Panic.
It had settled so deep in my throat it was choking me from the inside. I had never wanted to run away from anyone so bad. Normally I was the type of person that went after confrontation, that took it head on. These girls, with their expectations and the pedestal that I was precariously teetering on was enough to leave me feeling exposed and vulnerable. Instead, I did the only thing I could think to do as an alternative to a mad dash back to our dressing room - I laughed. Nerves spilled out of my mouth by way of a loud, awkward laugh.
"You're hilarious," I told her. "I know its tough to stop coming to soundcheck party every time, but I don't think you really want to break up with us! Who else has a question?"
Although I might be able to fool the majority of the crowd in front of me, I owed a serious explanation to four people (if not a few more) who were not convinced by my ramblings. She was ushered away with the rest of her group while we went back to get ready for a photo op with the rest of the girls. We kept it together as we stood taking photos but were alone with each other backstage for less than sixty seconds when the questioning began.
"What the hell was that?" AJ asked in a stage whisper.
I sighed, "It's kind of a long story."
"So long that you couldn't have told us before? What was she talking about?"
"Please tell me she was just joking," Brian contributed to the inquisition.
"I really wish I could."
"You're married to her? Since when? How could none of us know about this?" my tattooed friend was back in line for questioning and I let out a heavy breath, pressing both hands into the top of my head. I knew they were going to judge me but I had been backed into a corner thanks to her and had no choice but to risk it.
"That's a good point," Howie jumped in. "How is it possible that wouldn't end up in a tabloid the second it happened?"
"We weren't that type of tabloid fodder at the time," I shrugged.
The confused looks on their faces weren't surprising. It was hard to remember a time when something like me getting married wouldn't have been splashed all over magazines and entertainment news shows. I was, after all, a notorious bachelor.
There was only one figure in the room that didn't share that look. From an armchair in the corner, Kevin simply looked disappointed. Not because my words were such a revelation but rather because he was quite aware of my situation and under the impression it was something I had dealt with years ago. He was making no move to speak on my behalf, leaving it up to me to throw myself on the fire.
"When you were what, ten?" AJ questioned sarcastically.
"Sixteen, actually."
A collective gasp rang out and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide forever. We had been at the cusp of popularity at the time, more likely to be found in European teen magazines than American gossip rags and no one would have expected Baby Backstreet to take a walk down the aisle when I hadn't even sprouted my first chest hair yet. To be honest, there were no aisles involved, just an office at city hall and a few signed pieces of paper.
Howie's pained expression was the hardest for me to handle. I had been through a lot in the last ten years of my life and he had held my hand through all of the ups and downs, giving me a shoulder to lean on when I needed help taking another step in a positive direction. I knew that keeping such a secret through all of that, from someone who was supposed to be my best friend, was going to feel like a swift kick in the nut-sack. I told him about every illicit drug I'd abused and the accompanying embarrassing public displays but not this. This was too personal, too shameful.
"I’m really hurt, Nick. Please explain how you have been married for more than half of your life and we are just finding out about this now," Brian requested, his voice low and full of the judgement I had feared. He was mad, but I didn't blame him.
"Kevin knew!" I exclaimed, pointing to the silent party in the corner.
"Don't you dare bring me into this," my eldest ‘brother’ warned sternly. "Take responsibility for your actions for once in your life. We aren't here just to clean up your messes and make excuses for you. It's time to tell the truth, Nick."
"Always gotta be right," I muttered, head down and hands anxiously crossed across my body.
"Start from the beginning," Howie encouraged, babying me as per usual. "What would have possessed you to get married that young in the first place?"
That I could answer. "Our parents, mostly hers, mine just went along with it, they told us we had to."
"Let me guess," said AJ. "This wedding was of the shotgun variety?"
I nodded my head, ashamed. More surprised expressions followed and I knew I needed to further explain before things were taken out of context. "It's not what you think," I tried to explain. No doubt they had visions of a child, a senior in high school by now, hidden away from the world by their elitist pop star father, never to be seen in public life. Right before their eyes I was surely transitioning from friend and bandmate to monstrous deadbeat dad.
"What is it then?"
I looked to Kevin for help but none was given. I didn't want to talk about this. I didn't want to relive this again. I didn't want a reminder of the type of person I really am. They would never forgive me. They, like me, would never forget.
"It’s complicated," a voice that was not my own cut through the silence of the room and I looked up to see her standing in the doorway casually.
"What the hell are you doing back here?" I asked, looking around her for the culprit that had placed their All Access pass around her neck.
"Saving your ass, as usual," she rolled her eyes, moving to toss her purse down on the couch in front of me. "Mike said Kevin texted him and asked that I come back. So here I am. All it took was me making an ass out of you in public for you to pay attention, I guess."
I sent a glare in Kevin's direction, silently calling him out as a traitor. Before I could address the distraction in the room and resume my explanation, she picked the story back up, this time going all the way back to the very beginning. Her version of the story began in a Florida retirement home when eight-year-old Nick Carter met Marki Watson for the very first time but I knew her version would be missing key elements of my side of the story that everyone needed to hear.
“Wait,” I interrupted and Marki raised a curious eyebrow in my direction. “I should tell the story. There’s so much that even you don’t know.”
I took a deep breath and started at the beginning.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I decided to post a second chapter since it's all part of the set up to the rest. I'll probably post the next chapter on Monday :) Thanks for reading!
