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The Defense Against the Dark Arts Game Show


Peter didn’t come to Defense Against the Dark Arts.

The other four Gryffindor fifth years sat in the classroom, all of them awkwardly positioned away from one another, except Remus, who sat in proximity to the middle, looking rather glum because he was literally the only one of them that had no issues with any of the others and he just wanted everyone to get along. He stared at his parchment, fiddling with the edge of it with his fingertips, his wand laying across the desk.

It was one of the rare days so far that had both Gideon and Fabian Prewett present. Thus far, for the first month of classes, they’d been taking it in turn to cover the class courses, switching off as one would be working doing Ministry duties so the other would come and do the class. Today, they were both available, and they’d planned a great treat.

“Alright, you lot, don’t be looking so glum,” Fabian announced.

“Yes, time to pep it up a notch,” Gideon grinned, “Today we’ve got a great lesson for you and you’re going to want to be on your toes for this one!”

“Assuming you like winning prizes, that is, of course,” Fabian added.

James looked up, his arms crossed over his chest, but the word winning perking his interest. At the other end of the row of desks, Sirius, too, looked up - his interest on the word prizes.

“Ah see, yeah, that got their attention, Gid,” Fabian said, “Who wants to learn when they can win prizes? Bloody hell, we’ve been going about this teaching business all wrong.”

“Should’ve done this ages ago, then p’rhaps their grades wouldn’t be so bloody terrifying,” Gideon agreed.

“Yeah, p’rhaps,” Fabian winked.

Sirius, who had been leaning back in his seat per his usual position in classes, brought his feet down to the floor with a thump and sat forward, “What sort of prizes?”

“Grand ones,” the twins said together.

“What do we have to do to win?” James asked eagerly.

Fabian grinned, “You have to know your Defense!”

Gideon nodded, “So who’s ready? Who wants to go first?”

“Go first at what?” Lily asked.

Remus slouched in his seat.

“Mr. Lupin,” Gideon called. “C’mon down… you’re our first contestant on the Defense is Right!”

Remus’s face burned, “Why me?”

“Random selection, don’t get your knickers in a twist. You’ll all have a go at it,” Fabian said.

Remus got up as Gideon motioned for him to go to the front of the classroom and he stood there awkwardly, facing the other three. He stared at the floor as Fabian put his palms on Remus’s shoulders. “Alright, Master Lupin, I’m going to have my brother give us thirty seconds and I’m going to give you a result and you’ll tell me what spell caused it. We’ll go until we run out of time - every spell you get right gets you a point and when we’re finished going through all of you, the two persons with the highest points will move to the next round. Understand?”

“So it’s sort of a - a game show?” James asked eagerly. He’d seen game shows on the telly a couple times; Charlus found the muggles on them funny - all getting excited over winning paper money (“How is it even worth a thing, it’s made of paper! Give me a gold galleon any day!”)

“Exactly,” Gideon and Fabian both said at the same time.

“About Defensive magic?” Lily asked.

“Yes,” the twins chorused.

“Brilliant,” said Sirius.

Fabian grinned, “You’ll have benefitted greatly from reading your reading assignments thus far - we’ll do this every month as review. So if you do poorly, we’ll know you probably haven’t read your textbooks…”

“Well there goes my chances of winning,” Sirius said, and he leaned back again, putting his feet back up on the table.

James laughed, in spite of being angry at Sirius - this was funny, and he couldn’t resist the chortle.

Sirius looked over at James and smiled in a manner that seemed to almost request forgiveness. James smiled back in a manner that answered that Sirius didn’t really need to ask, he was just forgiven, and just like that they were alright again. James turned to watch Remus’s go at the Prewett Brothers’ game with an already lighter heart.

“Alright,” said Fabian, “What’s a game show without music? Gideon. The honors, please.”

GIdeon turned and waved his wand at a large monophone across the room and the needle dropped onto a record that was already spinning and a bit of big band music began to play - a trumpet based beat that seemed to roam about the room with an energy that made even Sirius sit back up and Lily smile.

James sat forward on the edge of his seat as Fabian pulled a stack of cards from his breast pocket. “Alright, Master Lupin, are you ready? Remember the goal’s to name as many defensive spells from Defensive Magical Theory Year Five as possible in thirty seconds, based on the results that I give you. Your time starts when I finish the first question. Are you ready?”

“I reckon so,” Remus replied, but he looked nervous and he wiped his sweaty palms over his jumper.

GIdeon held up an hour glass, grinning.

“Mr. Lupin, you are in a duel with an opponent and you fire a spell at your opponent, who is struck by yellow sparks. Instantly, your opponent’s left and right orientation is entirely scrambled - he goes left when he means to go right. What spell have you cast?”

Dyslexicka,” Remus replied.

Gideon flipped the hour glass.

“Your next spell causes your opponent to violently hiccup large purple bubbles that smell of sulfur.”

Acidius reflexus,” Remus said.

“Your opponent loses the ability to see in colour.”

Cinzento.”

“You give off a different scent to confuse an opponent that is chasing after you.”

Alterar aroma.”

“To protect a large area, you need three assistants and you’d preform what kind of protego?”

Protego maxima.”

“Bonk bonk!” cried Gideon as the timer went out, just as Remus got the answer out. He clapped eagerly, “Very good! Got’m all right. Five points to Remus Lupin.”

Sirius clapped heartily.

“Next… Miss. Evans.” Gideon took out a stack of cards and it was Fabian’s turn to turn over the timer. Lily did really well, too, getting five as well. Then it was Sirius’s turn and true to his prediction, he only got three (“No, Sirius, ferfuckssakes is not a spell,” laughed Gideon when Sirius realized he had no answer to the fourth question). James, however, got six correct answers, and they had to hold a tie breaking challenge between Remus and Lily.

“First one to say the answer wins and plays against Potter in the second round,” Gideon asked, “Ready you lot?”

It was Fabian’s turn to deliver the question. “Your opponent uses a spell that causes your friend to begin choking. What do you do?”

Remus and Lily both stared at each other. Lily bit her lip, thinking. She knew she’d seen this spell in the textbook - could picture the page, even. Remus could, too. He smacked the heel of his hand against his forehead as though that would help summon the spell to his mind… it wasn’t working, though, and he hopped foot to foot in frustration as Lily mouthed words to herself, thinking.

Waddiwasi?” Remus guessed.

“Good one Rey,” said Sirius excitedly.

“Whiiiiiile that would work, it’s not the actual answer,” Gideon said. He looked at Lily. “Miss. Evans, if you can name the actual spell, you’ll win. Otherwise, Mr. Lupin will win with his comparable spell.”

There was a long, long pause and finally Lily asked, “Is it anapneo?”

Fabian grinned, “Bang on, Miss. Evans! Sorry, Mr. Lupin, but Lily’s done it! On to round two against Potter.”

James glanced over at her.

Normally, she thought, he would’ve made some comment - something like “worried, Evans?”, to which she’d ask, “no, are you?” - but instead, James just turned back around and said nothing. Lily felt a bit empty because of it, and she took a deep breath.

Fabian was quite excited. He started to explain, “Alright, lot, in this round - the lightning bolt round - we’re going to have Potter and Evans both perform ---”

But before Fabian could finish his explanation, the door of the classroom burst open and a shimmering white bird flew into the room, smokey and hazy about the ends, the long feathers curling. Sirius stared up at it, nudging Rey and pointing, and Remus whispered, “Fawkes?”

Lily’s eyes were wide. “What is that?”

“A patronus,” whispered James.

“A what?” Lily looked over at him.

James didn’t answer her again. The patronus landed on the desk that usually held Peter Pettigrew and seemed to glow brightly before the voice of Albus Dumbledore came from the patronus’s beak - “You are needed in the office of the Headmaster. Very urgent news has come to our attention regarding a case you have both been working on. Come immediately.” The bird immediately disappeared in a flash of smoke.

Fabian and Gideon exchanged glances that were filled with so much meaning they were nearly having an entire conversation. Finally, Gideon turned to the students, “Alright, lot, class is over, we’ll have to have our second round next time. Thanks for competing, everyone did a good job.”

“Read your textbook, Black,” added Fabian.

They hurriedly ushered the four of them into the hallway and, slinging jackets onto their shoulders and magicking the Defense door locked as they ran off past them down the corridor, their wands in their fists.

Sirius looked around at James, Lily, and Remus. “Well. That was… abrupt. And suspicious.”

“Very,” James agreed.