Project: nkotBSB

By Rachel

Copyright 2013

Chapter 48

Hanna Jo

Once I hear Nick’s voice, I hightail it off the bus. Clearly Jessi is having issues, too.  They need to talk. It sucks that being in love is so complicated. Being single is so much easier, but I don’t think I’d go back to that loneliness ever again. Until our fight, I never realized the void AJ filled in my life. I don’t think I can live without him.

The concert was over a half hour ago. AJ will be returning to the bus any moment. I spent the last few hours sobering up from my drunken state. I am horrified at my actions. There is no way AJ is ever going to forgive me.

I am frozen from the cold shower I just took. I start to get dress, but I realize all my clothes are in my suitcase on Brian’s bus. I go through AJ’s clothes finding a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. Then I pour myself a cup of coffee to warm myself up.

AJ walks onto the bus. He glances at me and walks to the bedroom. He has every right to be mad at me. I feel like a whore for what I did. Kissing Brian was bad enough, but what I was doing with Donnie is a hundred times worse.

“I thought you were sleeping with Brian or would you rather fuck Donnie.” AJ remarks snidely as he sits down beside me.

I choose to ignore his comment. There’s nothing I can say to change things. “I borrowed some of your clothes, since mine are on Brian’s bus.” I say quietly.

“Hanna how could you? All your actions prove that you are using me.” He bangs a fist down on the table.

“I’m sorry Alex. I’m not trying to hurt you.” I attempt to look at him. His face is a mixture of anger and sadness. It stinks knowing I’m the one who is causing him to feel this way.

“Well it’s a little too late for that.” He sinks down in chair.

“What do you want me to say? I made a lot of mistakes today.” I pause trying to compose my thoughts. I can’t let my emotions get the best of me. “I understand if you can’t forgive me. If you want me to leave; I can be gone tomorrow.”

“Is that what you really want? Are you going to run every fucking time it gets hard?” He grabs his cigarettes and lights one.

AJ’s questioning has me thinking. It scares me that he knows me that well already. He’s found my weakness and we barely know each other. Am I that transparent? AJ calls me out on what no one else has ever done. I come to the realization that I have to be totally honest with AJ. I don’t want to lose him.

“Alex….it’s all I’ve known. Since I was old enough to run I did. I ran from my family when I couldn’t stand to live their lifestyle. What else do I know?” He stares at the wall instead of looking at me. “I know I’m not the type of woman you normally date. I get that.  I’m naïve about certain things, but I’m not stupid. I care about you more than I should and that scares me.”

AJ sits up and turns to face me. “Don’t you think it scares me, too? Every time you say you love me, I’m afraid.  I don’t get how you can love me unconditionally in such a short time.”

“Besides Jessi, you are the only person to love me for the person I am. My parents expected me to be a certain way. There was no way I could live up to their expectations. I left everything I ever knew to be me. There are days when I question if I made the right choice.” Tears start flowing down my face and I can barely get the words out. “Then I think about what my life would be like and I know I made the right decision. If you think I used you then you don’t know me as well I thought you did. It’s just as scary for me to realize that I love you the way that I do.”

Neither of us speaks for a while. I don’t know what to say to make AJ believe me. I try to get my emotions in control. I am stronger than this.

“Hanna Banana, don’t cry.” AJ says as he moves beside me. This only makes me cry harder. He wraps me up in his arms. I tremble at his touch. “It scares the fuck out of me that I love you as much as I do.”

I look up at AJ in surprise. “Did you say what I thought you did?”

“I love you Hanna Jo Rogers.” I stare at him. “Don’t look so shocked.” AJ starts to chuckle.

“I know you cared for me, but wow...I…oh my.” I squeak out.

AJ places a quick kiss to my nose. It’s such a simple kiss, but holds so much meaning. Then he wipes the tears off my cheeks. I wrap my arms around him and hug him with all my might.

“I want to apologize for being such a dick to you. I was worried about you and that turned into frustration. If anything would have happened to you, it would have broken my heart.”

“Alex, you know I would never use you. I’m sorry that my family planted that seed in your mind. I love you, Alexander James McLean for who you are, not what your job is. I don’t care that you’re famous or that you sing. It’s always been about who you are as a person and how you treat me.” I caress his face affectionately.

“I feel like a jackass.” He says with a slight smile.

We cuddle closer together. This feels right. I’m home when I with AJ. We are both silent just enjoying being together. I lay my head on his shoulder. In my heart I think that AJ and I will work out.

“Where do we go from here?” I ask softly, while playing with the bottom of his shirt.

“Well, I’d love to take you to the bedroom and make sweet love to you, Hanna.”

My heart quickens at the thought. I can feel desire coursing through my body. My mind tells me I’m not ready to make that move at the moment. I smile awkwardly as I look up at AJ.

“Did I mention how sexy you look wearing my clothes. It’s such a turn-on.” He growls deeply. Damn, I want him bad.

“Alex, as much as I want to make love…I…I…I think I need to step back on that part of our relationship.” He stares at me intently. I can’t read expression. I continue on. “I’m not saying never, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to just hop into bed after everything that’s happened. We’ve cleared the air, but there’s still so much we need to discuss.  It’s getting late. I know you’re tired, so tomorrow when our minds are fresh we can continue talking.”

“Han, there’s nothing that needs explaining. I was an ass. I’m sorry. Let’s just move on.” He stands up, pulling me with him.

“Unfortunately I can’t do that. We need to talk about what happened with Brian and Donnie tonight. I need closure in order to move on. Plus, there are a few things I need to tell you about myself. If we are going to make this relationship work, we have to be honest with each other.”  I say with a confidence I didn’t know I had.

“Hanna, you’re scaring me.”

“Alex, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I promise. In order to understand who I am, you need to know about part of my past.” I place a kiss on his cheek.

“Were you a stripper to pay for college?” AJ wiggles his eyes at me. I push him towards the bedroom. “I’d give anything for a strip tease from you.”

“You’re pushing your luck McLean.  Consider yourself lucky that I’m going to sleep next to you fully clothed.” I tease as I run and jump onto the bed.

“It’s a good thing I love you Hanna Jo.”

Things are definitely heading in the right direction. We have some things we need to fix. It can only get better from here. Right?