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Macrocephaly


It happened on a Saturday afternoon, when James and Sirius had snuck off to check on the potion in the Secret Room. They took a detour on their way back to Gryffindor Tower, turning instead the long way to go over the stone bridge. They had paused to look over the edge into the craggy depths below and marvel for about the hundredth time at it, when there came laughter from the far end of the bridge. Sirius looked up and quickly elbowed James to get his attention. Coming toward them was Isaac Horan and his mate Bertram Aubrey.

“Well look what we have here,” Isaac said, “Where’s your little guard, Potter?”

“Right here,” replied Sirius, stepping forward.

Isaac laughed. “Sirius Black, the disappointment to his family. How’s that feel?”

Sirius shrugged, pretending that the words didn’t sting.

“Why don’t you lot move along?” James demanded, “You’re not wanted here.” He started to turn back to looking over the crags when he heard a scuffle as Horan, Aubrey, and Sirius had all drawn their wands quite quickly. Horan’s pointed at James, Sirius’s at Horan, and Aubrey’s at Sirius.

“Make my day,” growled Sirius.

Horan glowered at Sirius.

“Drop your wand,” demanded Aubrey.

“You drop yours,” Sirius answered. “Both of you.”

Aubrey snorted, “We’re sixth years, Black, we don’t take commands from second years like you.” He grinned, “Especially not whimpering little girls like Potter.”

The laugh that Aubrey and Horan shared following the comment was short lived.

“Macrocephaly!” shouted Sirius and his wand shot a jet of red sparks that cracked into Aubrey’s unsuspecting face.

Horan changed positions to try and aim his wand at Sirius, but Aubrey had grabbed hold of his arm as his head had suddenly started to grow, exponentially, and he lost his balance, toppling into Horan’s side as he clutched his shoulder. “What’s happening?! What’s happening?!?” shrieked Aubrey, panic soaking his voice, arms flailing helplessly about his head, as though grabbing a hold on his skull he might be able to hold it down from growing. “What’s happening!??”

“Whoa!” Horan struggled to hold Aubrey up.

James was wide-eyed. “C’mon,” Sirius said and he grabbed hold of James’s arm and pulled him down the bridge quickly, but James was stumbling along, the sight of Aubrey’s expanding head too mesmerizing to tear his eyes away from as Horan landed on the floor, Aubrey’s fathead weighing him down. Sirius glanced back, too, to tell James to pay attention where they were running and -- “Uhmph!”

With a thud, they both fell backward onto the floor of the stone bridge, having collided full-force with Professor McGonagall, who caught herself - only just - in the frame of the doorway. “What is the meaning of this? Running through the corridors and -- oh my stars!!!” She had just spotted Aubrey. McGonagall snapped, “Do not move, either of you.” And rushed past them down the bridge to where the two Slytherins lay, Aubrey shrieking as his head continued to expand.

Sirius looked at James, James looked back at Sirius. And just like that - when their eyes met - neither could stop from laughing.




They stopped laughing rather abruptly when, fifteen minutes later, they were sitting in Professor McGonagall’s office, the fire crackling in the floo, glowing off her stern features. James looked at the little tin on her desk. He had a feeling he would not be offered a biscuit this time. He looked back up at Professor McGonagall. Her mouth was a straight line, and they’d been sitting there in absolute silence for several long moments, as though she were so angry she couldn’t even come up with anything to say.

Sirius spoke first. “They started it,” he said.

McGonagall looked at Sirius with a steady gaze. “Mr. Black, I do not care who started it, what I care about is how you finished it. Casting a spell that is banned from this castle! Where did you even learn a spell like that?”

It had been on page 245 of Hexes and Jinxes for the Practical Joker but he wasn’t about to tell McGonagall about that book.

“I dunno,” he said weakly.

McGonagall glowered. She turned to James, “And why didn’t you stop him?”

“Because Horan was fixing to hex me!” James said, “He had his wand out at me and Sirius pointed his at him and that Aubrey had his at Sirius and I was just standing there.”

“And to whom was your wand pointing at?” McGonagall pressed.

James looked at her, dumbfounded, “Mine was in my pocket!” he said.

McGonagall took a deep breath. “Neither of you helped Mr. Aubrey.”

“Why would we help that git?” James asked, “I’ve just told you he and Horan were about to hex me. Sirius cast the spell so we could get away without them attacking us!”

“Yeah!” Sirius said, “I mean, I can’t stand the prats but I wouldn’t hex anybody with no reason!”

McGonagall said, “You shouldn’t be hexing anyone in this school for any reason!”

“THEY WERE GOING TO HEX US!” shouted James, frustrated.

McGonagall rubbed her forehead. “Bottom line is that the both of you will be having detentions for two Saturday mornings at ten o’clock with Mr. Filch.”

“With Filch?” groaned Sirius, “Why with Filch? Why don’t we have detentions with you?”

“I have other things that need doing that is more important than watching over two second years who can’t keep their wands to themselves.”

“Mine was in my pocket, Professor!” James exclaimed.

“Just the same,” McGonagall said. She stared at them both long and hard. “No more hexing your classmates. I mean it.”

Sirius sighed, “Yes, Professor.” James hung his head.

“Now go. And Mr. Filch will be expecting you next Saturday.”

They trudged out of the office and started down the corridor toward the door that would let them out into the courtyard on their way back to Gryffindor Tower. When they were sure they were out of earshot of Professor McGonagall, who had stood in the corridor before her office door to watch them go, Sirius muttered, “This is stupid. They attempt to attack us and we defend ourselves and we end up with the detentions while the Slytherins get off scot free!”

“But perhaps they aren’t as bad as they seem!” James said, mocking Remus’s voice.

Sirius shook his head, “Remus is mad if he really thinks so! This ought to cook his goose though when he hears this one.”

James chortled.

“What?” asked Sirius.

James answered by imitating the way Aubrey had clutched at his expanding head, “‘What’s happening?! What’s happening!??’” he mimicked the Slytherin’s panic.

“Good one, James.” Sirius snorted.

“Me? You’re the one that’s done it!” James said.

Sirius grinned. “Yeah… It was pretty funny. Well - Good one, me!”

“Yes, good one, Sirius. It was positively amazing,” James answered through his laughter. “I imagine he would’ve eventually just floated off like a great big Hot Air Balloon.”

“Or else exploded and there would’ve been Aubrey brains everywhere, spattering the walls like a dungbomb.”

“Else it might’ve stayed that size, all big and round, and they’d have had to roll him about the school like a giant ball.”

James laughed even harder as the two of them walked across the drizzly courtyard, coming up with various scenarios of what might have happened to Bertram Aubrey’s head had Professor McGonagall not shown up to stop it’s growing.




“You did what?!” exclaimed Remus when they’d told him the story of what happened. Peter was choking on his mandrake leaf he’d laughed so hard. Remus looked absolutely appalled. “You made his head grow?”

“Yeah, like this big before McGonagall got to him,” James said, holding his arms up, “Had to be at least twice a normal size. Maybe even three. It was hilarious.”

Remus shook his head, “Is Aubrey alright?”

“Aubrey’s fine!” Sirius said, “Just gave him a good scare is all we did. He deserved it anyway. He was going to hex James. It was self-defense.”

Remus sounded nervous, “Well it’s very dangerous having your head swelled like that, it can do some serious damage to the brain --”

“Well, then, see, no worries to be had then, Rey,” James said, “Aubrey hasn’t got one of those!” Sirius guffawed and high-fived James heartily.

Remus let out a streaming sigh, then turned back to his homework.

“Aw, c’mon Remus,” said Sirius, “The prat earned it. They were going to hex James so he couldn’t play in the tourney. He’s lucky that’s all I did to him.” Sirius waved a palm dismissively at Remus when he didn’t respond and climbed up onto his bed, grabbing the Hexes and Jinxes for the Practical Joker out of his nightstand and flipping to page 245. “Done,” he said, dog-earing the page. “Now we know what that one does.”

“Do we ever,” James grinned, sitting on the edge of his own bed.

Sirius tossed the book back onto his nightstand and put the needle on the record player. The music started up and he threw himself across his bed, lounging about with his feet crossed up on the headboard. Remus was still back-to them, concentrating particularly hard on his history of magic book, his head propped up by his palm. Sirius rolled his eyes.

James pulled the snitch from his drawer and practiced catching it as he laid on his bed, listening to the record Sirius had put on.

Nearly a whole song had gone by when James looked over at Sirius and silently waved his hands about his head, imitating Aubrey again. Sirius laughed so hard he cried.