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Chapter 6
When AJ awoke he was lying in a bed, the sheets pulled up around him. As his memory caught up with his consciousness, the events of the previous night returned with a shudder. He could feel the dried blood on his cheek and tentatively reached up to touch the scratch. He hoped it wasn’t too terrible. Groaning, he rolled over and was surprised to see Howie asleep in the armchair across the room. Howie’s head was back, his mouth open. In any normal situation, he and Nick would be covering Howie’s face with food and any other object they could find. They would be hiding together behind the door, waiting for the well-known, ‘I could kill you!’ scream that always came from the waking Howie. But this was far from a normal situation.

He heard the door to the front of the cabin creak and he rolled in bed toward the sound. Nick entered, concentrating on the two cups of coffee in his hands. His brow was wrinkled, his tongue stuck between his lips as his eyes never left the liquid. AJ watched as he set the cups down on the nightstand, resting his butt against the edge of the bed in the process. Turning toward AJ, he jumped when their eyes met.

“I expected you to be asleep.” He looked back at the coffee, then toward Howie. “You can have one, if you want. I brought it for D, but he looks pretty content.”

AJ shook his head slightly against the pillows. “No, thanks.” He rolled away from the younger man, an awkward silence filled the cabin, peppered by Howie’s light snoring. AJ was at a loss of what to say. He was embarrassed to be by his bandmates. Now that the comfort of the night was lifting, he feared what they would think. Kevin always used to say that things looked different in the light of day. For the first time, AJ really understood what he meant. Oh, God. Kevin.

A knocking at the door interrupted them both. Howie jumped up, mumbling in Spanish as he wiped the drool from his mouth. Nick stood up as well, the bed creaking slightly. AJ heard the man enter the room, but was uncertain if it would be Brian or Kevin. Honestly, he didn’t have the energy to turn and look.

It was Brian who leaned forward and began rubbing AJ’s back. AJ tensed under his hand, but Brian didn’t stop. “I know you’re awake, Alex. Turn around.”

AJ complied and brought his guarded eyes up to meet Brian’s. “I need to know, Alex, if you still want to go. To get help, I mean. If not, well, I understand, I guess. It’s up to you.” He watched AJ, and AJ had to break his gaze. It floated over Howie, still standing by the chair; Nick by the bathroom. Finally he let his vision settle on the ceiling beyond Brian’s face. He closed his eyes, willing away the tears that seemed always so close. One escaped, cascading down his cheek. Taking a shaking breath, he nodded.

“Yes.” His whisper was almost silent, but the energy in the room shifted.

“Okay.” Brian couldn’t keep the relief from his voice. He was almost bouncing. “Okay, Alex. Well, we’re leaving in 40 minutes then.” AJ opened his eyes, looking straight at Brian.

“We?”

“I’m coming with you.”

AJ didn’t know how to respond. He was pretty sure his mouth was hanging open. Did Brian plan to hold his hand through the rest of life? Watch him sweat and shake and die from the withdrawal of his addiction? Sit in a psych ward with him while the doctors analyzed every one of his major problems? Mr. McLean. Tell us why you are so fucked up. Scowling, he turned from Brian and crawled off the bed.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m gunna take a piss. Then shower. Is that allowed? Or do I need a chaperone?” AJ knew his voice was more cruel than it needed to be. He just felt so raw. It seemed like the mountain in front of him was taller than fucking Everest and he had no idea how to even begin to climb it.

Howie stepped forward. Always the mediator, good ol’e Howie D. “J. You don’t need a chaperone. Stop-” He paused, took a deep breath. Started over. “You’ve been through a lot these last few hours. We all have. No one is really sure how to handle this. Just let us be there for you.”

AJ had been walking away from Howie and Brian as D spoke. He hesitated mid-step, his eyes catching Nick’s. Crazy, bubbly, wild Nick. The youngest Backstreet stared at him, his entire body completely still. AJ wondered, fleetingly, if he had ever seen Nick stand that still. He looked like those wax mannequins at Ripley’s Believe It or Not. He shook his head slightly. That was where his focus was right now? He really was fucked up. Reaching for the bottom of his shirt, he peeled it from his body as he continued walking, refusing to acknowledge Howie’s statement. He saw Nick’s eyes slide down his chest, saw the slight twitch that crossed Nick’s face at the sight of AJ’s gaunt frame.

“Get your eyes off me, pretty boy.” He moved past Nick, slamming the bathroom door.

***
Nick fell against the wall, a frustrated growl leaving his lips. He pulled his hands through his hair. “I’m not certain he wants our help.”

“You know Alex,” Brian said, still bouncing slightly. “He’ll always get defensive before he really starts to change. It’s part of his MO.”

“I don’t know him, actually. I know the old AJ. But I couldn’t tell you a damn thing about what this person is going to do.” Nick pushed the air out of his mouth, gesturing toward the bathroom. “This is insane.”

“You got that right.” Howie came over, pulling Nick into a hug. “But I’m serious. We veered down a path sometime in the last year that I can’t say I’m exactly proud of. I think this is one of those moments in life that slaps us back on track and taking care of what is important. It sure as hell won’t be easy for us, but it is going to be a million times harder for Alex. We have to turn the other cheek when he needs somewhere to lash out.”

“Oh, goodie. Lucky us.”

Howie stepped back, and Nick could see him shift into business mode. “I’m going to go get his bags packed. Brian, go do the same. Nick, even if it pisses him off, stay with him. Sit on the toilet if you have to. Keep talking to him. We really don’t know what he’s thinking right now. If he’s still suicidal-”

“You think so?!” Nick felt his voice rise in panic. He cringed at the squeak he heard.

“I have no idea. It’s possible.”

“What if...” He faltered. “I can’t keep my cool. You know me. What if I make it worse?”

“Don’t think like that.” It was Brian who came forward. “Don’t you think I felt that, sitting on the beach with him? At first, I wanted nothing more than for anyone else to be there. To fix that shit. But then, I realized that we are what Alex needs. God put us here for him.”

Brian hadn’t mentioned God out loud in forever. Nick and Howie both stared at him. Howie put his arm around Brian, leading him out the door. He couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “Yes. Yes, He did.”

***
AJ leaned against the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. His hair was sticky from the salt water and the rings under his eyes were dark and ominous. He listened carefully as the men on the other side of the door conversed, oblivious to his eavesdropping. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he was secretly glad they were all there. Sure, he still wanted to be out in that water. But it was as if a tiny little spark was flickering somewhere within his soul, trying to reignite.

Scratch that. Trying to come back to life.