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Siriumptious Optima Black


“Sirius.”

He groaned.

“Siriamus Oscar Black, my love, my darrrrling! My pet! My love!!! Wake up or I’ll fling myself from the astronomy tower.” Lily Evans took hold of Sirius’s shoulder. “Sirithomy Oblong Black! Wake up!” She shook him. “Siri-iri-iri-umm-mus!” She smirked to herself at how completely evil she was being.

“No. Go away Peter.”

“Peter?” Lily paused, then said, “I should hex you for that. I sound nothing like Peter, you great buffoon.”

Sirius groaned as she rolled him onto his back and the early morning sunlight blasted his eyeballs. He covered his face with his hands, “No.”

“Yes,” Lily said. She was leaning over Remus’s bed - which she thought was Sirius’s because that’s what he’d told her the night before. She’d slept, sitting on the floor beside the bed, for exactly one and a half hours while Sirius Black snorted and snuffled his way to sleep, his limbs hanging precariously over the edges of the too-small bed. “It’s time to get up.”

“I’m too hung over to get up.”

“Should’ve thought of that before you drank, huh?”

“Nooo. Sleep. Go away.”

“I already went and took a shower and changed into my uniform. It’s Thursday, Sirius, you have classes. It’s breakfast time and you’ll be wanting to put something in that stomach of yours before we go to class…”

“Ferfuckssakes Evans, the lads usually let me sleep.”

“And you wonder why your grades are poor.”

Sirius groaned, “Go away.”

“No. We’ve worked too hard on your Potions lessons to toss everything away on account of you binging an entire bottle of Firewhiskey and hanging a flag on the pinnacle of the school.”

Sirius’s eyes squinted open at her. She was framed by the evil sunlight coming in the window. “Did we really, actually do that, then? I thought I might have dreamt it.”

“Nope. We really, actually did that.”

“Bloody hell.”

“Yeah. I’m sure McGonagall is looking for you.”

“Pretty sure that I’m booked solid with detentions through next term,” Sirius murmured. “I’ll have my people call her people.”

“Come along, Sirius,” Lily said, grabbing his wrist and pulling him to a sitting position. “I’ve got you a glass of water and some aspirin…”

Aspirin?” his voice was confused.

“Muggle medicine,” Lily said, “It’ll help your headache.”

He stared at her for a long moment as she dumped the aspirin pills into his palm and picked up a glass of water from the nightstand, pushing it into his hand, and then turned around. “Now… let’s get you changed…” she lifted the lid of the trunk at the foot of the bed and paused, staring into it. “This is Remus’s things.”

“Yes. This is Remus’s bed. Technically.” Sirius looked down at the pills, turning them in his palm reluctantly. “Mine is the far one. Over there. I sort of moved in over here. ‘Til last month, my bed hadn’t been touched at all. I missed him so … so I slept here last night ‘til I had a nightmare and --” he paused. “Well, that’s when the drinking started and… you know the rest better than I do from there.”

Lily went over and opened up his trunk and started rummaging about for some clothing. He stared at her with sad eyes. When she looked back up and saw him looking, she asked, “Sirius?”

“Why are you taking care of me?”

“I’m your friend. Aren’t I?”

Sirius licked his lips slowly, “Yeah…”

“Well, that’s what friends do. They take care of each other.”

“Yes but. You’re Remus’s friend before you’re mine, aren’t you?” he asked, “Like if you could only chose one of us? It would be Rey?”

Lily stared at him. “I don’t have to choose between you. This isn’t a war, it isn’t about sides. You’re both equally my friends.”

Sirius’s felt a lump rise up in his throat.

“You need me, Sirius, don’t you?”

He certainly needed somebody. He needed Remus, really. He stared at her.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Lily stood up. She was holding a pair of his jeans and a black t-shirt in her hands. “Here. Put these on.”

He took them and stood up slowly, dizzy and catching himself on the bed post, breathing for a moment. She sighed and took the shirt, rolling it so the neck hole was stretched and stuck it over his head, “There you are. One arm at a time. You’re doing the pants yourself, though.”

He stared into her eyes. “Thanks, Lilith Juniper.”

“You’re welcome, Sirumptious Optima.”

“Siriumptious!”

“Isn’t that was Sirius is short for?” Lily asked, smirking.

Sirius chuckled, “It is now. Siriumptious Optima Black. Excellent.”

Lily laughed, “It has a very ominous ring to it.”

“It’s my Death Eater fighting name,” he replied, “And nooooow…. Welcome to the ring…. Siriumptious Optima Blackack - ack - ack!!!” He smirked.

“You’re just as much an idiot as Potter is.”

Sirius’s smirk faltered a little bit, and then he asked, “Speaking of him. Can I ask you something?”

“Yes?”

“The date next week… or twelve or eleven days or whatever the fuck it is now… I’m sure he’ll tell us when he gets back… but... “ Sirius paused, “Evans. You’re - your’re really giving him a chance, yeah? You aren’t just yanking his chain, taking the mickey out of him?”

Lily shook her head, “I’m giving him a real chance.”

“Good. He deserves that much.”

Lily hesitated.

“It’s long overdue, Evans. His chance.”

She nodded slowly, “I know.”

Sirius nodded, too, then turned and pulled his pants on. He ran a comb through his hair and kicked his feet into his boots, shrugging on his leather jacket and popped the collar, turning to her.

“You know, there’s a charm that would save you that comb through time.”

“Is there?”

“Yeah. Detangles and adds shine, I can get you the page from Teen Witch if you like. There’s loads of good hair care tips in Teen Witch, really…”

“Sounds fabulous,” he said sarcastically.

Lily smirked, “Very.”

“Actually I’m seriously interested in that spell,” he admitted.

“I’ll get it for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Breakfast time, love,” she said.

“Ugh.”

“Sorry, but you have to eat. Did you take the aspirin?”

Sirius held out his hand, “No,” he confessed.

“Take them. It’ll help, really.”

So he tossed them into his mouth and gulped down the full glass of water in one go, then turned back to her. “Alright, Evans. I’m ready. Let’s go, my pet.”

“Irony. A dog calling a person a pet.”

Sirius smirked.

They started walking and suddenly Sirius paused. “Bloody hell, I’m dizzy as fuck, Evans.”

“You alright? Here.” She pulled his arm ‘round her shoulders.

Sirius clung to her. “That’s a most peculiar feeling…” he draped himself over her, and as they stepped into the hall outside the dorm, he started singing, “This is Major Tom to Ground Control… I’m stepping through the door… And I’m floating in the most pe-e-cu-li-aaaaar wayyyyyy…

“Alright Ziggy Stardust… one step at a time,” Lily laughed, and they made their way down the stairs to the Great Hall as Sirius sang Space Oddity, complete with a mouth guitar solo...




James had his face buried in the crook of his arm, leaning against the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. Beside him, Peter absently pushed his food about on the plate, his eyes blurry and crusty about the edges with sleep dust.

Caaaan you hear me Major Tom? Can youuuu heaaaar… and heeeeere I am, floating in my tinnn cannnnn… farrrr above the moooooooon -- Planet Earth is bluuuue and there’s nothing I can dooooooooooo --- Oh hey Prongs, Wormy…” Sirius settled across from them, followed by Lily, who sat in the spot Remus usually occupied.

James looked up and stared at Sirius.

“Oi Prongs, you look like shit.”

“Bite me, Black,” James replied, and he put his face back down into the crook of his arm.

Sirius hesitated, looking at Peter, then back to James. “How… how is… he?”

“Not torn up,” James muttered, voice muffled. “Somehow. Though my hip’s not exactly spiffing right now.”

“You should take aspirin,” Sirius suggested. “It’ll heal you up right fast.”

Lily shook her head. “It doesn’t work like --”

“Miracle drug it is.”

Lily looked at James and shook her head no.

James groaned and put his head back down on the table.

“So which one of you is responsible for the giant flag flying off Gryffindor Tower?” Frank Longbottom asked, sinking into the seat next to Peter, grinning.

James looked back up again, his eyes meeting Sirius’s as Sirius stifled back a laugh. “What did you do?” James asked warily.

“Great big bed-sheet sized flag, flying over the castle from the spire atop Gryffindor tower,” Frank said, laughing, “Itinerarium Maraudentium in big bold letters upon it.”

“Hush, Frank,” Sirius said as he grinned, “I didn’t do anything. Talk to Evans. She’s done it.”

Lily flushed, “I didn’t -- I didn’t do it! I was a ...semi-active witness, but that’s hardly --”

“All her idea,” Sirius added. “Right rebel our Lily Evans is growing up to be! I’m so proud.” He grabbed his napkin and pretended at dabbing away tears of pride.

James put his head back down, “Bloody hell you’ve corrupted her innocence.”

“Somebody had to,” Sirius said. He turned to Lily, “Welcome to a corrupted state of being, love. We have cookies.”

Lily snort-laughed.

James looked up. He’d never heard her snort when she’d laughed before. He found it adorably endearing, even in his half-asleep state of being.

“Well, whoever’s done it is a genius. You know Ravenclaws have always insisted that their tower’s better than ours? Well -- la-de-da, you Eagle sonsabitches, we have a flag now!” Frank said, “Who cares if your towers like one inch taller than ours is!” He glared over at their table, then turned to Lily, “Oh. Good one, Evans,” and he reached over Peter’s head for a high-five.

Reluctantly, Lily gave it to him. The she looked at Sirius.

His eyes were bright.

“One inch you say?”

“That’s what they claim. No Gryffindor has ever given a bloody damn enough to find out the exact dimensions of the towers to answer for certain, but that’s what the Ravenclaws claim. Because they all have this uncanny ability to memorize the most mundane facts on the planet, nobody’s ever really questioned it.”

Sirius grinned, “Well. That can be remedied easily enough.” He looked across the table. “Prongs. Mind if I borrow your broomstick?”

“Does it really matter if I say no?” James murmured.

“Not really no.”

“Sure then, why not.”

Sirius grinned.