Project: nkotBSB

By Rachel

Copyright 2013

Chapter 66

Hanna Jo

We head in separate directions. Nick and Jessi go somewhere in the arena. AJ and I walk to the bus. Lunch is ready for us when we get inside. We sit down at the table and begin to eat.

“So what’s on your agenda today?” I ask while nibbling on a green bean.

“We have sound check in an hour. Then we have press the rest of the day.” He says casually.

“So you really don’t have a day off.” I sigh. My mind is not on the tour. I’m still thinking about my conversation with Jessi.

AJ stares at me intently. “Hanna, sweetheart what’s wrong? Are you still mad at me?” He rubs my hand gently.

“I’m not mad at you, Alex. I...I just have a lot on my mind.” I continue eating so I wouldn’t have to explain myself further.

“You know you can talk me.” AJ’s eyes are filled with love. It amazes me that someone cares about me like I’m the most important person in their world. I’ve never felt that way until now.

“I know.” I give his hand a squeeze. “I just need to process it first. I promise I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”

We eat in a comfortable silence. That’s what I love about Alex. We can sit without talking and everything feels right. I can be myself around him. I don’t have to be someone I’m not.

“So, I was talking to Danny’s fiancée the other day. She’s so excited about the wedding.” I comment, making conversation.

“Yeah, from what he says, it’s going to be a nice one.” AJ says, while taking a bite of his chocolate cake.

I decide to bite the bullet. I’m nervous asking him because I don’t want to make him mad. “Alex, what do you think about marriage?”

He spits out the water he’s drinking. That isn’t a good sign. Why did I ask him? I feel like a fool. I shouldn’t have brought up the word marriage.

My face turns red. “Never mind. You don’t have to answer that.”

“Hanna, you just caught me off guard. It wasn’t a question I was expecting.”

I feel my heart deflating. AJ’s not the type of guy to settle down for a lifelong commitment. Should I let that bother me? I’m not sure. He does love me. Do I need marriage to prove that to the world? In my heart, I say no. My mind tells me other things. What if down the line he finds another woman? It’s easier to toss me aside if we aren’t married.

“Earth to Hanna.” AJ says, pulling me out of my stupor. “You know I’ve been engaged a couple of times. Do you want to know the reason they didn’t work out?”

“Sure.” I bite my lip nervously.

“We had come to a point in our relationship where it seemed like the logical thing to do. We did everything we were supposed to do; date, have sex, move in together. Asking Brina and Madison to marry me had nothing to do with loving them forever. I was young and thought that was the next step in the relationship.”

“I can understand that. What made you decide to break off the engagements?” I was curious. Sure, I had seen all the tabloid reports, but I wanted to hear the truth.

“I caught Brina cheating on me. That ended that engagement. Madison was a whole different story. I thought she was the one. Kevin thought we were both too young to be married.  He sat me down and talked to me about what marriage was really about. Kev was the expert, being married for a few years.” AJ takes a moment to compose his thoughts. “I realized that I was more in love with the idea of being married than I was being committed to Madison for the rest of my life. That night I ended up calling off the wedding.”

I move over and sit next to AJ. I feel the need to be close to him. “What about now?”

“I realize that marriage is a partnership. Its two people wanting the same thing and making it work. I know that there will be a lot of good times and some bad times. Seeing my friends marriages, I realize it takes a lot of work on both partner’s behalf.”

AJ’s answer surprises me. He has really put a lot of thought into marriage. It makes me wonder about myself. What do I want out of being married? I am seriously questioning my own thoughts about marriage. My mom keeps telling me that marriage is the only way to not live in sin with a man. But isn’t it a sin to be married for the wrong reasons?

I cup AJ’s chin in my hands, pressing a kiss to his mouth. It’s long and slow. I hope it conveys how much I truly love him. “You’ve really given it a lot of thought.”

“Hanna, I know that you are younger than me. You are at that point where most women are. You’re dreaming of the poufy dress and the church.” He looks at me, and I want to cry. I’m embarrassed that he’s figured me out. “It’s all about romance and the moment.”

I slide away from him, but he clutches my waist and won’t let me go. “Just stop!” I yell.

“No, Hanna. Just listen to me.” He pleads holding me tight. I stop struggling, as tears start to fall. “Don’t cry, sweetheart. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the dream wedding and everything that goes with it.”

“It makes me sound so shallow.” I whine.

“No, it makes you sound like a woman in love. I understand how you feel, sweetheart. I’ve been there before. Dealing with your parents all these years hasn’t helped. They taught you to see marriage as a way to be able meet your sexual needs. Marriage is more than just sex. Marriage is about friendship and liking one another even when you don’t. I love sex more than anything, but marriage is more than just sex.”

“Where do you see our relationship going?” I ask honestly. I want our relationship to grow stronger each day. That means I need to know what AJ is thinking and feeling about us.

“I see us growing stronger in our love and friendship. There is so much more I have to learn about you Hanna Jo. I want to take time and learn to love everything about you. I want to meet your family.” He hugs me tightly. “When the time is right for both of us; I’ll get down on bended knee and ask you to marry me. We need time to grow together.”

My lips form a smile on my face. “You really want to marry me?”

“More than you ever know.” Our lips meet in a passionate kiss. I am so loved by this man.