“Next track!” Howie wiped the tears from his eyes and collapsed into another fit of laughter. “That one was definitely Lauren’s choice!”
AJ and I stopped our horrendous rendition of Selena Gomez’s “Love You like a Love Song” mid-verse, and I reached for my coffee as AJ hurried over to the small stereo on the counter. While eating breakfast, the three of us had stumbled upon an iPod touch in what was quite possibly the messiest junk drawer that I had ever seen. Naturally, we had immediately plugged the device into the kitchen stereo to see what was on it. When we had been greeted with Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA”, AJ had immediately suggested that we continue to flip through the tracks and guess who had downloaded each song: Lauren or Nick.
I took a long swallow of coffee and set the mug down hard on the kitchen table as the next track began to pump through the speakers. It took me a moment to identify the song, but once I knew what it was I shot AJ a massive grin.
“Nick!” We announced in unison.
Howie’s eyes darted back and forth between the two of us in confusion. “What song is it? I don’t recognize it.”
“You will.” AJ promised. He turned up the volume so that the bass was thumping through the house and nodded in my direction before belting out the first verse.
‘I'm that flight that you get on, international / First class seat on my lap girl, riding comfortable / Cause I know what the girl them need, New York to Haiti / I got lipstick stamps on my passport, make it hard to leave …’
AJ was wiggling his behind in Howie’s general direction and singing along as if his life depended on it. He waved his hand frantically in an effort to get me to join in.
I choked back my laughter just in time to add my voice to the chorus, joining in AJ’s ridiculous dance as I sang along.
‘Been around the world, don't speak the language / But your booty don't need explaining / All I really need to understand is / Will you talk dirty to me? / Talk dirty to me …’
Howie’s eyes finally lit up in recognition as he watched AJ and I bounce around the kitchen. “Jason Derulo’s ‘Talk Dirty to Me’! You guys are right. This was totally Nick’s choice!”
“What’s going on?”
AJ and I stumbled into each other as we both turned to look at Kevin. He had, apparently, finally decided to wake up, and he was now standing in the doorway to the kitchen. His face was radiating a mixture of surprise and displeasure.
“We’re playing a game!” Howie shouted to be heard above the music. “Who picked the song? Nick or Lauren?”
Kevin’s eyebrows cinched together in disbelief. “What?”
“Come on, Kev!” AJ yelled. “Talk dirty to me!” He hip-checked me into the counter and assumed his best gangster face as 2 Chainz’s contribution to the song began to emit from the speakers.
‘Dos Cadenas, close to genius / Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis / Get with arenas, guns on deck / Chest to chest, tongue on neck …’
I grabbed my stomach as I pitched forward into the counter. I was laughing so hard that I could barely breathe. AJ was now ‘rapping’ with so much intensity that I could hardly understand what he was saying.
“Okay.” Kevin walked purposefully over to the stereo and shut it off. “That’s enough.”
“Did we wake you up?” Howie asked, clearly searching for the origin of Kevin’s bad mood. “Sorry.”
Kevin looked around at the three of us in disbelief. “Why are you all having so much fun?”
“What do you want us to do?” AJ shot back. “Hold hands and cry?”
“No, AJ.” Kevin rolled his eyes. “I don’t want us to sit around and cry.”
“Then what’s your issue?” I crossed the kitchen and sat down next to Howie at the table, dragging my steaming mug across the wood.
I was beyond annoyed that Kevin had felt the need to ruin our good time. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I hadn’t been wallowing in the sadness of Nick’s death. Thanks to my cousin’s unnecessary intervention, I had plummeted right back down into the dark and depressing reaches of my grief.
“We have some stuff that we need to discuss.” Kevin pulled a mug from the cupboard and busied himself with the task of filling it to the brim with coffee.
“Like what?” AJ sat down in the chair across from me and scowled. “I don’t feel like talking about Nick.”
“Tough shit.” Kevin added some milk to his cup and took a seat next to AJ. “We’re gonna talk about him anyway.”
“Great.” AJ bristled. “What’s first on the agenda?”
Kevin sighed and looked to me for support, but I purposefully avoided his gaze. I didn’t feel like talking about Nick either.
“I spoke to Leigh last night.” Howie jumped in to smooth things over. “She said that the fans are clamouring for us to make a statement.”
“Kristin told me the same thing this morning.” Kevin nodded in agreement. “I think that we should put something together for the website before we do anything else.”
“That’s what you’re making a priority right now?” AJ demanded. “A stupid comment for the fucking website?”
“It’s not stupid.” Howie defended Kevin’s decision. “It’s something that needs to be done before someone else makes the executive decision to post something for us.”
“Fine.” AJ sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. “What are we gonna say?”
“I think that we just need to acknowledge that he’s – that he’s gone.” Kevin stammered. “We can’t really say too much more, because we don’t know any of the details yet ourselves.”
“Do we each want to include a memory or something like that?” Howie suggested. “How long do we want this statement to be?”
“We need a laptop.” I interjected; my heart was thumping wildly just from thinking about the possibility of having to put my feelings on paper. “That way we can type the message out and send it to Eddie right away.” I stood up from the table and left the kitchen before anyone could protest.
I could still hear the sombre voices of the other guys as I made my way down the hallway. I paused in front of the door to Nick’s home office, my fingers resting lightly on the doorknob. My already racing heart picked up speed as I pushed open the door and stepped inside. Nick’s presence was overwhelming. I could feel my chest tightening as I walked slowly towards the desk, running the tips of my fingers along the items that lined the shelves as I passed.
Nick’s entire life was on display in this room. Intermixed between the platinum albums and the awards were framed pictures of Lauren and his family. Sports memorabilia, video games, knickknacks, CDs, and instruments; every single thing in the room screamed Nick. I paused less than a foot away from the desk and stared at one of the shelves; it was a startling collection of everything Backstreet. There were photos of the five of us from every single stage of our career, from the very beginning to as recent as a few months ago. There was a ticket from the opening night of our first headlining tour, newspaper clippings about our concerts, birth announcements for every single one of our children, and a photo from each of our weddings. It was all there, perfectly preserved like a real-life, unmoving documentary.
The tears were stinging my eyes as I reached for one of the older pictures that occupied a place of prominence in the middle of the shelf. The frame was cheap and worn, a stark contrast to the other well-polished frames that had obviously been purposefully updated to ensure that they were aesthetically coordinated. I could remember the picture being taken. I could remember Nick throwing his arms around my shoulders and pinching my cheeks. I could remember laughing and swatting at him after the picture had been taken. Most of all, I could remember how happy the two of us had been back then. We had both been so young, so careless at that point in our lives. At that time, we had our whole lives ahead of us, a whole career to build; we had only just been getting started.
The tears were falling now; slow and silent. I returned the picture to the shelf and turned to retrieve what had brought me into the room in the first place. The laptop was open on the desk and it sprang to life as I moved to close it. Against my better judgement, I sank down onto the plush leather executive chair and stared at the screen. I wiped at my face with the back of my hand to clear my vision as I pulled myself closer to the computer.
Nick had just finished uploading pictures. The newly created file was still on the screen and my finger shook as I clicked on the option to view the slideshow. Lauren’s face flashed before my eyes and I couldn’t help but smile as I advanced to the next picture; she really was a beautiful woman. The next picture appeared and I smiled again. It was one of AJ and Howie goofing off backstage during a stop on our most recent European tour. As I scrolled through the file, I realized that they were all recent pictures; mostly candid shots taken during the last few months when the five of us had been overseas.
I found myself crying again as I watched the images roll by: Nick jumping on Kevin’s back, Mason and Baylee playing X-Box with AJ, Howie and Leigh cuddling on a couch, Howie and Leigh freaking out because Nick had jumped on top of them, Kevin drinking a beer, me crawling on the floor after Ava, Lauren and Nick simultaneously kissing AJ on opposite cheeks, Rochelle and Nick twerking, me and Nick doubled over in laughter, Kristin holding Max, Howie reading to James and Holden, Nick blowing out the candles on my 39th birthday cake, Baylee giving Nick a dirty looking for blowing out my candles, me and Nick with our arms around each other sporting old-school, fan-crafted Frick and Frack hats, and a group shot of the five of us laughing and hanging off of each other with none of us looking at the camera.
“Brian?”
I raised my wet eyes from the screen and stared at Howie in surprise. He was standing less than a foot away from me and I hadn’t even noticed him.
“Are you okay?”
“I was just looking at these pictures.” I gestured at the screen, making no move to wipe away my tears. “I don’t even remember half of these being taken.”
Howie moved beside me and looked at the screen, his eyes instantly glued to the continuously changing images. “Nick’s such a goof.” His voice caught in his throat as he corrected himself. “He was such a goof.”
“I think I know what our message should be.”
Howie said nothing as I forced my trembling fingers to open a new Word document. I navigated back to the image folder and copied the candid group shot of the five of us into the blank document before dropping down two lines and beginning to type.
1980 – 2014
We now know gone without goodbye.
~AJ, Brian, Howie & Kevin~
I finished typing and paused with my fingers resting on the keys. The picture was once again starting to blur and for a fleeting moment I wished that I was stronger. I wished that I was able to hold it together. I wished that it didn’t hurt as much as it did.
“It’s perfect.”
I turned to face Howie and I was shocked to see the tears running down his face and dripping off of his chin. This wasn’t Howie. Howie was the one who always held it together, who helped the rest of us make it through. Howie was the one who kept everything inside until he was alone, until he was sure that everyone else as okay. If Howie was breaking down, we were all doomed.
“What’s happening?” AJ was standing in the doorway. He looked back and forth between the two of us, and for a split second I thought that he was actually going to turn and run away. “What did you guys find?”
Howie motioned for AJ to come closer. “Brian’s written the message that we’re going to post on the site.”
AJ took a few tentative steps into the room and stopped on the opposite side of the desk. “Howie ...”
“I’m fine.” Howie swiped at his tears and spun the laptop around for AJ’s benefit. “What do you think? The picture is part of it.”
AJ studied the screen for a long moment in silence. When he finally spoke his voice was hoarse. “Let’s send it to Eddie.”
“What the hell are you doing now?” Kevin entered the room and stepped up next to AJ. “None of you came back.”
“The posting is done.” AJ pointed at the screen and wiped at a tear that was building in the corner of his eye.
Kevin nodded gradually, his eyes moving slowly back and forth as he read and re-read the one line comment. He pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped at the screen. “I’ll tell Eddie that we’re sending it right now.”
