October 15, 1998
Orlando, Florida
"I'm in time. Please tell me I'm in time."
Time. It's a funny word. It's a funny thing. Time is a snail. Time is a race car. Time is our friend. Time is our enemy.
Time stands still.
Brian looks like he's been crying. He stares past me at Winnie and relief floods his face. "I had a nightmare-" he shakes his head. "But they haven't taken her in yet."
"A half hour," I say way calmer than I really am.
He walks closer and sits down in the empty chair to my right. He touches Win's hand and smiles.
"Hey beautiful," he coos.
Actually slurs is more accurate. I take a closer look at him. I inhale him.
"Brian," I hiss. "Are you drunk?"
He shakes his head, but he doesn't look my way. I lean closer.
"You smell horrible. You shouldn't be drinking. God, you just had surgery yourself. What the hell are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking," he pauses. "That life is shitty."
I shake my head. "I'm going to ask you to elaborate, but not now. Right now, I'm just going to sit here with you and we're going to pray for a successful surgery and you're going to think about how good coffee is going to taste."
He lowers his head.
"Our father, who art in heaven..."
They put Winnie under at 7:30 a.m. It is the hardest thing for me to watch. I see her eyes flutter closed and I'm not sure that I'll see them open ever again. I clamp my hand to my mouth and try to stifle a sob.
Brian sits quietly, hands clasped around his cup of coffee. He doesn't even try to stem his tears.
Nick, reliable Nick, wraps his arm around me. Nick who made it just in time to place a kiss on Winnie's forehead.
Nick who had spent as long as he could with Ben before coming here to me.
"It's awkward waking up and seeing a movie star in the kitchen," he told me. "That's an awesome friend you have. Not just for watching Ben." He had lowered his voice and smiled. "She told me she's rooting for us."
Us. Him and me. It just sounded right.
"She's going to being," Nick whispers, bringing me crashing back to the here and now. "Once this is done she gets to come home and rule the roost with you. Ben and I will just sit back and watch."
He kisses my forehead and I snuggle into him. I don't know how long we stand there, but finally my stomach growls and Nick frowns.
"I'll go get you something to eat," he decides. "Bri, can I get you something to eat?"
"Sure," he says timelessly. "Breakfast sandwich."
Nick pecks my cheek and gives Brian a thumbs up. I haven't told him about Brian's drunkeness. It doesn't seem overly important at the moment. Nick leaves the room and I sit across from Brian. He looks up.
"Did you sleep last night?"
His mouth quirks up. "Only when I passed out. Then I had that nightmare..." He trailed off.
"Have you talked to anybody?"
"About what?"
"Leighanne."
He sits back like I've slapped him. His fingers press deeper into the styrofoam. "What's there to talk about?"
"Your feelings? Your memories?"
"Memories suck. I wish I could just travel back in time and change everything. Throw your drunk ass at Nick--"
"Excuse me? My drunk ass?"
"You know what I mean," he rakes his hand through his hair. The humidity seems to curl it ten times worse than usual. "Then on the other hand..."
"The other hand?"
"I wonder if God somehow made her plane crash to solve my inner turmoil. To make my decision for me."
"What decision?"
"You."
"Me?"
I almost groan out loud. It's a 'oh no, here we to again' sort of feeling. "Brian, we weren't ever a we. We were more like a crash and burn."
"Do you want to tell our kids that? I don't want them to have that picture of a relationship."
"The picture they'll have is of two parents who are good friends and co-parents. I think it's better than what I grew up with or what Nick grew up with. The whole 'for the kids' theory is flawed."
Brian sighs. "I know, but where I grew up it's not a world with tons of steps and halves and co families. It's just family."
"Too boring," I smile, nudging his knee. He manages a twitchy smile.
"I know you didn't like Leighanne, but I had this whole idea of what life would be like with her. Now, I don't know...I feel like I failed her, I've failed you...I don't deserve a woman."
"How about a man?"
The look on his face is priceless. I smirk. He smiles.
“I hope Ben and Winnie get your sense of humor.”
“I seem to recall that you’ve been voted class clown of the group.”
His eyes crinkle. “The kids are doomed.”
“Doomed? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with laughter.”
Brian smiles. Really smiles.
A few minutes later, he takes my hand.
I don’t pull away.
“What the hell’s taking so long? This shouldn’t take so long. She’s this big,” Nick holds his hands barely apart. “How long does it take to fix something this big in something this big?”
There’s a lot of random hand measurements that follow. I’ve taken to rocking slightly, staring at the clock. The DAMN clock.
The surgery is going on six hours and I’m sure that the doctor is in there just dreading coming out to tell us that it has all gone horribly wrong. I am a second away from an anguished sob.
I make a lot of promises to God. If Winnie makes it through, I’ll make sure to give her the best life ever. I’ll spoil her rotten. I’ll devote my entire life to her happiness. I’ll--
“Miss Standiford? Mr. Littrell?”
Brian and I bounce out of our chairs. After so many hours, Brian is completely sobered up. Nick, already up and pacing, reaches the doctor first. “How is she?” he asks.
The anguished cry I’ve been holding back comes out. Brian’s hand falls to my back.
Dr. Humphrey looks at me and smiles.
“It’s delicate work on someone that small with a heart that small,” she says gently.
I wait for it...I wait for the ‘but’ that will ruin my entire life.
“But she’s doing great. We were able to do the necessary repairs. Her vitals look really good. She’s already pinking up. I’m very optimistic.”
I close my eyes and laugh/cry. I’m pretty sure everyone else would hear it as a snort.
“She’s okay,” Brian says, his voice warm on my ear.
“I heard.”
“She can see her mommy and daddy in a half hour. We’ll just have to have you scrub up.”
“Can I--”
“Parents only. I’m very sorry.”
I open my eyes. Nick stuffs his hands in his pockets as Dr. Humphrey walks away. I see his shoulders slump. I open my mouth, but Brian beats me to it.
“He’s family too,” Brian says. He smiles at Nick. Nick smiles back. I can practically see the tension of the past months melting away.
“He deserves to see her just as much as we do,” Brian adds.
“After all, he’s going to be her step-dad.”
