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Go Howl at the Moon


Things were quite somber around Hogwarts after the death of Alice Bell. It was as though the seriousness of the threat of the Dark Lord had struck too close to home for many of the students, and they finally understood why it was so serious that Voldemort was out there somewhere. Before Alice Bell had been killed, there had been no real reason to believe in the existence of a war from within the safety of the walls of Hogwarts. Even those who knew perfectly well that there was a threat hadn’t believed it would ever touch their lives - especially the pureblood witches and wizards. But Alice Bell had been a pureblood, and yet her blood had been spilled the same as any muggle-born or half blood might’ve been.

It got even weirder ‘round the Gryffindor common room when, a week after the news of Alice’s death, Derek Bell returned to school. He looked a mess, thinner and paler than any of the Gryffindors remembered him being. Bilius Weasley had seen his trunk arrive in their dorm and met him in the Entrance Hall, and when the two arrived through the portrait hole, most everyone in the house was sitting in the common room, waiting for his return. “Let him through, let him through - all of you sod off, you’ve got classes and homework you ought to be doing, let the man breathe,” Bilius commanded, waving away the Gryffindors that stared on eagerly as Derek, sopping wet from the heavy autumn rain that was falling outside, made his way up the stairs to the Sixth Years’ dormitory.

“How’s he doing?” Sirius asked Bilius quietly. But Bilius only shrugged in reply and hurried on after Derek.

Remus went to the Shrieking Shack that week, too, as the first full moon of term came. He shoved a couple of textbooks into his bookbag and slung it over his shoulder the night he was to leave. The second years were all in their dorm and Peter was making flash cards to study spells from Charms while James was laying across his bed with Sirius, looking at a broom catalog that had come in by owl. The two of them were daydreaming about the newest models of quidditch brooms when Remus cleared his throat. They all three looked up. “I”m about to go,” Remus informed them.

Sirius said, “I’m sorry we can’t go with you, mate.”

“Believe me, I’m sorry, too,” Remus said with a heavy sigh. He fiddled with the strap of his bag, then puffed out his cheeks and said, “Although… I am glad that somebody will be here for Lily if she needs anything,” he added.

James frowned and his eyes moved back down to the catalog on his lap.

“And you all will check on her, right, while I’m gone?” Remus added.

“Sure, of course,” Sirius replied.

“Cos she’s really upset still,” Remus reminded them.

“We know,” James replied, “Everybody in the bloody school knows. She’s worse than that Moaning Myrtle on the second floor. Always moping about…”

“Well her best friend died, James,” Remus reminded him sharply, “That’s to be expected, isn’t it?”

James shrugged.

“Wouldn’t you be moping about if it was Sirius who was killed?” Remus shot back, angrily.

“Oi,” exclaimed Sirius, “Why’s it got to be me that’s gone and been offed here?”

“Because you’re his best friend,” Remus answered.

“Still - off yourself, not me,” Sirius said back.

“Alright then, James, wouldn’t you be complaining and moping about all over if it was any of the three of us that’d been offed?”

James’s eyes flickered ever so slightly toward Peter for just a fraction of a moment. Peter didn’t notice, he was still clumsily trying to magic the flash cards he was making. James replied, “I wouldn’t be annoying the whole damn school.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “You really are very immature, you know that?”

James shrugged and turned back to his broom catalog, flipping the page so angrily that it tore a little bit. “Reparo,” he muttered, frustrated.

“Look, I’m sorry, alright, James?” Remus snapped, “I’m sorry she likes me more than she likes you. For Merlin’s sake, I can’t help it. But maybe if you weren’t so - so - so ridiculous about things then she would like you.”

James looked up, his gaze cold. “What things am I ridiculous about?”

“You’re immature and arrogant and you don’t think about anybody else’s feelings except your own,” Remus said, spelling it out. He took a deep breath, then shook his head, “You know what, no. If you don’t know on your own what you do, then there’s nothing telling you is going to do to change anything about it.” He headed for the door. “Sirius, will you please be the one who checks on Lily for me? James doesn’t know how to have sympathy for someone besides himself.”

James looked truly angry now, “Go howl at the moon, wolf.”

They’d said things like that in fun dozens of times since they had found out about Remus’s ‘condition’, but the way the word wolf rolled from James’s tongue in that moment was offensive. The label came off his lips the way that mudblood might have come from a Slytherin. It was meant as a put down, meant to be scathing. James had used the word to make Remus feel as though he were somehow less. And the look on his face right after he’d said it clearly meant that he was sorry. It was a stunned sort of sick look about his eyes. “I didn’t mean that,” he stammered quickly.

Remus turned and hurried out the door without saying anything.

Peter and Sirius were staring at James in shock. “Wow, James…” muttered Peter, “That wasn’t right.”

“Aw bloody hell,” James jumped up and went after Remus.

James caught up to Remus in the entrance hall. He grabbed Remus’s elbow, stopping him just before he reached the bottom of the staircase. “Wait. Rey.”

Remus shook James off and turned around, “I can’t believe you said that to me,” he said.

“I can’t believe I did, either. You’ve got to know I didn’t mean it, don’t you?” James pleaded, “I don’t care about what you are.”

“Obviously, on some level, you do,” Remus answered.

“I really don’t,” James said. “I didn’t mean it, Remus. I didn’t. Please don’t be cross at me.”

“I’m not cross, I’m hurt,” Remus replied.

James clasped his hands together, begging, “Please. I didn’t mean it.”

Remus sighed. He sank down on the stair and rubbed his forehead as James sank down next to him, leaning forward to stare into Remus’s face. Once his thoughts were collected a bit more, Remus said, “I know you fancy Lily, James, and I know you’re jealous of the attention she’s been giving me.”

James stared down at his trainers. “I don’t fancy Li--”

“Stop it,” Remus said, “It’s obvious that you do, alright? And if you really don’t think that you do, maybe you need to really think on it and realize yourself how obvious it is. The rest of us all see it quite plainly.”

James pursed his lips.

“Lily just needs a friend, that’s all, especially now. And I know you don’t understand that, you’ve never been through this - this feeling of loss, I mean.” Remus looked over at James as he looked up, “Just try and be understanding. It’s a lot harder than you might imagine, even, and Lily doesn’t need you making her feel bad for being upset about it. That only makes it worse because trying to be jolly when you aren’t is the worst. I know.”

James asked, “Is that what you’ve been doing, then?”

Remus’s face broke into a sad little smile. “It’s what I’ve done all my life, isn’t it?”

“I’m very sorry,” James said quietly.

“It’s alright,” Remus said, “It’s just that I’m quite used to how it feels to be alone and sad,” he gestured toward the pale light coming in the windows. It was the last moon he could see without turning, and it made him nervous to even acknowledge it’s presence, afraid his genes might bubble and change early. “I know what it’s like too well.”

“I wish you didn’t,” said James.

Remus shrugged.

James looked up at the moon and asked, “Are you - you know - the whole time, or just when it’s dark?”

Remus shifted, he’d never really talked about the details with anyone - including his very understanding parents. He took a deep breath, “Well I mean, once I - I - you know -” he glanced around, and breathed the words, “go wolf,” he licked his lips, “Well, you don’t really go back until after the cycle’s ended. Just, you can kind of remember yourself a bit during the day, you know? You can control the instincts a bit better. I usually sleep then. It’s the nights that are a real tosser. You lose your mind, lose all control.” He ran his hands over the scars and marks on his forearms.

James said, “Maybe we could come and visit you. During the day, I mean.”

Remus shook his head, “No,” he said firmly.

“Why not?” James asked, “You said it yourself you have control and we could at least keep you company. Maybe we could do some homework or something and -” he grinned, “And we could bring you food, so you wouldn’t be such a mess when you get back and --”

“No, James,” Remus said, “If I ever lost control - I’d never forgive myself.”

James let the idea drop, for the time being at least.

Remus stood up, “I best be going.”

James stood up, too, “Alright,” he said. Then, “I’ll try to be better about Evans.”

“I appreciate it,” Remus said.

James nodded. “No problem.” Remus started down the stairs, his footsteps echoing through the entrance hall as he went. He was nearly to the door when James asked, “Do you fancy her?”

Remus’s hand was on the door knob. He felt a great lump rise up in his throat and he hesitated, unsure how James would take the answer. He turned ‘round to look at him. “Who wouldn’t?” He asked.

James nodded, accepting that answer. He plucked up all his integrity and said, “Well. She obviously fancies you back. Good on you, mate.”

Remus smiled a little smile, accepting the words for what they were - a peace offering between friends, an understanding that Lily had made her choice. “Thanks,” Remus said, and he twisted the knob and stepped outside into the cool air of a dying summer, headed for the Whomping Willow and the Shrieking Shack.

James lingered on the stairs a moment, a heavy sigh weighing him down, before turning and walking back up the staircase, headed for Gryffindor tower.

Below, however, huddled in the dark of the corridor that led down to the dungeons, was Severus Snape. He leaned against the cold stones, his fingertips clutched in the grouting. He hadn’t overheard the whole conversation - he’d only just gotten there - but it was enough for him to know that James Potter and Remus Lupin were discussing Lily Evans and that Lily had, in some way, confessed to fancying Remus. Severus could hardly recall how to breathe, and, with a knotted stomach, he turned and ran back to the Slytherin common room, stopping only to burn the note he’d been about to deliver.

The ashes of it curled and smoldered away on the floor of the boy’s toilet, where he’d set fire to it with his wand. The edges falling away to dust even as the door closed behind Severus. Lily’s name in the center of the little folded bit of parchment was the last of it to burn, but finally even that was gone as well.