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A Moment Alone


Remus woke up laying across a funny little velvet couch in a room he didn’t recognize. He looked around slowly, taking in the dark wallpaper, covered with maps and pages torn from books. There were tall bookcases that reached the rafters and a huge telescope that looked out a high window, charts of the stars painted upon the ceiling, moving slowly, as though in real time. A gold perch stood in the corner, a basin beneath it… and as Remus watched, Fawkes the Phoenix fluttered onto the perch and preened himself a second before turning his eye on Remus, blinking at him as though he were a curiosity.

This must be Dumbledore’s private quarters, he realized.

He sat up, and a pang of pain went through his abdomen. He looked down to see his bandage had been changed… and there were fresh, long scratches across his chest and up his forearms… He reached up slowly and touched his face. There was a cut across his jawline, deep enough it would leave another scar. He leaned back into the pillows.

“Good morning, Remus,” came Dumbledore’s voice.

Remus looked to find Dumbledore stood in the doorway, staring at him with pitying eyes. Panic went through Remus. “Bradley. No. No! Bradley! Where is he? Where is he? What’d I do?” Remus sat up, bandages be damned, leaping up from the couch, “What have I done?”

“Please, Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore hurried across the room and gently pushed Remus back into the cushions, setting him back down. “You must stay laying down. Bradley is fine. He is with Mr. Scamander and in good health, recovering from his transformation.”

Remus relaxed. “Then why am I here?”

Dumbledore sat slowly down on the edge of the couch and patted Remus’s shin gently. He drew a deep breath, “My boy… It has, once again, befallen on me to be the one to give you news that is rather unpleasant.”

Remus drew a deep breath.

“When I was young, Mr. Lupin, I had a friend that I loved very much.”

Remus looked up at Dumbledore.

“He was a young man, who had come to Godric’s Hollow to live with family after some trouble back home. I, myself, was going through a hard time, and the pair of us bonded quite a lot over interests that we shared at the time.” He folded his palms over his knee. “We were… inseparable…” Dumbledore hesitated. “We were in love.”

Remus’s heart nearly stopped.

“One day, Mr. Lupin, the man that I loved betrayed me in a way that I never thought possible…” Dumbledore hesitated. “I never forgave him.” His eyes met Remus’s. “And I have wished everyday of my life, Mr. Lupin, that I had found a way to let him back in.”

Remus felt sick. “Sir…” he swallowed back a lump of sour feelings rising up from his belly, “What did Sirius do?”




The Marauder’s dormitory was silent. It was Wednesday, but none of the three of them had bothered getting up for classes, nor had they gone for breakfast. They’d all been laying awake in their beds since returning from Dumbledore’s office, none of them saying a word. The closest had been mid-morning, when Peter sat up and dug a bag of licorice wands from under his bed and offered the bag up to the other two boys. James had shook his head and Sirius had taken one, but not actually eaten it, just sat staring at it.

It was just about noon when James picked up his glasses from his nightstand and slid them onto his nose. He sat up, crossing his legs and cleared his throat. “Alright, we’ve all had time to process what happened,” he said, “Time to talk before Remus gets back.”

Sirius said, “I’m sorry.”

Peter and James looked over to him.

“I’ve made a terrible mistake,” Sirius said, “I - I betrayed Remus. I betrayed you.” He spun the licorice wand in his fingers slowly, twisting it slowly. “I was acting mental and not thinking things through and I nearly got myself, and Severus Snape, killed in my thoughtlessness… and you, James, you saved my arse again. As usual. You’re always saving my arse.” He looked at Peter. “And you, too, Pete.”

Peter chewed on the licorice wand slowly.

James picked at a loose thread on his jumper for a moment, trying to piece together his thoughts. Finally, he looked up and he said, “I mean, what part of this was a good idea to you when you did it?”

Sirius said, “I didn’t think Remus was in the Shack, I thought --”

“But you told Severus how to get into the Shack. He goes this month, finds no werewolf, so he goes next month… or the next… You were opening up a door to him finding Remus at some point.” James ran his hand through his hair. “I dunno, mate.” He rolled off his bed, tugging up his pyjama joggers, which were loose ‘round the waist and paced across the room. “Why would you do that to Rey?”

“I didn’t think of that.”

“You didn’t think it all the way through, you were too busy just doing it, without help from any of us --”

“Pete was supposed to help,” Sirius said.

“Pete did help you,” James snapped, “Peter told someone with a brain what you were doing so I could go out there and bloody save your arse, as you’ve just said!”

Sirius said, “Thank you Peter.”

Peter nodded, biting another bit of wand.

James leaned against the desks. “It was just really reckless, that’s all. And I know you’ve always been a bit reckless, sure, but this was just --”

Before he could finish the sentence, the door opened slowly and Remus stepped inside. The door closed behind him and he stood, looking about at them, all their eyes on him. There was a lengthy pause in which none of them knew what to say. Then Remus brought his chin level, pushing his shoulders back, forcing himself to be strong, and he walked across the room to his bed and carefully laid down the bag he’d brought with him out to the Shack, unpacking the extra jumpers and his battered History of Magic text. He carefully folded the jumpers, laying them gently in his trunk, and put a few pairs of folded socks into his drawer in the dresser. The other three were still staring at him.

Sirius stood up.

Remus paused by the end of his bed, his hand ‘round the post, his eyes cast downward at the carpet.

“Moony,” Sirius said thickly.

Remus looked up. “Guys,” he said quietly, and he glanced from James to Peter and back, “Can I have a moment alone with Sirius, please?”

Sirius’s eyes filled with tears and he sat back down on his bed heavily, his fingers balling around the blanket as a lump rose up in his throat and James went out the door. Peter paused to pat Sirius on the shoulder before he hurried after James down to the common room. Sirius’s lips trembled and he could feel Achyls sweeping her dismal veils around within him. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for the words he knew were coming.

Remus’s voice was soft. “Why?”

“I was trying to stop him… from threatening your secret,” Sirius whispered. “I was trying to… protect you.”

“By exposing me.” Remus stayed, hugging on the post of his bed, as far from Sirius as he could be without leaving the room. He didn’t dare get any closer. He was already having to anchor himself to keep from going over, to keep from trying to comfort Sirius as tears streamed in streaks across Sirius’s cheeks… little rivers that dripped from his chin…

“I’m sorry,” Sirius breathed.

“For which part, exactly?” Remus asked, “The part where you planned to use me as… as a weapon… or the part where you… you nearly killed -- not only yourself… but… but also James and Snape… No, rather, where you almost had me kill you all?”

Sirius hung his head, “All of it.”

Silence fell over the dormitory.

“Moony… my Moony…” Sirius got up and he walked ‘round the foot of James and Peter’s beds and dropped to his knees before Remus. Remus closed his eyes, feeling tears sting his lids as Sirius crawled toward him. He took hold of Remus’s jumper in his fists, and he leaned forward, his face pressing into Remus’s stomach, but being careful not to lean into his bandaged abdomen… “Forgive me, Remus,” he said, his voice coming up from the very depths of his gut.

Remus’s cheeks were suddenly just as soaked as Sirius’s and he felt his lips quivering.

“Forgive me!” Sirius sobbed into him, wrapped his arms around his waist. “Please, please forgive me, I didn’t know what I’d done.. I didn’t know… I’ll never… I’ll never again… never betray… never…”

Remus realized he’d been holding his breath and he suddenly choked on the air trying to escape him and his gasps came out rather shuddering. “Sirius, how can I trust you again?”

“Moony no.”

“I trusted you… I’ve… I’ve forgiven… so many things… so many because I thought… I thought this one thing, I thought above everything… that…” His face hurt from the emotion. He could feel the muscles of his forehead burning, his face turning red, and he brought his hands up to cover his eyes.

“Please!” Sirius grappled at Remus’s jumper, “Please no. Please don’t give up on me, not now, please, Remus, I need you. I need you.”

I needed you!” Remus cried, and he knelt down too. He looked Sirius in the eyes and put his hands up on Sirius’s, cupping his face in his palms. “I needed you.”

“I made a mistake.”

“Sirius, I need… I need time…”

“Please, no.”

“I need time to sort this out.”

“...please…”

“I need a break.”

Sirius felt like the world had been painted black.

“Please…” Remus whispered, pausing for a moment, “Please give me my father’s ring back, Sirius.”

The world crashing around him, Sirius lifted his hands so they were between him and Remus, right between their chests and he looked down and pulled the ring from his finger. With a shaking hand, he turned it between his fingers and held it out to Remus, staring at it, feeling the heaviness of it in his grasp… until Remus’s hand had closed ‘round it and taken it away.

Sirius stared at the empty air where the ring had been for a long moment as Remus closed his fist around it and drew it into himself, holding it against his chest.

Remus’s voice shook, “I do love you. I just…”

Sirius shook his head, holding up his hand to silence Remus. “Don’t say -- things -- you don’t mean.”

“I do mean it,” Remus said heavily.

“You don’t mean it! You can’t!” Sirius said, standing up, “If you meant it, you wouldn’t give up on me! You wouldn’t throw me away, like I’m rubbish… like I don’t even matter…”

“Sirius! YOU are the one that hurt ME! Don’t turn this on me, like I’m the one who’s wrong for protecting myself! You aren’t the one that’s been betrayed,” Remus gasped. “Why are you making me feel as though I’ve somehow betrayed you?”

“AM I A DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOU, TOO? DID YOU EXPECT MORE OF ME? I’M A FUCKING BLACK! IT’S WHAT I DO! I’M A BETRAYER! I’M A BAD HORRIBLE BETRAYER!!” Sirius turned, grabbing his leather jacket and shrugging it on. “Do you wish I’d never been born, Remus?”

“What are you talking about? Of course I don’t wish that!”

“I’m -- I’m sorry..” Sirius shook his head and turned back to his own bed. He paused and bent over, wrenched open the trunk at the bottom and pulled out a bottle of the firewhiskey and slammed the lid shut. “I need to go.”

Remus didn’t stop him.

Sirius jogged down the stairs to the common room, dizzy, tripped on the bottom step and staggered across the empty room. Peter and James were by the fire, James staring at his hands in his lap while Peter was building a card house on the coffee table. James looked up as Sirius came down the stairs… stood up as Sirius staggered dizzily toward the portrait hole. “Where are you going? What happened? What’d he want?”

Sirius held up his hand, shook his empty finger at them, and laughed, “Look at that,” he said thickly, “Empty. Like my fucking heart.” And he held up the bottle in his fist, “And soon this bottle.” And he stepped toward the portrait hole.

“He broke up with you?” Peter stammered in disbelief.

Sirius turned around, “He fucking shattered up with me, Pete!” He pulled the door open. “And don’t bother following me, I’ll fucking hex whoever tries to. I want to be alone. Goodbye.” And he slammed out the door.

James hesitated for about a half a second before he jumped up and ran for the portrait hole.

Sirius turned around when the portrait hole opened and leveled his wand. “Leave me be, Potter, I told you.”

“When you’re like this? No.”

“What’s the worst I could do? Bloody STAB MYSELF IN THE CHEST?” he asked, “Already did that once, didn’t I?”

James face went blank with surprise, “What? You did -- you did that to yourself? You said -- you said it was Mulciber.”

“No, I didn’t. I never said it was anybody. You assumed. Yes, I did it to myself, trying to get this fucking dementor out of my chest and it won’t go -- SHE WON’T GO… SHE WON’T GO AWAY!” Sirius yelled, “SHE EATS AT ME… LETTER AFTER LETTER, LETTER AFTER LETTER AFTER LETTER… AND NOW… REMUS, TOO!!!”

“Sirius -- what are you talking about??”

And then, coming down the hall, running because she could hear the shouting of Sirius’s voice, came Lily Evans, and she stared at him with wide eyes, “What’s happened? Sirius? Bloody hell, James, what did you do?”

“I didn’t!” James cried, “Why’s everything instantly my fault with you? It’s Remus.”

“Sirius, what’s wrong honey?” Lily wrapped her arms around him, but he struggled away from her. “Sirius?” She looked at James as Sirius reeled away from her, pacing circles, struggling to open the bottle. When it wouldn’t open, he got frustrated and he smashed it against the stone instead.

“Remus broke up with him,” James supplied.

Lily’s face paled.

But, like a good friend, she sprang forward and clutched his arm, refusing to let go even as he tried to shake her off. She looked to James, “You go take care of Remus… I’m sure whatever’s broken them up has him upset, too. I’ve got Sirius, don’t worry.”

James hesitated.

“Potter,” she said firmly. “I’ve got this,” and she turned to Sirius, “C’mon honey, c’mon. I’ve got you. Let’s go for a walk.”

“I’m an idiot Lily,” Sirius sobbed as Lily led him away, “I’m an idiot, I’ve ruined everything by being an idiot! My mum’s right about me…”

“Shhh,” Lily whispered, holding his hand tightly in hers, lacing their fingers together, “C’mon… we’re gonna go talk, love.”

James watched them go, and he sighed.

“I saved Severus Snape’s life last night, by the way, Evans,” he said to the empty air, “Thought you should know.”