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Chapter Eighteen

Nick


I opened my eyes.

The grill of the eighteen wheeler gleamed in the moonlight. I swallowed. My throat burned. "Fuck," I breathed into the dark. I leaned back in my seat, staring ahead at the sliver sheen of the metal through a web of frozen, shattered glass. "FUCK!" I yelled it that time, loudly enough that it echoed off the hill and the trees and whatever was beyond them. I struggled out of the car, my feet slipping on the glass that was scattered across the dashboard.

I crawled across the hood of the car and turned and started kickin; the crap out of it. "FUCK YOU," I screamed, "FUCK YOU!" I looked up at the cloudy night and I bellowed, "YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, GOD? You like fuckin' with my head like this? Making me run all the fuck over the world? Well -- FUCK. YOU."

I balled my fist and tried to punch the hood of the car. My hands were barely able to make the fist, they were shaking so hard, and it was more like smackin' the car.

"Fuck you," I groaned and I leaned against the car and slid to the cement. I was so angry, I could barely contain my anger But I think, even though I was taking my anger out on God, I was really just pissed at myself. Why couldn't I just have been happy when I had the fucking chance? I wondered. Why couldn't I just have been content?

Why'd I have to be a jackass to Brian? If I had just been a good, understanding friend in the first place then Eddie wouldn't have rented that car and we wouldn't have been in this mess... but then, I wouldn't have ever met Margo... Well I should've at least been contented with Margo. How many songs in the world -- hell, in my own catalog! -- talked about the idea of making all the world stop spinning to be with the one you love? But I couldn't just be happy to have her, couldn't just be content with her. I had to go and fuck everything up, trying to have it all, everything. I was a stupid, selfish idiot sometimes. And yeah, I was friggin' pissed at myself.

I sat there staring at my sneakers internally cussing myself out until my anger had dissolved into tears and I pressed my face into my knees and hugged my legs, just sitting there in front of the paused accident. I was crying like a damn two year old, I swear it...

I don't know how long I spent like that. Maybe an hour? I dunno because, like Margo had said, it was impossible to keep track of time. But after a bit, I ran out of tears and my stomach was all sick from crying. I knew I needed to come up with a plan - something beside sitting there and crying to the point of nearly throwing up.

The way I saw it, I had two choices.

One - I could go back to the hospital and stay with Margo, just kinda... I dunno, stay there at the hospital until.... something happened, I guess. Or, two - I could go. Just go - go and see stuff, go do something with myself... Maybe I could drive to the shoreline, and -- like, I dunno, maybe find a boat and like... boat somewhere where there was sunlight and I could -- I dunno... I could fish.

Or at least finally learn how to be contented.

Maybe somewhere in Australia.

I pictured boating to Australia.

Maybe I'd find someone else who was unpaused there.

But I didn't want anyone else. I wanted Margo.

But she wouldn't want me to just stay there at the hospital for all my -- was this life?

I stood up resolutely.

I'd made up my mind.

I walked back to the BMW, swiping my eyes with the back of my hand.




Brian

Margo was sitting up in bed, and I was sitting in the wheelchair, rolling myself forward and backward and forward again. Leighanne had gone downstairs to call our lawyer to try to get a copy of the guardianship papers faxed as soon as possible.

"We need a second plan," Margo said.

I looked up at her. "Like what?"

"I dunno," she sighed, frustrated. She leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. "Is his momma always a bitch?"

"Pretty much," I answered.

"She seriously just... gave up custody of him to you?" Margo asked.

I shrugged and wheeled myself in a tight circle. "Well I mean he was a kid on tour, and she trusted me and he listened to me and stuff 'cos...well, like, at that point, he pretty much worshiped me..." I shook my head. Disappointing Nick, breaking that trust that he had in me at that age, it was one of the things that I regretted the most.

Margo had her eyes closed. I thought she might've fallen asleep until she suddenly sat up. "I have an idea."

I raised an eyebrow.

She bit her lip. She hugged a pillow to her chest. "Shit."

"What?"

"Nick... was he... is he... is he really good at keeping promises?"

I rubbed my hands on my knees. "Sometimes."

"'Cos I have an idea," Margo said, "But... it's... it's risky."

"I'm listening...?"

"Okay," Margo took a deep breath, "It goes like this."