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Defender of the House Elves


“What do you reckon would happen if we filled a werewolf with helium?” Sirius’s voice whispered in Remus’s ear, the invisibility cloak clutched around him as he shuffled along after the other three into the Great Hall. James was doing an excellent job at pretending to be just as shocked as the other students were about the house tables hanging from the ceiling.

“He’d sound funny when he talked,” Remus answered under his breath.

“He’d also be able to get to his seat at the Gryffindor table,” Sirius snickered.

Remus suppressed the laugh that threatened to bubble out of his throat at this.

Frank looked up at the ceiling as he walked into the Great Hall, followed by Ali and Lily, and let out a guffaw. He looked at the boys, “How did you do it, then?” he asked without so much as a blink of hesitation.

“Do what? This? Us? Bloody hell, man, what do you think we are?” James asked, then… grin crawling about his mouth… “Geniuses?”

“Yes, actually, yes,” Frank replied.

Lily looked about the floor, which was covered with an image of billowing clouds and bright sunshine. “How did you lot do this? Is it seriously the whole castle, then?”

Peter nodded eagerly, “The whole castle!”

Ali snickered, “Merlin’s beard.”

Lily stared up at the tables. “Okay, geniuses,” she said, looking at James sideways, “How do we eat breakfast?”

Peter looked very panicked and turned to Remus, then James, then back to Remus, “GUYS… How DO we eat breakfast?!?”




It took the staff the better half of two days to get all the furniture down from the ceilings. So in the meantime, all the students had the fun adventure of picnic-style eating, sitting about the floor in the great hall while the house elves scurried about with little trays because when they tried to magically serve the food as they usually did it all went spilling to the floor in great gobs and splashes.

Alastor Moody stopped by where the Marauders were sitting on the floor on his way by during the dinner hour that night, his magical eye swiveling about as though analyzing the air around them. “I’ve heard you’re quite the little pranksters,” he grumbled, studying them with his stationary, real eye. “Heard Dumbledore himself has called you the key purveyors of magical mischief making.”

Remus, Peter, and James all exchanged glances. “Well, yeah I s’pose he has,” said James.

Moody’s magical eye roved up to the ceiling, then back down to the boys. “Do you know anything about that?”

James looked up at the ceiling, then back down to Moody. “About that?”

“Yes. About that.” Moody’s magical eye was still swirling about around them, as though… searching…

James shook his head, “No sir. I don’t know about that.”

“Are you absolutely certain, Potter, that you don’t know a single thing about… that?” Moody asked lowly.

James said, “Sir, are you suggesting that it was me who stuck the Gryffindor house table to the ceiling? Because you’re quite mistaken. I wasn’t the one who’s stuck the tables to the ceiling. Sir.”

Moody studied him.

“I solemnly swear it,” James said. And he wasn’t lying. After all, it’d been Sirius that had done the house tables.

James had just done the entire third and fourth floors of the castle. That’s all.

Definitely not the house tables, though.

Moody mused to himself a moment, then muttered lowly, “Best be on your best behavior, Mr. Potter… I’m keeping an eye on… and around… you.” He walked off, one arm behind his back, the other drawing a flask from his jacket pocket.

“Bloody hell,” murmured Peter, who was pale as could be. He clutched the plate he was balancing on his knee with one hand, the next bite of hash already on his fork. “He’s right terrifying. Did you see he’s missing part of his nose now? What do you reckon happened there?”

Remus looked at James. “He knows about Sirius,” he hissed.

“I think so, too,” James whispered.

“How would he know about Sirius?” Peter asked around a mouthful of hash, little bits of fried cabbage and potato dropping across his chin.

James said, “Did you see him looking around us? Do you reckon the magic eye can see invisible people?”

Remus whispered, “Leave it to bloody Moody to see invisible people!”

“Constant vigilance taken to new heights!” James hissed.

“Why would his magic eye see invisible people?” Peter asked stupidly.

James didn’t bother answering that, but instead dropped his half-empty plate onto a passing house elf’s tray and got up, rubbing his bum, which had gone numb from sitting on the stone floor of the Great Hall. “We gotta figure out something to do with Sirius.”

Remus nodded.

Peter asked, “We do?”

“Yes,” Remus said, “Before Moody catches us harboring him in our dormitory and we all end up in detentions or else expelled.” He, too, deposited his plate on another house elf’s tray and he got up. “But what do you reckon we do with him?”

James shrugged. “C’mon, Pete, we gotta go figure out where to hide Sirius, mate.”

Peter sighed and grabbed the last of his hash in a great fistful of greasy food and shoved it into his mouth before rushing after the other two out of the room.




“Elf! Pour me more pumpkin juice,” leered Evan Rosier, laying across Leah Dior’s lap, holding aloft a goblet as Toddy the house elf went by. Toddy, who, as head chef, was not one of the house elves serving, but simply observing to be sure all his food was being properly enjoyed hesitated, and looked around for a serving house elf -- but his pause was enough to anger Evan Rosier, who grabbed him by his Hogwarts-crested pillowcase-outfit. “Defying a wizard?”

“No mister student sir, Toddy is being head of the kitchens, he is not a serving elf, he is looking for a serving elf to serve your order, mister student sir!”

Evan drew his wand, “All elves are serving elves, that’s your bloody purpose!” and he quickly snatched the elf by the elbow and pressed the wand to Toddy’s rough skin and hissed, “Bolha.”

On the place where Evan’s wand touched, a great horrible blister suddenly burned into place and Toddy squeaked and squealed, struggling to get away as Evan held the wand against his skin and the blister grew and grew and Toddy’s little ears flapped desperately.

Leah Dior was giggling at the sight, “Look at him flap! Such funny creatures, house elves! You’d almost think they had feelings!”

Expelliarmus!” snapped Regulus, and Evan’s wand flipped out of his hand and into Regulus’s.

Evan looked up, his face stern with anger, “What in hell do you think you’re doing, Black?” he hissed.

“Stopping you from being a prat,” Regulus replied.

Evan released the elf’s arm and Toddy tripped to the floor, whimpering, and crawled behind Regulus Black’s legs as Evan Rosier stood up to tower over Regulus’s short frame, his eyes bearing down on Regulus. “What did you call me, Black?” he hissed.

Regulus grit his teeth, staring up at him, “I called you a prat, but there’s other words that describe you better. It’s just that, being a kid, and in public, I wouldn’t dare repeat them outloud as they’re not very polite and there are orcas parading as ladies present.” He shoved Evan's wand roughly back into his hand.

Leah gasped.

Evan leaned close, “Then whisper to me what it is you think I am and we’ll see if you walk away.”

Regulus swallowed back his nerves. “We’ll see if you walk away from it!” he said boldly. Where he got that boldness from, he had no idea for he certainly didn’t feel it.

Evan’s wand pressed to Regulus’s chest.

“I would still your tongue if I were you, Rosier. The Dark Lord doesn’t take kindly to idiots hexing his Death Eaters.”

Evan and Regulus both looked up at once to see Severus Snape, whose tall and narrow frame was at least vertically larger than theirs. Rosier raised his eyebrow, but he turned away from Regulus, muttering, “This isn’t over.”

“Fine by me. I’ll just be sure the Dark Lord hears about what a bloody nasty prick you are!” Regulus replied boldly and Evan took a step toward him menacingly.

Severus stepped between the two quickly. “Go, Evan. Or I’ll hex you myself and collect a note of appreciation from the Dark Lord,” hissed Severus.

Evan Rosier sneered at Regulus, then turned reluctantly, and went back to laying across Leah’s lap.

Severus grabbed Regulus’s arm and pulled him roughly from the room, into the entrance hall, slamming him into the wall by the trophy case containing the house cup. He turned to Regulus. “Next time, stand up for your own bloody self,” he hissed, getting right into Regulus’s face.

Regulus muttered, “I wasn’t even standing up for myself.” He moved his robes and revealed the shivering Toddy, his right arm covered with thick, oozing blisters. Toddy had clutched onto Regulus’s leg so tight that he wasn’t even left behind when Regulus had been dragged out of the entrance hall, his big ears covering his bulbous eyes.

Severus stared at the oozing house elf.

Regulus looked up at Severus with meaning.

Severus’s jaw set. “This is not the way to remain inconspicuous with the Dark Lord,” he murmured.

“Maybe this was more important,” Regulus said.

“Than your life?” Severus hissed.

“Maybe,” Regulus replied.

“Your life isn’t very important then, is it, boy?” Severus said darkly, and he turned to go back to the Great Hall, his thick hair falling over his eyes as he stormed away.

Regulus watched him go then turned to Toddy, gently disengaging the elf from ‘round his leg so the elf sat in the corner, back against the display case. Regulus bent down and drew his wand and the elf cowered, covering his face. “Let me see your arm,” Regulus demanded and the elf quivered as he held out his arm, clearly expecting some sort of mistreatment or punishment. Regulus touched his arm, “Episky,” Regulus whispered and the blister cooled and the skin began to heal itself before their eyes.

The elf was breathing quite heavy from the pain and the tears he had shed and he looked up at Regulus as the pain receded and his skin healed and he whispered, in awe, “Regulus Black…you is great… you is wonderful.”

“Shh,” Regulus whispered. “Go before you get me and you both in trouble.”

“Yes, Regulus Black, yes,” Toddy nodded, “Yes, I will go as you is saying but I is never be forgetting… you is great, Regulus Black, you is great.” Toddy bowed his head, his ears rolling regally, “If anything you is needing, you is be calling Toddy or any of Toddy’s serving elves and Toddy will be at the service of Regulus Black… the Defender of the House Elves.”

Regulus reddened as Toddy disappeared with a crack.