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Talking Back


“I told him it was a bad idea, I knew it was, oh bloody hell I knew something would go wrong putting those firecrackers down that toilet. Why didn’t I insist he stop? Bloody hell.” James was muttering to himself, sick to his stomach, as he ran up the stairs, wringing his hands all the way. He arrived to the gargoyles in the fifth floor corridor and started pacing, continuing on in his muttering until Sirius and Dumbledore arrived several minutes later. Dumbledore waved his wand before he’d even reached the gargoyles and they didn’t even bother asking him for the password but leaped out of his way, revealing the door.

Sirius looked at James, tears were pouring down his face and James frowned. It was really bad, then, if even Sirius Black was crying like that. James wondered what Dumbledore had said as they’d climbed the stairs, if anything at all. He pictured him and Sirius living as muggles out in the world. At least they’d be expelled together, he thought. If he had to go through struggling through life living as a muggle, there was nobody he’d rather suffer through it with than Sirius Black. Even if it was his fault they were being expelled in the first place.

They reached the office door at the top of the tower. Dumbledore waved his wand again to open that door and ushered them both inside, pointing to the chairs facing his desk and the two boys sat. Sirius kept his eyes on his shoes. James watched Dumbledore, though, who went across the room and stared out the window for a moment, rocking himself on the ball of his feet.

Finally, Dumbledore turned around, his face unreadable beneath his thick beard. James nudged Sirius and he looked up, his face stained with tear tracks. He swept his palms over his cheeks, trying to smudge them off. Dumbledore stepped behind the desk. “I’m not even going to ask how you managed to get a sack full of firecrackers into the school in the first place,” Dumbledore said quietly, “I am well aware that the students have managed to get a good many of the things on Filch’s strictly forbidden list through the doors. For the most part, I tend to look the other way as Filch’s annoyance with such things is much stronger than my own. However --” Dumbledore really emphasized the however, “ -- I should like to know what exactly possessed the pair of you to flush them down a toilet?”

James looked at Sirius, then back to Dumbledore and he said, quite diplomatically, “Well, they were heavy, sir, and we were trying to run away from Filch and we had to get rid of them.”

The headmaster sat down in his chair at this and stared at them. “So you flushed them down a toilet?”

James murmured, “We didn’t know what else to do…”

Dumbledore sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked up finally and he said, “How many firecrackers?”

“Seventeen,” whispered Sirius.

“Seventeen firecrackers!” Dumbledore murmured, shaking his head. He paused. “What, may I ask, were you doing out of bed, wandering the corridors, carrying about seventeen firecrackers to begin with?” James and Sirius looked at one another but before they’d figured out how to answer, Dumbledore asked, “Does this have anything to do with the Slytherins having hexed Remus Lupin?”

Unable to hold back at this, Sirius said, “YES! And if you’re going to expel someone it ought to be Evan-bleedin’-Rosier for THAT, not us for a MISTAKE!” He pointed at the headmaster, standing up, on a roll now, “You sit here in your high tower watching over everything, you say, and you step in when it’s - it’s convenient for you to, but there’s a lot going on out there and honestly a couple firecrackers would serve them right for the bloody hate they go splashing about! We didn’t mean to clog up the toilet. We meant to blow up the bloody Slytherins for calling Remus a puffer fish and written faggot across his back. You’re as bad as he is if you let him get away with having written those slurs across Rey’s back! You pompous old gay hater!”

James’s eyes were as wide and filled with terror as he looked up at Sirius.

Silence fell and Sirius stood there, pointing, waiting for Dumbledore to say something, but the headmaster stayed silent long enough that Sirius’s stance became more awkward than commanding and he slowly sat himself back down, eyes burning with a fiery anger. “Well aren’t you going to even try and deny it?” he demanded.

Dumbledore cleared his throat, “I wasn’t sure if you were quite finished talking back just yet.”

“I’m finished,” Sirius said. “Go ahead and expel me, I don’t give a bleeding hippogriff if you do!”

James bit his lips.

Dumbledore said, “Well I’m very sorry to disappoint you and your bleeding hippogriff but I have no intention of expelling either of you.”

“You - you don’t?” Sirius looked surprised.

“No. As you said, it was a mistake clogging the toilet - a very stupid, quite avoidable mistake, but a mistake none the less,” Dumbledore said, “And I agree that if I were to expel anyone in this little war being waged between Gryffindor and Slytherin it would certainly be the boys responsible for the slur stamped across Master Lupin’s back. But expelling a boy for being naive is not the answer, either. Stupidity cannot be fixed by lack of education. Our greatest hope at revenge against the boys that are being cruel to Mr. Lupin is that they will one day learn the difference between right and wrong and feel properly ashamed for the things they’ve done. No punishment that I can serve will be as effective as that in curing their bigotry.”

Sirius looked away.

“As for me being a pompous old gay hater, well, I’m quite sorry to disappoint you once again, Mr. Black, but I am not a gay hater. Old and pompous, you may have me with those adjectives, but I will not tolerate being accused of hatred.” Dumbledore’s voice was firm.

“Sorry, sir,” Sirius said.

Dumbledore said, “I want this war over, now, before somebody ends up hurt. I have heard about the coloflame and the fire salamanders and the vinegar, the swamp, the thunderstorm, and finally the slurs. I told Mr. Lupin that I would be taking care on the situation from here. There will be no need for you to procure any further Filibuster’s in whatever means you have have had to do so. If there is any further mischief in this… battle… then we shall need to revisit one another here following and reexamine my feelings on expulsion at that time. Do I make myself clear?”

“Very,” James nodded.

Sirius thought of all the Filibusters stuck to the bottom of the Slytherin table. “Yes sir,” he murmured.

Dumbledore nodded, “Now, as punishment for the crime, you will be helping us in remedying the situation. If you would both please go and change into something a bit more appropriate for cleaning - your school uniforms need not be covered in much - then we shall reconvene in ten minutes’ time by the edge of the lake on the grounds.” He waved at the door.

“Yes sir,” they said in a chorus. Sirius and James rushed for the door before Dumbledore could change his mind about the expelling. He sat, staring at the door for several long moments, until he was sure they were out of earshot.

“Letting them get away with such a thing!” Phineas Nigellus’s voice echoed from behind Dumbledore, where the portrait of the old Hogwarts headmaster hung. “Never would’ve done in my day. It would’ve been the dungeons with them until their parents could floo up to collect them!”

“Ah yes, Phineas, I am sure of it,” Dumbledore said, “You’ve often reminded me how much softer a headmaster I am than you were.”

“Very true!” sniffed Phineas.

Dumbledore got up and went over to the window, staring down at the lake and he shivered.




“I can’t believe you said those things to Dumbledore!” James said, “The balls you’ve got!”

Sirius shrugged, “I figured I didn’t have a thing to lose at that point.”

“I thought for sure he was going to explode,” James said, “But he was so ruddy calm about it!”

“I know, it was sort of creepy,” Sirius answered.

“What do you reckon he wants us at the edge of the lake for?” James speculated as they walked up to Gryffindor tower at a much more normal pace than either of them had used for getting to the Headmaster’s Office.

“Dunno,” Sirius replied.

They reached the dormitory and got their muggle clothes out of their trunks. Sirius was already wearing his jeans, but he didn’t know what they would be encountering and he didn’t want to ruin his Rolling Stones t-shirt somehow, so he dug through until he’d come up with a plain white undershirt and tugged that on instead. James put on similar clothes, though his jeans were far more conservative, lacking the rips and tears across the knee and shin like Sirius’s had. They left their robes and ties on their beds and Sirius looked over the masterpiece that was his hair a moment in the mirror, “I just know it’s going to get messed up,” he lamented.

Students were coming out of the Great Hall, holding their noses as they passed through the entrance hall, on the way to the grounds. Remus spotted them and he pulled Peter over, catching them up just as they stepped out the front doors of the castle. “WAIT!” Remus cried, desperately, “NO! You can’t be leaving. Did he seriously expel you?” he looked terrified.

Sirius shook his head, “No he didn’t, but we’re supposed to meet him by the lake.”

“Whatever for?” Peter asked.

Remus looked at Sirius with only slightly less worry than he had before.

“Dunno,” James replied, “Guess we’ll see.”

“Please be careful,” Remus begged.

“We’ll be fine,” Sirius said, “We’ll be back up to the dorm in no time.”

Remus and Peter followed the crowd going up the stairs, Remus staring back at Sirius. Sirius stared up at him, their eyes locked as the two boys disappeared up to the second floor and on to the stairwell. He didn’t look away until Remus was completely out of sight, then he turned back to James, who was watching him. “C’mon,” he said.

The two of them trudged across the grounds. The mud still held footprints from their earlier games and Sirius thought about how much he’d been gloating about the lack of consequences from flushing the firecrackers down the loo and how Remus had been right, once again - as usual. He really needed to start listening to Rey, he reminded himself.

Dumbledore was waiting by the side of the lake. It was odd seeing the headmaster out of his magenta robes, but he was wearing a pair of muggle shorts and a brightly patterned shirt. Sirius could hardly believe what he was looking at - it was just so odd seeing Dumbledore like that. He was in the process of tucking his beard over his shoulder and down the back of his shirt as they approached.

“There they are,” Dumbledore said, seeing them coming, “Marauders of Hogwarts, are you ready for a bit of exploratory swimming?”

James looked at the lake. “We’re going in there?” he asked.

“I knew my hair was going to be messed up,” muttered Sirius.

Dumbledore drew his wand from his pocket, “Marsupium dolor,” he said tapping Sirius’s head, and then James’s, “Marsupium dolor.” Suddenly, great round wavering mirages seemed to surround each of their heads. Dumbledore tapped his own head with the same incantation and he said, “Come, let us explore the damages done,” and he turned, walking right into the lake without even the slightest hesitation, disappearing below the surface.

“He’s mad,” mumbled James.

Sirius shrugged, and waded in after the headmaster. James followed. The water was cold - being the end of February - and Sirius shivered, hesitating, then decided it was best just to get it all bloody over with, and he took a deep breath, and dove into the water with a splash.

James rubbed his arms with wet palms, wishing he’d worn a jumper instead of the t-shirt. Sirius surfaced a moment later, “It’s warmer underneath,” he said, “And wait til you see what this charm does! It’s brilliant!” he disappeared back beneath the water.

So James took a deep breath, and dove in, too.