Tim coming to find him, but most likely, by now, Tim was looking for him and as much as he would have loved to convince himself otherwise, the truth of the matter was he didn’t really get all that far away. It just felt like he had been walking forever in the woods but he was lost and had no real way of knowing how far he had actually traveled. For all he knew, he was only a half a mile from the road he had left behind, in which case it would take Tim no time at all to find him.

And then there was the flashlight he stupidly dropped. Of course he missed that thing for more reasons than you could imagine but by dropping it where he did, he had essentially left a starting point for Tim’s search.  Of course, it was dark and there was a very good chance he wouldn’t even see it on the side of the road, but if he was truly looking like Howie suspected he would be, chances are he would be going really slow, trying to figure out where it was he went. Once he saw that flashlight just sitting there he would be heading right in this direction and right towards the picnic table Howie was sitting under presently.

Granted, all of this was speculation. It was possible that Tim wouldn’t even bother looking for him. Maybe he would decide that Nick was good enough and assume the bears or wolves just got to Howie. Or maybe he would wait until it was light out before he started his search in which case, again the chances of being found by Tim would completely increase the longer he waited to move. So, As much as he didn’t want to, he came to realize that he needed to keep going, dark or not.

He wasn’t exactly sure how long he had sat under that table, maybe a few hours, but eventually his eyes began to adjust to the darkness. He figured it was after midnight easily by now, maybe even later. Howie tried not to think about how any of this was affecting Nick. He just hoped that Tim didn’t take out his anger on his younger friend. It was with that thought he finally made his way from under the safety of the picnic table and out into the wilderness.

His legs felt like jelly at first and his back hurt from being hunched over for as long he was and then there was his arm. While he was under the table, he hadn’t really thought about the pain but now that he was up and moving around again, the dull throb had returned. He just kind of stood in place for a few minutes to work out the kinks in his back and march in place to get his feet and legs going again.

He decided that going the way he had come was his best bet. Maybe if he found the road he was on originally, he could stay in the woods but just hidden behind the first line of trees so this way if Tim were to pass by, he would go unnoticed. If he were to happen to see any other vehicle, he’d be able to run out and flag them down. Of course, he would actually have to find his way back to the road. He wished he had Kevin with him.

Kevin was phenomenal when it came to directions. All the guys were routinely blown away by his navigational skills. No matter where they were, Kevin always managed to figure out the right way to go to get them where they needed to be. Even without a map he would put his finger in his mouth and then hold it up to the sky. Of course they’d all be making fun of him but then he’d point, they would follow and without fail, he was right. It was kind of annoying, but useful.

Kevin would have never gotten lost in the woods, but then again he would’ve probably never dropped the flashlight and run away like a little girl either. He would have never let Tim take Nick away and if he did he would have never just left not knowing what would happen to Nick as a result.

Howie shook his head; he was feeling useless once again.

“Doubting yourself will not help you get out of this, Howie!” He started talking out loud again. But this time, the words didn’t come from him, they came from his Father.

When Howie was a small boy, he always thought he was second best to pretty much everyone. There was nothing extraordinary about him as opposed to the rest of his siblings. He often put himself down. His father when hearing his youngest child talk about himself the way he sometimes did, would take him aside and scold him. It’s actually the only time his dad would ever yell at Howie. “You are not useless! I never want to hear you say that, do you understand me? God made you to be special and when you go on talking about yourself like that, what you’re really saying is God has no idea what he’s doing. Is that what you think son?” Howie would shake his head, horrified that maybe somewhere up there in Heaven God was crying because of his self-doubt. “Then I don’t ever want to hear you say those things ever again!”

And he really tried to listen to his father and keep the negative thoughts out. For the most part he did, but every so often they crept up out of nowhere. He looked up at the sky “Sorry Dad.” He then continued onward, out of the clearing and back into the den of the tall tall trees. That was his new nickname for the hell he had come to call home for the last several hours. Hell on Earth was a much better moniker but also way overused. At least Den of the tall tall trees sounded poetic in a way, almost like the title of a really cool song.

He found not only his eyes adjusting to the dark, but he was also becoming immune to the sounds of the night that had previously spooked him. Every time he stepped on a twig and it made a cracking sound, he was convinced something was coming for him, now he kind of got that the cracking twig sound just came with the territory. He was grateful that he no longer saw anything even remotely resembling a bear or wolf or yeti or whatever else could potentially eat him. He did hear an owl hooting somewhere off in the distance. He had never seen a real owl before. Owls were neat. Out of all the birds, they had to be the coolest. He shook his head and smiled, “I’m thinking all randomly and all over the place like you now, Nicky.”

A flash of light distracted him from his thoughts. At first he figured maybe it was lightening but it was too low and small to be anything like that. He stopped and tried not to make a sound as he heard twigs breaking under someone’s feet; someone that wasn’t him. He wasn’t sure what he should do. His survival instinct wanted him to yell for help. Maybe this was a search party. Maybe Nick had been found, the rest of the guys rescued and only he was missing. It would make sense then to send people into the woods to find him.

The flashlight, which he thought would seal his fate, might have actually saved his life. They probably found it on the side of the road and that’s how they knew to come looking for him. He was about to shout when the voice of his father told him not to. Just wait a few more minutes Howie. Because if it is help, they wouldn’t be all alone, there would be more. Just wait until you see one more light, then you can yell as loud as you want, until then just hush.

He tried to move behind the tree he was standing next to as he watched the small light move closer and closer to him. His heart raced but his mind wasn’t sure which emotion to turn on, fear or relief. He was really hoping to see other lights following this one, but unfortunately they were not to be found. The small light was almost parallel to where he was standing so Howie was able to make out the shadow of the man holding it.

The correct emotion was fear as there was no mistaking the person roaming around him was Tim. He could hear him whistling as suddenly the light flashed only inches away from where he was standing before floating over in the other direction. A few more broken twigs being crunched under his feet accompanied by louder whistling and then he stopped again, standing just behind where Howie was hiding.

If this were a movie soundtrack, the strings would have been in tremolo mood, the bows moving in super-fast speed with louder frequency just as Tim turned and headed right in Howie’s direction. He stood unsure of what to do, when that inner voice that had told him to stay quiet was now telling him to run.

His mind went into fast action mode, thinking it was best to run in the same direction he had seen Tim coming from. Chances were that was the road, so he took off as fast as he could, trying to be as quiet as possible but the breaking twigs under his feet kind of announced his presence.

“Howie, is that you?” He heard Tim ask as he saw the light shine in his direction, but miss him.

“No need to run, it’s me…Tim! I’m here to help. You’ll be safe now.”

He continued to run feeling his captor following him. This time around he was doing a much better job at staying calm and concentrating so he would avoid another fall.

“Howie” Tim called, “Please stop, I’ll never be able to catch up to you if you keep running like this.”

Howie couldn’t believe what he was hearing coming out of this guy’s mouth. He acted like he was being the hero instead of the villain. Now that he had a firm idea on the direction he was going, he decided to veer off slightly, hoping to throw Tim off by making a lot of noise going that way, and then sneak back the other one.

He changed his mind however when he thought he saw the truck just past a line of trees. He took a deep breath and decided he was going to run as fast as he had ever run before, get to that truck, where he was sure Nick would be tied up, jump inside and take off. Leaving Tim stranded on the side of the road. Lots of things would have to fall into place for this to happen but he had to take his chances so he bolted in the direction of the truck.

The strings at this point would be joined by the entire orchestra increasing in volume with the timpani banging away once Tim actually saw Howie running towards that truck. Howie felt the flashlight shine on his back as his captor actually laughed, “There you are! I see you!”

Howie ignored him and just kept running, making it out of the woods and up the small incline towards the truck. He ran to the driver’s side door and was happy to see it unlocked, “I’m here Nicky, let’s get out of…” He stopped when he noticed his friend wasn’t in the car like he had planned.

“I have used this once already today; don’t make me use it again!”

Howie turned towards Tim who was standing directly behind him, towards the back of the truck holding the rifle in his hands.

“What do you mean you used it once already? Where’s Nicky?” Howie was alarmed, once again looking in the truck as if his friend would magically appear upon hearing his name.

“I’m glad you’re safe, Howie. As far as Nick, There’s been a complication. Let’s go home; we have a lot to talk about.”

The music slowly fading to the sound of one violin holding a note full of vibrato slightly before coming to a sudden stop.