Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry for the delay! Thank you to those that are reading, and PLEASE keep giving your feedback- positive or negative!
Chapter 13
Brian quietly entered the meeting room, trying not to disrupt the man hunched over the table against the far wall. It had been two days since he had been to Woodbine. Howie said that AJ was in much better spirits yesterday, and that J was working on a few things but wasn’t ready to share them with the guys yet. Brian was still a bundle of nerves, but hoped that the CD he had in his pocket would help give a few answers to the question that Brian was so afraid to speak out loud. The song currently coming out of the speakers was one Brian had never heard before, and Brian could hear AJ adding harmonies on top of his own recorded voice. He walked up behind AJ, gently resting his palm on AJ’s shoulder. AJ continued to sing, holding up the piece of paper with the lyrics scribbled on it. Brian secretly groaned - it was no question that AJ had the worst handwriting on the planet. But he tried his hardest to read over his friend’s shoulder, deciphering the chicken scratch as he listened to AJ’s words.
The song ended, somewhat abruptly, reminding Brian that it was still a work in progress. AJ turned to look up at his bandmate. “You made this happen.” He stated, shifting his gaze to the equipment.
“I’ve spent enough time with you to know how you tick.” AJ nodded in appreciation, reaching back to grab and squeeze Brian’s hand. After a moment, AJ released him and returned to his paper. Brian waited a beat before interrupting. “How are the bats?” He couldn’t hold back the gentle chuckle that escaped as he said it.
AJ growled, but Brian could hear the smile in the guttural sound. “You are never going to let me live that down, are you? And you told Sterling too? Just because I have a better imagination than you…” AJ tried to keep his voice angry, pretending to sigh as he ran his hand through his hair.
Brian pulled up a chair next to AJ and straddled it, propping his elbows on the top of the backrest. He rest his chin on his elbows and tried to catch AJ’s gaze, his own eyes crinkled in laughter. “Wait ’til you see what Nick is drawing you for tomorrow.”
“Oh God…” AJ couldn’t help it anymore, he turned toward Brian, his eyes rolling. As soon as their eyes met, they both burst into laughter.
“Seriously, J, bats?!” Brian reached out and lightly punched AJ’s arm. “I mean, that has to be the funniest thing I ever heard! I seriously wondered if you had gone mental!” Brian leaned back, wiping the tears of laughter that leaked from his eyes.
AJ shook his head in mock annoyance. “Yeah, yeah. I think it’s a given that I’m a little mental.” The laughter died into a comfortable silence.
“Tell me about that song.”
“Just something I have been toying with since I got here.” He filled Brian in on the basic point of the song, looking down in embarrassment when he acknowledged that it was about Kevin.
“Care to play it again?”
AJ hesitated for only a second before he obliged, once again adding some harmonies as he heard them fall into place. After the first verse, Brian picked up the tune and joined in, working his voice around AJ’s live and recorded voices where it seemed to fit. As the second chorus wound down, the music again came to an almost abrupt ending. Brian threw his hands up. “I gotta hear the bridge!”
AJ looked away, embarrassed. “I just wrote it today. There’s no music yet. I don’t know if it’s too… frank, or obvious, or stupid or something.” Brian nodded. He knew how hard it was to play a personal song for the first time. Like opening your soul to the world. He waited, knowing AJ would sing when he was ready.
AJ started the chorus again, this time a cappella. He looked straight at Brian, holding his gaze. The darkness in his chocolate eyes was jarring to Brian, portraying a chasm that Brian sometimes forgot was hiding there.
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
I wish I could find you
Just like he found me
Then I would never let you go
AJ’s voice cracked, and he looked down, letting the words fade between them.
Brian was floored. AJ was known for his art of writing bridges - he always took a song that seemed like it was going one direction and added just a little twist. He had a knack for changing one or two words and making the whole last chorus have a double meaning with his twist. Brian couldn’t even begin to count the amount of times that the other Boys would turn to each other during a recording session, mouths open and the spin AJ had improvised in the booth. Half the time he would do it to songs they hadn’t even written, and then have to beg the writers to leave it that way for the recording. Sometimes they were successful keeping his twists - sometimes, it was a lost battle. But the Boy’s always knew the ‘hidden bridges’ existed, and loved to catch each other’s eyes during live performances when they would pop up. Brian had always treasured those tiny moments that bonded them together - moments that had all but disappeared in the last few months.
“Am I the ‘he?’” Brian asked quietly. When AJ only nodded, still looking down, Brian quickly stood up and swallowed the young man in a hug. “I love it, Alex. It’s so good. Poignant and perfect.”
“Thanks.” AJ’s words were thick in his throat.
Still holding his friend, Brian took a deep breath. “I know I ran out the other day on you. Honestly, Alex, I’m terrified to tell you what this has all been like for me.”
AJ pulled away, sitting back down. “Because you think I’ll backslide.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement.
“Well, yes. And I don’t want to add any extra guilt or pain on you when you are already dealing with enough.”
AJ reached up, rubbing his neck. “Silver says he thinks I’ll be ready to be discharged in the next week or so.”
“Oh yeah?” Brian was surprised by the topic change, but had learned over the years to go with the flow when AJ and Nick had moments of ADD. He again straddled his chair, waiting AJ out.
“I would rather be able to work it out with him here to help me than on my own months from now.”
Brian pursed his lips. AJ was right, of course. “That Dr. Sterling is a smart man.” AJ rolled his eyes, but Brian knew that he agreed.
Brian reached into his sweatshirt pocket and pulled out a CD. “This is the song I was telling you about. I wrote most of it after I dropped you off here that Sunday. Howie has helped with some of the harmonies. Nick just heard it for the first time yesterday - we haven’t had a chance to add him in yet. It doesn’t answer everything… but I tried.”
AJ took the CD from Brian’s outstretched hand. Brian could see his hands shaking as he opened the case and placed the CD in the player. As the simple background began, AJ closed his eyes to listen to the words of his bandmates.
How come I was the last to know?
Took the stage then you stole the show
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon
I was captured by that stare
Now I’m shattered, but I don’t care
And the people walking by don’t have a clue
That I kissed your face
Till the sun was in our eyes
Till the afternoon arrived
And I can't explain
Last night I saw the fireworks
The kind of pain that never hurts
The one you hate to love is made for you
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon
Monday is a funny thing
Still waiting for the phone to ring
Will my imagination take it slow
After Saturday, my life is changed
In a moment it was rearranged
Strange how easy it is letting go
And I miss your face
Like the sun was in my eyes
And now I'm running blind
This sweet relief
Unexpected things
Is this the end or only the beginning
I miss your face
Like the sun was in my eyes
Like the afternoon
Now I'm running blind
I can't explain
Last night I saw the fireworks
the kind of pain that never hurts
The one you hate to love that's made for you
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon
The silence that followed the song’s ending seemed to go on for eternity. Brian felt so uncomfortable. Maybe it had been too much - maybe it was upsetting AJ. Maybe he was reading into it the wrong way —
“You got some talent, Rok. There’s a lot of hidden messages in this song.” Although he was making an attempt at humor, AJ’s voice was thick with emotion.
Suddenly, Brian couldn’t hold back the dam of emotions pushing through him. He dropped his head onto his hands, his voice slightly muffled by the back of the chair. “I wake myself up with nightmares, Alex. I’ll be in a cold sweat, screaming, practically jumping out of bed. In the dream, I’m always swimming toward you, but I know I’m too late. It’s daylight… and I just know. And I get to you, and - and-” he choked, the sob not able to escape his throat. He looked up suddenly, his gaze fierce. “It’s killing me, Alex! You mean so much to me. I’m happy you are getting better. I’m thankful that you are seeing the big picture, and that Leighanne is so understanding, and that money is just money, and that God is so merciful. But Alex, I couldn’t live without you. The fear that you might try again and that I won’t know, or that I could be too late…” He trailed off, his hand suddenly rubbing his chest above his heart.
“It scares me too.” AJ had tears streaming down his face. He tentatively reached out to touch Brian’s arm, stopping the blonde’s rubbing motion over his heart. “But I hope that I am learning some-” he paused, seeming to search for the right word, “-healthier ways to handle my thoughts.” He let go of Brian’s arm and reached into the neck of his own shirt. He pulled out the cross - the cross that he had found that night in the sand that belonged to Brian. “I’ve worn this every day. It’s been there to steady me when I thought there was no way I could go another day. But it was on loan to me from a dear friend of mine and his wonderful wife.” He unclasped the necklace and handed it out to Brian. “Leighanne is an amazing woman for putting up with you. For putting up with me. Tell her I love her, will you?” He looked straight at Brian, his eyes intent as he held out the cross. Brian nodded. “I’m so sorry about everything that I did to you, Brian. And to all the guys. I know I was a real dick.” Brian opened his mouth to interrupt, but AJ held up his hand. “Let me finish. I’m sorry you had to find me that night, and I know it was a terrible thing to put you through. But I am so thankful it was you. You’ve been my rock, Rok.” His lips formed a wry smile, and Brian couldn’t help but chuckle a little.
“Pun intended?”
AJ laughed, the sound thick in his voice. “Damn straight. Pun intended.”
Brian wiped his eyes, shaking his head as he stood up. “I swear, the emotional intensity of this place just about does me in. Come here, you little squirt.”
“Who you calling squirt, shorty?” AJ stood, and the two men folded into a tight hug.
Rubbing AJ’s back, Brian spoke. “We’ll figure out the whole Kevin thing. We just need to find a way to make it his idea.”
AJ snorted. “Yeah. You let me know how that goes with Eyebrow Man. You’re the only one who has ever been able to successfully do that.”
Brian stilled. AJ had a point. Was it really up to Brian to figure out a way to get Kevin to listen?
