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“Where is he?” I screamed. I actually screamed into the quiet hallway. Kevin jumped up and laid a hand on my shoulder to calm me down.

“Nick, sit down.”

“No! I don’t wanna sit down!” I yelled, immediately realizing how childish it sounded, “Just someone tell me where he is!”

“Show some respect, and sit down,” Kevin repeated, a bit more agitated now. I could see he was freaking out as well, but did a damn good job trying to hide it.

“How about you respect me and let me stand up,” I argued, the conversation suddenly awfully familiar in my ears.

“Fine, I respect you, stand up then,” Kevin bitterly replied. I promptly sat down, feeling the tears stream over my face.


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Things actually got a lot better towards the end of the European leg. I don’t exactly know why, but shows just seemed to get better and better and became less of a chore and more fun again. Maybe we just got used to the circumstances; that was possible too. Either way, I was glad. We only had one more song and it was going great tonight. No slips ups, no moments that made me cringe, it was totally magical, just like it used to be. Well, Howie messed up a dance step, but we had had a great laugh about it, actually. So had the crowd. Howie didn’t mind being the subject of the joke, I loved that about him.

“Anybody remember the lyrics to the last song?” I jokingly asked backstage as we prepared for the encore.

I could almost feel the crowd out there getting tenser and tenser with anticipation.

“Better remember it,” I heard Brian grumble next to me, “I wrote it.”

I smiled at him; he always made sure to remind everybody of the fact that he wrote on Larger than Life. Never failed. “I dunno,” I mused, “It’s been a while.”

“You sung it yesterday,” he pointed out with a grin. “Is married life messing with your mind already?”
I smirked back at him, fueled by the positive adrenaline the amazing night was causing. It was giving us wings; we were literally soaring. “Not sure,” I replied cheekily, glad by the fact that Brian had actually made a joke backstage, which hadn’t happened in way too long, “Don’t care.”

Brian laughed, giving me a thumbs up as we made our way back to the stairs that led onto the stage. His smile was genuine; not that fake shit he usually gave me on stage or in front of a camera, but an actual smile. It brought an incredible sense of relief and I suddenly had the urge to tell him how happy I was with tonight.

Now that I came to think of it, he had been doing consistently well all week. We all usually made a point of telling Brian when he was doing well, but before I could do so, the music started and we hurried onstage.

The final was ecstatic. I’m pretty sure the crowd felt our energy and fed off of it, just as we did theirs. It was amazing; I hadn’t felt like this in so long. All the positive energy flowing through me like a cleaning shower, like all my worries were just streaming away down the drain.

A natural high.

After the final song was over, I hurried to where Brian was getting rid of the equipment. “You were amazing!” I cried out, sounding decidedly like a star struck fourteen year old. I didn’t care.

“Thanks!” He replied with a wide smile. AJ and Howie came up behind me, congratulating Brian as well.

“Damn, we should celebrate this!” AJ exclaimed in a higher voice than normal. “You should totally come to the after party tonight.”

“Nah,” Brian replied hesitatingly, “I’m dead tired.”

“That’s alright,” I said quickly. I knew how terrified he was for us to show any kind of special attention to him in public that had to do with his voice. People might pick up on it. Like people didn’t pick up on it whenever his voice broke during a line, but I decided not to dwell on that. Kevin eventually came back from his speech about the after party and how everyone should be there and buy tickets. He had an earsplitting grin on as well.

“Good job everyone,” he roared, “This was the best night of the tour so far, if you ask me.”

I saw the rest nod in agreement; we were all so agreeable when things went well. We split up, only having thirty minutes before the after party started. I needed to take a shower really bad, I noticed as I stepped into the dressing room. I saw Howie running around with his baby in his arms and could only guess what he was doing. His older son, James, was in turn running after him, not tired at all, despite the fact that it was eleven pm. I knew Lauren couldn’t wait to get pregnant, but when I regarded the hectic way Howie ran all over the place, I usually decided it could wait a bit longer. Shaking my head, I grabbed the door handle of the bathroom.

Locked.

“Who’s in my bathroom?” I roared.

Howie actually skidded to a halt, Holden still crying in his arms. “Brian,” he replied loudly to be heard over the baby’s tantrum.

Who else, I thought, sighing as I plopped down on a chair closest to the bathroom. This wasn’t even Brian’s dressing room, what the hell was he doing here? “Does he have a bathroom fetish, or something?” I mumbled.

“Will you not say that word in front of my kids?” Howie sighed.

“Wa’s a fetisj, daddy?” James questioned right on cue.

Howie shot me a murderous look and I just smiled back, “It’s something you really love.”

“Does Brian really love bathrooms?” the boy asked uncertainly.

“Seems so,” I replied.

“No he doesn’t,” Howie mumbled, “Come on, we’ve gotta go find mommy.”

“But daddy, you still smell like sweat!” James piped happily and I saw Howie clench his jaw.

“Don’t worry about it,” He replied calmly, “Where are you shoes?”

“Mommy has my shoes.”

“Did you get here without shoes on?”

“Yup!” I’m sure Howie would have done a perfect facepalm if he had any hands free. Instead he sighed and trudged out of the room, the wails of the baby echoing into the hall.

I sighed, finally able to think clearly now that the noise was dying away. I could hear Brian in the shower.

He was sure taking his sweet time. He wasn’t even going to the after party, couldn’t he just take a shower in the hotel?

“Hurry up,” I yelled, giving a ram on the door to get his attention. “I only have fifteen minutes left!”

I heard a noise coming from the bathroom and frowned. It sounded really weird and very off. I took a deep breath, wondering if I should break down the door again. Was the sound alarming enough? “Brian?” I called, unsure. This all seemed far too familiar. Would I find him on the floor again? And why? The night had been amazing, there was no reason at all for him to panic. Maybe I was panicking over nothing.

After another five minutes of no reply I spotted the screwdriver on the table. Perfect. I stuck the end of it in the lock and it turned easily. I swung open the door, immediately seeing Brian standing over the sink.

He turned around in shock and looked at me in bewilderment. “What the fuck?” he mumbled.

“You okay?” I asked with wide eyes.

“Yes,” he replied awkwardly, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I...uhhh-” I faltered, suddenly very aware that me breaking into the bathroom like this was very unwarranted, “I thought I heard something.”

“Oh Jesus,” Brian grumbled, quickly propping the pills from his hand into his mouth. “You’re 34 and you still gotta learn privacy.”

I had expected him to be angrier, but was glad that he didn’t seem to mind as much. His face scrunched up in pain as the medication slid down his throat. He seemed a lot paler in the stark bathroom light and there was a strange smell about him as I wrapped my arms around him and enveloped us in a hug. He seemed very surprised at the sudden affection, but quickly returned the gesture.

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“For what?”

“For not giving up,” I answered quietly.

He gave me a wry smile.