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Late Night Chatter


“Psst… Rey.” Remus sniffled in his sleep and rolled over a bit, his face smashed against the mirror, forming a sort of pig-nose as his nostrils smooshed on the glass, his breath steaming up the image. Sirius snickered, grinning and said, “Oi, Moony… it’s lucky you don’t have a load of bogeys up in there.”

With a sigh, Sirius leaned back in the bed and lay the mirror beside him on the night stand, looking over at it.

James had told him about the walk to the cave and the inferius that had tried to drag him back into the water. Sirius had never seen the inferi but he knew that they were nothing to be taken lightly - even Orion and Walburga had spoke of them in whispered tones with worried expressions. After all, an undead body controlled by dark magic… seriously, could anything be more frightening a notion? And another thing, too, was that if it was an undead body controlled by dark magic, that meant there was a dark wizard somewhere, performing the dark magic that was controlling the body… Who was it? And why would they have put an inferius in the waters of an old, algae infested cave in the middle of nowhere like that? What purpose could that serve?

He lay staring up at the ceiling, pondering.

Suddenly the bedroom door creaked open and he looked over and there was James. “Hi.”

“Hey.”

James slipped into the room and closed the door behind him, he was wide-eyed and sort of sweaty about the forehead.

Sirius pushed over and patted the bed beside himself.

James came over and climbed in, laying flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling, his Adam’s Apple bobbing. Sirius rolled onto his side. “You ever heard the one about the swimming inferius?”

James rolled his eyes up to Sirius’s face.

“The dead sea.”

James laughed in spite of himself.

Sirius grinned. “Do you know the most popular vacation spot for a inferius?”

“Where?” James asked.

“The Dead-iterranean.” Sirius was on fire. “What does it take to become an inferius?”

“Stop,” James laughed, then, “What does it take?”

Deadication, of course,” Sirius said, grinning.

“These are the stupidest jokes I’ve ever heard,” James said, but he was smiling and color had returned to his face, so they’d served their purpose and he was thankful that Sirius had this gift of taking things that upset him and making them better. He let out a breath of relief.

Sirius petted James’s shoulder. “If that undead bastard had taken you under, I would’ve gone and killed him all over again,” Sirius vowed.

James smiled, “I know. I’d do the same if one of them got you.”

“They wouldn’t like me, I’m too sour. I reckon you taste right sweet compared to me.”

James snorted.

“Actually, you taste rather good yourself,” came a voice from behind him and Sirius turned ‘round to see Remus had woken up and pulled his smooshed nose off the glass.

“Oi, hey, look who it is, it’s Moony Snoresalot,” Sirius said, reaching for the mirror and pulling it over, holding it up so Rey could see both him and James.

Remus got an amused expression on his face, “Should I be concerned that you lot are in bed together?”

“Yes, I’ve found myself a new boyfriend, Remus, since you’ve been away. Haven’t I, James deer?”

James shoved Sirius off him as Sirius pretended to lean in to snog, “I don’t put out after a first date, you bloody dog.”

Remus laughed, “So you two haven’t changed at all, I see.”

“I have,” James announced, suddenly remembering. He tilted his chin up, “Look’it there. Stubble. Maryrose reckons I need a shave.”

Sirius’s face lit up, “Excuse me?!” He grabbed his wand from the night stand, set the mirror to levitating over them and shook the wand, “Microscopia,” he announced and the end of his wand exploded into a round magnifying glass. “Let me see this.” He leaned in close to James’s chin, “Bloody hell,” he said, feigning having to get real close, even with the magnifier. “There is a bit of facial hair there. Ickle bitty ones. Two or three of them. Blimey, you’re a regular hairball, Prongs.”

“I’m a man is what I am,” James said proudly, “And before you are!”

Remus said, “Actually, I’ve got a bit of it myself. Veigler showed me how to shave just this weekend past… So I haven’t got it now, but I did.”

Sirius’s eyebrows went up, “Oi. What in bloody hell? Where’s my hair?”

“Perhaps it’s afraid you’ll over gel it if it comes out, like you do your head,” James suggested.

Sirius scratched his utterly smooth chin.

“I like your baby face, relax,” Remus said, laughing at the semi-panicked look on Sirius’s face. “It’s a lovely chin you’ve got.”

Sirius sighed, “Next thing we know, even Peter’ll be walking about with a beard as thick as Dumbledore’s and I’ll still be hairless.”

“Imagine Peter with a beard, bloody hell,” muttered Remus, laughing at the thought of it.

“Probably spook himself with it, like a dog chasing his own tail,” snorted James, tears coming to his eyes as he laughed.

Sirius grinned, “Yeah he’ll never grow facial hair, that little porkchop.”

When they’d finished laughing at that, Remus asked, “So what happened earlier that you and Lily Evans had to go so quickly for? I was waiting for you lot to come back, I was nervous about it.”

“Xenophilius Lovegood proposed to Pandora Jenkins,” said Sirius, “And she’s said yes.”

“Well good on him!” said Remus, “He must be really happy.”

“Bloke looked as though he were on cloud nine. Happiest I’ve ever seen a man in my life,” answered Sirius.

“I couldn’t see it,” James said, “But I’m sure he was pleased. Been planning that for awhile now - he showed me the ring back when he turned down being in the Order, you know.”

“Why couldn’t you see it?” Remus asked, “Too busy snogging the life out of Maryrose?”

“Actually, I lost my glasses,” James said, and Remus noticed that he was wearing the old, mended wireframe ones that he’d had before he’d gotten his new square framed ones. “I got attacked by an inferius.”

WHAT?!” Remus cried, “Wait wait, we’ve been sitting here laughing over facial hair and chatting about bloody Xenophilius Lovegood and you were attacked by an inferius and this is just now coming up? What happened? Are you alright?!”

James told Remus all about the attack in the cave, shuddering at the memory of the blurry figure coming rising up out of the moonlit water and the cold, clammy feeling of it’s skin touching his ankle. He would need Sirius to tell him some more funny jokes before he went back to bed, he could feel his blood pressure rising as he spoke about the horrible experience the same way as he’d felt all evening before he’d had the nightmares that had sent him sneaking off to Sirius’s bedroom. When he finished telling Rey all about what had happened, Remus looked positively stunned.

“Bloody hell, that’s awful,” Remus muttered, shaking his head, “But what in hell was an inferius doing in a cave?”

“That’s what I wanted to know!” Sirius said, “Dark magic comes from dark wizards, so who’s in the driver’s seat of that particular inferius and what’s the purpose of storing it in a cave in the middle of nowhere like that?”

James said, “Perhaps to scare the piss out of unsuspecting snogging teenagers.”

Remus laughed.

Sirius’s face turned to a smirk, “Could market that to parents, you could. Tired of finding your teenage witch or wizard snogging about in caves? Get yourself an inferius! Guaranteed to traumatize your teen to death!”

“Brilliant,” said Remus, “Somebody get the copyright - they’ll fly off the shelves.”

“You lot are mad,” James laughed.

Remus said, “And you’re mad for liking us!”

“We’re all mad,” hissed Sirius in a truly mad-sounding whisper.

They fell asleep like that, talking and joking about - Remus last to do so, but when Sirius fell off to sleep, the levitation charm on the mirror made it fall and land against the duvet on top of James’s arm and so when Remus propped up the pillow it was to be staring at the hair growing on James’s arm and he laughed to himself, thinking about how panicked Sirius had looked before… He dreamed of Peter Pettigrew, squeaking as a beard sprouted from his chin that just kept growing and growing and growing, longer and longer… until it turned into an ocean of whiskers and an inferius came floating to the top… waving as he swam past, wearing James’s square glasses and carrying a purple egg…