*Let Me Love you (Until you love yourself enough)*
“Remember what you said during my wedding?”
“You mean your fake wedding, right?”
Nick raised his eyes to the ceiling, a small laughter escaping from his lips.
“Yep. That wedding.”
“The wedding you wanted everyone to see, cause you were scared about what your fans might say if they knew you were screwing your best friend? That wedding?”
“That one. – Nick replied, caressing Brian’s arm with a touch of fingertips. – Though you know that it has never been only sex.”
A smile managed to appear on Brian’s face, along with a shiver that took control of his nerves after Nick’s touch.
“What have I might say during this infamous and fake marriage?”
Nick erased those centimeters left that separated him from Brian: he took his lover’s elbows in his hands and rested his forehead against Brian’s, letting himself being swept away because of that pearl blue that shone so brightly only for him.
“I love everything that you love. Remember? And I love you. So you should love yourself too.” Nick replied, a quick peck on the lips and his nose tips that caressed softly Brian’s.
In a heartbeat, Brian’s body tensed beneath the weight of those words. Without letting Nick saying or adding something more, Brian pulled away from that embrace and walked towards the French window. Sunset was slowly coming down on the beach, painting the horizon with a pale blue and a first shade of that mix of orange, rose and violet; the sea was calm and placid, as if it was preparing to fall asleep when the moon would take the stage and steal all the attention.
“Nick.” Brian whispered, a tone broken by something that he didn’t want to let it out. The window was a sharp and cold contrast against his skin, that hand laying upon as if he could learn how to be invisible too only through that simple touch. He closed his eyes, as if it was enough to ignore Nick following him, coming closer until he found himself wrapped inside his arms. Hard and difficult was still showing that part of himself, that part of his soul stretched and broken by vulnerability and weakness, insecurity and fragility. That part that longed to be comforted and wanted Nick to put back together all those shattered and broken pieces but, at the same time, wanted no more than hiding somewhere so dark, lonely and far away that no one, no hand and help, would and could be able to see it.
“Ehi. Brian. Listen... I know, okay? I know exactly how you are feeling and... It hurts seeing you hating yourself so much because you can’t be what the world thinks and wants you to be. But I love you and that’s not gonna change. I loved you before and I love you now. I love this Brian.”
“No. No, you don’t love this Brian. You are still in love with that Brian you feel in love with decades ago. But... I don’t even know if I can be again that person.”
“But you are. – Nick murmured softly, nuzzling his nose against those few inches of skin free from clothes. – You are still that Brian, even if you can’t see it because of your problems. Because all you can see now is what you have lost. But you are that Brian that never gives up, that never let anyone or any obstacles stand in his way. That Brian that kept fighting even when they told him that there was anything left to fight for. That Brian that wasn’t scared to confront me and tell me what I needed to hear before it was too late; the same Brian that waited silently for me and battled for our love. For our family. That’s the Brian I fell in love with and it’s the same person I see every day. The Brian I observe every second we’re together and the one I imagine every second that we are apart.”
Those words managed to create a lump in Brian’s throat, a tension that stiffened those muscles that for so long had been able to suffocate and almost stealing away a voice that had been given for granted. A voice that now wasn’t certain anymore, it had become insecure and a hit and miss, as much as its owner. Those words had been so powerful that Brian found himself, suddenly, with his eyes burning for silent and too much hold back tears; tears that, almost sighing, were finally be able to see an escape after so many hours and so many days when they had been forced to retreat their arms and abandon any desire of freedom, for the shame and the embarrassment had been walls too high and deep to be taken down without help.
For so long Brian had hated himself. For so long he had hated that part of himself that hadn’t been to endure twenty and more years of use and abuse, of songs sung even when it had been better resting and of a weight that he himself had placed upon his shoulder, when he realized that he was the only voice left in the midst f absences and drugs. He had hated himself because he fell victim to the illusion that his problem had been something easy resolvable when, in reality, it had become the worst nightmare he had ever lived. He had hated those weakness that, just like little monsters, had become bigger and bigger until they were too huge to fight depending on his own forces. God, he had hated feeling that damn useless, hated that he had been put in a corner when he had always been the centre of the group and every damn songs for the past twenty years. He had hated, and still he did, those voices inside his head that had reduced him in pieces, with their screaming about how he wasn’t able anymore to do what he had always done, to sing so naturally as if it was something like the beat of his heart of his lungs breathing. And he still hated the fact that he couldn’t change those voices: if it was really something mental, if it was really only his brain stopping and blocking him, why couldn’t he destroy that obstacles and bring back that Brian he had always been? He hated himself for being so weak, for not being able to win over something that looked like a delusion, a monster he himself had created under the weight of anxiety and stress. And if he hated himself, if he wasn’t able to see even the slightest reflection of the person he had always been, how could the world still love him? How could his family and friends, his son, admire and care for him? How could Nick still love him that much?
Nick’s lips kept leaving a trail of small caresses along the neck, especially that sensible and sensitive spot where the skin left space to those thin sandy hair, too frail and short now to curls as they did years and years before. Those arms, wrapped around Brian’s waist, tightened up their grip and became a source of warmth that Brian couldn’t and wouldn’t ever want to do without: it had been from that embrace, from those arms folded around his body, that he had taken strength and courage to go on with his life and his work as if nothing had really changed or happened. That hug had been his safest place to hide during his worst and darkest moment, after every embarrassing and bad, very bad, performances; after every check up that didn’t live it to its expectation, promising him some sort of hope and belief and then leaving him with nothing but more obstacles and fears. And those arms, those arms had kept him grounded during those last days, that last week when the worst of the thought had nested inside his mind and inside a so dried and lifeless spirit that surrender and quitting seemed so easy to just accept without any more fights or battles.
“The Brian that I fell so madly and so deeply in love with is the one that is inside my arms right now. It’s the same one that had spent the last days so closed off that I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to bring him back. – A shiver ran through Nick’s spine, though it had nothing to do with that pleasure and ecstasy that came from just being so close to Brian’s body. That shiver had everything to do with the echoes and memories from the previous week, from that sense of being so utterly useless and to be reduced to just watching and praying that Brian could at least find some kind of peace. A direction, whatever it might have been. He had said to himself that it didn’t really matter which one was, even if it was quitting the group. He would have kept supporting and believing in Brian. It only mattered his happiness and that had been his prayer. To finally see Brian happy again. And yet that slip of a man had been able to shock him with his infinite and endless strength, getting himself up and willing to fight and win that battle once forever. – But you came out of it. Stronger than before.”
“I was going to quit. How can you say that I’m the same Brian?”
And still Brian shivered, still a trace of fear was able to take stage and focus instead than that pleasure coming from that embrace and love surrounding him. That trace was the memories and the echoes of days spent holding his breath like there had been only deep and dark waters around him, an apathy that had kept him away and separated from the real world. Nothing had seemed to be able to touch or brushing him and every single word spoken to him had been muted and silenced. Nothing. Emptiness all around him, an abyss of cold and ice that had nested inside his soul and, from that secure and safe house, had tried then to conquer every inch of skin, nerve, muscle and bone. There had been only one thought, a single Hamletic that had tortured Brian for all those days, hours, minutes and seconds. Reduced to something less than a whisper, without even the most hoarse and faint hint of a voice, during those moments Brian had tortured himself on what was the best decision. Not only for himself but mostly for all the people that he was dragging into that dig along with him. And not only because all hope seemed to be lost: what was the sense and use in keep trying if it would take just one day to throw him back at the beginning? Quitting and surrender never held that power against him before. It would have been so easy, it was so charming and simple just letting himself go and following those waves that seemed to beckon him while stealing everything that they found on their path. Would he be another victim? That had been the question flowing around his mind those days because if he had been gone, maybe, no one had to build again all their work just because of him.
That thought had scared Brian to the bone. It had been the wake up call, the moment when Brian had finally realized that he couldn’t go on like that and that he had to make a decision. Surrender had been so close and it had almost won. Almost. But even if that idea was long forgotten, even if now Brian knew exactly what he really wanted and desired to do, the echoes and the trails were still burning that confidence that was still shaky and that still needed to be cuddled and caressed.
Gently and delicately Nick made Brian turn so that they were facing each others. His hand found its place upon Brian’s cheek, the fingers started to trace in a caress the line of those bones that were sticking out too much as another memory of how much that body had to endure under the weight of that situation. With a silent prayer, Nick promised again to himself to take that precious body into his hands and take care of it until the skin would shine bright again because of the happiness and the joy burning bright inside the soul. He promised, Nick, to take care of Brian as much as the older had done for him time and time again and not only because that man had took control of his heart and soul. No, Nick’s own happiness and health depended and was tightly intertwined with Brian’s. How could he be happy if the other half of his soul was still crying and bleeding from pain? How could he not be worried, how could he not be full of anxiety and fears when the person he loved more than anything in the world had been reduced to a ghost?
“But you are here. You were broken. Shattered. In pieces. Everyone else in your position would have just quit and focus on how to have a normal life. You didn’t. As always you’ve decided to get back on your feet and fight back. And that’s my Brian. That’s the Brian that I love since the beginning. He may lower his head. He may bend but, in the end, he always finds the strength to get back, knowing that he is going to win.”
It was unbelievable. Unimaginable. More than what Brian would ever be able to touch and held within his own hand, caress with each and every fingertips. Nick’s faith in him had never falter during those years of struggling; instead, it had seemed to grow stronger and bigger after every defeat, after every obstacle appeared on their path and every single time Brian had found himself at the bottom line and another mountain to climb all over again.
“You really think that I can? – Brian found himself asking. A whisper. A murmur. Another moment of weakness and embarrassment slipping away from his fierce control. – Do you really believe that I can win this?”
There was no hesitation in Nick’s reply. There wouldn’t be any because that was one of the few things Nick was so sure and certain of his entire life.
“Yes.”
Nick’s lips came down and leaned upon Brian’s forehead, leaving a first and whispered “I love you” as they could only say. A smile, wet and stained with tears, brightened up Brian’s face as if he let those words and that wave of faith wrap around him and get inside to reach even the last nerve. There, closed inside that bubble that was their love, it was so easy and simple for Brian to be convinced by Nick’s word and really starting to believe, with every force still longing inside his soul, that the sun could really shine back again after that endless winter and storm. He was a fighter, of course, but could he really get up again stronger than he had ever been?” Nick’s lips didn’t stop to that just single touch. Form the forehead they slipped on the eyes, caressing the eyelids and then just dried those tears that had managed to escape and were leaving a trail on Brian’s cheeks.
“I love you.”
Those were the only three words that underlined and pinpointed each kiss and each caress; three words that were becoming and assuming a husky and sensual tone the more the lips came closer to Brian’s. Even Nick’s body was part of that dance and affirmation, firm and absolutely sure not to ignore those sensations and emotions that were blushing and burning from just being so close: so Nick put his hands on Brian’s hips, pushing him against his body until only clothes prevented them to merge into one another.
“Nick... – Brian murmured, moving his face so Nick’s lips could have more freedom and space to lean and kiss the skin of the neck. - … we are standing in front of the window.”
It was a faint objection, weak if compared to the trembles and shivers that were reigning over his body. Nick just smiled as, unexpectedly, pushed him against the glass.
“It’s a private beach. – Nick only said, biting down that particular and sensible spot of Brian’s ear. – No one should pass by.”
“But you know that it happens. We have neighbors, you know.”
“We do?”
“Yes. Come of them are even nice.” Brian’s hands went underneath Nick’s shirt and started to tickle the warm skin.
“Then let them watch.”
The image, born from those words, teased Brian’s thirst and was so powerful and intense that his knees almost buckled and he would had fallen if it hadn’t been for Nick’s secure and hard grip on his hips.
“Nick...”
It should have been a plea but Brian didn’t know if it was to convince Nick to stop or to actually force him to keep going, to make his body as something he could mold as he desired while his own soul was studying, analyzing every and each caresses so that it could reproduced them.
“You know what our nice neighbor would see?”
Brian could only shake his head, a moan of pleasure managed to escape his lips and that could be the only reaction possible as Nick’s lips started to trace his throat,
“They would only see a devoted worshipper as he adores and prays his God.”
The parallel made Brian smile, a laugh that only managed to unfold its wings before Nick’s lips stole it away. Brian’s face became malicious while he raised his eyebrows with disbelief.
“Am I God, now?”
“Mh... – Nick replied, placing a kiss on the top of Brian’s chest, right there where the scar beginning to appear. – You know that Gods don’t usually speak, right?”
“And what do they do, then?”
“They listen silently to the prayers of their devotee.”
“But... – Brian whispered as his fingers ran up and down Nick’s spine, satisfied of those trembles they left behind their trail. - ... they usually pray in a much more private place.”
“You sure?” Nick asked, raising his head so that he could lose himself inside Brian’s eyes, a deeper and darker shade of blue, the light of pleasure and desire that was concentrated only on him.
Brian took Nick’s face in his hands. They were so close that they could hear and feel their warmth breathes upon their skin. They were so close that words weren’t really necessary, they needed only those looks that were speaking every word that their souls were screaming in a loud voice. It was breathtaking to actually see and feel that level of devotion and admiration that he could read inside Nick’s eyes. What did he ever do to be worth of such love? No, not only simple and pure love. Adored and considered as a something divine, something that needed to be worshipped and trusted with every ounce of faith and belief possessed. Did it really matter, then, if he wouldn’t ever be able to sing again? That love, that adoration, wouldn’t even falter. Nothing and no one could ever steal it away from him, neither that bastard sickness that had tried to take his voice away. That love and devotion was so real and tangible and so infinite and endless to be wrapped inside two arms.
In a heartbeat and in a breath quicker and more rapid, Brian found himself be laid upon the bed, with Nick’s figure towering him and that body where lights and shadows enlightened all those features that had captured his heart and soul many and many years before.
“What is your prayer?” Brian asked while his fingers started to play with Nick’s jeans, needing and desiring them to be just off.
Nick’s face didn’t skip a beat, coming to face Brian’s; his lips brushed against Nick’s nose, before leaving a trail of kisses and caresses upon their playmates.
“I’ve just one prayer. I just want that this God I’m holding would only start to love what this devoted believer loves more than anything in this world.”
Chapter End Notes:
Oh gosh, I finally made it!
I probably have thousand and thousand ideas insppired by what Brian has gone through with his voice and, one day, I'll be able to write them. lol
Just... so angst! lol
As always, I apologize if there are any mistakes left.
I probably have thousand and thousand ideas insppired by what Brian has gone through with his voice and, one day, I'll be able to write them. lol
Just... so angst! lol
As always, I apologize if there are any mistakes left.
