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Xenophilius Lovegood Gets A Date


As Christmas approached, the castle became truly magical. The bannisters were wound with long streams of spruce and evergreen and the suits of armor were bewitched by the faculty to sing Christmas songs like carolers.

It took only two days for Sirius Black to figure out how to alter the spell to cause them to sing some of his more choicely worded songs.

“MR. BLACK THAT IS ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE LANGUAGE!” McGonagall cried out when she caught him teaching one of the suits of armor on the third floor his rendition of Jingle Bells, “Although the sentiments are shared, I cannot be having the armor saying such things!”

Everyone was getting quite tiresome with classes since the holidays were only a week away and the assignments were lightening up to be more fun, though the holiday assignments were starting to be handed out and there was quite a lot due when classes resumed.

Now it hadn’t bothered the boys much, seeing as they were in Third Year and too young to participate, but the month of December had become something of a headache for all the fourth-years-and-above students as they tried desperately to pair off in the name of attending the annual Yule Ball.

This whole affair had begun on a chilly evening just after the full moon when Frank Longbottom had gone down to the common room with his hair done really fine and walked up to Ali Prewitt and offered her a chocolate frog card. Ali had been studying with Lily and Remus at the big table. “Oh, no thank you, Frank,” she’d said, turning down the frog.

Frank had looked disappointed, “But… Ali, they’re your favorite.”

“Yes, but I had a very large dinner,” she explained, “And I’m not really hungry… but thank you…”

Discouraged, Frank had stood there helplessly for a moment, then said, “Well… at least take the card!” And he’d reached into the package and pulled out a clearly homemade chocolate frog card that featured a wizarding photograph of Ali herself. Most Beautiful Witch in Gryffindor the title said beneath her name, and the biography red off a great many of her most wonderful traits - including her bubbling personality and bright smile - and ended with: In December of 1973, Ali Prewitt said yes to attending the Yule Ball with Frank Longbottom.

Ali looked up, laughing and jumped from her seat, flinging her arms around Frank’s neck. “Of course I’ll go!” she cried, and she kissed his cheeks ‘til his skin was patched with pink from her lipgloss and he waddled back to his dorm with a stupid grin on his face as he went, clutching the place her lips had touched with a sigh.

“Whipped,” Sirius coughed, “Totally whipped.”

Now, as the day was approaching very fast, the remaining upper years were running about frantically, worrying about how it would look if they showed up at the Ball in singles. This meant that the Gryffindor Common Room had become a hotbed for flirtatious activity.

“Look at’em, all sweaty and nervous,” Sirius said, sitting on the steps looking over the common room below. James sat beside him. “The great lot of them, like a bunch of turkeys.”

James snickered. “That’ll be us next year mate.”

“Bloody hell,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “Won’t be me!”

“Sure it will. You and - what - Marlene McKinnon? Is that who you’re making eyes at lately?”

Sirius laughed, “Sure. Marlene McKinnon’s alright.” He pressed his face to the rungs of the bannister. “And you’ll be going with Evans, of course.”

“Of course.”

“You’ll probably have announced your engagement by then, yeah?” Sirius asked, punching James in the shoulder.

“Probably,” James nodded.

Sirius snickered, “Always the hopeful one, aren’t you?”

“I try.” James looked over to where Lily sat on the floor by the fire with Remus. They were tucked into the corner, flipping through the History of Magic book. It looked like Lily was reading the book out loud while Remus laid on the floor, his head resting on her knees. “Remus isn’t back with Lily, is he?” James asked, concerned.

Sirius looked over and shrugged, “I dunno. Why should I know? Do I look like Remus Lupin’s keeper?”

James looked at Sirius, surprised, “Well you and Rey get along the most. I didn’t know if maybe he’d told you something --”

“I don’t get along the most with Remus!” Sirius said, “You’re my best friend, James, obviously you are the one I get along with most. Remus is my friend, sure, but --”

James interrupted, “You’ve been acting very odd.”

“What?” Sirius stammered.

“Does this have anything to do with that fight you had with Evan Rosier?” James asked. “Seems that’s about when you started acting funny about Rey.”

Sirius shook his head, “I dunno what you’re talking about, mate, but you’re mad.”

James nodded, “Right. Look, Sirius, none of us think you’re gay, alright. And the rumors stopped anyhow.” And as far as James and Sirius knew, they really had. Nobody had dared say a thing to Sirius himself. He’d more than proven his willingness to hex anyone that dared.

Sirius sighed. “I know.”

“So stop being odd.”

“I can’t help it,” Sirius said, relenting, “ I don’t know how to fix it. I just dunno. But I’ll figure it out. I’ll work on it. I think the holidays will be good, we’ll be apart from Remus and all the idiots that were saying all that stuff and I can reset my brains and everything’ll be fine after. You’ll see.”

James sighed.

Suddenly the portrait hole door swung open and Annalee McKinnon came running into the room, looking around frantically to see where Lily was, and dashed over to the fireplace. “Lily!” she cried, “You’ve got to come downstairs. Quickly. You aren’t ever going to believe what he’s done now!” Annalee turned and bolted back to the portrait hole.

“Who’s done what?” Lily asked, confused.

“Just c’mon!!” Annalee replied.

Lily sighed and struggled to her feet, “You wanna come? We can go to the library and find out more about Edgar the Evil after I see whatever it is Annalee’s on about,” she offered.

“Alright,” Remus agreed, and he followed her out.

“Where are they off to then?” James asked, perking up to see Remus and Lily leaving the common room.

Sirius got up, “Let’s see, shall we?”

So they followed along behind Lily, Remus, and Annalee as the group of them ran down the stairs and out onto the turrets that looked down over the courtyard before the Bell Towers, right at the foot of Ravenclaw Tower. “Where are we going?” Lily demanded, still carrying the History of Magic book that she and Remus had been reading together in the common room, “What’s so important that -- Oh my stars.”

She’d just stepped up to the edge of the wall and looked down over the courtyard. Remus, James, and Sirius all followed and Sirius let out a hoot of laughter. The snow in the courtyard had been masterfully dyed to a portrait of Pandora Jenkins - a ridiculously good one, too - and at the bottom, in bold red letters that seemed to twinkle in the afternoon sun, was the question that everyone had been asking everyone else all week.

WILL YOU GO TO THE YULE BALL WITH ME?

“Oh no. This has got to be Xenophilius’s work!” said Lily, smacking her hand to her forehead. She looked at Annalee, “Does Pandy know yet?”

“Marlene went to get her when I went to get you,” Annalee said. “I was hoping we’d get back before she saw! Her reaction is going to be priceless.”

Sirius elbowed James, “Take notes, mate, maybe you can do this next year.” He winked.

“Shut it,” James hissed.

Down in the courtyard, Marlene and Pandora were just coming out of the door at the base of Ravenclaw Tower and Pandora’s jaw dropped and her hands went to her cheeks as she looked across the painting in the snow. She stared at it, wide eyed, positively mortified.

Then there was Xenophilius Lovegood, coming from the wide doors that led off to the Transfiguration wing, clutching a wide bouquet of some sort of plant with long green shoots and a dark purple and white bulb at the end, like some sort of turnip. It had great white flowers at the top of the stalks and he held it so that the bulbs stuck out below his fists. He walked slowly towards her, in a most dramatic fashion, his long white hair reflecting the sun. “PANDORA JENKINS… YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WITCH IN ALL OF THE HISTORY OF HOGWARTS… YOU ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE RARE CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK! AND I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE BREATH ITSELF!” he cried out, “PLEASE GO TO THE YULE BALL WITH ME!” And with a flourish, he knelt down in the snow before her, holding out the funny turnip plant to her, the most desperate look of adoration on his face.

Pandora was as red as she stared down at him.

James, Sirius, Remus, Lily, and Annalee were not the only ones looking on. There was also Marlene McKinnon, and Emmaline Vance, along with half the students of Ravenclaw. There were several clusters of Hufflepuffs and Slytherins, too, and James could see Frank Longbottom across the way, standing and looking over the wall, too, with Andy Woodhouse and Carly Shaw.

“GO ON PANDORA, SAY YES FOR ONCE!” bellowed Quentin Vane from a window, which he was leaning out to see what would happen.

Pandora’s face turned even redder, if that was possible. At very last, after a horribly long pause, Pandora stammered, “Okay. But as - just as friends.”

Xenophilius looked like he might pass out. He’d not planned for what to do if she said yes. The look was clear on his face that he’d been instantly filled with panic and absolute euphoria. He thrust the turnips at her and she took them and smiled awkwardly around at everyone, “Alright go on, back to your own business, then!” she called, “Show’s over.”

Sirius and James were on their way back up to the dormitory when Sirius elbowed James, “That’s how you’re going to be if Evans ever says yes,” he declared, doing a horrible impression of the expression on Xenophilius’s face, his tongue lolling out and eyes crossed as he pretended to trip over himself to hand James an imaginary turnip plant.

James shoved him, “Cut it out, you arse!” he said, “First off, it is not an if it is a when - Evans will cave and she will fall madly, deeply, hopelessly in love with me. There’s no doubting it. Second, I won’t look so stupid about it because it won’t be a surprise. When she finally says yes to me, I’m going to look her right in the face and say, ‘It’s about bloody time,’ and then we’ll snog ‘til our faces are chaffed.”

Sirius laughed so hard that he snorted.

They were just passing McGonagall’s office and Sirius paused, a smirking grin on his face and he turned to the nearest suit of armor and waved his wand, a twinkle in his eyes.

“Jingle bells, Snivellus smells, Slytherins make me sick…”

He grinned. “That’ll give ol’ McGonagall something to do...”

“She’s gonna give you a detention,” James warned.

Sirius grinned, “She thinks it’s funny, she just won’t admit it. C’mon.”

“Something-something… Voldemort can suck my ---”

“MR. BLACK! WHAT have I told you about this ridiculous song!?”

“Run!” Sirius laughed and he and James hauled off down the hall and into the Trophy Room Passageway to escape without getting caught.