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Tell Me Everything


That night, Sirius threw a party in Gryffindor common room to celebrate his acquisition of new bottles of firewhiskey from the trip to Hogsmeade. Sirius, Peter, and James had run the bottles through the tunnel of the Whomping Willow and up to the Gryffindor common room, rather than going back from Hogsmeade on the path. James had pointed out that they’d sort of left Remus behind, but Sirius took a very flippant attitude about it, saying that Remus would get back with his new boyfriend, meaning Ned Veigler, and refused to go back for him.

James wished so bloody much that he had even the slightest idea what was going on, it was driving him crazy, the not-knowing. How did he change things? Why were they mad at Remus, why was Remus mad at them? Why did Lily hate him again? How the hell had he ended up dating Maryrose, and why wasn’t she with Regulus Black? Where was Regulus Black? James hadn’t seen him at all on the Hogsmeade trip anywhere and they ended up eating in the dormitory while Sirius worked at organizing his 8-track tapes for the optimal party mix.

That night in the common room, as the party raged on, James sat in one of the chairs by the fire, watching as Sirius danced about with anyone who would let him - boy, girl, he didn’t seem to care. The first year, Wally, danced with him for some time and James noticed Oliver watching from where he sat in another chair in the far corner of the room, under a blanket, with his potions book open on his lap, staring wistfully.

Suddenly Remus was sitting on the couch at the end nearest to James. James looked over at him and nodded a greeting, not speaking. Remus nodded back, and glanced about the room for a moment before turning back to look at James with one raised eyebrow. James was staring across the room, where Lily Evans was sitting with Ali Prewitt and Meg Johnston, laughing as Carly Shaw pressed against Sirius as he danced with her to Ruby Tuesday. Lily had a bottle of pumpkin juice instead of the firewhiskey being passed about and she looked up and spotted him staring and made a face, turning back to Ali quickly, saying something to her that made Ali look up for a moment to see if James was still looking. He sighed heavily and turned away.

“So what’s going on, James?” Remus asked, taking a sip of whatever he had in his cup.

James sloshed the cup of firewhiskey he held around a bit so the ice cubes he’d magicked into it clicked against each other and the sides of the plastic cup. “It’s… complicated, Rey,” James replied, staring into the cup, because it was easier to look there than it was to look at Remus. He couldn’t lie to Remus’s eyes.

“Most things are pretty complicated in our lives,” Remus laughed, “Bloody hell. Imagine if anything was simple? It would be a miracle.”

“A bleedin’ miracle,” James agreed, nodding.

Sirius abruptly let go of Carly Shaw and leaped onto the table to dance by himself as Steppenwolf came on the stereo, and Carly glared up at him, upset that he’d ditched her so easily. Remus muttered, “She’s been trying to get him to go straight for months. Idiot girl knows nothing about him.”

James looked up and raised his eyebrow.

“Not that I care if she gets him to anyway. Let her have him.” Remus’s voice was hard, but James could still tell that he didn’t really mean it by the look in his eyes when he said it.

The tape was changed out by somebody, and the straining notes of You’re So Vain by Carly Simon started playing and Remus looked physically sick. “Ugh. Fuck,” he groaned and he stood up, “No. I can’t. I’m going for a walk.”

James put down his cup quickly and sprang up, “I think I’ll go with you,” he announced.

“Alright.”

So the pair of them snuck out of the common room - although there was no real sneaking involved. Nobody cared if they were there or not, or at least nobody noticed them go if they did. James followed Remus along into the corridor and they climbed the stairs up - up - up - and James wondered where they were going. He’d never gone up this particular flight of stairs before - it was the flight that Remus and Lily often had sat at the foot of for conversations back in their earlier years - a habit that had slowly faded off. It was a doorless, landingless flight that cork-screwed up and up and up until it came to a door and Remus pushed it out and James realized they were on a small balcony, far up on the castle, and there was a slight wind, but it wasn’t unpleasant - it was already getting warm, gearing up for a long, hot summer and James followed Remus out the door, and Remus leaned against the edge, looking off over the forbidden forest. James leaned beside him and looked down over the side into the depths of Hogwarts and he could see far, far below, the Transfiguration courtyard and the viaducts and rooftops of lower portions of the castle.

“So… you’re not a Carly Simon fan?” James joked.

Remus looked over - his expression was pained.

“Sorry,” James murmured, though he didn’t know what exactly he was sorry for. He supposed it was one of the millions of things he didn’t know anymore and he wished again that he had any kind of clue what was happening.

Remus cleared his throat, “James. What’s going on? For real. I can see it in your face, something’s really bothering you and… I hate that. I hate that you look like you think you’re alone in whatever it is.”

James studied his hands. “I dunno Rey. Like I said, it’s complicated and I honestly don’t even know how or what to tell you about it. I really can’t tell you a lot of it. I know that sounds stupid but Dumbledore said --”

“Dumbledore knows?”

James paused. “He used to.”

Remus stared at James. “And he told you not to tell us?”

“He told me not to tell anybody.”

Remus was quiet for a long moment and finally he said, “Look. James. Honestly. Dumbledore’s really wise, and he’s powerful… He’s a brilliant wizard. But he’d not the smartest person there is, and he certainly doesn’t always consider people’s feelings very well.”

James looked at Remus.

“I don’t mean it mean. I love Dumbledore. Like I said, he’s brilliant, but…” Remus paused, “He told me not to tell anyone about my Furry Little Problem, too, didn’t he? And just picture where we would all be if you lads never knew about that? How horribly lonely I’d be… blimey.” Remus leaned back, stretching his arms. “I’d hate that.”

James said, “I’d hate that too. You’re alone enough without that.”

Remus smiled sadly for a moment, his eyes cast to his old mussed up loafers. Then finally he turned to face James. The sliver of moonlight in the sky lit up his scars on his face, making them really stand out against the skin of his face. “I don’t want you to feel alone, James.”

“But I dunno what happens if I tell.”

“Well. I don’t know either,” Remus said, “But I know what won’t happen if you tell me. I won’t tell another soul. I’d die before I told anyone else.” The solemnity of his face gave James the chills and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Remus. “You keep my secret, James, better than even Sirius ever has. I respect you. You’re brilliant, you’re brave, you’re one of the best people this world has. I’d be honored to hold your secret, too, James. I want to be there for you.”

James hesitated. “I dunno Rey.”

Remus looked up at the sky.

James stared at him in profile for a long moment.

“I did something,” he said quietly, looking back at the door of the balcony warily.

Remus looked back at him, saw him glanced at the door, and quickly waved his wand. There was a click as the door locked and he turned back to James. “Go on.”

James cleared his throat. “Everything’s messed up, Remus… and it’s my fault. It’s all my fault. And I can’t figure out exactly what happened, only that it’s all different than it was… and I hate it, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Remus’s eyebrows cinched, confused.

“Let me start at the -- well, I guess it’s more the middle than it is the beginning, depending how you look at it. The story’s sort of folded over itself, I guess…” James bit his lip. He felt guilty, disobeying Dumbledore’s order not to tell anyone what happened so soon after it had been issued. But James was going mad without a shoulder to lean on and Remus’s shoulder was such a trustworthy one… “Have you ever heard of a time turner, Rey?”

Remus’s eyebrows unhitched and a dawning look of understanding slowly came over his face. “James,” he said quietly.

“In another timeline, Dumbledore gave me a time turner and had me go back to change the past. To save us. To save me and you and - and Sirius. And a bunch of other people. People who were dead or were about to be killed…”

“Messing with time is really dangerous, James,” he breathed, a disturbed yet sort of excited look on his face, echoing in his eyes.

“Sirius was dead, Rey. I didn’t have a choice,” James replied.

“He was… he was dead?” Remus looked sick.

James nodded.

“Gods,” Remus murmured.

“I don’t know what’s happening anymore, Rey,” James said. “I turned back time and fucked it all up.”

It said a lot about their friendship that Remus did not look at James as though he were mental, nor did he say anything in doubt about what he had said, as though this were not a completely mad explanation, as though I turned back time and fucked it all up was something that was perfectly acceptable, perfectly ordinary. Remus looked a mixture of relieved and horrified and he put his hand out onto James’s shoulder in support.

“I’ll tell you anything you need to know. Anything.“ Remus said.

James looked up at him, “Merlin’s beard, Rey. Tell me everything.”