AJ screamed. He was drowning, and the fluid filling his lungs was worse that the saltwater could ever be. There was no escape. He couldn’t breathe...
Brian panicked. AJ had been silent since he accused Brian of playing hero, yet it seemed that ten thousand different demons had just suffocated Alex at once. Doing the only thing he knew how, he lunged forward, wrapping his arms around his friend’s tiny frame.
He felt AJ’s body shaking violently. He pulled himself right next to Alex, his knees pressed awkwardly into AJ’s thigh as he tried to bring them closer together.
“No,” AJ gulped, trying to pull away. “Don’t touch me.”
Brian ignored him. He held on tight - AJ’s weak struggling was practically a joke. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what. I love you! You are my brother. All the shit that’s gone down - the money, the lies - they don’t matter. We can sort that out. I want to help you, but you have to be willing to really do it. I’m not going to be a sucker again, understand?” AJ’s shaking continued as he gasped for air. The sorrow he had been drowning in seemed to slowly be draining, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling like a complete failure.
“Brian,” he whispered through gasps. “The only reason you think you feel this way is because you saw me out there. The others.... they won’t be so forgiving. You shouldn’t be so forgiving.” As much as he wouldn’t admit it, he relished the feeling of Brian’s body holding him tight. “Even if you say that...” He stopped, his whole body convulsing. “...that you don’t care what I did to you... Brian, I still did it- and somewhere inside you still feel that anger. What I did to you-”
“Can be fixed.” Brian interrupted. “All I want is for you to get better.”
AJ stopped shaking. Could this be true? “Please, Brian. Please help me.” For the first time, he turned to look at his friend. The chocolate eyes were dull and hopeless. “Please.”
Brian felt his heart catch. AJ looked so lost. “I don’t want to be fooled again, Alex.” Brian said, his jaw clenching as he refusing to look away. Too many times he had allowed AJ to make his heart soar, only to be disappointed by the young man later. “But if you mean this, I can do nothing but comply.”
It seemed as if a great, heavy fist had suddenly released its grip on AJ’s heart. He felt relieved. He sucked in a large breath, nodding. “Yes. Help me.” Brian may not have any reason to know otherwise, but AJ knew he wasn’t pulling a fast one. Suddenly, he remembered the cross that had been trapped tightly in his hand. Shame crept across his face.
Brian noticed the change in AJ’s expression and pulled away. His eyes clouded with distrust. Fear and disappointment pushed through him, but he forced the words out. “What is it?”
“I have... well... this is yours.” He held the necklace out, ignoring the blood around the edges of the cross and matching cuts in his palm.
Brian had to admit, that was not what he was expecting. He watched the gold glisten off the moonlight, noticed the blood in AJ’s hand and the deep gashes in his skin. “You stole it.” The words were out before he could stop them.
“I found it.”
“Why did you keep it?”
“To believe that God would be there.”
Brian’s whole world stopped spinning. He heard Leighanne’s words again. “Where is God in your heart right now?” He thought about his prayer to his Father as he swam out toward AJ. Prayers to a God who he had ignored for many, many months.
He turned the cross over, reading the inscription even though it was forever ingrained in his memory.
He will hold you in his hand.
-L
“He is here, Alex.”
“You don’t know that.”
“You’re right. But, I’m still here, aren’t I?”
“Are you calling yourself God?”
“Pretty damn close.” AJ couldn’t help but laugh. Brian felt himself balloon with happiness. He made AJ laugh, and Jesus, it sounded like ten thousand angels.
It ended as quickly as it started. AJ’s face clouded, and he pushed the necklace toward Brian. Brian shook his head. “Keep it, J. As long as you need it, it’s yours. Just get it back to me someday.” As AJ started to pull his hand away, Brian grabbed his wrist, his eyes on AJ’s face. He opened AJ’s palm, reaching out to touch the wounds in his palm. He watched AJ flinch, but he didn’t pull away.
They were interrupted by a cold throat clearing behind them. Surprised, AJ jumped. He turned his back on the voice, knowing exactly who it was. All the regret and shame he had been slowly releasing flooded his soul again.
Brian turned boldly to meet Howie’s gaze. The Latino’s face was clouded with distaste and disgust. “What does he want now?” He spat. “Whatever it is, Brian, I’ll be damned if I stand by and watch you get suckered by him again.” His words caused Brian to turn and look at AJ, and Howie could see the warmth in the Kentuckian’s eyes for the fuck-up. “Damnit, Brian,” he hissed. “You’re a fool.”
AJ waiting, expecting an agreement from Brian. He was surprised when Brian stood, his hand grazing AJ’s shoulder in a protective manner. He walked straight to Howie and twisted the older man away from AJ.
“Howie. Shut the fuck up.”
The Latino raised an eyebrow. “That’s new language for you, Bri. He teach you that?”
“I’ve worked too God-damned hard for you to screw this up now.”
“What are you talking about?” He looked at Brian as if he’d grown a second head. Then he blinked. “Why are you wet?”
“Use your reasoning skills. You’re a smart man.” Howie looked past Brian at AJ, who was also wet.
“He’s asking for help.”
“Oh bullshit! This again?” Howie’s voice rose. “How many times is too many, Rok? When will you get that he’s fucking with you, milking you for all he can get?” He couldn’t help but smirk as he saw AJ twitch. “I pity you, Brian.”
“Howard.” Brian’s voice was low and authoritative. “Fuck. Off.”
With a spin, Howie turned to leave, but not before he saw Brian quickly striding back to AJ so that he was in front of the small man on the sand. Howie began to walk away, but stopped short when he heard AJ’s words.
“He’s right, Bri. Go already. Don’t waste your time. You know I can’t promise anything. It’s useless - I’m just gunna fuck it up again like he said.”
As AJ spoke, Howie slowly turned so he was watching the two men on the edge of the ocean. And it was as if he suddenly saw AJ in a different light. Instead of the self-centered asshole alcoholic, he saw the skinny, hopeless shell of a man barely holding on.
Brian didn’t answer at first. He had seen Howie turn, and was hoping Howie would say something. Instead, the Latino turned on his heel and continued away from the two men. Brian lowered his head, leaning in to hold AJ.
“No, Alex. No.”
