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Chapter Eight

Nick


It probably should've occurred to me before that point, standing on Kevin's tour bus all blurry from tears, to ask Margo what her story was. But I'm a little selfish (anyone who knows me will tell you that) and I forget to ask stuff like that, even when I really care. It's the same weird streak of selfishness that makes me forget Brian's birthday every year - something that we always joke about but that probably really hurts his feelings deep down.

After all, Brian's never forgotten my birthday. Not even once. Not even when we were at our most cut-throat.

I looked up at Margo. "Which world is the real world?" I asked. "Ours or theirs?"

She shrugged, "I don't know."

"I feel real," I said. I ran my hand over my chest, feeling myself. "I'm tangible and stuff, aren't I? If you touch me, you touch me, right? You don't just go right on through?"

"Yeah," Margo said.

I was still touching my chest, as though making sure I was actually there. I frowned. "But stuff like this - this doesn't happen in the real world... this whole pausing thing." I took a deep breath. "So we're the fake ones?"

Margo shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well I mean if we're here and they're all here and they're paused here and we're somewere where they aren't paused and there we're paused... then where are we when we're paused and what's that mean, being paused, and how can we unpause us there so that everything can unpause here?"

Margo stared at me for a long moment. "What?"

"I know, that came out all fucky," I said. I took a deep breath. "Okay. So. Like... Like Kevin here. He's here, in my world, paused. Somewhere, in his world, he's unpaused. Right?"

"Yeah," Margo squinted, thinking as she tried to follow my trail of thought.

"So if we are in his world, too, and in his world, we are paused, where are we paused at? And what can we do to unpause ourselves there? Maybe if we can unpause us in their world we'll be able to get out of this paused world here."

"You mean like, line up unpaused us with paused us and maybe that'll unpause us?" Margo asked.

"Yes," I said. Because as fucky as the sentence was, it made complete sense... in context. "I think we need to figure out where we are in the unpaused world and go there and maybe it'll like, fix stuff."

"Okay," Margo said, "But... how in the world do we find ourselves? I mean, we could be anywhere."

"Well if we're paused, we probably ain't movin' too much so..."

"But other people could be moving us. I mean, you moved Brian out of the car, right, so unpaused people in their world could be moving paused us around wherever they like."

"Maybe," I said. I rubbed my chin. "But I mean we're probably in places we'd be most likely to be... Like I'm usually on my tour bus, playing video games. C'mon, let's go check out my tour bus." I suddenly had this excited feeling course through me 'cos, like, I was gonna get out of this nightmare in a second. I just knew I had it all figured out and this was gonna work. I galloped toward the door. Margo was still standing exactly where she'd been.

"Hey," I said, "Aint'cha gonna come?"

She hesitated. "Nick, I don't have any idea where I would be," she said quietly. "What if -- what if we get you over there to the other tour bus and you -- I don't know, what if you're right? What if you disappear on me and I'm here all alone again?"

As though to emphasize her worry, the silence that fell between us was so absolute that it felt solid and suffocating.

"Well," I said slowly, "I'm sure that's where I'd be, so... so we'll find you first and then I'll come back here and unpause myself the same way."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

A smile spread across her face. "You'd really stay here to help me like that?"

"Yeah," I said. "I mean, everything's paused, right? It's not like we ain't got time." I laughed.




Brian

Jane Carter was just coming out of the elevator when my nurse rolled me up the hallway. She was distracted, staring down in her purse and picking a Kleenex out of one of those little packages so at first she didn't see me. Then she looked up and her eyes landed on me and recognition flit through them and her jaw dropped. "Brian," she said.

"Hey," I said.

It had been years since I saw Jane. Literally, I think the last time I saw her, she'd come out to Los Angeles while we were recording the Unbreakable CD and she'd asked Nick for money while we were at the studio and Nick had looked thoroughly embarassed and asked if we could take a break and then he'd shuffled her out of the studio as quick as possible.

Other than on TV or whatever, I hadn't seen Jane since.

She'd aged a lot in that time, she had wrinkles under her eyes and she just looked tired. Like not sleepy tired, but, you know, lifetime tired. She forced a smile as she stared at me, "How are you?" she asked.

"I'm okay," I said, "I guess. I mean, for a guy who rumbled with an eighteen-wheeler." I paused. "How's Nick?"

Jane stiffened.

"Brian," Leighanne said quietly.

Jane held up a hand to silence Leighanne, her eyes never moving from me, "You just woke up, didn't you?" she asked. I nodded. Her eyes were so deeply sad, I don't even have words to describe them. She said, voice thick and shaking, "I can't believe that - I'm going to - lose another of my children."

Muscles tightened all over my body.

"I never really understood or appreciated Leslie or Nick," she said heavily, "Both of them were always such a mystery to me, always just a little bit -- I don't know, different, I suppose, than their siblings. But those two - ah, my rebellious, musical little souls." She shook her head, "I don't know how I'm going to come to terms with this."

My mouth was dry. "But he's not --"

"Dead?" Jane asked, her voice suddenly level. She shook her head, "Not yet."

"Yet?"

"Well the doctor says that it's time to consider -- other options," she said.

"Other options?" Leighanne's hand came down on my shoulder and she squeezed. I don't know if it was a comforting squeeze or a restraining squeeze. It could've been either. "What options?" I asked.

"We may have to..." Jane paused, "God, I can't even say it." She swiped a tear from her eye. "We might need to think about letting him go," she said.

Leighanne's hand tightened even more.

And it was a good thing because if she hadn't been holding me down, I probably would've leaped up from the damn chair. "That's not an option!" I said, my voice loud, "In what universe is letting Nick go an option?" I demanded.

Jane pursed her lips, "It's not fair to make him hang on when there's no chance of him coming to, Brian. The doctor said that it's nearly impossible for someone with that - that kind of trauma to recover. He hasn't moved in over a week..."

"So? It took me a week!" I said, "Nick's always been a little slower than everyone else! He always comes late!"

Jane swiped another tear. "Not this time, I'm afraid, Brian," she said. "He's basically gone already. It's only machines keeping him alive isn't it? It would be selfish to keep him here." She paused. "I would think that you above all people would understand and believe that as well."

I closed my eyes.

There might've been a time that I would've. But for God's sake, I saw him. I know that somehow that was him. It wasn't a dream... I couldn't explain what I'd seen, what I'd heard... but I knew it was real. Somehow it had to be.

"I need to go home and look over this paperwork and talk to BJ and the twins," Jane said thickly. "Are you going up to visit him?"

"Yes," Leighanne said for me. My teeth were gritted, I realized.

"Good luck," she said. She reached down and touched my shoulder softly. "And I'm sorry, Brian. I know the two of you meant a good deal to each other." And just like that, Jane walked away, her heels clicking on the tiles.

I closed my eyes again as the nurse wheeled me into the elevator. Leighanne followed and the doors dinged closed and a feeling of panic rushed over me, afraid of what I would see when I got into his room.