Chapter 5
Nick sat by the ocean, the empty beach to his left and the four other lodges directly to his right. He had turned down Kevin’s invite to the other side of the island. He just wasn’t feeling up to it. He wasn’t feeling up to anything, really. He growled in frustration. Even the ocean, which had always been so good at calming him, didn’t seem to be able to squelch his anger.
He stood, heading back toward his cabin. He blinked, surprised to see Howie walk straight into Nick’s own cabin. Jogging, he reached his door and entered himself. “D?”
Howie came out from the bedroom, holding the blankets from Nick’s bed.
“What the hell are you doing, D?”
“I need to borrow these. You’ll get them back.”
“What? For what? Dude if you jizzed your own blankets, don’t just steal mine-”
Howie didn’t answer. Instead, he walked past Nick and back out the door. Puzzled, Nick followed. When Howie didn’t initiate conversation, Nick fell into step beside him. Something told him to remain quiet, which was weird. Definitely not a trait he was used to. It made him wonder if he should learn to trust his instinct more often...
After about five minutes along the shore away from the cabins, Howie stopped. Nick, who was lost in his own thoughts, almost walked straight into him. Stumbling, he looked down at the older man, waiting. He was just about to crack a joke about an awkward spot for a picnic when Howie met his gaze, a pained expression painted across his eyes. Nick closed his mouth.
“Nick... I don’t know how comfortable you are going to be...” He trailed off, and took a deep breath before starting over. “Alex tried to kill himself.” He watched Nick’s face for a reaction, but there wasn’t one. “I know. I felt the same at first. But now... Nick, this is different. I can’t even hide that. Brian’s there right now-” He held out his hands, palms up, as Nick’s brow furrowed. Howie continued, “-and he swam out to get AJ, I think. If you’re not going to be helpful, go back now. Brian is extremely protective at this moment and Bone is pretty fragile.”
The tension in the air was thick. After a moment, Nick ran his hands through his hair in frustration. Howie waited. Eventually, Nick nodded. Although he wasn’t 100% certain he was going to be helpful, after an introduction like that, there was no way he was going to not be involved. Again, he felt that little instinct voice in his body nudging him in the direction of the open beach, and again he chose to follow. Howie fell into step with him.
After a few more minutes, he noticed the two figures crouched in the darkness on the beach, much like he had just been barely fifteen minutes ago. The scene was surprisingly beautiful. Had he not known the seriousness of the situation, he would have stopped to sketch the scene: the starry sky and the moon casting a glow off the sand and water, the silhouette of the men ahead of him sharp and perfect.
Blinking twice, he took another step forward. Howie followed inches behind him, carrying the blankets. Spinning, he quickly lifted one of the blankets from the short man’s arms into his own. Yet as they neared the two men, he slowed. His heart began to pound, realizing he had nothing to say to AJ. After months of silent avoidance and feelings of nothing but hatred toward the man, it felt almost impossible to want to help. Yet somehow, he could feel this shift happening inside of him. Howie passed him, quickening the pace. After a few more steps, Howie cleared his throat.
The déjà vu was uncanny. Brian spun to look up at Howie, surprised he had returned. But what caught him off guard more than the Latino’s return was the sight of Nick standing beside him. He couldn’t stop the small choking sound that escaped his throat, which caused AJ to turn quickly, afraid. When AJ’s gaze hit Nick and Howie, he quickly looked away in shame.
Howie directed his next sentence straight at AJ. “Look at me, Bone.” AJ shook his head slightly. He couldn’t. He couldn’t face it, couldn’t face them. “LOOK AT ME!” Howie’s yell caused them all to jump. The crack in his voice was undeniable. Blinking rapidly, AJ complied. Howie had always been able to read AJ like a book. He could peg AJ’s plans and intentions sometimes before AJ himself knew what they were. As AJ brought his eyes to meet Howie’s, Howie could see all of AJ’s fears floating right at the surface.
He stepped forward, never once dropping AJ’s gaze. He draped the blanket he was holding around AJ’s shoulders before holding out his empty hand.
Brian and Nick watched as AJ slowly reached out to hold Howie’s hand. He was pulled up with ease, his small frame unable to resist against Howie’s strength. Brian stood and took the second blanket that Nick offered. Their eyes met briefly. Nick nodded at the shorter blonde, acknowledging the bizarre situation they had found themselves in.
The group of men slowly began to walk; Nick on the water’s edge, with Alex beside him. The entire group remained silent as they walked. As they moved on, AJ could hear Nick’s quiet sniffles from beside him, but he didn’t dare look over. The blanket gave his body the warmth it coveted, but his heart still lay cold and broken within him.
AJ felt his pulse begin to race. Now what? Were they all going to sit him down, make him relive everything? All he wanted was to open his eyes and have this whole thing be done. He wanted to be back 5 years; touring, laughing, enjoying life and each other. Or be back in the water, oblivious to everything. Finally finished.
They were walking past Nick’s cabin, then past Brian’s. After passing his own cabin, he began to wonder just where they were headed. As Howie’s cabin neared and then passed, he began breathing heavier. No. They couldn’t make him go see Kevin. He would strangle AJ. It was impossible that they would all forgive him so easy. And Kevin... Jesus. Kevin had once been like a father to AJ. Until this morning. Until AJ had heard that phone call earlier. Now... now Kevin was just one more person who he had disappointed beyond repair.
Before the others had time to think anything through or stop him, he spun around and bolted toward the forest. “Alex!” He registered Nick’s yell, registered the young man gaining on him. Nick had always been more in shape than all the others, faster and stronger. Probably all that sugar he ate. AJ cursed silently. Why couldn’t it be Howie that followed him? Howie was always the slow one. He could tell Nick was close, but he didn’t dare turn to look. If he made it to the tree line, he could escape. He could keep running forever...
The sand beneath his feet made it difficult to push off the ground. His legs almost collapsed when they hit the packed sand, and the difference caused him to stumble. The trip gave Nick just enough time to gain on him, jumping at the perfect time to grasp AJ around the waist in a tight lock. They both fell to the ground, AJ’s skull hitting the ground with a smart snap. He could feel the gash across his cheek and the immediate blood that rose to the surface.
***
Nick held on to AJ with everything he had. His face was pressed against AJ’s side, and he could feel Bone’s ribs through the blanket. His own heart was pounding, and the desire to scream was stronger than Nick thought he could handle. He clamped his mouth shut, afraid of what such an animal sound would do to AJ’s psyche.
Brian and Howie caught up, and it was Brian who knelt in the clay beside their bodies. He gently laid his hand on AJ’s shoulder, and Nick released the little body. “What was that for, Alex?” Nick asked, sitting up. AJ curled his body into a tight ball, his knees against his chest.
“I can’t go see Kevin.” The voice was so small, so weak, that Nick wasn’t even sure he heard him. Brian moved his face so that he was in AJ’s line of vision, forcing eye contact with the ball of limbs. AJ lifted his head slightly. “I’m sorry. But I can’t.” He let out a little moan and dropped his head back into the dirt. The blood from his cheek dripped along his unshaven goatee. Brian glanced across at Nick, then up at Howie.
“Okay, Alex. That’s okay. We won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.”
Nick rolled onto the balls of his feet, and reached down to pick up the tangle of limbs in his arms. He stood up, cradling his friend against his chest. AJ rested his head against Nick’s shirt, his eyes closed. The young blonde was surprised at how light AJ felt. He had always been skinny, sure, maybe even scrawny. Hell, ‘Bone’ had always had double meaning to the group. But this was a whole new level.
They walked silently in the direction they had come. “You got him alright?” Howie asked after a few minutes.
“Shh. He’s asleep.” Nick whispered, startled that AJ could fall asleep so fast. He looked at Howie. “He doesn’t weigh a thing. I’ll be fine.”
“I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe it.” Howie shook his head. Nick nodded his agreement. As the path opened up to the beach, they fell into a line beside each other.
Brian spoke, his voice hoarse. “I can still see him out there. I can still feel that sinking feeling... still hear his pain and anger and fear and confusion. Jesus... I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle this... not on top of everything else.”
“We’ll figure something out. You aren’t handling this alone. We’re all here together.”
“Are we?” Brian stopped, turning to look at the other two. “Are we together?”
“Yes.” They answered simultaneously.
“And Kevin?” Brian motioned toward AJ, toward the general location of Kevin’s cabin. He repeated his question. “And Kevin?”
Unfortunately, neither man had an answer for that one.
Nick turned toward Howie’s cabin, the first one they reached. Howie moved forward to get the door for the man and his passenger. Carefully, Nick carried AJ through the cabin and laid him gently on the bed. Stepping back, the three of them watched him sleep. Nick steered Brian out of the room as Howie sank into the chair in the corner. It was 1:30am.
Author's Chapter Notes:
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