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Meteolojinx


The Slytherins struck back at dinner in the Great Hall that night.

Filch had finally gone to Dumbledore for help around mid-morning, who had cleared away the swamp outside the Slytherin common room straight off. The Slytherin students were, of course, excused for missing the first sessions of their classes in the morning, but that didn’t expunge their hunger for revenge - especially not from Evan Rosier, who was very good at holding grudges.

All the students were gathered about eating their food. The Ravenclaws were discussing books and speaking in multiple languages for fun at their table, while the Hufflepuffs chatted happily and played word games as they ate, and the Gryffindor table was a ruckus of shouting about the match that would be played next night (though Sirius, James, and Lily looked quite despondent about all the excitement, given that they weren’t playing). The Slytherins, however, were banded around Evan, who had become the unofficial leader of the revenge against Gryffindor. He sat, facing their table, grinning, waiting for just the right moment for the plan to be enacted.

Trying to ignore the talk of Quidditch, James was goofing off with Sirius, and they were sword fighting with stalks of celery stolen from the platter in the center of the table, sending flecks of the juice flying about the air. Suddenly, with a strike from James, Sirius’s celery stick flew out of his hand and hit a passerby in the side of the head. “Sorry mate, watch out for flying vegetables - always a danger ‘round us, you know,” Sirius said, smiling. He turned about to see Severus Snape, kicking the celery stalk away. “Blimey, didn’t know it was you Snivellus, I would’ve thrown it a bit harder.” His eyes twinkled.

“Aren’t you amusing.” Severus sneered, then he hastened over to Lily, “C’mon, let’s go for a walk.”

“Now?” Lily asked.

“Yes. Right now.” Severus grabbed her hand and pulled her out of her bench. Lily abandoned her not-even-half-finished dinner, following after Severus with gooey eyes as he led her out of the Great Hall.

James watched them go. “Didn’t even let her finish her dinner!” he said, annoyed by Severus’s mere existence, “Look at that, she wasn’t even close to done. She’s got to starve.”

Quickly, Sirius retrieved his celery stick and promptly whacked his friend over the head with it. “Oi. James, earth to James.”

“Hey watch out for the hair!”

“You were being distracted,” Sirius accused.

“Sorry,” James said, “Just I don’t think he’s very good for her is all.”

“Of course you don’t, he’s your competition. You’re not supposed to think he’s good for her,” Sirius answered, slashing at James with the celery again. “Are you going to fight me or do you forfeit?”

“I already unarmed you,” James said.

“But you didn’t kill me so I rearmed myself.” He wagged the celery at James.

“Well that’s stupid!” James announced. “How am I supposed to kill you with a celery stick?”

“That’s how celery sword fighting works, you prat. You have to go for the kill or else the other guy’s gonna just grab his sword again. UNGUARD!” Sirius hit James again.

“You’re mental!” James cried and he turned back and hit Sirius’s stalk with his own, resuming the sword fight.

Remus had watched all this in silence. He turned to pay more attention to his dinner.

It was then there came a loud rumbling like thunder. It was loud enough that it shook the goblets on the table and made the plates clatter against one another.

Peter looked up.

A thundercloud was forming over the Gryffindor table, large and thick and black, swirling and menacing as it stretched and coiled. “What the bloody hell?” Sirius asked, distracted by the cloud and lowering his celery stick sword.

James stabbed him in the chest with his celery. “There, you’re dead,” he said. “I win.”

A crack of lightning ripped across the ceiling, flashing bright white. Peter dove under the table and Frank Longbottom leaped from the bench, drawing his wand. The cloud broke then and an absolute downpour began, soaking the Gryffindors, washing carrots and peas across the wood table top, spilling over onto the floor. Their robes clung to them, and they shouted in shock as the cold water soaked through to their skin.

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?” James shouted, his hair flat to his forehead in strands.

McGonagall and Dumbledore were on their feet at the front of the room, Hagrid staring on with wide, surprised eyes. Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs turned around to see what was happening as the Gryffindors shouted, the girls shrieking and trying to run away from the downpour, only to have the cloud break apart into pieces and follow them as they tried to escape.

At the Slytherin table, they were falling over each other with laughter, hooting and hollering as they watched the clouds attacking the Gryffindors and the way a majority of the house scattered away from the table. James waved his arms up over his head to block the rain soaking his head as the table’s edges turned into waterfalls. Sirius stood up on the bench, laughing, arms spread wide, his white uniform shirt clinging to his chest and becoming nearly transparent as he stared up at the rain cloud bursting overhead. Remus’s eyes were wide.

Sirius cackled and looked over at the Slytherin table, “You lot… you lot!” He pointed at Evan Rosier.

Dumbledore was running from the front of the room, waving his wand, “Meteolojinx recanto!” he cried, waving the wand and the storm evaporated as quickly as it had come on.

“SLYTHERINS, WE AREN’T DONE!” Sirius laughed manically. He looked positively insane, all dripping wet and shouting as he was.

“Down from that bench, Mr. Black,” called Dumbledore, snapping his fingers and pointing to the floor. Sirius jumped down obediently, his trainers splashing in the ponding water beneath the table. Peter came out from under the table, just as soaked as the rest of them, frowning profusely. Dumbledore looked around the room, but the Slytherins had collected themselves quite quickly and were now trying very hard to look quite as surprised as the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws.




“Bleedin’ gits…” James was staring in the mirror, “Messing up my hair…”

“He says as his idea of styling it is messing it up,” Peter laughed.

James fret over it, swiping his fingers through the strands frantically.

Sirius was pouring over a stack of spellbooks from the library, desperately trying to find something that would out do the thunderstorm over the dinner table trick the Slytherins had pulled. “There’s got to be something…” he complained.

Remus was working on putting the finishing touches to an essay for McGonagall’s class. “If you do something back, they’re just going to do something else to us… and then you’re gonna do something… and they will… and -- how does it end?” He looked up from the parchment on his bed.

“It ends with the ruddy Slytherins apologizing for being gits,” Sirius replied.

Remus sighed and rolled the parchment up carefully, “They’re never going to do that.”

“Then I s’pose it never ends,” Sirius shrugged.

Remus frowned.

“C’mon, buck up, Moony,” Sirius said, “We’re doing this for you!”

James was still poking at his hair, “And for Evans,” he added.

“And for squibs,” Peter said.

“And all the half-bloods and muggleborns in the world,” Sirius added. “It’s a revolution. And it starts here. By us…” he opened to a random page in the first textbook he grabbed and his eyes lit up. “Guys, this one’s actually pretty spiffing. Have a look!” And he turned the book around for the others to see. James leaped over his trunk to peer upon it and Peter squinted from his bed. Even Remus gave in and got up to look over James’s shoulder. Sirius grinned happily, “What do you lot think?”

Remus looked up, “I think you’re mental.”

“Someone who’s not a downer wanna weigh in?” Sirius asked, looking at Peter and James as Remus looked quite offended.

“What are you going to do with that?” asked Peter, confused, “I don’t think I understand…?”

“I do,” James said, eyes twinkled. “And I think that it’s perfection.”




Operation Salazaramander commenced at 2:00 in the morning. Sirius awoke his troops, and they gathered their wands and the invisibility cloak. “This is a really bad idea,” Remus said, as Sirius emptied out his bookbag onto his bed, replacing his books with a pair of dragon hide quidditch gloves, of all things, one of their cauldrons. Because of the charms on the bag, it didn’t bulge, of course, but it was still heavy and he grunted a bit as he slung it over his shoulder. “Like a really bad idea,” Remus continued, ”They’re going to know it was us and get us back and they’re a lot more cunning than we are, and…”

“Reeeyyyyy,” Sirius drawled, throwing his arm over Remus’s shoulder and squeezing, “You gotta calm down, mate, you’re worrying way too much.”

“I can’t help it - you realize that you’re setting yourself up for a war, don’t you?” Remus demanded.

Peter shivered. “Guys, maybe Rey’s right?”

James rolled his eyes, “Not you too! Don’t go back to being a coward, Peter! You’ve been doing so good! Be brave, like me and Sirius.”

Peter looked torn.

“This isn’t brave,” Remus said, “It’s insane.”

Sirius giggled maniacally.

Remus looked at him with one eyebrow raised. Why the hell do I like him for? Remus wondered. “Sirius…”

“Remus, Remus, Remus… they’ve earned this, really.”

There was clearly no talking them out of it - well, other than maybe Peter, but after James’s admonition even Peter was gung-ho on the execution of the plan so as not to be seen as a coward. So Remus sighed and helped pull on the invisibility cloak and followed along as they pulled out the Marauder’s Map and started on their way through the castle, waving about the corridors.

“Good evening Sneaky Snoopy Sirius,” sing-songed Peeves as they reached the stairs by the entrance door and Sirius pulled off the cloak to open the door.

“Peeves, we solemnly swear we’re up to no good, now leave us alone,” Sirius announced, “Before Filch comes along and busts us.”

Peeves cackled and dangled upside down, clutching his ankles, grinning and floating alongside them. “We? Who else is hiding there with you? Is it Potty-wee-Potter?”

James pulled the cloak off the rest of them, “We’re all up to no good, Peeves!”

“Yeah… against the Slytherins!” hissed Peter, “You’ll be right proud! Utter chaos!”

Peeves clapped, “And Petey Peter Petty-grew! And Loony, Loopy Lupin! Ah the gang’s all here!” He spun in circles clapping.

“Peeves, you’re going to get us caught,” said Remus, looking away up the stairs and glancing at the map. Filch wasn’t coming their way, exactly, but he wasn’t far off and if Peeves’s voice carried… “You’ve got to shut it.”

Peeves snickered, “I wouldn’t ever get my favoritest students caught! I’LL DISTRACT FILCHY FOR YOU!” He saluted Sirius as though he were an admiral and he zoomed off.

“Good,” Sirius said, “I hadn’t really planned on that but if he wants to distract Filch for us, then blimey let him have at it…” He pushed open the front door of the castle and they snuck out one by one and returned the invisibility cloak to cover themselves as they ran across the grounds towards Professor Kettleburn’s paddocks.

Alohamora,” Remus whispered, casting the spell to unlock the door of the paddock and they snuck inside, James lighting up his wand as they stepped into the darkness. They looked about for a moment, then Sirius grinned and pointed and the boys gathered around to look at the glowing forms of a tank full of scarlet and blue fire salamanders.

Sirius opened his bag and took out the gloves and cauldron.

James grinned. “Brilliant.”