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Why Are We Still Friends

By: Rachel

Copyright 2014

 

Chapter 42

 

My gut instinct about my mom was correct. A few days later, she called to talk about it. Fortunately I was busy with work and school, so we weren’t able to meet until today. Mom was sitting in the living room, while I was taking my time making tea.

I brought out two steaming cups of tea and placed them on the coffee table. I got comfortable on the couch. Neither of us spoke. I didn’t know what to say. My mom seemed uncertain about bringing the subject of the baby up. I decided to take the leap and get the conversation started. “Do you think I’ll make as good a mom as you?”

“Sweetheart, you’re going to be a wonderful mom.” She sipped her tea. “I don’t know why you doubt yourself. You have always had a way with children.”

I sighed at my mother’s comment. Why was everything so complex? I thought having a baby would make things easier, maybe even happier. I was dead wrong.

“Alexia, what’s wrong? I’ve never seen you this despondent since your goldfish died in first grade.”

“It’s nothing. Just stressed with work and school.” I lied. There was no way I could tell my mom the truth. I wasn’t sure what the truth was anymore.

“How are things with Brian? You’ve been pretty hush hush about it.” Mom asked curiously.

I bit my lip, trying to figure out how to put the words together.  “Things are okay…I mean good.”  I said quickly. My mother stared at me in disbelief.

“In all your years, Alexia, I have never seen you like this. Where is my daughter?” Denise asked sharply.

I knew what she was getting at. No one had to tell me I changed. The last few months had me questioning myself daily. I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to admit that I somehow royally fucked up so much of my life. It didn’t help that I wasn’t sure how to fix it either.

“I’m still here.” I replied stubbornly.

Mom banged her cup on the end table. “Sweetheart, you don’t seem happy.  It shows on your face and in your actions. You’re just going through the motions.”

It hurt hearing her say that. Could I deny it? No. My mom was right. I was going through the motions. 

“Mom, why is life so complicated?” I questioned, not expecting an answer.

“I don’t think you’re talking about life. This has everything to do with Brian.” Mom didn’t mince words. I was taken aback by her bluntness. “Don’t look at me like that Alexia.”

I attempted to get comfortable, but I was starting to feel sick. This time is wasn’t morning sickness. “I thought you liked Brian.” I said quietly.

“I love Brian like a son. He’s just not the right man for you.” Mom said softly.

Anger bubbled up inside me. My own mother was against my relationship. No matter what I did in my personal life, someone didn’t like it. I had Bella who thought I wasn’t devoted to my boyfriend. Now my mother thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

“I finally found someone who actually loves me as much as I love them. We’re having a baby together. It’s a fine time now to tell me how you really feel.” I raised my voice, letting my anger out.

“I haven’t seen much of you since the two of you got together. You’ve kept to yourself for the last few months. That’s not like you.”

“God forbid, I have a life for once. I’m not sitting home waiting for you to call me. Do you think I like the pity calls I would get from you every Saturday night? For once someone actually loves and cares about me.” I bit my lip to hold back the tears.

“Because he’s not the right man for you.” Mom pressed on. “Lexi, I don’t want you to settle because you are lonely.”

I took a deep breath. “You act like Brian is some kind of monster. How dare you?”

“I’m not going to lie. Brian is one of the nicest guys I know. That doesn’t mean he’s right for you. You’re not yourself when you’re around him.” Mom looked as discouraged as I felt.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said defensively. I stood up and walked over to the window. It was dark and the wind was blowing. A storm was brewing outside and within me.

“Look at me Alexia Lillian.” She waited for me turn around. “Honey, when you first started dating, you were happy. Then when you fainted at work, it all seemed to change. Your eyes say it all. You don’t look at Brian the same way you did in the beginning.”

My eyes were closed, holding back tears. Did everyone see what my mom saw? Why didn’t anyone confront me? I opened my eyes. The look on my mom’s face was one of love. I took a seat next to her. She hugged me like all moms do, but I didn’t feel any better. In fact, it made me feel worse.

“Not everything is as perfect as it seems. I love Brian, but he lied to me. How do you lie about your own child? How do you lie to the person you love? I just don’t understand.” I admitted some of fears.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with deceit. A man that truly loves you won’t lie to you.”

“But if you truly love someone don’t you try to overcome it?” I started defending Brian again. “He’s not the only person who’s hurt me. Nick has done it, too.”

“You were able to fix it with Nick. Why not with Brian?” Mom questioned.

“Nick is Nick. We always get mad at each other. Then we make up.  Things have always been easy with Nick.” I said lightly.

“You and Nick have a special bond. From the first time you met there was something special between the two of you.” She smiled at me.

“He’s my best friend.” I said nonchalantly. There was no reason to bring up my feelings for him. It only deepened the guilt I was feeling. My emotions were getting the best of me, especially after what happened with Nick in the bathroom.

“It’s more than that. You and Nick fit. I’ve always seen the two of you as a couple.” Mom gave me a sheepish grin.

I couldn’t believe she was saying this. Now wasn’t the time. I was with Brian. I loved Brian. He was the father of my child. Nick didn’t fit into the equation. He couldn’t be part of it. Brian and I were meant to be together. It’s how things had to be. I had to do the right thing.

“Mom, I’m not feeling so hot.” I said abruptly. “Maybe I should go rest.”

She gave me the mom look. “Are you sure this isn’t about Brian and Nick?  I’m going to be honest with you. Brian does not make you happy. He’s taking the life out of you.”

This time I can’t hold back the tears. “But he’s the father of my baby.”

“You just proved my point, Alexia.” Mom said softly.  “I love you and want you to be happy. You owe it to yourself to be loved by a man that loves you with everything he is.”

“MOM, JUST STOP!!! YOU NEED TO GO.” My voice rose.

“Lexi, I’m not doing this to hurt you. Just remember this if you can love the wrong person that much; just imagine how much you can love the right one.” She gave me a quick hug and left.

I fell onto the couch, as the tears clouded my judgment. What was I going to do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:
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