Epilogue
The smell of berries rose up from the garden and, after danced together with the wind around leaves and the first strings of grass already awaken, wandered between the curtains until it reached the bed. That aroma had wanted to be the one who would had the duty and the honor to wake the couple up but, disappointedly, it had to admit surrender when it realized that only one was still wrapped inside the blankets of sleep and dreams. So, acting as if it thought it was a breezy pixie , the perfume decided to sit down next to the only person awake and mimic his posture, placing all its invisible weight on an elbow and just lost staring his partner. The first rays of lights, courageous and with no fear at all since it wasn’t the time to rise yet, laid upon the blankets and fell asleep on those lines and features that made a face that, Brian was so damn sure, he wouldn’t never be tired to observe and love.
Only a couple a weeks had passed from that night when, once again, Brian had to meet and face death: the first time he had defeated it, he had been a five years old boy who didn’t and couldn’t know how serious and dangerous had been that meeting; the second time death had come out of the blue, so suddenly and so powerful that Brian had known exactly how lucky he had been to come out alive once again. He had realized, back then, how all of his life had always been a series of blessings and how some of them weren’t that much all deserved. And, maybe, he had taken those for granted so that was the reason why death had came to meet him once again.
This last time, thou, had been so much harder to scroll by. This last time had left a scar much deeper and painful to conceal with a smile. Luck hadn’t been by his side ‘cause infection had set it pretty quickly, leaving him victim of fever and hazed dreams and fervid hallucination where he couldn’t really make a difference between what really had happened. He didn’t have many memories of that night, only broken images about a group of boys who just wanted to steal money and decided to leave him half dead when they realized that he didn’t have anything with him. It had been Nick telling him about the hours after, it had been Nick telling him about that spirit that had come to take Nick and bringing to Brian’s dying spot.
A small smile appeared on Brian’s face while, with his fingertips. He traced the lines of that arm that Nick had placed on his stomach. It wasn’t shocking or that hard to conceive that, even during his last moments, his first and last thoughts had been to protect and making sure that Nick wouldn’t end up hurt. That had always been what Brian had always done best, making sure that his most precious blessing was safe and sound and making sure that no one, not even himself, could harm him in any way. But... well, how that happened still left Brian breathless because it was something that one could only find in a book or a movie. Nick had been crazy trying to find a logic explanation, since when they were still in hospital and all Brian was able to do was nod to his suggestions before drifting off in a drug-induced and painless sleep.
“Let it go. You will never find a solution if you only use science.”
Nick’s side of the bed had became a branch of the desk, its bedcover hidden under books, website’s pages and the laptop, still turned on, was dangerously balanced on Nick’s knees.
“And how are you gonna explain it, then? Don’t you wanna know why and how it happened, Brian? Because it’s driving me crazy and I swear, I swear that I hadn’t made up anything about that night. I could see you. Like you were real, Brian. I could see you and touch you. Hell, I could even kiss you! And if it hadn’t been for your ghost, or whatever that thing was, I would had never been able to find you.. And save you before it was too late…” Nick’s voice became a soft whisper, broken by a tremble and that shadow that always appeared every time they came closer and closer about talking of that night. Nick still didn’t want to remember those frantic moments, especially because he had been almost too late. Brian’s heart had stopped on the ride to the hospital and it had been a touch and go for the next hours, when the doctors hadn’t been sure if he could survive the surgery. Brian made it through only because Nick had begged and pledged and prayed him to keep fighting. And sometimes he thought if, in some ways and some how, Brian blamed and resented him for that.
Brian reached out a hand and, without saying anything, his fingers closed every tabs opened on the laptop before turning it off; he then placed it on the side, still not totally confident to lean over and risking of hurting himself. And that wasn’t really an option, considering how still bad Nick felt about the whole situation and how he would always tried to overdo his attempt of helping and taking care. But Nick, in that moment, wasn’t even looking at him, for his eyes were still set focused on his fists, fighting those tears that wanted so badly to come out.
“That was the reason why I didn’t want you to see me like that. – Brian whispered lifting Nick’s chin with his fingertips. – The only explanation is that there isn’t a logic in what had happened. Love can’t be defined by cold laws, made up by formulas or measurement data. In that moment all I knew was that I wanted to protect you, I wanted to be sure that you would remember my last moments as I was telling you how much I loved you and how crazy, weird and amazing my life had been with you. That’s the only explanation for me. And it should be yours too.”
Nick wasn’t like Brian. Brian, his beautiful Brian, didn’t need much to believe and have whole and total faith in something that couldn’t be explained or seen. And that was one of the thousand, hundreds, endless reasons why he loved and looked up to him so much and why, in that moment, Nick couldn’t force anything, nor air or words, past the lump that had taken home inside his throat. So he let himself being driven and pushed by the only language he had always used without never wronged tone or intonation. He placed the palm of his hand on Brian’s cheek and then leaned until his lips found Brian’s in a kiss that just wanted that said “I love you, I love you so much that, most of the times, and I don’t know how to put it in words.”
In retrospect Brian knew that he would had make the same decision, though certain that it would had ended in the same way because he couldn’t even start thinking about not being by Nick’s side. Even during those painful days of recovery, when infection had set in and he had been victim of flames and fever, he never resented or blamed Nick for forcing him back to life.
But everything had changed. What happened had changed Nick in ways that were subtle and not really that visible. Bu they were there and they told about how he was still being hunted by the images of his almost dead body left in a pool of red blood. A lot of times, especially during the first days back at home, Brian had found Nick staring at him with an expression of almost terror, lips closed in a thin and hard line as his eyes closed on that scar, still there even if hidden under bandages and clothes. And, for the first time, Brian didn’t know how to fix it, how to make it better. Or how to erase that anxiety and panic that made Nick never leaving his side, always there asking if he was feeling any slight of pain or if he needed to eat or whatever else. And he had tried. Brian had tried not to snap, not to lie just so he couldn’t see the worry inside his lover’s eyes. And he had tried to push Nick out of the house for at least a couple of hours, an attempt to fix whatever was wrong with him
But he hadn’t known how much fear and anxiety had taken a hold of his soul too.
Because those ours of being alone weren’t a blessing, a sort of relief from Nick’s mothering that sometimes were too much, especially for someone that hadn’t been ever able to let someone else take care of him. Those hours turned into a nightmare because the silence inside the house reminded him about all those hours spent in the rain, screaming and waiting for a help that wouldn’t arrive in time. Before Brian had cherished those rare times of being alone and not around four people that, even though they were his best friends, sometimes were too loud and too much for him. People wouldn’t believe or think that he needed and craved for that blessed loneliness, when he could just not think and just relax.
Not anymore.
Now Brian craved the opposite. Now Brian craved sounds and rumors; voices and company. Lights, cause darkness brought him back to when he almost gave up and left him with another panic attack that didn’t erase Nick’s anxiety.
How could they get past what had happened?
And yet, even if he almost didn’t understand how, they were slowly leaving that limbo between nightmare and normality. And yet their love had seemed to come out stronger than before, turning into the cornerstone upon building their new dynamic and relationship. What good had been sacrificing himself and his life if then they would always had to hide themselves in fear of what the world could or couldn’t say? So Brian stopped hiding, stopped trying to protect something when they didn’t do anything wrong- So now Brian was so damn proud and wanted the world to see his fingers intertwined around Nick’s hand.
Pushing away those thoughts, Brian leaned over and brushed his nose against Nick’s. It took only a moment before Nick’s eyes fluttered and opened, their blue still painted with shades of sleep.
“Isn’t too early for being already awake? – Nick asked, his voice still recovering from not being used during the night. – You’re supposed to rest.”
“It’s almost 10 am.”
“Exactly my point. Too early. Come back sleeping.”
A kiss landed upon Nick’s lips, a smile immediately appearing after that butterfly touch. “Do you want to take me out for breakfast?”
Nick’s fingers started to climb upon Brian’s arm, caressing the muscle underneath with a slight veil of malice. “I have another idea. It does involve eating. Sort of. More or less.”
A laughter stole away that mischievous smile. “You do know that I still can’t put much stress and strain over the wound.”
“Oh but you don’t have to do much. Actually, almost nothing. Just lie down.”
“Now, now… where is the fun in that?”
Nick rested his forehead against Brian’s, starting to leave fleeing kisses all over the line of the jaw. “I really really like you when you think like that.”
A naughty light brightened up Brian’s eyes, along with that smile that curved the corners of the lips at the exact time Nick’s found his mouth. But, with a move that took Nick by surprise, Brian rolled both of them until he could cover Nick’s body with his own.
“But you adore me when I shock you, right?”
“Oh… - Nick whispered with a raspy voice, any trace of sleep having disappeared and substituted with pleasure. – Definitely. I really love you when you do that.”
From the arm his fingers slid up to the shoulders and then they started to trace the line created by the spine, pleased by those trembles that their passage left behind them. It was all so natural, it seemed like taking up your favorite book and being able to recognize every single line and each paragraph. Brian’s skin was Nick’s personal blackboard, a never ending blank page where he could draw any picture and write every words that no one, not even Brian, but him could read and understand.
Love.
I miss you all the time.
I just wanna protect you from the world.
You’re my world,
The only family I have.
I can’t lose you.
His writing came to an abruptly end when the tip of his index brushed against the corner of the bandage that, although was now much smaller than the week before, still hid the scar. He wanted it not to ever exist, he wanted to act as if he didn’t even caressed but he couldn’t escape when Brian’s hand leaned upon his, blocking every chance to run away and keep tracing that skin still unmarked. The moment of sweet and dedicated touches had been already ruined, for images of that night rapidly came alive inside Nick’s mind.
“Don’t. – Whispered Brian softly in an ear, knowing exactly where Nick’s mind had gone. – Don’t ignore it. Please.” It didn’t take to be a genius or to have the ability of mind reading to understand why there was now a grey cloud in Nick’s eyes instead of that light of lust and love.
“Do I have the time to take a shower?” Nick asked, slowly slipping away from Brian and sitting on the corner of the bed.
“Nick.” Brian scolded gently. All of their problems were created because they didn’t talk, they let big and small things slide under the surface because it had been easier making it seem as if nothing had been wrong.
“It’s gonna take time, Bri. – Nick said, letting out a breath as he turned around and leaned so that he could leave a small and quick kiss on Brian’s temple. – The last time I had my hand on that spot it was because I was trying to stop the blood. It’s gonna take time before I can caress and touch it without feeling and seeing that red river.”
At those words Brian knew that there wasn’t anything he could say. Not at least using his voice or words that, for all that they could be strong and deep, couldn’t really offer a comfort and a support because Brian hadn’t lived those moments. And he didn’t quite know how Nick had felt. But he did know that it happened and minimize it would had been even worse that making it seem like it didn’t even happened. Like there wasn’t an ugly scar that reminded every day that night. So Brian just reached out his hand and ruffled Nick’s blonde hair.
“No more than fifteen minutes. Or we will be late and they will be out of pancakes.”
“And we can’t let it happen. – Nick smiled, thanking silently Brian for not putting his fears down as if they didn’t matter. – But we’re driving there.”
“But it’s such a beautiful day!”
“No. – Nick objected, his index raised up to underline the firmness of his tone. – Hell no. Last time we did your own way, I almost had to bring you back to the hospital. No way I’m gonna take that risk once again.”
“It was last week.”
“So?”
“I’m feeling better. I’m better. And stronger. Even the doctor said so.”
“No.”
“Please?” Brian putted up his best angelic expression, that one he knew Nick couldn’t and wasn’t able to resist no matter how much he tried.
“No. – Nick replied, picketing his fingertips on Brian’s nose. – You’re stronger, yes. You’re better. But not completely. And you will never recover if you don’t take things slowly. I know it sucks.”
A smart joke was already growing on his lips but Brian chose to stay silent. Before it would have been easy telling Nick that he didn’t need to be looked after but that was all in the past.
“There’s a way to settle this down.”
“How?”
“We are driving, as you wish, but we’re gonna park a little before the coffee shop. So I still get to walk but I won’t be tired.”
Nick snorted, though a smile was still lightening up his eyes. “I won’t ever convince you otherwise, will I?”
Brian only smiled while shaking his head. A half laugh escaped his lips and Nick brought that echo with him while getting up and going to the bathroom. That laugh was the tangible sign that the worst had been finally put behind their backs.
* * * * * * * * *
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Really sure? Like hundred percent sure?"
"Yes, I am. Infinite times sure."
"We don't have to do it now. I mean... If you're tired..."
"I'm not tired."
"But you would tell me if you're hurting, right? I really don't want to repeat that experience and..." Nick hadn't a chance to finish his thought for Brian got on his tiptoes and left a peak of lips upon the corner of his mouth.
"I'm not hurting. I'm feeling good. Stop worrying."
"But you would tell me, right?"
"Yes. Dad."
A small smile managed to appear on Nick's face, loosening that tightness around his eyes. "I'm just... I wanna be sure that you're okay with this." His eyes kept watching Brian's face, searching for any clues, even the smallest one, that would tell him about troubles at the horizon. Or, worse, about a panic attack ready to explode.
Brian took a deep breathe, closing his eyes and tyring to erase those images full of greys and storms, building barriers against the still lingering sensation of rain hitting his skin and how the pain had forcily made its way to take the centre of the stage of that tragedy. So, at that question, he only nodded and held tightly Nick's hand, using it as a leverage to focus and concentrate on where his body really was, not longer prisoner of that cold and ice nightmare: sun was shining warmly upon his face, birds were chirping and singing among the joyful screaming of children playing or running.
He didn't want to live in fear or on the verge of a panic attack every time he thought or look over the park. That was the whole point of going there. Although he was starting to feel tired - and he wasn't really going to mention it to Nick - Brian didn't want to let fear take control over his life, making it swirl and risking ruining the best thing he ever had in his life. In a way, Nick had been right when he first accused him of being ashamed. He just didn't hit the right reason why he was feeling that way. Even at that time, fear was the only one monster he was trying to run away from: fear of something, someone, ruining that love that wasn't sick, weird or abnormal. But it wasn't right to hide, it wasn't right not to live his life the way he wanted only because a small group of people, with their strict mentality and with an ego way too bigger, couldn't bear the thought of them living their life at the light of the sun and just wanted to act as if they didn't exist.
In a hard way, life had taught him that it was too short to live in fear.
Silently the couple started walking slowly on those paths that, just like natural and small snakes, ran around the gardens and split into different and smaller directions. Then they reached their destination, stopping in front of that abandoned basketball field that was still waiting for someone to come and give it life once again. Although, under the bright and warm light of the sun it didn't seem or appear that scary or terrifying as it had been that night of weeks and weeks previous. There they stood, still at first without speaking any words until Nick wrapped and circled Brian's waist with his arms, Brian's back leaning against his chest. Safe in that hug, Brian could find the strength to face and fight the images and the memories of that night.
"It's strange, you know? I don't remember exactly what happened that night. Sometimes I get these images but it always seems like it didn't really happen to me, it more seems like a scene from a movie where you try to empathize with the character and, for just one briefly second, you can capture what he's being feeling."
"What do you remember?" Nick asked, caressing Brian's neck with his lips.
Brian stayed silent for a minute or two, unsure if he should really tell Nick about what has been wearing out his mind. That was the main reason why he had been so adamant to come in that park, to face his fears and finally starting all over again but those thoughts were dark, much darker than anything he had faced before and he didn't know how Nick would react knowing how close he had been to give up and letting himself go.
"I remember the feelings. I remember wanting so badly that everything would end as soon as possible. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to feel that ice cold inside my veins. But, at the same time, I knew that I couldn't give up. I knew that I had to hold on until I had been sure that you knew the truth. That you were absolutely sure that I had loved you more than anyone in this world."
"I've always known, Brian. A part of me had always known, though I didn't want to accept it 'cause I felt like I didn't deserve you."
Brian slowly turned around to face Nick, albeit still staying wrapped inside his arms. Nick didn't let go, he just adjusted his grip around Brian's waist.
"That's why you felt like I was ashamed of us?"
"Yes. - Nick replied, lowering his face so that he could hide in that special spot of skin between neck and shoulder. - It was easier taking it upon you instead than facing my fears. And I still feel guilty."
"It's not your fault. Nick. - Brian reassured him, his words caressing his soul just like his fingers touched his hands. - It was only a series of unfortunate circumstances."
"I know. I know. But I can't help feeling like I should have been there with you. I can't... I can't bear the thought of you being all alone for all those hours. If I had followed you..."
"No more ifs or buts. In a way you were there with me. Even if it was strange and still without an explanation, we were together."
Nick's reply came in the form of a brush of lips against the skin of the neck, his voice drowned by a lump that had found its nest inside his throat. He felt stupid acting his usual overdramatic way, as if he didn't have any right to complain and request comfort when he hadn't been the victim in that situation. Brian was the one that almost lost his life. Brian was the one that still couldn't find a reason and a sense behind what had happened to him. The roles should have been reversed and, yet, here was Brian comforting him.
But, maybe, there was a faint veil of truth in that moment: both of them were searching a sort of closure in that place because both of them had demons and monsters born after that terrible night. And there, with Brian's hand drawing circles and lines on his back, Nick realized that it wasn't only for Brian's sake that they were there. In a way, in that peculiar and particular way that he still couldn't understand, Brian knew that he wasn't the only that had something to face and defeat. And, doing so together, it wouldn't and couldn't seem so terrifying. How could it be when they knew that they would always have a shoulder to lean on and a hand to hold onto when nothing seemed to have any resemblances of normalcy? How could it be so scaring when they did had the proof that they only needed to listen to the other's voice to find their road once again and be together again, meet and start walking over their future?
"You know... we should get married."
Brian's whisper echoed with each beat and beat, fingertips and fingertips, breath and breath. For a brief second, a frail instant that dissolved itself in a blink of an eye, Nick found himself with the need and the want to object at that proposal. It was a mere instinct, a primordial thought born through all those years when he had been so convinced not to be never enough for someone to decide to spend his entire life with him; all those years where he had been led to believe that marriage wasn't that great accomplishment after having witnessed his parents hating and hating each other in the name of love; all those years where he had watched his friends finding love and felt a slight pang of jealousy and envy at the sight, as if it was something that would never happen to him. And then Brian came into his life, turning and changing every little opinion and belief he had about love just like a warm and soft wind breathed out the winter and brought the summer in full force. Nick had long stopped not believing in love because Brian taught him what it really was; Nick had long stopped dreading commitment and, instead, started to really and truly believe in that happily ever after. All thanks and because of Brian.
"It's a practical decision at the end. - Brian kept talking, conscious of that warmth that was coloring and Redding Nick's cheeks. Although, for the first time since forever, he didn't know how to decipher it, he couldn't tell if that red meant something positive or if it was a moment of embarrassment realizing that he couldn't get out of that situation without shame. But he kept talking. Rambling. Bubbling. - We already live together. We share everything. And, if something bad should ever happen again, I want you by my side at the hospital. It should be already unspoken, right? I do love my parents and I know they would try to do what's best for me but they don't know me as you do. They don't live everyday with me, they don't know things and... I want you to take certain decisions and I hope you feel the same way about me. I know it's a great responsibility but it's the way things should be, right? So, yes, I think we should get married."
"Yes." Nick answered, underling that only word with a soft kiss on Brian's neck. There wasn't any doubt or uncertainty in his voice because that could and would always be his answer. So simple and, yet, so powerful. Nick said that only one word with the biggest and warmest smile on his lips, being fully aware that Brian was still so buried and concentrated on his speech to even be able to catch it. So Nick had only to put his fingertips under his chin and lift Brian's face up, letting out a breath of laughter when Brian lowered his gaze and started to play aimlessly with the hem of his shirt.
"Of course it's not only a matter of being practical. Otherwise I would ruin all the romance and the beauty of this decision. I want to share my life without you and I want everyone to know. I want that, whoever notices or see us, would know that you're the person that I love and that makes me a happy and better person. I don't even care or desire a big ceremony, just the people we love."
Only when he had finished speaking Brian dared to gaze up and look inside Nick's eyes, letting his love for him be the last stone of truth in the midst of words and promises. And in that look, inside that look full of love that Nick had on his face, Brian found tears that had nothing to do with those sad and full of anguish that he hadn't been able to brush away weeks before.
"Yes. - Nick replied, taking Brian's face in his hands and kissing him deeply and with every inch of passion he was feeling. - I do agree. We really should get married."
Chapter End Notes:
Yay!
I've finally finished another one! That's a record!
Thanks for everyone who had read and left a review. Or who only read it. =)
I've finally finished another one! That's a record!
Thanks for everyone who had read and left a review. Or who only read it. =)
