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Colours and Feelings


James was sitting on the edge of his bed when Ned Veigler gently pushed open the door. James was staring down at his toes and muttering to himself in a low voice - “Don’t be selfish, you can’t expect him to sit about weeping for Moony when he has a chance like this. You’re fine. You’re not depressed like he was, he needs Remus and you’re fine alone if you need to be. And nothing’s going to happen anyway, James. Bloody hell, of course not, he’s dad, he’s going to be alright! Don’t be an idiot. Don’t be selfish… You march down there and tell Sirius you’re happy for him and Moony. Go on. Do it, you great prat.” But he couldn’t… He sat exactly where he was, his lip trembling and he whispered, “Maybe just a minute more of being selfish. But then you go and you tell him… Alright.” His throat felt like a great lump.

Ned cleared his throat, not wanting to startle James coming in the door behind him, and James turned about in surprise and stared at Ned for a moment. He stood up and he said, in a falsely chipper voice, which cracked along the edges a wee bit, “I was just - coming to get my trainers… so very happy -- Sirius and Remus… I mean…” He paused. Ned was just staring at him with these sympathetic eyes and James sighed.

“What’s going on, James?” Ned Veigler asked gently and he walked over and pulled James’s desk chair out and sat in it backwards, his beard hanging over the back of the chair as he watched James standing there looking confronted.

James shook his head.

“Don’t want to talk of it?” Ned asked, “That’s alright. I understand. Merlin knows I understand the idea of running away from bits of your life you don’t much like,” he added.

James murmured, “It’s not that.”

“No?” Ned tilted his head slightly.

James ran a hand through his hair, “I really am happy for Sirius and Remus, I wasn’t just saying that. Really.”

“Of course.”

“They’re my best mates,” James said. “I’d… literally do anything for them.” He thought of the time turner.

So did Ned Veigler.

Ned sat upright and rested his chin on the back of the chair, watching James.

James sighed and sat on the end of the bed. “My dad’s sick,” his voice was heavy. He paused then, “Dying, really. He’s in the hospital. Dragon pox. The scales are growing so fast they have to scrape them nearly three times a day and I don’t know what to do, he’s my dad, he’s - he’s my hero - he’s... --” James paused and shook his head, sweeping his hands over his damp eyes. “Listen to me. Selfish again. I mean, perhaps dying’s a mercy to him at this point, I dunno.”

“It isn’t selfish to want him to get better, James,” Ned said gently, “Nor to wish for your friends to be there for you.”

“There’s nothing they can do anyway. Sirius might as well be in Iceland as here. It doesn’t really make a difference, does it? It’s not as though Dad will be healed because Sirius is sleeping across the hall from me.”

Ned said, “No, but you’ll have someone to talk with about it.”

James shook his head, “I can’t talk about it with Sirius.”

“Why?”

“Sirius has been depressed... And my Dad’s basically his Dad. He gets as worked up as I do. It’s just Sirius’s way of dealing with things is to push it away until it floods him, so he’ll ignore the fact that Dad’s sick until one day it’ll whomp him upside the head and he’ll spin out and I’ll have to bloody pick up the pieces and put him back together again. Me and Moony. Just like we always do. He’s bleedin’ Humpty Dumpty and we’re the king’s men, and --” James shook his head, “I can’t talk to Sirius. I’m the strong one. I’m the one Sirius talks to about things like that.”

Ned’s eyes were apologetic.

“Honestly, I’m fine,” James said. “I don’t want to stop him going with you and Remus, I want him to be happy again. And that down there’s the happiest I’ve seen him since before Christmas.”

Ned Veigler nodded slowly, then, “You know you’re welcome, too.”

“I gotta stay with my mum and dad.”

“Maybe a weekend. Maybe - maybe some full moon.”

James nodded, “Maybe.”

Veigler stood up and pushed the desk chair in where it belonged. He stuck his hands into the pockets on his jacket and he thought a moment, standing there before James, sort of rocking himself as he stared up at the ceiling, deciding how to word what he wanted to say next… When he looked back to James, the boy had sighed and laid back on the bed, his hands folded on his chest. Veigler said, slowly, “Do you have a watch, James?”

“No sir,” James murmured.

“Alarm clock?”

“No,” James looked at Veigler with a raised eyebrow. “Why?”

Ned shook his head, “Just… just curious.”

James’s face was one of confusion.

Ned Veigler wanted to say more, but it was clear he either didn’t know how, or didn’t dare to, or -- or something. He stood there rather awkwardly while James stared up at him and finally he clapped his hand onto James’s shoulder. “I don’t know your father extremely well, but I do know he’s a good man, James, a brave man. I’m very sorry to hear that he’s so ill.”

James said, “Everyone is sorry when they hear it.” His voice was sort of numb. This was one of the phrases that he’d heard so many times it had become meaningless. Why did everyone have to say that to him? He wished people would just stop being sorry. What good did sorry do? None. It didn’t stop him hurting, didn’t stop Charlus’s scales from growing. It just reminded James of the hopelessness, and his inability to do anything about the situation.

Everyone’s inability to do anything.

Which was why it was selfish to expect Sirius to stay. He couldn’t very well do anything either.

“Sir, I don’t want Sirius knowing I was upset about him going to Fallygonder or whatever with you and Remus.” James stared up at Ned with a plea in his eyes, “I just want him to go with you and be happy if that’s what he wants. I’ll be alright.”

“I’m sorry I made the offer, I didn’t know about your father. Remus didn’t tell me.”

“I haven’t really told Remus,” James answered. “And I’m glad you did make the offer. Sirius needs a break. Just keep an eye on him, please. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

“Of course,” Ned promised.

“It’s harder than it sounds,” James warned.




“So tell me about this Ace Dante?” Dorcas asked. She was sitting opposite Sirius at a table in the little dining room at St. Mungo’s, they were the only ones in the room, sandwiches and crisps before them, and bottles of pumpkin juice. Dorcas took a sip of her juice.

Sirius shrugged, “There’s not a lot to tell, I dunno.” He rearranged the crisps on his plate.

“Have you been friends with him long?” she asked.

“Dunno if I’d say friends per-say,” he replied, “He lives by James’s place and he had that motorbike outside in the driveway and I thought it was cool, so I sort of spied on it a bit last year, just to see the bike. Then James and I stole it last year to see Remus and that’s really it, I went with Remus and Newt Scamander and Dumbledore brought the bike back. He told me once when he caught me spying on the bike that if I bought a used one someday he’d help me fix it up, and that was cool. I wanted to do that but I didn’t have money so. Then this year I had money and I ran into him and he was selling the cool bike I liked. So I bought it.”

Dorcas nodded, “What kind of bike is it?”

“A 1974 Twin Engine Triumph Bonneville 4-Cylinder, magically modified with a Gryffindor-red body and chrome accent,” Sirius said it all in one long gasp of air.

Dorcas nodded, “Cool, so a red one.” She smirked. She didn’t really speak motorcycle-ese.

Sirius nodded, “Yeah. A red one.”

“Have you liked motorbikes long?”

“I stole one from the Muggle Artefacts Museum at school once - in fourth year - and flew it to my darling cousin Bellatrix’s house and - well, we blew it up.”

Dorcas stared at him. “You what now?”

“Blew it up.”

“The house or the bike?”

“The house. With the bike.”

Dorcas blinked.

“It’s a long story,” Sirius answered her unspoken question.

Dorcas wrote on her clipboard, exploded motorbike - cousin’s house, then looked at Sirius as she laid down her quill. “So the red motorcycle is the one you were caught flying last night, then?”

“Yes. That’s my motorbike.” He paused, then reached into his pocket and produced the clipping of the article from the Daily Prophet, which he held out to Dorcas. “See there? That’s my bike. And look. That’s my boyfriend jumping on board it to snog me. And my friend Evans’s car. You saw her last night, she’s the ginger, and James was in there too.”

Dorcas stared at the picture.

“Very romantic, mid-sky snogging,” Sirius said, taking back the article after a moment.

“It is” agreed Dorcas. She put a couple crisps in her mouth.

Sirius asked, “Was it weird seeing Gideon Prewett again last night?”

Dorcas shook her head, “We actually see each other somewhat frequently. We’re both involved in the Resistance.”

Sirius looked up. “You are?”

“Sure.”

“Blimey, that’s brilliant. I didn’t know you were in the Resistance. You must know Bilius Weasley, too, then?”

Dorcas nodded, “He was a year behind Gideon, Fabian, and I at school. Little joker, he was, always up to something… he set fire to the tail of Mrs. Norris one year, lighting off firecrackers in the Ravenclaw tower courtyard...”

Sirius grinned, “We heard about that.”

“Never seen a cat run so fast in all my life.”

Sirius laughed.

Dorcas smiled, then said, “So you bought the motorbike from Ace Dante, then?”

“Yeah. D’you know what Gideon did with it once he got it down from the sky? It’s rightfully mine. I bought it.”

“Dunno,” Dorcas answered, “You’ll have to ask Gideon.”

“Perhaps you ask Gideon for me and you two set to talking and then fall back in love and --”

Dorcas smirked, “Alright you little matchmaker, calm down.”

Sirius grinned and took a couple quick bites of his sandwich.

Dorcas cleared her throat and said, “Sirius, did Ace Dante hurt you?”

Sirius shook his head.

“What happened?”

Sirius sighed and put down his sandwich. “He sold me the bike and one day I went over there sort of upset and he offered me a beer, and then he offered me this stuff he called sunshine, well it was weird it was like licking a funny postage stamp, and then he kissed me and… well, it felt sort of good, and I was missing Remus Lupin and I sort of…” Sirius paused. “I s’pose I hallucinated he was Remus.”

“Did you know it was drugs, what he was giving you?” Dorcas asked.

“No. I’m stupid.”

“You aren’t stupid,” Dorcas said gently.

Sirius stared down at his lap, “I didn’t know. Really. I - I don’t know what I thought. I was really upset about everything and Achlys was telling me loads of bad stuff and --”

Dorcas was nodding, but Sirius stopped for a moment. He stared at his plate. “And…?” Dorcas prodded.

Sirius looked up at her. “As I said, it felt good when he kissed me and in my head it wasn’t Ace, it was Remus, because of the… the sunshine stuff… and I, I dunno. The next thing I knew we’d --” he stopped. Shrugged. “I don’t really recall all of if - or at least I don’t really recall what was true of it. There’s just sort of… blurry colours in my head I guess. And… feelings. A whole mess of feelings.”

Dorcas said, “Tell me about the colours and feelings.”

Sirius stared at his plate.

“It’ll help,” Dorcas offered. “Telling someone about things -- it lightens the load on your shoulders because you’re sharing the effort of carrying it. Suddenly you aren’t the only one anymore.” She smiled gently.

Sirius looked up at her. “I just wanted to feel anything besides Achlys.”

She nodded.

Sirius paused. “I just wanted Remus. The whole time. When Ace kissed me, I thought of Remus because the kiss wasn’t like Remus’s. It wasn’t Remus’s mouth. And when Ace touched me I closed my eyes and pretended it was Remus. And… I guess the drugs made it Remus in my head because I remember saying his name a lot. And there was a lot of… of you know, skin coloured blur and I kept my eyes shut so tight… you know those little colour fireworks you see when you squeeze your eyes tight? There was a lot of that. We were… still… you know… when… when I realized he wasn’t Remus and I sort of freaked out. I - I think I might have punched him. I don’t know if I did or if I just thought I did. I pushed him off me though and… and I left. I left without my stuff. I left pulling my jean on - that was all I took. I went to the market. I dunno why. It’s right down the street from Ace’s house, I guess. And the market was all bright lights and all those packages… I was walking about and I remember buying loads of hot chocolate because it reminded me of Remus. We had hot chocolate on our first date. And there was a lot of rain outside. I remember running through the woods and everything was grey and yellow-looking--” he’d been a dog, “--and I was so afraid. Everything was scary. Everything was moving. Sort of vibrating and --” Sirius waved his hands before him like he was mimicking the ocean’s waves. “I thought I was going to die.”

Dorcas frowned.

“I was okay with it if I did.”

“Why?”

“Because nothing was right anymore. Nothing. I was laying there in bed and the ceiling kept moving like there was a million tiny white bugs crawling all over it, soI hid in the Potters bathtub… and I was crying in the bathtub - I wanted Remus because Remus was the only person who ever said he loved me, ever - and…” he looked at the scars on his wrist, “And I thought about opening those up. I didn’t think Rey would understand. I didn’t think he’d forgive me. I didn’t think he’d be able to look at me, once knew about Ace. I certainly didn’t believe he’d love me anymore. I didn’t even love me. And my wrists were… all those scars… I thought I’d just open it up and let them bleed all over to get the memory of Ace out. Like maybe if I let it bleed away, I might be less guilty of it. And Achlys told me to do it.”

“What made you decide not to do it, Sirius?” Dorcas asked.

“I didn’t. I would’ve… except James called my name at that exact moment and he came in the bathroom.” His voice shook.

“I’m glad James found you.”

Sirius said, “Me, too. James is always saving my life. Always. That’s when I realized I needed help. That’s you. You’re Help.”

Dorcas smiled. “And all this time I thought my name was Dorcas.”

Sirius laughed.

“It’s very brave, Sirius,” Dorcas said, “Deciding to get help. I’m proud of you.”

“Proud of me?” Sirius asked, his face in awe.

“Yes, very,” Dorcas smiled.

“Dunno if anybody’s ever been proud of me before,” Sirius said.

Dorcas replied, “Well. I am.” She took the last bite of her sandwich, and started cleaning up her place at the table, and said, “So I can’t wait to visit you in Iceland for our next session. Is Monday alright with you?”

“Brilliant.” Sirius smiled. “Remus says there’s a kneazle.”

Dorcas’s eyes lit up, “I love kneazles.”

“Remus says he’s a good one.”

Dorcas smirked, “Are you excited about the kneazle?”

Sirius shrugged. “As I’ve said. I’m a dog person.”