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And the way you do your thing, oh, you’re m-”

Ah, crap!

I didn’t realize that I said that last part out loud until I looked up and saw Jeffrey frowning at me. I mumbled an apology and looked away. He’d been looking more and more annoyed the longer it took to get the verse done. I could see it on his face; this verse was not hard to sing for anybody, regardless if they were even professional singers. Anybody can do it, Brian.

Not me.

For a minute, I considered if it would be that weird if I stormed out of the studio, crossed the street and hide behind a tree in the park or something. I could just stay there until it got dark and then I would go home. I had been running from my problems for so long, why not do it a bit more? I squinted at the documentary camera that was trying to discreetly film the whole thing. Stephen frowned and mouthed that I should pretend they were not there. It wasn’t working. I felt the knot in my stomach tighten when I thought about how the others were going to watch this footage.

What if everybody in the world was going to watch this footage?

I didn’t hear Jeffrey’s suggestion of taking a break over the wave of panic that was crashing into me like a thunderstorm. I choked out another quick apology and left the confining, suffocating studio. Outside, I heard AJ grumble something as I brushed past him and his cigarette. I was practically running as I turned the corner and pressed my back against the wall, fairly certain that no one was there to see me. The nauseating weight of panic was literally suffocating me. I felt the troublesome muscles in my throat tightening around my airway and gasped for air.

I tried to remember what my therapist had said about what to do when something like this happened. I drew a complete blank and my heart pounded falteringly in my chest as the world started to spin around me.

What if everyone knows, Brian?

Black spots were dancing in front of my vision and I let out a strangled sound as I doubled over and squeezed my eyes closed, trying my hardest to keep my balance. My stomach turned and I felt the bile rise in my throat. I coughed and wheezed pathetically, momentarily forgetting what you were supposed to do when hyperventilating. I choked on a panicked cry when I felt my heart beating madly fast and the crushing weight on my chest increasing by the second.

“Hey!”

Before the dark spots could completely take over my vision, I felt two hands grab my upper arms and catch me when my knees gave out.

Wouldn’t this scene make a swell documentary?

“Easy, easy.” AJ’s voice seemed miles away, like I was listening to it from underwater. He guided me and himself down along the solid wall and looked straight at me while he placed one hand on my shoulder and the other hand on my knee, “You gotta relax, alright?”

I shook my head wildly, still gasping. I was dying here, couldn’t he see that? My breath hitched in my throat and the black spots were suddenly everywhere.

“Hey!” AJ said again, “Hey, come on, man. You gotta stay with me here. Just breathe.”

I shook my head again, squeezing my eyes closed, “...can’t-” I managed to croak out.

“Yes, you can!” AJ barked harshly and he squeezed my shoulder almost painfully. “It’s not that difficult. You’re having a panic attack right now. It’s freakishly scary, believe me, I know, but it’s gonna go away, you just gotta breathe. Just... deep and slow breaths, come on!”

I tried to focus on what he said, but it was so hard with the lack of oxygen and unwanted thoughts flying through my mind. I didn’t want to have these attacks, I didn’t want to feel like I was being strangled by my own body.

It wasn’t fair! None of it was fair!

“Hurts,” I gasped, though I felt the weight be lifted from my chest somewhat as I regained control over my lungs slowly but surely.

“That’s it, bro,” AJ guided softly, his large hand rubbing my shoulder soothingly. “You’re okay.”

“Hurts,” I repeated hoarsely.

“What hurts?” He asked calmly, but I could hear the concern in his voice.

I decided not to answer, but clutched my throat with trembling hands. He nodded silently in understanding and I leaned my head against the wall, tiredly closing my eyes. “I don’t want this,” I said in a faltering tone.

“I know.”

“I can’t do this, AJ!” I cried out, or; I tried to, as the sound was almost completely eliminated from my voice now, “What if everyone knows? What am I gonna do? What are we gonna do? What if it’s always gonna be like this? I can’t do it. I can’t do it!”

“It’s okay,” was everything he offered. I could see the worry and fear in his eyes too. We were screwed because of me, and we both knew it. There was nothing he could say that would make that untrue.

“I should go back,” I said monotonously after clearing my throat. “Take sixteen, here I come.”

“I think you’ve done enough recording for today, Bri,” AJ said, “You’ve been in there for like three hours.”
“But we need all the time we have, Alex. We have only three weeks, you know.”

“But if it causes you to panic like this, I’ll make it four,” he simply said.

“But-.”

“We’ll figure it out.”

Yeah, right.