Dark Times In Still Waters
Chapter 44
By Dottie
Copyright 2014
After meeting Penny in the parking lot, they walk out of the school slowly. Teagan turns to Penny. "Where's Kevin? The others?"
Penny sighs. "You’ll see them later. I think we need to talk alone about today. I know you're...very emotional today. I wanted to...make sure you weren't going to flip out and blame Kevin about today. This was my idea. He tried to stop me."
Teagan grabs Penny's arm to stop her close to her car. When Penny turns to face Teagan, she's braced for an angry attack. She's blown away when Teagan steps forward and hugs her tightly, whispering, "Thank you Penny."
When they part Penny whispers, "You're not mad at me?"
Teagan shakes her head. "Not...anymore. I was when Kevin first pulled into the parking lot." She stops talking and thinks a minute before saying, "No, I wasn't angry. I was...afraid. I felt like I was going to throw up."
Penny nods. "And now?"
Teagan sighs. "I'm still afraid. Afraid of what Kevin's fans will think of me. Of what life without teaching means."
Penny whispers, "Teagan, you CAN teach."
Teagan shakes her head. "Not now. I'm...not ready. I may never be ready. I can accept that my life has been changed. I...have to start over and find my way. And I can do that with Kevin. But teaching...I don't know."
Penny nods. "Come on, let's head back to the office and talk this through. You sound like you've got this all figured out."
After they get in the car, Teagan says, "No, I don't have anything figured out. I just know that right now, I can't teach. And right now, I need to be with Kevin. I kept making it so complex because I didn't think about what I need. I was thinking about what would be best for him and his career."
Penny starts the car. "Don't lie to me Teagan. You're still thinking more about his career than yourself. Do plan on hiding from the world and the fans?"
Teagan sighs shakily. "I...yes. I don't know. Maybe."
Penny drives confidently through the streets. Silence reigns in the car, but Teagan knows it's only a temporary lull in the coming storm. She closes her eyes and clenches her fists in her lap. The rest of this session is going to be as brutal as walking into the school was.
When they reach the office, Teagan takes her usual seat and waits. Penny sits at her desk and looks at her patient...waiting. Finally Teagan sighs. "Why is it so bad to just lay low?"
Penny leans forward. "I didn't say it was bad. But Teagan, you expect Kevin to just let you hide forever. The whole point of our sessions is for you to accept what has happened. And to LIVE your life. Not hide from it. I don't think you should go with Kevin. I don't think you're ready."
Teagan shakes her head. "No...I'm not staying behind. I won't."
Penny stands. "So you're willing to go with him and stay hidden. Aren't you proud of Kevin? Of his accomplishments?"
Teagan answers quickly. "Of course I am."
Penny turns and asks pointedly. "Aren't you proud to be his girlfriend?"
Teagan jumps up and angrily mutters, “Yes I am! How dare you ask me that!”
Penny shrugs. “Well you’re the one that said you wanted to hide. If you’re proud to be his girl and you’re proud he’s your guy, why are you going on tour to hide?”
Walking to the window, Teagan looks out. “I’m…Penny, what do you want me to say? I’m ready to go out and stand on a stage and proclaim he’s mine? I…I don’t think I can do that. You weren’t on the cruise. You didn’t hear what they said.”
Penny sits back and crosses her arms. “Come and sit Teagan. Let’s talk about the cruise.” Teagan moves back to her chair and sits down, looking at the floor. Penny leans closer. “Teagan, talk to me.”
With her lip quivering, Teagan whispers, “They confirmed my deepest fears. To them I was hideous. A freak. Monster. You name it, they said it. That cruise was four of the worst days of my life.”
Moving around the desk to sit beside her, Penny hands her a tissue and asks softly, “What about Kevin?”
Teagan smiles a tiny smile, remembering their night on the serenity deck. “Well, maybe it wasn’t all bad…but most of it…” She looks up at Penny. “I wanted to die Penny. I really wanted to die until…”
Penny smiles, patting her arm. “Teagan, I don’t think you ever REALLY wanted to die. I think you just wanted to disappear and you can’t do that. I’ve spent a lot of time with you over the last week. What I’ve seen is your fear. I’ve never thought you were suicidal, even when you told me you had suicidal thoughts.”
Teagan shrugs. “It felt like I wanted to die. It’s…I’m glad to know you think I wouldn’t have done it.” Sighing deeply she whispers, “I did want to disappear. In a way I still do.” Looking at Penny again she says, “Will I ever just forget about the scars and be a normal person?”
Penny smiles widely. “Of course you will. Teagan it’s only been a few months since you were shot. It takes time to heal. A lot of time and a lot of crying. You had a good day today. But you’re going to have bad ones too. You just have to remember you have a lot of shoulders to cry on. Don’t bottle it up. It eats away at your soul.”
Suddenly someone knocks on the door. Penny checks her watch. “Teagan, that’s Kevin. Can he come in?”
Teagan nods eagerly, brushing the tears from her eyes. “Of course.”
Penny eyes her critically. “Are you sure? Because we’re going to talk about the fans and the cruise.”
Teagan chews on her lip for a minute. “Do we have to talk about it with Kevin?”
Penny frowns. “Teagan, you love him and he loves you. You can’t just avoid the fans indefinitely. If that’s your plan, I think you need to stay home and let Kevin tour alone.”
Teagan’s eyes widen. She glances at the door before turning back to Penny. “I…I don’t know. Penny I want to go with him. I do. More than anything.”
Penny nods and stands. “Good. Then we need to make a plan for you to be around the fans and not let what they say get to you. After all, Kevin wants you in his life. His career will someday end and when it does, he wants to come home to you. That’s what you have to focus on.”
Teagan reaches out and grabs Penny’s hand before she can move to open the door. “Penny…I…what if I can’t do it?”
Penny kneels in front of Teagan and whispers, “Teagan you have GOT to have faith in yourself and Kevin. If you don’t...if you don’t your relationship with Kevin will never last.”
Teagan sniffles. “Oh Penny I love him so! I don’t want to lose him!”
Penny smiles. “Then have faith in his love and you’ll be just fine.”
Teagan turns away to wipe her eyes as Penny answers the door. She knows Penny is right. She knows she can’t hide from the fans forever. When Kevin comes in and leans down to kiss her cheek, she smiles at him through her misty eyes. He cups her cheek, looking at her worriedly. She presses her face to his hand and murmurs, “I’m ok. Let’s…let’s talk.”
Chapter End Notes:
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