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Chapter Two

Nick


It was a good show. For a few moments during the acoustic set, when we were singing Madeleine and the music was pouring out of the guitars, I looked over at Brian and he smiled at me and it was like the old times, like the days before there were business concerns and dollar signs and women to mess us up.

You know I think about those old days with Lou Pearlman a lot and for all the bullshit the guy put us through he really protected us from a lot, too. I would never tell anyone this but sometimes, when I'm laying alone in the bunk on my private bus and the wheels are humming over the pavement and I can hear the other buses groaning along outside my window, I kind of wish we'd never found out he was screwing us over and we could've lived our whole careers out in that state of excited blindness that we'd started out with.

Maybe that's what people mean when they talk about "the good ol' days" - a time of blissful ignorance, before we knew enough to know better than to be anything but happy.

But there's no stopping time.

After the show we were all headed for our tour buses, splitting apart like the pieces of a broken glass the moment we'd left the stage.

I had my guitar slung over my back and I climbed aboard the bus and opened up the fridge and pulled out a tupperware with a kale salad inside and ripped it open and poured some pine nuts over the top. I grabbed a fork and shoved some of the green leafy veggies into my mouth and stood at the counter, staring out the window as fans started pouring out of the venue and lining up against the barricades that blocked out the path the buses would take.

The bus door opened with a hiss and I turned around to see Brian standing there.

I put down the salad on the counter. "What?" I asked.

"Eddie rented a car."

"What?"

Brian sighed. "Eddie rented a car," he said slowly. "He's serious about this you and me driving thing." He ran a hand against the back of his neck. I could see his fingers working at a knot at the top of his spine. "Leighanne thinks we should do it, too."

"So you're here because Leighanne thinks you should be," I guffawed. I shook my head, "Of course you are. Why else would you agree to do it - or anything else for that matter." I put the tupperware lid back on the salad and chucked the fork into the sink. I was suddenly very not hungry. I bent and shoved it back into the minifridge. "Well fuck you, Brian," I said, "Enjoy the car ride alone."

I could see by the look on his face that he was swallowing back some remark. "Nick," he said finally, "I'm sick of this. I'm sick of fighting with you."

"Yeah well you shouldda thought of that before you started it," I said. I sat down and grabbed the remote for my TV and turned it on.

"I didn't -- God damn it, Nick. Turn the TV off."

I ignored him.

Brian came down the length of the tour bus quick, livid. He reached for the remote and I swung it out of his grasp, standing up so he couldn't get it from my hand, hoisted high over my head.

"Give - me - that!" he shouted, jumping between words.

"Make me," I replied hotly.

"NICK!" he shouted, "YOU WONDER WHY WE FIGHT? YOU ACT LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD! Why don't you just grow up?"

"Because I don't wanna become a giant dink, like you!" I shouted back.

"Fine." Brian turned around and stormed away, "Fine. Just stay here, just - just -- keep your stupid TV remote and your stupid -- you -- and I'll just -- whatever. Just -- forget it." He shook his head, "If you're too far gone to even care enough to try this, then -- then don't. I don't need you anyway. I never did." Brian stamped down the steps and I heard the door slam shut.

I stood there still holding the remote control aloft.

Then I galloped afer him.

I took the steps out of the bus in one colossal leap and rushed around the tail of the bus. A boring old blue car was idling behind the bus, Brian at the wheel. He was adjusting the mirrors. I yanked the passenger door open. "You're so full of shit," I shouted.

Brian looked up.

"You say you don't need me yet you always have," I said.

"The only time I ever needed you, you weren't there," he said, his voice level, cold.

We stared at each other.

"And you've gotten me back a hundred thousand fucking times for that," I replied.

Brian rolled his eyes and looked away. "Just... go back on your damn bus," he said. "Whatever the past, I sure as hell don't need you now."

"No," I answered, "Because I'm not stupid and I'm not immature." I swung myself into the passenger seat. I stared at him, "I'm not a quitter. And I do care enough to do whatever it takes... and maybe if you quit judging me, you'd know that."

Brian sighed, "Fine."

"Fine." I slammed the door and put the remote control on my lap.

"What the hell did you bring that for?" he asked.

"I just forgot to put it down," I answered.

We sat there in silence, watching as the roadies helped direct the drivers in getting the buses lined up and out of the barricades without flattening any of the fans. We could hear them screaming on the other side of the fence as the buses moved slowly, one by one, out of the venue lot.

Brian glanced over at me. "We just gotta make it through this ride," he said, "Make it through this tour. Then we've got a break. Maybe the break will -- help." He shook his head. Even as he said it, I knew he knew that it wouldn't. We'd had a break. We'd had several breaks. None of them had helped. Maybe temporarily. But nothing long term.

"Maybe it's just time to think about --" I paused. I hated to even think the words break up when it came to BSB, but...

"Twenty years," Brian murmured. "Almost twenty-one. You'd think we could figure out something else."

"You'd think," I answered.

Brian stared straight ahead.

But the thing is we'd been trying to think of something else for at least ten of those years.

I don't wanna blame everything between me and Brian on Leighanne, but that's when it really started. Before Leighanne (a time I refer to as BL), Brian was happy and funny and excited and my best friend. Ever since - in the time AL - he'd become slowly, steadily more and more uptight. She started showing up everywhere - I'd invite him to guys night out and he'd bring her. Or she'd call him seventeen times just to check up on him. Then they started getting like uber-Christian and judging everything I did and Brian started this awful habit of correcting almost everything I had to say.

Once the buses had rolled out of the lot and we'd followed, the headlights pierced the night, lighting up the road ahead of us and reflecting off the yellow and white lines. I stared out at the conical sphere of light that crisscrossed ahead of us. I was glad Brian was driving - I hate night driving 'cos my eyesight's crappy in the dark, and the glow of the GPS that was directing us along to the next city was enough to impair my vision even more. It occurred to me that maybe Brian had thought of that and that was why he'd just assumed he was driving, but then I remembered he'd gotten in the car thinking he was driving alone.

I looked over at the silhouette of his head as the street lights flashed behind him, lighting up his face and hair in a halo effect. I thought about how different he was - looks wise and personality wise. He looked older than he ever had before to me, and I realized that I didn't really know him anymore, like he was a whole other Brian than the one I knew. I wanted to say that I missed him, but I was afraid he wouldn't get what I meant and he'd say something like I'm right here when what I missed was a version of him that hadn't been there for years and years.

"I know you and Leighanne don't get along," Brian said, catching me looking his direction, "But she really does care about you and she's really championing for this whole road trip therapy thing to work." He smiled as though this would be an impressive fact for me. He flexed his fingers on the wheel.

It's like he's incapable of his own thought, I thought to myself, Apart from Leighanne, he doesn't exist anymore. She ate him whole.

All I wanted in the world was for him to admit that he missed me, too.

I didn't answer the comment about Leighanne. I didn't dare to because I knew I'd say something rude, something about his balls being in her purse, and I looked away and pressed my face to the window as outside it started raining. Brian turned on the windshild wipers and they squeaked their way across the windshield.

He made a frustrated sound that sounded like he might've muttered something under his breath.

I glanced over and raised an eyebrow.

"I think you'll understand me a lot more once you're married," he said.

"Oh?" I asked. I didn't see how I'd understand ignoring your friends in the name of a religious super-bitch that judged them harshly. Bros before hos and all that.

"Yeah," Brian said, "Theres a lot of responsibility you don't think about to it," he continued, "Especially with the added thing of parenthood. I just don't have time, Nick, it's not that I don't care."

"RIght. Your family comes first. I get that." I said. My mouth felt dry as a spark of anger rose up in my gut, "I completely understand not having time for your friend calling you cos his sister just died because you're busy on your fucking family vacation in Savannah seeing your in-laws. It makes complete sense; you couldn't put that on hold for anything."

The memory of the failed attempt to talk to Brian the night I found out about Leslie seared my insides like fire and ice.

"I didn't know," Brian said, "You didn't tell me why you were calling or what was going on. I didn't find out 'til the next day. I didn't know."

"It was all over Twitter. She was a trending topic, for crying outloud, and you were on there blowing up Chirpville."

"I don't pay attention to the trending topics," he said.

"Right."

"Stop that."

"Stop what?" I demanded, "Hurting?"

"Being - being mean about it," he said, "You're being ridiculous."

"Why is it always that I'm being ridiculous? Why is it never I'm sorry you felt like that Nick?"

"Because you're being ridiculous. You expect too much from people, Nick. Way too much."

"I do not."

"You do," Brian exclaimed, frustrated. "Leighanne and I were talking about this just the other day and --"

"Don't you do anything without consulting Boob-job Barbie?!" I cried, "Jesus, Brian, you're not conjoined at the skull, you have your own fucking brain!"

"Her name. is. Leighanne." Brian grit his teeth.

I stared at him. "Boob-job Barbie," I repeated slowly, letting each word drip out of my mouth.

Brian slammed the brakes on.

At first I thought it was because he was pissed and he was about to try to throttle me senseless, but then I realized there was a glowing red light ahead of us and the tour buses taillights were disappearing in the dark across the intersection. The car had skid way over the stop line on a hydroplane. He slammed his palms against the steering wheel and turned to look at me, "Why do you always have to be a complete and total assho---"

Brian stopped mid-word.

His eyes were wide.

I turned and looked around behind me out the window.

The grill of an eighteen-wheeler was staring back at me.