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Chapter Twenty-One

Nick


I could hear her.

Her voice was echoing in my head, like a dream.

But I couldn't keep my eyes open, and I blinked in and out of consciousness as they drooped, then I forced them open again... I struggled, my limbs heavy, trying desperately to move across the floor. "I'm here," I said, my voice catching in my throat so that not even half the words made it out. My lips were dry.

"Where are you?" Margo asked again, voice thick.

"I -- I'm..." but I couldn't get the words out to tell her that I was right outside the door.

I closed my eyes.

This is it, I thought.

"C'mon buddy, you can do this."

"B- Brian?"

"C'mon Nick. You always show'em up... I believe in you. Show'em the impossible." He was whispering.

I forced my eyes opened and looked up at the door of ICU-8.

"Br-- brr-- Brian?"

I paused.

"Bb-bb-brian, he-help mm-me."

If he'd only listen, if he'd only open the door and come out and help me up...

I felt like a fish out of water, like my lungs weren't compatible with the air that was surrounding me. But I gathered every particle of energy left in my body and I forced myself forward... Two feet... four feet... five, six, seven feet... Eight... I stopped, my body aching like hell, my lungs tight in my chest, seeming to have shrunk up. I winced. My heart jolted - stopped, then restarted.

There was a whimper as my heart gave out.

It was Margo.

I hated the sound of her whimper. Hated the idea that my heart stopping hurt her. I wanted to make everything better. I wanted to launch myself up to my feet and rush to her side, show her that it was all going to be okay... but when I tried...

"Oh god-damn," I clutched my chest, where I felt like I was about to be split in two as my heart skipped it's beat again.

I wasn't gonna make it. That was obvious. I was gonna die there alone on the floor of the hospital.

I pressed my forehead to the tile.

But I had to at least see her. She had to see me. She had to see that I kept my promise, that I was there for her, just like I said I would. I couldn't die here, so close, without seeing her one last time.... I had to get in there. I pushed off again.

Nine... ten feet.

I was at the door.

I pushed it open with my head as I crawled through it, not enough strength to lift my arm to shove it open...

"B-brian, he-eelp, I nn-need help..." I begged.

I needed to see Brian, too, before I died. I needed to tell him that I was sorry. For everything.

That's the thought that carried me through the door, wincing and clutching my chest, balling my knees into myself. I looked around blurry-eyed, my head beginning to throb, everything fading in and out...

The room was empty.

Well, I couldn't see if Margo was on the bed from the angle I was at, but I could see that Brian wasn't in there.

I couldn't believe that I was going to die without apologizing to Brian... he'd never know how much I loved him like a brother and how sorry I was for misunderstanding him, for being a prick to him...

My heart jolted again and I closed my eyes so tight I saw spots of color bursting behind my lids and pressed my face to the tile. It stopped longer this time before restarting.

"Mmm-mmargo..." I wheezed.

I'd do anything for her to sit up on the bed, see me, and come to me...

But she didn't. I had to go to her.

I reached my hand out toward the bed, intent on gripping her hand... my palm splayed on the edge of the mattress and I grabbed hold of the guardrails and pulled myself to the bed, my hand shaking, barely able to lift, and I reached up over the edge of the mattress, searching for her hand to hold... but where was it?

"Oh Nick...where are you?" she sobbed.

And with the absolute, last possible breath that I could squeeze from my body I said ---




Brian


His heart was stopping. The monitor would be beeping normally, then suddenly flatline and I felt sick to my stomach every time because I knew one of these times it was gonna do that and there wouldn't be that relief of it catching and beeping again. Eventually it'd just stay flatlined until Carrie turned the monitor off.

And then he'd be gone.

I looked down at Leighanne's fingers laced through mine. I knew I should be looking, that I owed it to him to witness this, but I couldn't stand it. My own heart might stop if I watched his stop.

Then ---

"I'm here."

My head snapped up to look at him as Leighanne dropped my hand and rushed the bed, grabbing hold of his free hand, her eyes wide. "Did he just --" I started, at the same time that Margo shrieked his name and Carrie gasped loudly and sharply.

"Nick?" Leighanne asked quietly, urgently.

I saw Nick's eyes flutter, his eyelashes struggled to part, and revealed his brilliantly blue eyes beneath his lids. They swiveled around the room, taking in a bit of it, and then they met mine and he stared up at me for a long moment. Then, "B-bb-Brian?"

I leaped forward and grabbed his hand away from Leighanne's. "I'm-sorry-You're-my-best-friend-I-was-scared-to-death-about-you-And-you-aren't-an-asshole-I-only-said-that-because-I'm-an-asshole-myself-But-you're-like-a-brother-to-me-and-I-love-you-man,-I-fucking-love-you."

The words had poured out of my mouth all in one breath, like so much bath water, washing away everything.

Nick's eyes rolled lazily, droopy, and he muttered, "I-I'm a-a-- a little b-bit of a- a- an a-a-ah-asshole."

Having said that, Nick looked at Margo.

"What took you so long?" she sobbed, voice shaking.

He stared up at her.

"I j-just wanted t-to make a dr-dramatic ent-tranc-nce," he stammered, and he grinned - weakly, but still a Carter grin, through-and-through.

I laughed. A part of me feared it was a fantasy that I'd created in my mind... a way to pause the inevitable.