It had all started with a fight.
A stupid and useless fight. Although, at first, it hadn’t seem that trivial and meaningless. A misunderstanding had been the first flame to ignite the fire, a phrase taken out of its context and then brought to the extreme and made it much bigger than what should had been in reality. It was useless, now, going and searching for all the reasons and causes hidden behind or implied in those words: the first flame had been sparkled by the fatigue and tiredness; tension had then acted as a combustible, stopping that faint flame to die almost immediately; the rest, made of an high and forceful fire, had been feed by fear, anxiety and insecurity. And so, even if the beginning could had been justified, there had been no excuses for all those words that they both threw at each other as if they were sharp knives, knowing perfectly how much they would hurt and leave scars after their passage.
Strange, or perhaps only a causality, that the discussion had taken place during a rainy day, as if lightning and grey clouds could had been the catalyst for all that bad mood that already was thundering within them.
Or, maybe, only inside Nick.
It had been a normal morning, just like many others before. It had been another ordinary day. The sound of raindrops hitting against the window had woken them up when still the sun should had to born from the clouds that made grey and gloomy the morning sky. With that natural background music, Brian and Nick had enjoyed the warmth of the blankets more than usual, aided by the fact that it had been a day free of any work duties or such. And for them days like that smelled and tasted as small corner of paradise: only few people, their inner circle of friends and closet people, knew about their relationship, even though it had been going steady for years. And it was that flaw, that small black point, that sometimes was able to ruin Nick’s happiness because there wasn’t anything more that he wanted than to scream and tell the whole world who was that special someone that made him smile every single day. He wanted, Nick, everyone to know that he was the real lucky one, that it was him the one that should thank whoever had chosen him as Brian’s soul mate. They completed each other perfectly and Brian, oh, Brian was his star, the sun whose planets and satellites danced around inside his universe. This was what Nick wanted to tell to the world; he wanted to show them what it meant to have finally met, to have always known the other half of his heart.
And yet he couldn’t.
And the seed of doubt wasn’t easily dismissed. Especially and mostly during days like that one, where appearance would made them act as a real and normal couple until its veil would be dropped and they were forced to run back and hide in the darkness. And Nick never told Brian about these thoughts, maybe because he hated being the one that always managed to obscure, even slightly, the light in his eyes or of his smile. Or maybe because Nick knew that he shouldn’t give attention to what had been only a small insecurity. Brian loved him, was it really important if he did it privately? Wasn’t that one of the things that he loved more in the boy? People were wrong, fans were wrong thinking that he was him the one most reserved and more keen to keep certain emotions private and to himself. It was Brian, on the contrary, the one that kept secret every aspect of his private life, as if he was sure that no one was really that interested or curios about it.
He had never said a word but, perhaps, he should have talked. Because that doubts didn’t disappeared under soft and loving caresses, kisses and promises. Untrustworthy and bastard, those tiny and small insects had feed from every and each misunderstanding and had made them much bigger, bringing in the spotlight something that seemed a problem that, in reality, didn’t have any reason to exist.
That day, on that very day, the doubt had exploded and tossed around hundreds of flaming debris without even looking or caring where they were going to land upon. Or who they were going to hit. It had exploded just like one of those lightning bolt that kept rumbling in the background as the rain danced. It had exploded in a moment when Brian and Nick were quietly and calmly doing one of those activities so normal and ordinary for a couple that was long living together. The small supermarket wasn’t crowded, helped by the fact that it was situated in a little town that had long become their refuge and hiding spot from the curious eyes of the world they lived in. And there, in what had always been their private corner, never Nick had thought about defending himself from that doubt: it had freed itself from the reins that had tried to contain it; it had walked beside them until they had been in the spotlight and it had needed only a gesture, a simple and normal holding hands, to give start and force to the storm.
Brian hadn’t noticed at first. He only noticed a slight change of mood and behavior in Nick: from being playful, with that happy light in his eyes, he had become suddenly silent and with the angles of his lips curved in a frown, as if he was trying to hold back tears or screams. Maybe it had been the latter because there was no sign of tears inside his eyes and, if something that bad had happened to reduce Nick in that state, Brian would have known it.
So they didn’t talk about it, Brian didn’t ask him anything about it during the ride back home and neither when, after getting out from the car, they started to bring the groceries in the kitchen: during this time Brian only observed his partner, trying to find the right pretext to start the questioning. It had always seemed like a mission for him, the one when he had to find what the reason behind Nick’s troubles was and solve all of his problems. Brian knew that sometimes that behavior was a little bit exaggerated; Brian knew that sometimes he had to take a step back, let Nick make his mistakes and being just a shoulder to lean on and offer only his support. Sometimes all it took and needed was a hug to melt all the tension.
But not that day.
That particular time Nick pulled away, as if he didn’t even want to be brushed by his hands. The flash of disappointment ceased rapidly, without even leaving a sign of its passage on Brian’s face. His head slightly tilted to the left, arms crossed in front of his chest: this was his posture as he kept observing Nick, though he did not find any clue.
“Is there something wrong?”
Nick didn’t reply, giving Brian a silence as he threw the bottles of milk on the counter; he then raised his face, showing one of the harshest glances before turning to put the plastic bags away.
So Nick was angry with him, Brian deduced. But why was the real question.
The realization came at the same time of a thunder rumbling outside. Brian shook his head, cursing at himself for being that blind not to understand it sooner. It hadn’t be intentional, he hadn’t done it with malice like, he was sure, Nick was thinking in that very moment. On the contrary, it had been an instinct, that sense of duty to always protect the most important person in his life. And that time, as always, the battle had been against denseness of some people who believed to be better and superior, any kind of alibi just to justify their cruel judgments.
“Nick...”
“Why are you ashamed of us?”
The question came just like a sudden lightning, in a moment when no one could already suspect or foresee the coming of that storm. More than it, more than that verb that was capable of tightening all around his stomach, it was Nick’s tone that left Brian without air, like someone had just used him as a punching ball. It was that one tone that never Nick had used with him, it was that voice that carried all the bitterness and viciousness that Nick was able to hide behind that angel face and that only few people would ever image.
“Don’t be stupid.” He sharpened his eyes, Brian, using a tone of voice that didn’t want to be a victim against Nick’s.
“You’re lying and you know it. – Nick replied, crossing the arms in front of the chest. – As soon as you noticed that they were looking at us, you dropped my hand as if it was burning you. As if you were ashamed.”
Brian didn’t lose a single breathe. “Is this what do you think it happened?” He asked, the jaw line so firm like a line of metal.
“What else, Brian? Don’t give a damn stupid excuse like I’m a small child because you know damn well that I’m not.”
“You can think whatever you like but don’t, for even a second, believe that I’m ashamed of you. Or us.”
“No, of course not. Forbid if Saint Brian could do something so petty. – Nick joked bitterly and harshly. – You aren’t ashamed of me. Or us. You just don’t want to be seen holding hands with me. You don’t want people to think that we are a couple.”
“While the truth is...”
“I’m your secret. I’m your dirty secret. That so horrible and terrible secret that, if it comes out, your perfect image of devoted Christian would be ruined. So now, tell me, is this what you have always wanted? All those words were only lies? All those promises of love and trust were only to keep up your game? You love, so you say, but not enough to be out in the open. To be seen with him. So, that's the truth? That is what am I to you? Am I only good enough for the sex but not, never, for all the rest?”
A part of Brian wanted to leave that house as fast as he could, without even caring to reply to those accusations that didn’t have any resemblance of truth or shape. Did Nick really think so little about him? Did Nick really think that he could be able to use him only for his pleasure and lie so easily saying and promising to love him? That hurt. That was what really hurt the most, what was bringing him lying on the floor in an attempt to protect him from those blows.
“You. More than anyone else, you should know that I don’t give a damn about what people may or not may think of me. I don’t give a damn if they judge me as a sinner or whatever insult they could find in their bigot vocabulary. The can burn my album, they can boycott my any way they want but this, this doesn’t change what I feel for you nor it won’t ever make me feel ashamed about us. About loving you.” Brian didn’t need to shout or scream, he had never needed to raise his voice when it came to such matters. The power, the force, was always linked in that intensity that made his words and their meaning hard and insurmountable. And Nick had never doubted it.
Up until that morning.
Because Nick had learn on his own skin that acts and behaviors held so much more value and significance and what Brian had done, that letting go of his hand when everyone was looking, still hurt so bad. Still it was claiming and asking to be revenged.
“Why, then? Why did you do it?” Nick asked but his voice wasn’t a whisper. It was as if his heart, his bruised ego, had taken control over his vocal chords and had decided to scream that request for explanation.
Brian shook his head, still not quite believe what he had just heard. Didn’t Nick already understand the reason lying beneath it? After all those years, after all those moments spent together and all those times Nick had been the one that physically had to stop or restrain him, still he couldn’t see past what happened that day?
“I can’t stand seeing you hurt. I can’t let them hurt you. I can’t stand that you could not being able to work because of me. I don’t care about my reputation. I care about your. I care that people, the world, keep seeing you as the amazing soul you are. I don’t want you being isolated only because you love me.”
Shocked. That was how Nick felt. Shocked and utterly speechless in front of that confession. For a moment it seemed like he could actually feel and touch that love wrapped around vowels and consonants, that emotion that had given intensity and force to those words and that image of completely devotion that was being painting in front of his eyes.
How could he ever doubt Brian’s love?
Oh, Nick knew the true reason lying behind his own reaction. And even Brian knew it, deep down and over that instinct anger. And that was the explanation for that hurt expression that was paining Brian’s features; that was the explanation of those eyes that couldn’t understand how Nick still hadn’t learned that hurting him was the last thing Brian could ever imagine or conceive. And, at the end of everything, the reason was that Nick was still prisoner of that vicious circle and still kept blaming and making Brian paying for all those other people who had hurt him in the past. It wasn’t fair, Nick was aware of that truth. And yet Brian still kept defending both of them, as if he couldn’t distinguish blame and a responsibility even when it comes to himself and his actions.
It only took a second. A moment that lasted like that bolt of flash that had brightened up the room. One second, just the amount of time to look down and wipe away the tears, and the silence was broken by the sound of the door opening. Nick lifted his head just in time to see Brian’s hair disappearing behind that very door that, quite immediately, shut closed and let him hiding inside the storm.
No sneaky remarks. No slamming doors. No tears. That was Brian. When it came to defend someone else, when it came to defend someone he loved, there was no hell or saint that could restrain his anger and fury or stop his arms from giving support and comfort. But when it came to himself, when he was Brian the one under the threat of a sharp knife, his only defense was to hide, wrapping himself around that wound so that no one, even him, would notice that blood had already started to leak out.
Rage, Nick’s anger, disappeared along with that last line of smell that always announced Brian’s presence in the room. Nick still was hurt, that wound was still aching and claiming some sort of payment from Brian, but the rest of himself was beating himself up for what he had done. As always, he had ruined everything and all because Nick just act on impulse, without even stopping a moment to think or reflect about the situation. He never thought about consequences. And most of the times it had always been Brian the one who would take his hand and show him which was the right road to take, sometimes acting like he was the father scolding the son while, other times, he would just stand and defend him until he had air to breathe.
And he had accused him to be ashamed of them!
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Instinct was screaming at him to run after Brian: it was raining and only God knew how really big and forceful was Brian’s fear of thunders and storms. On the other side, though, logic told Nick to stay where he was because impossible was the task to find the boy if he didn’t want to be found. And that had happened so few times that it wasn’t even worth the risk.
All Nick could do was just staying inside the house and cursing himself for how he had handled the situation. All Nick could do was just thinking over and over about all the words he should had used instead than lashing out words of hate without even listening and hearing what Brian was saying. He could even see them, mocking him and reminding him all of his mistakes.
A thunder made the glasses tremble while the rain started to pour more and more heavily; grains of water that were becoming bigger and bounced off the windows, rolling away as if they were lost souls. Leaning his forehead against the cold surface and against the reflections of the forces of nature fighting each other, Nick could only hope that Brian was safe and sound, wherever he had decided to hide.
He would wait, then. He would wait for the rainbow after the storm. He would wait and hope that peace, serenity and quiet that the sun would always bring along would shine even on them and their story.
*****************************
It was cold.
It was freezing and Brian didn’t have any clue about where he was or about what happened. A bolt of light and part of his memory seemed to have vanished, sucked inside a vortex of pain, whose source still was unknown to him.
It was cold and, in the darkness, the only sense Brian could use was only his hearing. Yes, only darkness was embracing him, an infinite black ocean whose waves were calmly cradling him towards an island full of promises of quiet and peace. Should he let it carry him towards those shores? It was so appealing, it all seemed like a piece of heaven that putting up a fight needed forces and energies that, slowly, were disappearing under the invisible pressure of that stream.
What had happened?
A lightning. A thunder that trembled in every nerve, sparks that came together and melted inside one big flame of pain.
Why was the lightning so important?
He wasn’t able to see that yellow light, he couldn’t make out that flash that always announced the coming of the thunder. And that chilled him to the bone, that scared him more than he could and would want to admit. And it was a fear that burst off along with that tremble that was running up down his spin as if it was their private highway. Among everything Brian hated the thunders the most, hated those rumbles that shouted threats from up above and were capable of making tremble walls and windows, a memoire of their strength. He hated the thunders, Brian, because, taken alone, they were unpredictable: they came suddenly, they took you by surprise and there was nothing that could prepare you for that moment.
Only the lightning.
Brian hated the thunders, yes, but loved the lightning. They were comforting, they were flashes of lights that whispered the coming of their rumbling brothers and always allowed Brian to prepare himself: slowly, with measured breaths, Brian counted the seconds that had to pass before that harsh sound that wouldn’t be able to take hold of his fear.
But in that moment he couldn’t see them but only hear the rumblings of the thunders and all his lips could do was letting out a pathetic and faint whimper. Of pain? Of fear? Brian didn’t know. Brian couldn’t know. He wasn’t able to know. The only thing he could recall was that the lightning had something to do with it. But why?
Calm down. He told himself, feeling as if his own breathing weighted more than it should be. How was he supposed to calm down? He couldn’t remember where he was, he couldn’t remember what had happened or why he was lying there, all alone and cold, and without being able to open his eyes.
The lightning. A memory. The image of Nick, delusion and sadness painted in those blue eyes. Another lightning, another thunder and the sound of the door closing behind his back. Did they have a fight? Was it that the reason why Brian now was all alone?
Remember. Remember.
He had gone out. They had a fight and he had gone out but he couldn’t remember where he went. He often did it. Instead than get angry with Nick and throw around words that he would soon regret, Brian preferred to disappear for a bunch of minutes. Or hours. And to give both of them time to cool down and think over what happened. But the main reason why Brian never stayed was because he didn’t want to let Nick see how much his words had hurt him: to show himself weak was that most powerful weapon to leave in the hands of an enemy, especially if it was that someone that knew him best and knew how to use those information to provoke the deepest cut and pain.
The lightning, this time, was connected with pain. The sparks, the fireworks, weren’t a show dancing in the sky but in that darkness that had swallowed inside Brian’s mind. It hurt. Every single inch of his body trembled with waves of pain, higher and higher with each second and so close to drowning him completely. It was so alluring! No more pain, only darkness. And, perhaps, that was the push not to give himself to it, to try to stay awake and keep fighting to hold on to the last glimmer of lucidity.
Nick.
Nick.
He had to warn Nick. He had to go back to him somehow. Even if Brian didn’t want Nick to see him in that state. He had to call Nick, even if Brian knew that hearing that faint whisper would made Nick more worried.
He wanted Nick.
He needed Nick.
Lightning became less and less powerful, less and less bright. Rain had ceased to pour, though Brian couldn’t say when it happened since coldness was walking hand in hand with the feeling of something wet sliding off from his body. It didn’t make sense and yet Brian still could feel a small stream of something wet running down from his side and, instinctively, he managed to place a hand in that spot. His mind knew how to define that sensation but the more Brian tried to grasp onto that definition, the more this tried to run away, leaving him in the darkness that was getting bigger and thicker.
Lightning had ceased.
Thunders were finally silent.
Darkness and silence were the only things around him.
With a last breath, Brian let them wrap their blankets over his body, finally convinced by their promises of serenity and peace.
“Nicky.” It was the only word that Brian left to the wind, hoping that it would fly and reach Nick.
Wherever he was.
Chapter End Notes:
Yes, I'm finally back. lol
So sorry for the time that it had taken to translate this chapter. I'm so going to finish and have up the whole story.
Thanks for anyone who has reviewed the prologue and I hope there are people still interested in this. =)
So sorry for the time that it had taken to translate this chapter. I'm so going to finish and have up the whole story.
Thanks for anyone who has reviewed the prologue and I hope there are people still interested in this. =)
