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Chapter 11
AJ stepped back, admiring the newest picture he had sticky-tacked to his wall. Nick had made it his personal duty to redo AJ’s wall decor in the Beehive and had been drawing pictures to bring to his friend every day. It didn’t matter if Howie or Brian were visiting instead; they always came with a drawing from the youngest Backstreet. This most recent pencil drawing was the most stunning yet. It showed a man hunched over on a fallen log, his hands folded in prayer. Behind him were three crosses, hidden in an early morning mist. AJ could tell that there was a cliff beyond the crosses and a valley down below. Without a doubt, AJ knew the sitting man was Brian in the drawing. The image brought tears to his eyes.

“Nicky, this is truly something special.”

“He goes there every morning, you know.”

AJ turned toward Nick, surprised. He gestured toward the picture. “This is here? In Wyoming?”

Nick nodded. “He’s started praying again. He’s even started up his good old-fashioned preacher shit again.” He rolled his eyes.

AJ couldn’t help but smile. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m genuinely glad to hear that.”

“Fuck, I know. Me too.” Nick grinned a little, but his face quickly sobered. “You know he doesn’t blame you.”

AJ felt his own smile falter as he looked at the wall of drawings. “You guys keep saying that. It’s just hard to accept. I believe you, I guess. I just feel so guilty, with Kevin gone and all...”

Nick let out a little ‘tsk’ sound. “Potty mouth...” He scolded in a gentle tone. AJ smiled. Early on, Nick had been so stressed about breaking the ‘No Business’ rule that he had come up with a code phrase for each time one of the guys slipped into Backstreet-mode. Usually, he screamed it obnoxiously, but this time his tone was a bit gentler.

“You’ve grown up a lot, Nick.” AJ said, turning to his young friend. Nick looked surprised.

“Uh, thanks? Where did that come from?”

“Silver’s been helping me realize how little I’ve actually been paying attention to each of you the past year-and-a-half. I don’t even know what’s been happening in your life, Nicky. How are you? How is Lauren? Aaron? Your parents? I’ve been so wrapped up in my selfishness that I’ve been oblivious to everyone else.”

Nick literally had to close his mouth as he stared at AJ. Brian had mentioned that there was a chance AJ would approach them each, but he honestly hadn’t thought it would happen this soon. And there was no fucking way he would have thought that AJ would approach him first. It was pretty flattering, he wouldn’t lie. For over a year, he had been pissed that AJ seemed oblivious to everything happening around him. As the time had passed, he had sworn not to confide in AJ ever again. They had always been the two youngest together, had shared a special connection from growing up literally in the spotlight. As AJ had pulled away, Nick had built a wall separating himself from the other man. Yet as he looked over at his brother, he could see the genuine interest in AJ’s eyes - and the fear that Nick would turn him down. It made Nick realize just how much guts it must be taking AJ to approach him like this. He sat down on the edge of AJ’s bed, smiling a little at his friend.

“Where should I start?”

***
Nick had come home from his visit absolutely glowing. Howie had opened a bottle of wine, celebrating at the milestone that AJ seemed to be crossing. Brian, on the other hand, had sat quietly the entire night. If AJ was asking personal questions, then it was just a matter of time until he approached Brian about everything - his attempted suicide and the thousands of dollars that he stole from Brian and Leighanne. Brian remembered Dr. Sterling’s words. “One of these days, Brian, I hope that Alexander will come to you and ask you to tell him what it was like for you when you found him in the ocean, and what it has been like for you to give and give and have him abuse you. When he does, Brian, you need to be honest. Alexander needs that from you. Your friendship needs that.”

It made Brian sick to his stomach to think about. What would he say to AJ? How could he begin to explain everything he’s been feeling and working through and struggling with?

Then to top it all off, Howie had attempted to call Kevin and give him an update. Nick and Brian had been sitting in the kitchen when Howie returned barely 5 minutes later. The Latino’s face was crumpled. “He still isn’t answering.”

“Do you think he was serious? About being done with us?” Nick’s voice was small. It had been a long time since he had sounded so young and vulnerable.

“I really don’t know, Nicky.” Howie had leaned toward the blonde, giving him a shoulder squeeze. “I think we just have to wait that one out for a little while.”

“I’m so sick of waiting things out!” Nick jumped up, his chair crashing back against the floor. “We waited AJ out until he wanted to get better. Look where that got us. Now we’re supposed to wait out whether or not Kevin is man enough to talk to us ever again? Like we’re some scorned lover?”

The outburst had caused Brian to jump as well. He had been so distracted he had barely been paying attention to what Nick and Howie were saying. As Howie righted Nick’s chair and calmed him down, Brian had headed toward his room. He had barely been thinking about Kevin these past weeks. Was Nick right? Was Kevin really done?

He called Leighanne before going to bed. He knew Leighanne could talk him out of this funk he was in and help him sort his brain out. Brian missed her like crazy. Her support of Brian and patience as he worked through everything had helped him realize how much her love really meant to him. He had failed to see how much he had let his marriage suffer this past year, yet she continued to stand by him as his helpmeet and lover. He was starting to notice more than ever what she had meant when she had said she wanted her husband back.

He just hoped she was still willing to give him that chance.

As they were talking, Leighanne had suggested that they pray together, and the two of them had prayed together long into the night. He liked that they were praying together again. He liked that HE was praying again. But, he still didn’t feel any more peace with the idea of talking to AJ about that night....

***
Brian hesitated as he went to knock on the door to the Beehive. Even after his talk with his wife, he was still dreading this visit today. He sighed and rapped on the door. No use delaying the inevitable.

When there was no immediate answer, he knocked again, a little stronger this time. After a second pause, he pushed open the door. “Alex?” He could hear the panic in his own voice as he rushed into the Beehive, only to be greeted by an empty room.

“Ah, amigo. Do not be nervous!” Brian spun to see Sofia walking toward the room. “I just saw Conejito out on the walking trail. I think he’s having a tough day today. Pobrecito. I’m glad he has friends like you.” She guided him out of the room and toward the outer doors.

Brian smiled weakly at Sofia, but he felt the guilt settle in his stomach. Here he had been, totally consumed in his selfish thoughts while his friend has been struggling. Thank you, God, for once again showing me my prideful nature. Although his prayer had a hint of annoyance, there was a far larger grain of truth behind it. He hated being reminded of his ego, but it was good to feel God guiding his life again. How had he let this go?

After a few minutes walking down the mulch path, he found Alex perched on a boulder by a gurgling stream. Brian had never come out here before. They were in the middle of the valley, surrounded by green prairie and towering mountains. The early morning sun was still cool and the breeze was light and gentle. He sat down next to AJ, pulling his knees up to his chest. He could practically cut the tension around AJ with a knife. He tried to keep the mood light. “It’s beautiful out here.”

AJ didn’t reply at first. After a few moments, he mumbled, “It’s kinda like déjà vu sitting here.”

“Except we aren’t sopping wet.” Brian smirked when he saw AJ’s lips twitch. They sat in silence for a minute, watching the bubbling stream.

Brian leaned over, gently nudging AJ’s shoulder. “Don’t tell Nick or Dr. Sterling, but I’ve been writing a song about you.”

“That’s a little creepy.”

“I won’t lie, it’s pretty epic.”

Suddenly, AJ sprang up, jumping onto a lower rock by the water. The sudden movement surprised Brian. “It’s killing me to not make music. I’ve reached a standstill with Silver. These fucking bats-”

Brian looked above them at the clear blue sky, void of all winged creatures. “Bats? What are you talking about? Did they give you a lobotomy since I last saw you?”

AJ wrung his hands together as he pushed off the balls of his feet, as if the nervous energy in his body suddenly couldn’t be contained. “You know, like song birds? Except these are evil, and won’t go away. So I call them my song bats.”

Brian couldn’t stop the snort that flew out of his mouth. “Yup. A lobotomy. You’re crazier than I thought.”

AJ’s agitation continued to rise. He started rubbing his fingers against the edge of his sweatshirt, and he bounced faster. “I have, like, 10 songs flying around in my head right now. I can’t get them out, but I can’t write them down, and I’m sure they’re fantastic, but I’m terrified I’m going to lose them. And how selfish is that? I’m still fucking thinking about the bang for my buck as I’m in the loony bin. It’s hopeless. I’m a fucking loss and am never gonna get better. I can’t do this, Bri. I can’t.”

Brian felt his own heart best begin to rise. “Alex-” He was interrupted by AJ plopping down next to him again on the rock.

“Tell me what happened that night, Brian. I need to know. Tell me what I did. Tell me what it was like for you.”

Brian froze. AJ was known for fast mood swings, sure. But he couldn’t possibly tell AJ. Not now, not with how fragile AJ obviously was. He knew AJ was itching for a fight. AJ had this strange need to have his self-esteem blown to shit whenever he was feeling vulnerable. It didn’t take a genius to see that AJ was pulling the same act he had that morning in the cabin when he attacked Howie, Brian and Nick. He was scared everyone was going to pull away - scared he was going to fail. In AJ’s mind, the solution was to push them away first. Brian didn’t need Dr. Sterling to analyze that one out for him.

“I gotta go.” Brian jumped up. He couldn’t do this. Sterling had said that Brian’s words wouldn’t cause AJ to spiral backwards, but he just didn’t buy it. AJ had just said himself that he was at a standstill. Brian couldn’t risk causing it to teeter the wrong way.

He caught AJ’s wounded look as he bolted down the path. So much for being honest.