Project: nkotBSB

By Dottie

Copyright 2012

Chapter 13

Jessi

OK, so I faked it. Once Nick thought I was asleep, he left.  Hanna is sitting by the window and nearly screams when I sit up.  She runs to me. “What’s wrong? Do you need the doctor again?”

I shake my head, grimacing in pain. “No, Hanna Jo.  I’m fine. I just…Nick had to leave and him thinking I was sleeping was the only way to get him out of here.”

She looks puzzled. “Leave? Why didn’t you want him to stay?”

I sigh and hug my knees.  “It’s moving too fast, Hanna Jo.  I’m barely friends with him.  He knows nothing about me.  For years, all I’ve wanted was to fuck his brains out. Now…dammit Hanna I don’t want to get serious, ok?”

Her mouth drops. “Jessi, don’t you like him?”

I sigh. “Of course I do.  But let’s face it, Hanna.  I’m not the kind of girl to fit into his life.  This was supposed to be a fun trip of following them around Europe and hopefully doing some mattress dancing.  I’m not here to fall in love.”

She eyes me curiously. “What’s wrong with falling in love?”

I shake my head and regret it. “It’s not for me, ok?”  After a minute of silence, I say, “I think I need to clear the air with Donnie.”

She sputters and stands to pace. “WHY?  Jessi, he bullied you till you ran…”

I hold up my hand. “No, he didn’t. I ran because I didn’t want to admit to him that I threw myself at him and he…we…oh you know what I mean!  It’s embarrassing to admit I couldn’t seduce him.  I blamed him and hated him when it was all on me.”

She sits back down with me and says, “No, Jessi. You were young.  And a virgin. It wasn’t your fault.”

I sigh. “But I still think I should talk to him. Do you have his number?”

She nods slowly.  “He gave it to me when he left the hospital. He was afraid Nick wouldn’t.”

I squeeze her hand. “Call him and ask him to meet me somewhere.”

She shakes her head. “NO! If you want to talk to him, he can come here. AJ asked me to dinner anyway.”

An hour later, Donnie knocks on the door.  AJ picked up Hanna Jo about twenty minutes ago. She said she’d hurry, but I made her promise to enjoy her night with AJ and not worry about me.  I’m a big girl.

When I let Donnie in, I see guilt in his eyes.  I curl up on the bed and say, “Look, before you start saying you’re sorry, this wasn’t your fault.  I was stupid to run. So don’t feel guilty.”

He sighs and sits in the chair across the room. “But I am to blame, Jessi, I…”

I stop him. “Look, I didn’t run because you were asking. I ran because I didn’t want to admit to you what really happened.  I didn’t want to admit you weren’t…didn’t want me before.”

He leans forward, his elbows on his knees.  “Tell me what happened Jessi.”

I sigh and play with the quilt on the bed.  “I met you when I was 17.  You wrote to me and I wrote back.  When I turned 18 you sent for me.  You flew me to New York to meet you before a concert.  I thought we were going to have a serious relationship and I was excited.”

He lowers his head. “Yet when you got there, I blew you off?”

I shiver. “You remember?”

He nods. “Vaguely.  You were a virgin, weren’t you?”  When I nod, he says, “I was so afraid you wanted me to…umm…”

I shrug and finish his line with a blush. “You thought I wanted you to pop my cherry?”

He blushes worse than me. “I’m sorry I never should have put it like that.  I just…I’d never been with a virgin. I wanted to but…well, fuck! It’s a scary thing for a guy to think about.”

I manage a wry laugh. “Not easy for a girl either.  We get to FEEL the pain.”

He shudders.  “Does it really hurt?”

I laugh. “Mine wasn’t so bad.”  After an awkward silence, I admit quietly, “I always wanted you to be the first.”

He nods, avoiding my gaze. “I knew it then. But I just…Jessi, I’m sorry. I was an ass. No wonder you hate me.”

I sigh and stretch out on the bed, mindless that the shirt I’m wearing is riding up my thighs and giving him a show. “I don’t think I hate you Donnie. I don’t think I ever did.  I was…embarrassed that I threw myself at you and you didn’t want me. Looking back, I can see how it was impossible for us both.” Under my breath, I mutter, “It’s really not all about you.”

I see him lick his lips and realize he’s staring at a good portion of my thighs and getting a glimpse of my ass.  I sit up quickly, trying to cover myself. He clears his throat and whispers, “You’re a gorgeous woman Jessi.  If…”

I shake my head. “No, Donnie, not now.  Maybe not ever.  But, I…I’m sorry for how I acted. Blaming you was childish. I hope you can forgive me for what I said.”

He stands and moves closer to the bed. Sitting by me he reaches out and pushes my hair back from my face.  “Can we start again?”

I shrug, biting my lip. “I don’t know.”

He leans forward and kisses me gently. “Get some sleep. I’m glad you told me.”

I nod as he stands to leave. “Thanks for… hearing me out. I’m sorry for how I acted.”

He nods. “Don’t worry about it.  Just feel better.”

After he leaves, I grab my phone and stare at it.  I want to call Nick. But I meant what I said to Hanna Jo.  I didn’t come here for love and he’s getting way to serious too fast.  I throw my phone aside and stand to pace. 

After my third trip around the room, my phone starts ringing.  I grab it, praying its Hanna Jo. “Hello?”

I hear the worry in Nick’s voice. “Jessi? You ok? You sound upset?”

I sigh. “No.  I’m fine.”

He whispers, “I would have stayed if I knew you’d wake up so soon. I was just checking on you, but I don’t have Hanna Jo’s number.”

I flop on the bed, groaning when my head hits the pillow. “She’s out with AJ.”

He sounds concerned. “She left you alone?”

Letting my frustration take control I rant, “Of course I’m fine! It’s a bump on the head. Don’t worry about it.”

He sounds hesitant.  “Jessi, why are you mad? I’m just concerned.”

I sigh. “Look, I’m sorry.  I just…I’m ok. I don’t need Hanna Jo to babysit me. I’m a big girl.  So don’t worry.”

Now he sounds angry.  “So I’m not supposed to care, is that it?”

I want to scream.  “Nick, you don’t know me! How can you care, we just met! Please…I’ll see you later, I’m just gonna lay here like a good girl and rest so everyone will be happy. Good night.”

Before I hang up, he whispers, “I do care, Jessi. Good night.”

I throw my phone on the floor and turn on my stomach, pounding my fist into the mattress.  Why did this get so complicated?  I don’t want a fucking boyfriend. I just want to fuck him! Right??  RIGHT!