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The Key Purveyor of Magical Mischief-Making


“Alright. The third floor turns slightly slower than the fifth. So in order to time it just right - we must hit the fifth floor landing at the very last possible moment before it disconnects from the fourth floor landing or else we’ll miss the third floor.” Sirius said. He stood poised at the top of the seventh floor landing for the moving staircases. “If we time it that way, we’ll catch the third floor just in time to go straight on to the second and we’ll be perfect from there because the first floor will be turning to the Defense wing by the time we reach it. Now we just need to hope nobody gets on the staircase ‘til we’re done or else it’ll be like bocce.”

James nodded, “Candlestick bowling.” He laughed and clutched the rope they’d tried ‘round the front of the thin mattress they’d stolen from one of the cots in the lobby of the hospital wing.

Sirius ran and got on the mattress behind James and clutched his shoulders. “Ready?” he asked, straining to peer down at the fifth floor to see the moving staircases’s progression.

“Ready,” James nodded. He pulled the quidditch goggles that sat on his head down over his eyes.

“Set?” Sirius asked.

James’s fists tightened on the rope.

“GO!”

They plunged forward, thumping along the first couple steps then the mattress picked up speed and James pulled on the rope a bit tighter, creating a smoother ride and they swept down the staircases. “WHOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!” Sirius screamed excitedly as the wind rushed through his long hair and James laughed loudly. “IT’S WORRRRRRKKKKIIIIIINNNNNNG!” Sirius’s voice was a blur as they soared down the seventh and sixth floors, caught the fifth floor exactly as he’d said and James tugged the rope to put a spin on their progression down the fourth to catch the edge of the third floor as they’d planned… it turned and they zipped down two and one and swoosh right down the Defense corridor, just as Sirius had suspected, coming to a skidding stop as James lowered the rope to create friction on the carpet, right at the foot of one of the silver suits of armor.

The armor was bellowing out Voldy the Snowman, another of Sirius’s classic Christmas carols.

Sirius jumped up, knees a bit gelatinous from the thrill of the ride and stumbled, laughing loudly, “Oh bloody hell that was absolutely brilliant!” he hooted. “I like sledding.”

James grabbed the rope and jumped up from the mattress, too. “Let’s give it another go.”

“YES!” Sirius cried, “A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” They dragged the mattress back to the staircases and ran back up them, the mattress thumping along on the steps behind. They passed a couple Hufflepuff girls that looked at the mattress suspiciously as the two boys ran between them, but they decided it was best not to ask and continued on their way quickly, ignoring James and Sirius.

“Marauders, Marauders! What is the Marauders of Hogwarts up to todaaaay?” sang Peeves, coming zooming up from the fifth floor corridor as they passed.

“We’re up to no good, Peeves!” Sirius replied enthusiastically.

“Yeah, Peeves, no good,” James agreed.

Peeves flipped so he hung upside down, grinning and eyes glistening with glee. “But do you solemnly swears it?”

“Peeves, we solemnly swear we are up to no good!” James said, nodding.

“VERY WELL!” Peeves did several loops around the whole staircase quite quickly, “Then this action is approved by Peevesy! Potter and Black, Blackier and Pottier - Not sure which one’s naughtier!” He sang, cackling and clapping, “Up to something in the corridor - not sure which one’s horribler!”

“I am!” they both said at once, then, “No, he is!” They laughed as they reached the top of the seventh floor landing and reboarded their mattress sled, this time Sirius in the front. He grabbed hold on the reins and James climbed on behind him and Peeves watched with interest, twisting and spinning in the air above them.

“GO!” shouted James when the moment was right and off they went, sliding down the stairwell once more.

“Oh this is delightful! DELIGHTFUL!” cackled Peeves, zipping to fly right over them the whole way down.

Or at least until the third floor landing.

There stood McGonagall, her hands on her hips.

“Oh hell.” Sirius grabbed the reins and pulled up very hard trying to stop their progression, not wanting to bowl over McGonagall. They only just barely managed to stop the mattress, a matter of three steps between them and the Professor’s knees. She stared at them. “Happy Christmas Eve, Professor!” Sirius called out cheerily, as though she had discoverd them doing nothing less innocent than a game of Exploding Snap or Gobstones. “Are you having a wonderful day today?”

Peeves was soaring, not watching where he was going, and he passed right through her, giving her a chill. When he saw what he’d done and that the boys were sure to get in trouble Peeves sang out, “Best of luck!!!” and soared down a hall.

McGonagall stared at the mattress, at James and Sirius’s windblown hair and thrill-soaked faces that, despite the fact that they were trying very hard to look remorseful, looked only filled with laughter. She took a deep breath. “Do be careful,” she said thickly, struggling to suppress her amusement, “We wouldn’t want you to go tumbling off the edge of one of the landings to your demise. Mr. Filch would be most angry at the mess.” She stepped around them and continued up the stairwell.

They watched her go, silent, not daring to speak, certain if they did she’d turn back around and assign them each detention.

When she’d turned the corner onto the floor above and was gone, James hooted, “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!”

“Bloody hell did you see how her lips twitched? She was practically fighting the urge to jump on board and ride with us,” Sirius cackled.

“Professor Minney loves us,” James said. “We could get away with bloody anything, I reckon, if she wasn’t required to punish us by Dumbledore.”

“Bloody hell, what’re you talking about?” Sirius laughed, “I’ll bet Dumbledore would have jumped on board!”

“Could you see his beard if he did? It would flap over his shoulder like a banner.” James waved his arm in imitation.

Sirius laughed so hard he rolled off the mattress and down the three steps to the landing, tears of humor in his eyes.

“You know, the good part of this encounter is that now we can do this as long as we wish without getting in trouble! If McGonagall isn’t going to punish us, there’s nobody else who will do!” James said, “C’mon, let’s start from the top!”

However, they quickly discovered that some of the deliciousness of sledding down the moving staircase was lost when they were allowed to do it and soon they’d abandoned the mattress at the foot of the suit of armor and were frolicking along through the castle, keen to find some new thing to get into. They’d been constantly up to something since the end of term, and hardly spent any time at all in the dormitory.

The whole castle was a playground and they’d made sure to have a blast of it.

They’d made parachutes from sheets they stole from the laundry room chute and jumped out over the courtyard at the foot of Ravenclaw tower, one doing the jumping, aiming their wands up into the sheet, blowing hot air up into the billowing cloth while the other ran below, ready to perform the arresto momentum should the sheets prove to be less than parachutey enough… Which it had almost instantly and it was a miracle they hadn’t broken anything - Madam Hooch had found them and given them a stern talking to.

There was also the day that they took it in turns to walk about the castle playing a game of seek and find, hiding objects all about the school in odd places and then setting off to find them all. This hadn’t been specifically disapproved of until they’d hidden a red rubber ball in a bowl of fruit and Professor Veigler had attempted to bite into it, thinking it was an apple and gotten a most horrible surprise indeed.

“Probably woke up his dog instincts,” Sirius had said with a laugh, “Biting into a red rubber ball.”

“Why do you say that?” James asked.

“Red rubber balls are nearly irresistible to dogs, aren’t they?” Sirius had asked.

James had smirked and thrown the ball down the empty corridor and Sirius had grinned, taken off running, changing to Snuffles mid-way down the hall, and caught the ball before it reached the end, bounding playfully back to James with the ball in his teeth. He turned back to a boy on his way back, still carrying the ball in his mouth, only to spit it into James’s palm.

The holidays were passing quickly in this fashion of pure mayhem and madness. It was already Christmas Eve and there was to be a feast in the Great Hall that night. Hagrid had been seen carrying in bags of crackers from Hogsmeade the day before and Sirius was looking forward to pulling a few.

They were on their way down to the Great Hall for the feast and Sirius was nearly bouncing off the walls with hyperactivity. “Come all ye good guys! Not plotting evil in disguise oh come let us abhor him oh come let us abhoooor him oh come let us abhor hiiiim -- Voolllll-ollll-de-moooooooort!”

James laughed and made the sound of the music to go along with Sirius’s song, imitating a piano’s dramatic dips and flare. He couldn’t help but think, though, as he watched Sirius Black dancing his way down the stairs, that this sudden bout of hyperactivity had begun the day of the fight with Evan Rosier on the pitch - as though Sirius had been supercharged with nervous energy that he was trying to expel. James wondered what about the encounter might’ve caused this sudden outpouring of spastic activity in his friend… He would’ve asked, but he had a feeling Sirius would either deny it altogether or else not even be aware of the fact that he was doing it at all...

They’d arrived to the Great Hall in the mean time, Sirius having gone on for several long verses. He’d saved his big finish for their arrival to the table. They approached the one large banquet in the center of the room that seemed to stretch on and on and on across the Great Hall, in leiu of the four house tables, and Sirius splayed wide his arms, bellowing out in a warbling, Pavoratti voice, “OHHHH COOOOOME LET US ABHORRRRR HIIII-IIIIIIIM………..VOLLLLLLLL-OLLLLLLL-DE-MORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!”

Dumbledore, who was sitting at the head of the table, laughed and clapped his hands, “Another very creative carol from our key purveyor of magical mischief-making.”

“Thank you… thank you,” Sirius said as a couple other students followed Dumbledore’s lead and clapped for the enthusiastic - although off key - performance. “I’m here all term to sign autographs. Speak to my manager here, James Potter.” He waved his palms at James.

The feast was positively incredible, as usual, and they ate gobs of gooey caramel apple crumbles and drank steins of warm mint chocolate drinks and several large roast turkeys with piles of dressing and green beans. James got a big red clown nose in his cracker and Sirius a water squirting flower lapel pin that went into instant use so that soon James was laughing as water sprayed into his face as Sirius snickered. Newt Scamander had a surprise for the group, opening his suitcase to produce an arm full of puffskiens that made the girls all squeal with delight at their mustard-coloured fur as they cuddled up into their necks and pipped with happiness at the affection. And at the very end, Dumbledore himself presented each person at the table with a very large chocolate bar and a peppermint wand and bid them all off to bed for the next day was actual Christmas and he would be hosting another feast the next evening.

“Perhaps Mr. Black will teach us some of his delightful carols to sing,” he suggested.

“SURE!” said Sirius, “Have you heard the one that goes Jingle bells, Snivellus smells, Sly--”

“MR. BLACK!” McGonagall snapped, interrupting.

Dumbledore was chuckling, “Yes, Sirius, I do believe we’ve all heard that one from one or two of the suits of armor about the castle.”

Sirius grinned.

James and Sirius ran back up the stairs to the dormitories, where they jumped on the beds and ate their chocolate bars and played at sword fighting with their peppermint wands. It was late before they fell into their beds, snuggling into their blankets, and James had soon fallen fast asleep.

Sirius, though, laid awake, staring out the window at the moon that hung in the sky, partially obscured by clouds. He took a deep breath, feeling the energy and the jokes of the day just melting from him, as though he were deflating, leaving behind just a lingering feeling that he couldn’t quite identify.

He wondered what Remus was doing right at that very moment.