Project: nkotBSB

By Dottie

Copyright 2014

Chapter 85

Jessi

For some reason, my talk with Nick makes me see things more clearly.  At least it makes me realize I really don’t have to do this alone.  I still want to cry at the thought of throwing Nick and Hanna Jo and all the others into the mix.  They shouldn’t have to be involved with my sordid past. 

Yes, my past.  I made the choices I made thinking I didn’t have any choices.  What it all boils down to is I was a coward.  I let myself get bullied and used because I thought it was the only way to survive.  I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to anyone because I didn’t have anyone to back me up.  I didn’t have anyone in my life that would be there for me no matter what.

I know what you’re thinking.  What about Hanna Jo?  Well, as bad as my past was, hers was worse, just in a different way.  I couldn’t tell her everything that was going on because frankly, I was ashamed.  She’s a good girl.  She has a heart of gold.  I guess my biggest fear was she’d think I wasn’t good enough to be her friend then I’d truly be alone. 

It wasn’t until AJ came into her life that I saw how stupid I was.  Yeah, she’s a good girl, but she doesn’t judge.  She accepts people for who they are, warts and all.  I guess that’s the one thing she didn’t get from her parents.  Talk about judgmental…those two cornered the market on telling anyone and everyone that if you don’t believe and act as they do, it’s a one way ticket to hell.  I’ve been living in hell my entire life.  What would they know about it?

I look over at Nick. He had on a movie but he’s snoozing now.  I smile, watching him sleep.  He’s so intense when he’s awake.  Whether he’s playing a video game, singing, performing or making love to me, he’s always completely focused.  But now, as he sleeps, he looks younger. Peaceful.   Carefree.  I want him to be like this when he’s awake.  I want him to just go with the flow and see where life takes us.

OK, I’m one to talk, right?  I’m the one who can’t stop focusing on the past, the trial and how my life could ruin Nick’s career.  So let me rephrase that.  I want us to live the kind of life where all we focus on is each other.  Not what did happen or what could happen…just the here and now.

So why can’t we do that on this little mini-vacation?  He and I talked at length about him testifying. About me testifying.  I called Hanna Jo and she’s on board with whatever has to be done. So is AJ, Brian and Howie.  Everyone accepts the part they have to play.  So why can’t I just let go and enjoy the moment?

A smile creeps across my lips.  I’m going to.  I’m going to be exactly what I want Nick and I to be.  Carefree.  I’m not going to think about Donnie and my past.  Not going to think about the trial.  I’m just going to think about the man lying a few feet away from me dreaming.

A plan forms.  Nick’s Motion-in-the-Ocean club…I think it’s time I joined it.  I tiptoe into the bedroom and take a quick shower, shaving my legs and under my arms.  After I dry off, I smooth moisturizer into my skin and wander out into the bedroom.  What should I wear?

A bikini seems too ordinary for such a momentous occasion.  I can’t stop giggling as I grab the ugliest shirt Nick owns…a short sleeved, button-down silk number that’s bright red covered in big blue and yellow angel fish.  I couldn’t stop him from buying it.  He thought it was cool.  I think it’s hideous…but for my purposes today, it just may come in handy. 

I slide it on and button it, twirling in front of the mirror. It’s long enough my ass won’t hang out so I forget the panties (who needs them?) and slip on a pair of flip flops.  I pull on one of his ball caps and grab my sunglasses and a beach bag.  After stuffing in a couple of towels and sunscreen I sneak into the kitchen and shove in a couple of bottles of water.

Once I’m ready, I head back to the living room and sit on the arm of Nick’s chair.  “Wake up Nick.”

Slowly he stirs. “What? What’s going on?”

I watch his eyes slowly open.  “I’m going to the beach.  Care to join me?”

He takes in my appearance.  “Why are you wearing my shirt?”

I giggle, standing up. “Because I can’t go to the beach nude.  See you down there.”

I stand and walk to the door.  A smile creeps across my face as I hear him clamor up behind me. “Wait a minute, hold on. You’re not nude under that shirt.  You’re joking, right?”

I throw him a saucy look over my shoulder. “Why don’t you come and find out?”

I ignore his sputtering and head down to the sand.  Since we do have a private beach, we have permanent canopy covering two chaise lounges waiting just beyond the steps from the house.  I set the bag down and stretch out on one of the loungers to wait.  I don’t have to wait long.

I hear his feet pounding down the planks as he runs down the steps.  “Jessi, for the love of…” 

When his voice trails off, I look over at him. “What?”

He rolls his eyes.  “Even though this is a private beach, planes DO fly over it!”

I can’t help but giggle.  “Nick, seriously, do you think they’ll fly low enough to see anything?  I did look out the window of the plane when we flew here.  You can’t see anything and we’re in such a remote area, I don’t think I’m going to be spotted.”  At his frustrated expression, I say, “Besides, I didn’t exactly plan to take it off.”

He sits on the lounger beside mine. “What exactly IS your plan?”

I smile, sitting up.  With is shirt bunched up at the top of my thighs, I’m pretty sure he gets a glimpse of my intimate, womanly parts.  I watch him swallow hard and I stifle the giggles bubbling under the surface.  I stand and move to his lounger, perching on one of his knees.  As he grabs my thigh I slide my fingers through his hair and whisper softly, “I distinctly remember you mentioning an exclusive club for me to join…I was kind of hoping…”

His nostrils flare.  “Well, I was kind of thinking maybe at night…”

I pout.  “Nick, you’re gonna make me wait all that time?”

He shakes his head. “No!  I mean, we can go back inside and then later, when it’s dark…”

I sigh dramatically.  “I don’t want to go inside. I want to go swimming…with you.”

I stand and head to the edge of the water, wading in.  I glance over my shoulder.  He’s still sitting on the lounger.  OK, so how is it I’m willing to have sex in a somewhat risky way and he’s hesitating? Isn’t it men who are supposed to want to take risks? 

Suddenly it dawns on me…maybe he’s ashamed.  My heart pounds and I walk further into the waves.  He always said my past didn’t matter but what if we are seen?  What if someone recognizes me? Especially after the tour and with the trial coming up…I feel tears welling up in my eyes.  How stupid can I be?  Of course he wants to keep a low profile.  He may love me, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to tell the world I’m his.  Maybe this isn’t what I thought it was.  Maybe this is just a tour thing to him.