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Third Chapter















Strange was the sensation that was trying to rise up inside Nick: no more claws and neither that beast that had nested beneath his heart and had fed from his worry and anxiety for Brian. If he had been able to find the words to describe it, Nick would have painted it with thousand and thousand bubbles. Yes, tiny bubbles that were becoming bigger and bigger as they climbed their way from his stomach up to his throat; only when they started to tickle the tip of the tongue Nick understood what was really that sensation.

It wasn’t that natural and thunderous laugh, painted with a brush of joy, for the new Brian’s joke or imitation; it wasn’t neither that thin, delicate and malicious one that was born from eye’s meetings or glances’ exchanges before they could lock themselves inside the security of their bedroom and let the world keep running as they, as Brian and Nick, would promise again and learn a new way to love each other’s body. That laugh, that wanted to escape at any cost, had its parents in the desperation and a blind incredibility because Brian’s words didn’t make sense. At all. They couldn’t have any sense until Nick wouldn’t admit the only one condition that could give a first shade of meaning for that situation. The only and possible condition that could explain, and made him accept, that a ghost, Brian’s ghost, was standing in front of him was...

No, it couldn’t be real. He wouldn’t and couldn’t accept.

“No. – The simple word came out as a whisper from Nick’s lips, a murmur stolen quickly by the wind. – No.”

Brian, or whatever was that had his features and looked just like him, didn’t reply. Nothing appeared on that emotionless face, not even that compliant expression Brian used whenever Nick would come up with one of his weird and strange idea.

He would have reached out a hand and touch Brian. Yes, Nick just wanted to touch Brian and make sure that it was all a joke, a stupid and idiot joke, but he couldn’t even move just one finger. Fear blocked him, fear kept him prisoner and tried, although useless, to protect him. Because if Nick would took away that little and simple detail that it couldn’t be real, all that situation finally made sense: Brian’s so strange behavior, that needing to take him in that place and how he was just wanted to make Nick understand how deep and infinite had been his love for him. Out of context, out from the impossibility, everything had the bitter taste of a goodbye.

Brian was leaving him. Brian was leaving without the intention to come back. And it all tasted and seemed like one of those nightmares Nick used to have since the first day he had met Brian. Yes, that fear had set its root years and years before, back when Nick didn’t even know what love was or how natural it could be to become part of someone else as if it was breathing or telling a muscle to move. That nightmare and fear that still had hold of Nick was to be abandoned by the only one who never really left, even when they barely spoke to each other or when he had been so damn convinced that everyone hated him.

And now that nightmare was becoming real. Brian was dying. Or maybe he was already dead, perhaps he had used his last energies to create… yes, to create exactly what? The most horrible joke ever? That prank? And there, in that exact moment, the laughter became anger.

“No. – Nick repeated firmly. – It can’t be true. Tell me that it isn’t so, Brian.”

He couldn’t believe it. Nick couldn’t believe that it was going to end like that, in that absurd way and without having the chance to do something to stop it. Because more than everything, Nick wouldn’t allow Brian to leave him alone in that cold and hard world, he wouldn’t and couldn’t allow him to take away the only thing worth fighting and never surrender.

“What do you want me to say? – Brian asked, nor denying and neither admitting the truth. Seconds were ticking away so fast but his first priority hadn’t change: Nick, first and foremost. And if that meant that he had to lie, Brian would have done without even blinking. – What would make you feel better?”

Nick didn’t know exactly which of those words had shifted in the sneakiest fist that landed against his stomach. But for a moment, for a long and almost endless instant, it was as if his lungs couldn’t even try to grasp and hold a single atom of air. Nick had always knew and it really shouldn’t be a surprise or a shock hearing Brian saying that he was willing to lie if it made Nick feel better. That was something that they never ever talked about it, things set in a relationship built in the span of a lifetime and without the need or the desire to change or shift its foundation. But now those bricks were driving Nick mad because nothing could ever made him feel better. How? How could lying be better when Brian was dying?

“The truth. Brian. At least, you own me the truth.”

Hesitation, that strenuous battle between duty and will, appeared on that face that had only shown love and devotion towards Nick until that very second.

Be selfish, that was what logic kept repeating inside Brian’s mind, fighting against that very heart and soul that only wanted to protect its brightest star. Be selfish and tell him what’s going on. Tell him to save you.

Simple words. Brian only needed to say those few and simple words that could have saved both of them, preventing death and desperation to even touch and harm them. Together they had always been stronger. But could they be stronger than death? Could they fight and defeat something that was so final? You’ve already done it before. Twice. Yes, Brian had already defeated death before and Nick had always been the reason and what pushed him not to give up and surrender. Even when Brian didn’t even know Nick, even when all he had known was that he had to stay on earth to protect someone.

“The truth. The truth is that I just wanted to protect you, Nick.” Brian whispered, as if he was afraid that his voice could be stolen away by the wind.

“Protect? From what?”

“From pain. From getting hurt. I had to protect you.”

For a moment Nick wanted to get closer, moved by the desire to take Brian’s hand in his. But that longing lasted only for a second and Nick stopped on his heels, realizing that it would have been useless because of what Brian really was. And that realization hurt the most, leaving behind a deeper scar with that thought that he was just starting to realize how his life was going to be from now on: not being able to touch Brian, not being able to make him smile as his fingertips found that sensitive place on his neck; not being able to hug him, nor caressing his skin with his lips. That was pain. That was heartache. Not seeing Brian lifeless or in whatever conditions he was lying now. Painful and heartbreaking was not being able to spend his life with him. Or not being able to, at least, say him goodbye.

“You can’t. – Nick replied, his voice sadly compliant. – This is the only thing you can’t protect me from.”

“I can try.”

“Do you really think and believe that I care about how I am going to say goodbye? Do you really think that this is the most important thing?”

Brian made a step forward. And a second. A third. And another one until he found himself so close to Nick to feel those shivers and trembles that nothing had to do with the cold wind that breathed and hissed through the trees.

“Now it doesn’t matter, of course. But in a few weeks, when the first wave of pain would be over, you’re gonna hate that the last memory you’ll have of me would be full of pain, prayers and painted in red blood.” Those words were caressed by cold fingers that found their place upon Nick’s cheek, caresses that seemed just the wind breathing upon his skin.

“No. No. No. – Nick started to shake his head, as if all he wanted was to erase what was happening. – I’ll hate you. Brian, I’m so gonna hate you if you don’t let me help you. I’ll hate you if you let me spend the rest of my life blaming myself for your death.”

A frown of confusion appeared on Brian’s face, his eyes half closed as he tried to make sense of that accusation. “Blame? It’s not your fault! How can it be?”

“We had a fight. If I hadn’t accused you to be ashamed of us, nothing would ever happen. You wouldn’t have to run from our house. You wouldn’t end up…” Nick didn’t dare to finish his sentence, though the word dead and lying in a pool of blood was running through his mind. But speaking them, saying them out loud, meant facing the reality intertwined within them and yet he couldn’t and didn’t want to accept it.

It was Brian’s turn to shake his head and chase away those words. “No. It wasn’t...”

“It is. – Nick interrupted Brian before he could convince him of his truth. – It’s my fault. And even if you manage to convince me otherwise, I’ll still feel that way. Because I couldn’t save you. Because I couldn’t hold you one last time. Because I’ll be alive while you will be dead. And you know what it is going to happen. You know that I will end up in a vortex of auto destruction. So, tell me, is this what you really want? Is this the way you want the story to end?”

Nick knew that it was a shitty move even for him: using Brian’s high sense of protection, blaming him for what it might happen to him, were all such low blown and they made him feel sick but it didn’t really matter. Because Nick knew they were going to work. And because Nick, in that moment, didn’t really care for things like moral and doing the right thing and the fact those strangers kept looking and pointing at him like he was a weird and crazy man. Maybe he was mad, maybe what he was living was only a mere product of his craziness or maybe it was really a horrible and terrible nightmare he couldn’t seem to wake up from. Whatever it was, still, Nick couldn’t let it end with that tragic and meaningless epilogue. Even if it meant threatening Brian. And he wasn’t even ashamed and felt any sort of remorse in doing it.

Brian faltered. His hand slipped from the cheek, lying lifeless along the hip. Time slipped away as rapidly as he felt himself becoming weaker and weaker as seconds and minutes disappeared from time’s grasp.

I want Nick. I need Nick. I don’t want be alone. Please.

The thought had been spoken in a frail and weak whisper. But it had been his own voice, there weren’t any doubts. What the hell was going on? Brian took a step back, a hand on his head and eyes blinking as his sight was starting to become cloudy: echoes of pain and heartache started to gain volume, as if they had been silenced up until that moment form the desire and the need to protect Nick above everything. But it was useless, now. In that moment Brian understood that it was useless protecting Nick from something so inevitable, just like inevitable was the way blood and energies were quickly disappearing from his body. Nick was going to be hurt, Nick was going to be drowned by the pain and it was up to Brian deciding the less of the hurt.

“There... there isn’t much time left...” Words came out broken, as if his own ghost had trouble breathing.

“Bri? Bri? What is going on?”

For a second Brian could only see black around him. There was only darkness enveloping him, layers and layers of a thick midst that was trying to suffocate Brian and tearing him away from Nick. And there was pain, blinding pain that was only reminding him how thin and fragile was that line between life and death.

“Nick...”

“Tell me where you are. I beg you, Brian. Don’t do this to me. Don’t you dare. If you really love me like you say you do, if all you want is to protect me then you have to tell me where you are.”

Lost were any signs of dignity and there was no need to threaten anymore because everything was buried under what was unraveling itself in front of his eyes: one moment Brian, or whatever he was, was caressing and was acting as if any decision had been already made without a chance to object against it; another after that human image started to falter, lines and borders had started to become more and more blurred while Brian fell on his knees, a hand covering his side. Nick fell on his knees too. Nick fell in front of Brian and, for a second, all the air around him was sucked away by that face finally showing some kind of expression, though it was the most pure and heartfelt painting of pain.

“There’s a reason… there’s a reason why we are here…”

It happened in just one breath. That situation was totally turned upside down and, just as like how that storm had happened so suddenly, born and dead without any notice, it happened without even saying or speaking softly.

“I know. Brian, you told me why. Because you love me.”

There was no time left. Brian was feeling time and life slipping away from his fingertips, along with those red tears that now could be seen even on his hand.

“I love you. You’re my hiding. And not only physically.”

“What the hell are you saying? Bri, B, just tell me where you are. Please.”

Why was it so difficult for Brian to remember the place where his body was lying? He knew exactly why they were here because that park and that particular basketball court had always been his hiding corner whenever he had been so angry or so ashamed to go back to Nick. And that was the reason and the motive why he took Nick there and not just to show him how much he loved him for the last time. But Brian couldn’t tell the difference anymore, only surrounded by that dark mist that had taken away every senses and every grip and hold to lucidity and reality.

“It hurts.”

“I know. I know, Bri. – Nick replied in a sob, a cry that was followed by a tear. He reached out a hand, ready to caress away that pain, but it disappear in that space that should had been a face made of skin and bones, instead than blurred lines. – You need to tell me where I can find you. Bri... I beg you. I can’t lose you. Don’t leave me like this.”

Just a prayer. Those words were only a prayer, a begging that couldn’t be hold back because everything was about to fall down and losing seemed like it was winning over them. Only a prayer, yes, but it was that fragile and weak prayer to finally break through those dark clouds that were winning inside Brian. And Brian, his ghost, held to those with the last energies left: it was worth feeling the full blown of pain, it was worth not being able to breathe because of those sharp and painful knives, if it meant that Brian hadn’t to leave Nick and neither that future that he had always caressed and couldn’t wait to make it true.

That was the time, the most perfect time, to be selfish. Brian had always been afraid of that word, he had always been afraid in putting his wishes before someone else’s. Before Nick’s. It had always been like that, Brian had always put his wishes aside if it meant to make Nick happy. If it meant he was worth of being by his side. And for the first time being selfish didn’t mean breaking that promises he made when he met Nick.

“This place… this is where I come when… - Brian tried to reply, stopping only to try to find and remember where his body could be. - … I can’t… I don’t remember…”

“You come here…” Nick repeated as if he could find a trace to start looking for Brian.

“Yes. I come here… I came here this time…”

He had to be there. Brian had to be somewhere, in some corners of a place Nick barely knew. His eyes started looking around, wondering where he would hide if he had been Brian. But he couldn’t see anything out of normal, nothing that couldn’t tell him where Brian could be lying fighting for his life. A hiss, suddenly, brought his attention back to Brian. And, for the first time, he took notice of that colored note that was so out of place with all the grey.

Red blood.

How did Nick fail to notice it?

“Bri, what the fuck happened?” The question sneaked away before Nick could even stop the words from forming upon his lips. It wasn’t a good sign, not by a mile and who knew how much worse and delicate the situation really was. How really bad Brian’s conditions were.

Even if he heard it, Brian didn’t reply. It was like as if he didn’t even heard those words, too worried and busy in trying to get up. Suddenly he was so weak that even thinking about standing up required energies he didn’t have. He tried once and fell down again; he tried a second time and he stumbled, the world spinning around but, the third time, he finally made it.

“Come with me.” He only said, reaching out his hand towards Nick.

“Where?” Nick asked, his eyes confused and unsure about accepting that hand.

“There’s no time for explaining.”

“You remember, then?”

“Nick!” Brian didn’t shut. Brian never shouted, especially not against Nick and even when it was so necessary and important that he would listen. Like that very moment. It was that one of those things so peculiar about that voce, that ability to sound firm and threatening even if he was using his normal tone. So Nick didn’t answer, he just nodded and held those fingers stretched out for him. They weren’t just cold. They were frozen, as if the ice of death had already started to slip inside that body that had always been so warm, especially when they had been together. Especially when those hands intertwined together escaped from the reins of control and gave warmth and comfort as if they knew what they needed in that moment.

So they started to run. Or it was better to say that only Nick was running because he would have been the only one to be seen by whoever was about to cross that park in that very moment: Nick running as if the world’s safety depending on it. They ran, he ran, until they reached another basketball court, smaller than the one where they had been until that moment, and apparently abandoned and all ruined: weed had found a way to escape from the pavement and had started to grow freely; the net was almost gone, or maybe someone took pity of it and took it away before wind and rain would go it rotten. In that place grey and shadow seemed like something alive, a melancholy and sadness that was trying to find their shape and live among the humans.

Everything, in that place, seemed lonely. Forgotten. Alone.

For a moment Nick couldn’t move, standing there and watching what seemed like the perfect image of how his life would become without Brian. But that metaphor wasn’t only linked to his future, it spoke about his past and how much he had always felt so utterly alone and forgotten by a family that called only when it came to money and help. He had never felt that way for a long time, now, because Brian had been always able to chase away those clouds and bring the sun back. And Nick… Nick didn’t want to return to that life, the life before Brian.

Finally Nick saw Brian, the real Brian, long before his ghost could direct him towards its body. Ironic was the fact that even that body had taken up all the resemblances of that place for it had been left alone behind a bench, or what had been left of rusted copper.

Everything stopped in that very moment. A frozen wind took control of Nick, making him unable to think aside the mere fact that there lied his other half and for how long he had shouted, screamed and cried for a help that never came because no one could hear him. There was a sound, a whistle that rose above the unstoppable beating of his heart but Nick couldn’t pay attention to it, how he could focus his attention to the world when he couldn’t even breathe?

Fear was back again, fear was what kept Nick still so far away from Brian, the real Brian, the one that was lying like a broken doll. And that was the moment when finally Nick understood why Brian’s ghost had tried so hard to keep Nick from save him: nothing could ever erase those images, even the relief he would feel once everything would be over and okay again. Nick knew that he could never forget seeing Brian lying in a pool of red blood and that image was going to follow him.

He could and he wanted to run away so badly. He could but Nick knew that he couldn’t do it. He would never be able to leave Brian behind, especially not in those conditions. And ironically that was the moment Nick had waited for years and years, the moment when it would be his time to wear the cape of superhero and take the weight of world, and Brian’s, on his shoulders.

The whistle became louder and louder and some kind of quiet and unnatural peace started to put their blanket all over Nick. His steps became more confident, though there was still an echo of insecurity and fear. And those steps, finally, brought Nick to the almost lifeless body of Brian.

“Bri…” A sob fell at the same exact moment that Nick’s knees went weak, making him fall and be near to Brian. That body didn’t even look like Brian’s, it looked like one of those wax copies for the skin was so pale and deathly.

Red.

The only color was that red that had slipped away and formed a pool beneath the body. Nick’s eyes, though clouded by teas, observed and observed for trying to understand where all that red river was coming from.

“Pressure. You need to put pressure. Remember all those movies? You…” Brian’s ghost hadn’t disappeared. It was still there next to Nick, though he couldn’t see anymore. It was only a voice, maybe his conscience or whatever else that was telling Nick what he needed to do.

“I need to stop the blood. – While talking, Nick put a hand where his eyes had finally found what they were looking for, what was wrong in that complicated puzzle that had always been Brian’s body. The first touch, the first contact with Brian’s cold skin and that red water that was trying to slip though the fingers that were trying to stop it, and Nick found himself wincing with another sob. – No, no, no. Bri! Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare to leave me!” Nick ran his free hand through Brian’s hair, before letting it fall on that spot of the neck to check Brian’s pulse. But he must have done something wrong, there had to be something wrong because Nick couldn’t hear a single thing.

“Call 911.”

“I can’t hear your heartbeat.”

“Call 911.”

Nick turner around to look towards that ghost that had protected and brought him there, although he still couldn’t see it anymore.

“I swear, Brian. I swear that I will do it. If you die now, if you leave, I won’t let a day pass by before following you.” Nick didn’t have to scream. Every single word, every tone and pause were full to the brim with those tears that still were streaming down his face and those sobs that made it impossible to breath. Only silence replied to Nick’s begging. The cold whistle of the wind. The sound of leaves and of cars running on the streets around the park. Then, a whisper.

“It hurts.”

“Bri… The Brian I know, the Brian I love and admire more than anyone else, would never surrender to the pain. You have to promise me. You have to swear that you won’t leave me. Promise me that you will come back to me. – Nick lowered his face, full aware of those teardrops that were falling from his eyes. – I can’t… I can’t without you. Just come back.”

Once again only silence replied to Nick’s prayer. Although he wanted no more than surrender, although he just wanted to hide in himself before pain could take hold of him, Nick finally took his phone albeit he couldn’t tell who the person was answering him. Maybe 911, maybe Kevin because he had been the person he had always called when Brian wasn’t available.

Just a fraction of a second. A so small instant, so thin that it could fly away without being notice if fate and coincidences hadn’t worked together to help the two lovers. The moment when Nick brought his attention back to Brian, the real and so almost dead Brian, and he found himself looking into his eyes. Up until that moment, they had been closed, they had been another clue about how bad and serious the situation was and how useless words were because they wouldn’t be enough to put the broken pieces together again. Not in that moment. In that moment, Brian’s eyes were open and so clear, no clouds that could hide something that only Nick could read. Because that second of lucidity was the only answer Brian could offer to Nick’s prayer, the only way Brian knew to let Nick understand that he would never break a promise to him. And, with that brief glance, Brian had just promised to come back.