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Chapter Thirteen


Kevin

The next morning, Caroline really wasn’t there. Her orange Kia Soul was missing from the driveway when Nick and I carried the duffel bags out to the rental car a little after nine in the morning. We had a couple hours to drive back to Louisville and catch the flight, and I dawdled as long as possible, hoping Caroline would come home so we could say goodbye, but finally we had no choice but to go. I started to leave a note on the counter, but at the last minute I decided against it. It was too much like the last time I’d left this place if I did.

We got into the car and Nick buckled himself in, staring out the window as I backed down the driveway. His eyes were lingering on the barn. I had a feeling he might’ve liked the horses more than he was willing to admit, once he’d got to know them a little bit. My stomach ached as I drove away, the house getting smaller in the rearview mirror until we turned a bend and it was gone. And then the sign did the same, disappearing among the trees as the car began the winding descent to the bottom of the hill.

We stopped by quickly to see my mother and tell her we were headed out. She was upset we weren’t staying longer and she’d only gotten to see us the two times, but as I handed her the keys to the cabin, I promised her I’d be back to visit again soon. “You ought to look into maybe hiring a second hand up there, too,” I suggested. “I think Caroline’s lonely, whether she wants to admit it or not.”

We drove through the center, and Nick watched as Honchell’s went by and the greasy spoons and we came to the edge of town. I saw the bridge that crossed over the Kentucky River and something tugged at me.

“Wait a second,” I said. And I pulled up to the side of the road. “I gotta check somethin’ real fast.”

“Okay,” Nick said.

I left the keys in the ignition and got out and jogged down a slippery little path down the banking of the river and under the bridge. The river was low, unusual for this time of year, leaving a pretty good banking under there. I made my way under the bridge and looked up at the spot that Caroline and I had started to graffiti. There it was, the heart and the first two letters of my name. We’d intended to write Kevin loves Caroline there. I patted my pockets, as though I expected a can of spray paint or a sharpie to appear, but I didn’t have either on me, of course. I would’ve liked to have finally finished our illegal artwork. If for nothing else than to send Caroline the message that what we’d once had would always be special to me.

Always.

I put my hand on the graffiti and took a deep breath.

It meant something that it was still there, after all these years, that nobody from the city had come down here and cleaned it off or painted over it, or the weather and rising waters in the river hadn’t eroded it away. It meant something that it meant something to me that it was still here, too, but I didn’t know what any of it meant.

I wished I knew. I wished the universe could shout it out to me. It’d make things easier.

I walked back up to the car and got back in. Nick looked over at me with one eyebrow raised. He’d put on his headphones, one ear covered by the set, the other tucked behind so he could hear. “You hadda check somethin’ under a bridge?”

“Yeah. It’s a long story.”

I felt like the graffiti Caroline and I had made together was private, our own little mark on the world, so I didn’t want to tell him about it.

And even if the graffiti wasn’t private, the feelings I was having about it… about Caroline… definitely were.

Luckily, he didn’t ask any further questions.

The drive back to Louisville was quiet. I didn’t feel like listening to music, and Nick had his one headphone on, and we didn’t talk much. I felt bad that we’d left without getting to say goodbye to Caroline, but there wasn’t anything to be done. She just hadn’t been there.

In Louisville, we turned in the rental and shouldered our duffel bags and checked in for our flight. I walked slowly through the airport as we headed toward security, some crazy part of me thinking maybe Caroline would show up, though why I didn’t know. She had no reason to, I just felt like things were being left incomplete. We went through the security checkpoints and made our way to our flight terminal. Nick got himself a Starbucks, making a big production of having missed coffee for the last few days, and we settled down to wait for the flight. I leaned back in my seat and had almost fallen asleep when we were called to board. “Time to go,” Nick mumbled, elbowing me.

I fell asleep on the flight home and I dreamed of long rides across state lines, singing country songs on the radio, and the feeling of Caroline’s head resting on my shoulder, sound asleep as I drove and drove, planning the day I’d get away from those simple times and simple places…




Lauren was waiting at the Los Angeles airport.

She was looking expectantly up our way, standing by the baggage claim. A smattering of photographers hovered a few feet away, pretending to be interested in a kiosk of brochures for local attractions. As we came down the escalator from the terminals, she came into view, and Nick pushed his way the rest of the way down, snaking between other passengers, his arms flung out like a little kid as he ran across the lobby to her. He slammed into her so hard she stumbled several feet back; the fact that he’d wrapped his arms around her tightly was probably the only thing that kept her from falling over from the impact.

The moment he’d run into the scene, the photographers had given up their idle browsing and started snapping pictures.

Nick didn’t seem to notice or care that they were photographing them. Although I’m pretty sure I saw Lauren flip them the bird behind his back.

I collected both our bags from the carousel before going over to them. Lauren eyed me. “So you’re the one that helped him do this,” she said in a stern voice.

“He was clutching his arm and asking what cardiac arrest felt like,” I said in my defense. “Granted, it was the wrong arm, but still.”

Lauren looked at Nick, “You didn’t even grab the right arm?”

“Yeah, no, I did, I grabbed the right arm!” Nick said. And he put his hand on his right arm, demonstrating.

“No, Nick --” Lauren sighed. “You’re so pretty sweetie.” She kissed his cheek, then looked back to me. “Thank you for taking care of him.”

“I’m sorry I helped him go,” I said. “I should’ve made him stay.”

Lauren shook her head, “Everything happens for a reason,” she answered, “I’m just glad he’s home now.”

I felt like we were talking about a lost puppy.

The paparazzi followed us all across the airport and out into the lot, where we all piled into Lauren’s car. Nick squeezed her hand in the front as she drove to lose the paparazzi, circling the airport roadways twice before shooting out to the highway and weaving her way through traffic, headed for mine and Kristin’s house. She shook the photographers like they were nothing and Nick relaxed in his seat, his head turned, just staring at her. I definitely felt like an extra wheel or something, sitting in the back, picking at the strap on my duffel bag, worrying about what I would be arriving home to.

When Lauren pulled into my driveway a few minutes later, I leaned down to look at the house. It sat quietly there, like there’d never been a fight before within it’s walls. I slid the strap of my duffel over my head and leaned forward, putting a hand on each of Nick and Lauren’s shoulders. “You two are gonna be okay,” I said. “I believe in y’all.” I squeezed. “Be good.”

“Good? Kevin, please,” Nick said, winking.

I slid out of the back seat and walked up the driveway, waving to them as they backed out. Nick was grinning, Lauren talking, and as the car pulled out onto the street, Nick gave me a thumbs up and then they were gone.

I took a deep breath and turned toward my house.

As I made my way up the walkway, I wondered what would be my next step. Just unlock the door and go in, ring the bell? I wasn’t sure. So when I got to the step I stood there awkwardly for a moment, feeling like a stranger on my own stoop. I was scared to make my presence known.

If only I’d been more honest with Nick, I’d have called him to come back and pick me up again…

The truth was, the night before I hadn’t even gotten to talk to Kristin.

The truth was, things were worse than I’d ever expected them to be because Kristin had changed her phone number.

The voice who had answered my call the night before had not been hers, and Nick had left the room before he’d had time to hear that part of the conversation.

I’d only flown home because something deep inside me knew that Nick wouldn’t go home unless I did, and he needed to go home to Lauren, that was where he belonged. And also, staying in Irvine, alone with Caroline, was not an option for me because everyday there I could feel something inside me kindling for Caroline again. It’d been raging, tempting me from the deepest places in me ever since she’d said she was ready to move on. Ever since she’d laughed and sang along with the radio.

Play it again, play it again, play it again.

And even though I’d denied it, even though I’d shut it down, there’d been a moment, laying on the blanket under the stars, before we fell asleep, when she’d been talking about her studies and the program she wanted to start with the horses, that I’d wanted more than anything to lean over and press my mouth to hers. I’d wondered if she still tasted like strawberry Lip Smackers and Bubblelicious. She still smelled like Love’s Baby Soft.

Yeah, things with Caroline had been about to get real dangerous if I’d stayed much longer.

I owed it to the past twenty years with Kristin to try.

I was nothin’ if I wasn’t a faithful man. And if I’d stayed in Irvine, if I’d had another night like the other night with Caroline Watson, then… well, I’d have been nothin’ because my faithfulness would’ve slipped.

Like an avalanche.

So long story short, Kristin had no idea I was here.

And I had no idea what to expect.

I wanted to run away, but I had no place to run to, so I took a deep breath and was just about to press the bell button when the door opened and Mason came out, quickly attaching himself to my waist with a bleat of excitement. “Dad! Dad! You’re home!” he shouted, his arms wrapping quickly around my waist.

“Hey, Mason,” I said, “Yeah I am.” I ran my hands through his hair as he hugged me tight, his face pressed to my stomach as he squeezed me, his little fists digging into my back. “I missed you buddy,” I said thickly.

Then Kristin came around the corner, carrying Max on her hip. He was chewing his hand and had slobbery spit all over his chin, but she looked gorgeous. I mean she had no make up, her hair was a little messy, she was wearing a sweater and jeans that she’d obviously been wearing for playtime, there were traces of paints and Cheetos dust on her, but she was perfect. I felt frozen, like I didn’t dare to move, like I might scare her off.

“Hey,” she said, slowly… surprised.

“Hey,” I said, slowly… hopeful.

Max reached out his chubby arms, leaning out from her torso, trying to get to me.

I held my arms out for him.

She stepped hesitantly forward, leaning toward me to deposit my son into my arms. Kristin’s touch was warm and soft, and I inhaled, trying to catch her scent, but she didn’t come close enough for me to smell her hair or anything. I squeezed Max close as Mason let go of my waist and I breathed in his baby smell and my heart melted. This was where I was supposed to be, with my kids and my wife in my house. I held Max tight until he started squirming and pushed away from my chest with his palms, kicking his legs to get down. The two boys ran off the minute I put Max down, Mason excitedly leading the way. I turned to Kristin, and we were alone for the first time in months.

We stared at each other, her eyes so beautiful brown. “Kris,” I said, “I’m sorry.”

There was a plethora of responses she could’ve had.

It’s okay.

I’m sorry, too.

I forgive you.

I’m glad you’re home.

I missed you.

And a million combinations of those words.

“Kevin,” she said, and I waited, wondering which one of the phrases she was going to go with. She bit her lower lip, considering her words. I imagined that she was constructing them, manufacturing the perfect response. She sighed, looked down, like she was refreshing herself, then looked up. “What are you doing here?”

The muscles in my hands tightened, quivering with restraining my disappointment. My heart slouched. I cleared my throat, “I’m home,” I answered.

She glanced in the direction of the living room, where the boys were probably playing, and she stepped out onto the stoop, forcing me to back up, pulling the door to an almost close behind her. “This is not at all appropriate.”

“To come home to my wife and kids?” I asked.

She stared at me, her eyes were not warm like they usually were, like I’d perceived them to be just a few moments before. “You can’t just show up here, unannounced and --”

“You changed your phone number, how the fuck was I supposed to be announced?” I demanded, interrupting, but she never stopped to hear my words.

“-- get the kids all excited, make them think you’re home to stay. Do you know how long it’s taken me to get Mason to go to sleep without you singing to him? He knows you aren’t on tour, he knows something’s going on, and I’ve spent the last several weeks trying to make him understand what’s going on. You can’t just walk in here and get them going like this. It upsets them. It’s not fair.” Kristin glowered at me.

I shook my head, “What’s not fair is you not talking to me about what’s happened between us,” I responded.

“You don’t get to treat me like a broken toy for a year and then walk in here and expect things to be fine between us,” Kristin said firmly.

“I’m not expecting things to be fine between us,” I said, “I’m expecting us to work for what we had. We made vows to each other, Kris, remember those?”

“Yeah I do,” she hissed, “They’re the same ones in which you promised to stand by me in sickness or in health and then you abandoned me when I was sick. You made me feel worthless.”

I felt like I’d been slapped. “I didn’t abandon you,” I snapped, “I had to work.”

“You chose to work,” she retorted. “You chose to go back.”

“I’d always planned to go back, you know that, as soon as Mason was older and the contract with Jive was up. You knew I planned to go back.”

“We had just had a baby and you left on tour.”

“The tour was scheduled way before you told me you were pregnant.”

“I’m sorry. Nine months isn’t long enough to reschedule some stupid tour dates?”

“You know it isn’t as easy as all of that. And besides, it’s not up to me, it’s up to management.”

Kristin shook her head.

“Kris, this is… this is old shit, and it’s not worth fighting over anymore, I said I’m sorry, can’t we please, please just… move on… focus on the future, on fixing this between us?” I begged.

“It hurt me Kevin, it hurt me that you didn’t stay by me when I was depressed, when I couldn’t move. Every muscle in my body hurt, I felt heavy like a soggy old towel and you left me. You promised me once that you’d never, ever leave me when I needed you, but I guess there was an asterisk there that said unless there’s a fucking tour date.”

“That isn’t true.”

“It is true, it is.”

“You make it sound like I walked out without trying to help --”

“Calling my mother doesn’t count,” Kristin snapped. “She judged me the entire time she was here, like I was a bad mother and such a disappointment to her. That was such a huge boost for my already broken down self esteem.”

“Well what’d you want me to do? Cancel the contract with management, lose literally hundreds of thousands of dollars on cancelled tour dates, and end up sitting around the house, listening to you bitch about not wanting to get up to change a diaper?” All the anger of the last twelve months came rushing to the forefront, my stomach turning with resentment.

Kristin’s hand swept across my face so fast and harsh that I didn’t even see it coming.

We both stood there, stunned, staring at each other in surprise. Neither knew what to say to the other in the wake of it, and the sound of her hand on my skin seemed to echo in the gap of space between us.

Mason pulled the door open. My heart raced with fear he might’ve seen her hit me, that he might’ve heard it. But his eyes were too excited, too hopeful, and I knew he hadn’t. “Are you guys comin’ inside?” he asked. “I wanna show daddy my t-rex transformer.” He leaned against the doorframe, his little cheek smooshed against the wood.

“Daddy can’t play right now,” Kris said, turning around and shooing Mason back in the doorway, “I’m sure he has a tour date or something he’s got to get to.” She stepped inside and stared back at me, starting to close the door.

“Kris,” I said, “Please, c’mon, how do I fix --” But the door shut before I could finished. “-- this?”

I stood there on the step, feeling pretty numb. I bit my lip. I literally didn’t know what to do. I turned around and started walking. I shoved my hands into my pockets, my duffel bag hanging off my shoulder, my mind going a hundred thousand places at once. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, repairing this mess we’d made, but at the same time I didn’t think it’d be impossible. Had we really said and done so many stupid little things that added up to not being able to fix a twenty-year-old relationship? Had it really come down to this? To her refusing to let me into my own home? Changing her phone number on me, so I didn’t even know how to get in touch?

I ended up at a hotel again. I got myself a room and climbed the stairs instead of taking the elevator up to the third floor. I threw myself onto the mattress, not even bothering to change or turn on a light or anything.

I was literally right back where I started.




I woke up an untold number of hours later, my phone vibrating in my pocket. I felt disoriented and confused for a second, staring into blank darkness. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and the light glowed at me, Nick’s face grinning up at me from the screen. The pieces started falling back into place in my mind. Nick and Caroline and Kristin and the hotel and everything. I sighed and dropped my phone onto the nightstand without answering it.

I wrapped my fingers around the pillow and pulled it over my face, blocking out the light and noise from the phone.

I didn’t even know what to say to Nick right now. He’d no doubt be asking how it had gone with Kristin, and I didn’t have the energy to pretend everything was okay. I hadn’t even finished processing what had actually happened yet for myself, not to mention explaining it to Nick.

It was too much.