Project: nkotBSB

By Dottie

Copyright 2012

Chapter 15

Jessi

After we crawl into bed, I say, “Hanna Jo, is this trip turning out to be NOT what you expected?”

She sighs. “Jessi, I didn’t know what to expect. I knew I wouldn’t meet AJ and fall in bed with him. I knew THAT would take time. I just didn’t expect to feel what I feel.”

I finger the pillowcase under my head.  “What do you feel?”

She rolls onto her back.  “Brian kissed me and I felt like I was betraying AJ’s trust.  Yet he just calmly kissed my cheek and walked away, leaving me with another man.  Sort of speaks to his character, doesn’t it?”

My head aches, but I can’t stop asking her questions. “What if he thinks he’s moving too fast, Hanna Jo?  What if he’s trying to slow down cause he’s not sure how he feels?”

She sits up in bed. “Are you talking about AJ or yourself, Jessi?”

I sigh deeply.  “Hanna Jo, I don’t WANT to fall in love.  EVER!  I just want hot, steamy, random sex with Nick Carter.”

She lies back down and says, “But?”

I know I can trust Hanna Jo with my life.  “I get so tongue tied around him sometimes, I can’t speak.  When he’s just trying to be my friend, it’s great.  We talk and laugh.  But the minute his lips come towards mine, I turn into a 16 year old virgin afraid it’s gonna hurt.”

I know she’s blushing.  She stammers, “Well, umm, why do you, umm, think that happens?”

By now my head is throbbing like there’s no tomorrow.  “Look, Hanna, can we NOT talk about Nick and I for the foreseeable future?  Right now, I think I might skip opening night.”

She sits up again.  “JESSI!  Why?”

I sigh.  “My head hurts, I’m embarrassed that I made a fool of myself in front of Donnie, Nick and AJ, and I’m just not sure I can stand being close to Nick right now.”

She says, “Cover your eyes.”  I do and I hear the lamp click on.  I hear her rummaging around and another click, then she says, “Here, take this.”

I uncover and sit up cautiously. “What is it?”

She presses two pills into my hand and says, “Painkillers the doctor gave you. If you can’t go tomorrow night, we won’t go.  But you need to take these if you’re hurting that bad.”

I nod and sigh. “Thanks Ho Jo.”

In the dark I hear her chuckle. “We certainly are a pair, aren’t we?”

I hear voices. Who’s talking?  I try to force my eyes to open, but they won’t, so I listen.  “She’s…I guess she’s ok.  She’s pretty upset.”  It’s quiet for a minute.  “No, I don’t mind if you want to…”  I doze off again hoping whoever is talking will get some sleep.

When I wake up I feel hot.  I try to turn over, but I can’t. The wall is stopping me. Wall?  My bed isn’t next to the wall. I open my eyes. It’s barely daylight.  I see Hanna sleeping soundly in her bed.  I open my mouth to wake her, and then I realize there’s an arm around me.  A strong arm. 

I close my eyes and count to ten, hoping it’s a dream and it will go away.  When I open them again, nothing has changed. I look down, seeing a decidedly male arm wrapped around my waist.  The tattoos on the wrist tell me it’s Nick.  Why is he here?  In my bed? 

I have to admit, it feels good to be held like this.  I was too drunk to remember the first night.  Now I can just lay here and drink in every detail.  I gently ease back into him, trying not to awaken him. He nuzzles my hair and his arm tightens around me.  I feel tears sting my eyes.  I don’t want this.  Do I?

I watch the room brighten as I think about Nick and what’s happened between us.  He’s a great guy.  I think he’d make a great boyfriend, but I’m not girlfriend material.  I’m just a bed warmer.  It’s what I’ve always been.  I’ve never fallen in love and it scares me to think I’m having those kinds of feelings for Nick.  I don’t want to. 

I feel tears burn my eyes and I let them fall.  After all that’s happened I’m allowed to cry right?  Mama would say no.  She always told me I deserved what I got.  I’m a bad seed.  Even Hanna Jo doesn’t know the things that have happened to me.  If I told her, she’d swear off men permanently.

The attack yesterday…it wasn’t the first time.  My sophomore year in college, I got bombed at a frat party with some friends.  I woke up with one of the football players fucking my brains out.  I screamed and cried for him to get off me. I tried to push him away.  He just held my arms down and told me to shut the fuck up, it would be over soon.

When it was, I just ran, leaving him laughing behind me.  I reported it to the counselor at school.  She was…less than helpful considering I had a massive hangover.  She said I couldn’t accuse him of rape because I probably asked for it.  I ran from the school.  When I got home, Mama was so angry I left.  Her exact words were “That’s what you get for being a whore!”

Yes, my own mother called me a whore.  I had been with two guys at that point.  Once when I lost my virginity, the other with the football player.  And to this day, I’ve still only been with those two guys.  For all my big talk and hot, sexy dreams about Nick, I’m afraid. I’m so afraid.

By now, sobs are building inside me.  I can’t stop them.  When my body starts to shake, it wakes Nick.  He pulls me tightly against his body and whispers, “Shh, Jessi, its ok.  It’s just me, Sweetheart.  Please don’t cry.”

By now, Hanna Jo is waking up.  She watches as Nick rolls me onto my back and cradles me against his chest.  I’ve never felt tenderness like this.  I’ve never known a man who didn’t want to just get a piece of me and be done with it.  Nick kisses the top of my head and I cry harder.  I don’t deserve his gentleness. 

Hanna Jo says, “It must be the shock from yesterday. The doctor warned me it could manifest in a day or two.”

I try to push away from Nick, but I just don’t have the strength.  In all honesty, I don’t want to.  I want him to hold me tighter. He rubs my back and says, “Jessi, listen, you’re ok.  I’m here, Hanna’s here.  You’re safe. Calm down Baby, please!”

He holds me till I’m all sobbed out and I’m sniffling on his chest.  He keeps rubbing my back and he whispers, “Go back to sleep a while Jessi.  It’s still early.”

I push away slowly and sit up. “No, I’m ok.”  I look at Hanna Jo and say, “Why?”

She shrugs, knowing I’m asking why she let Nick in. “I felt it was the right thing to do, Jessi. I’m sorry if it wasn’t.”

She sits beside me and I hug her.  “It’s ok.”

Nick sits up and says, “What’s wrong?”

Without letting go of Hanna Jo, I say, “Nothing at all.”  Finally I lean back and turn to face Nick. “Why are you here?”

He sits up and says, “I was worried half out of my mind about you.  I couldn’t sleep and I was driving AJ crazy.  He finally told me to call and check on you.  Hanna said you were asleep, but I couldn’t…I had to be here for you.”

I reach out slowly and slide my fingers into his hand.  When he squeezes my hand and smiles at me, I almost start crying again.  I whisper, “Thank you.”

He puts his arm around me and hugs me, kissing the side of my head.  “Seriously, let’s all sleep. It’s still early. I don’t have to be back to our hotel till noon.”

Hanna Jo nods.  “Yeah, we can sleep at least three more hours.”  She moves back to her bed as Nick lays down, pulling me against his chest.

I snuggle against him, enjoying how warm he is. My fingers play with the top of his sweat pants.  I tilt my head back so I can whisper in his ear.  “Thank you for coming.”

He squeezes me and whispers back, “I wanted to be here for you Jessi. Now go to sleep.”

I giggle at his half-hearted command.  “Yes, Sir, Mr. Carter. Anything you say!”

He chuckles with me. “You’re amazing Jessi.  I’m glad to know you.”

I sigh and snuggle closer.  “I’m glad to know you too Nick.” 

When I wake up again, Nick is still holding me, but he’s awake and talking on his phone.  I hear the shower running and I glance at Hanna Jo’s bed, seeing it’s empty.  I tilt my head back and meet Nick’s gaze.  He smiles warmly at me and kisses my forehead before saying, “Yes, AJ, she’s fine.  I’m with her right now.”

I sigh and nuzzle Nick’s neck, loving how it feels to be wrapped in his arms.  When he gets ready to hang up with AJ, I say, “Can I talk to him a second?”

Nick looks at me puzzled and says, “Hang on Jessi wants to talk to you.”

He hands me the phone.  “You ok?”

I nod.  The phone is warm from being against his face.  I say, “Hey Alex.”

I can hear his smile.  “Hey Jessi, how you feeling?”

Nick lays his head against mine and I almost forget where I am.  “I feel a lot better. I was just wondering…” I take a deep breath and say, “What’s going on with you and Hanna Jo?”

I know he’s shocked.  “Umm, nothing.  We had a nice dinner.”

Ho Jo’s gonna kill me.  “She doesn’t want “nice”. Not from you. She likes you and she thought you like her.”

He sputters, “I DO LIKE HER!  I was afraid I was pushing.  She told me about her parents, how sheltered she was…”

I’d really like to punch her parents in the face right now.  “AJ, the last thing she needs is you treating her the way they did!”

He sighs.  “Is she mad at me?”

I want to laugh. “No, she’s not mad. She’s confused.”  Hoping to push him into action, I say, “Didn’t help any that Brian kissed her.”

I feel Nick laughing. I tilt my head back to look at him and he whispers, “You’re a BAD girl. I like that!”

I smile and listen to AJ rant.  “He did WHAT? Why did he do that?”

Smugly, I say, “Because you treated her like a sister, not a would-be lover. What you gonna do about it?”

He says, “I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do…I’m gonna…I’m gonna…”

I fight the urge to laugh and say, “When you see her, you’re gonna do what you SHOULD have done last night.  Right?”

He’s quiet for a few seconds before he says, “Right.  Thanks Jessi.”

I smile and lay my head on Nick’s shoulder.  “For what? We didn’t talk today, RIGHT?”

He laughs.  “Right.  See you this afternoon.”

After I hang up, Nick takes his phone and lays it on the nightstand.  “You’re something else, Lady, you know that?”

I shake my head and start to pull away.  “I don’t know.  I just want Hanna Jo to be happy.”

He holds me tight and forces me to look at him. “What about you, Jessi? Don’t you want to be happy?”

Being totally honest with him and myself, I whisper, “I don’t know if I can.”