- Text Size +
Professor Sirius Black


Elphinstone Urquart was late to the first Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

“Oi… you take a shower this morning, Padfoot? I think your dog smell has scared off the professor!” James snickered as he sat down in his usual seat.

Yes, I fucking showered!” Sirius answered, and he accidentally-on-purpose hit James in the back of the head with his bookbag.

James sat forward, “Could kill a man like that!” he complained, rubbing his head, but Sirius just grinned as he deposited the bag onto the desktop. James looked over at Lily, who was unpacking her bag on his left side and his eyes scooted from her perfectly laid out parchment, quill, and ink bottle, up to her face. “Did you see what he’s just done?”

“Hmm?” she looked over, “You mean defend himself as you bully him? I did.”

“Ah bloody hell,” James muttered and he turned and looked up at the office door at the top of the winding staircase, where Remus had gone to knock and see if Professor Urquart was there - but Remus was turned back toward them, shrugging, and coming back down the stairs. “He isn’t in there?” James asked.

“If he is, then he isn’t answering,” Remus replied.

Lily looked upset, “Well this is the very first class! That’s not a very good sign for him to be a good teacher!”

“Too bad Peter isn’t here, we could send him to go see if he’s still at breakfast,” James said, leaning back in his seat and stretching out. Because Peter had gotten Poor on his Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L., he wasn’t able to continue on in the class, and so he’d gone to the library instead to do some pre-studying for Charms and Transfiguration, which they would be attending after lunch. James watched as Lily sat down and opened her textbook to the first chapter and set to bending over it to read, crossing her feet - her braid falling over her shoulder onto the open page of the book.

Sirius grinned as Remus sat down at his desk and started unpacking the same as Lily had done. He turned on his heels and walked backwards toward the front of the room.

“What are you doing?” Remus asked suspiciously, looking up as Sirius went ‘round the desk to the teacher’s seat. “Sirius, you shouldn’t --”

But Sirius had already set himself down in the chair and was flinging his feet up on the desk and he grinned, lounging there a moment before he sat forward and picked up a pair of glasses that sat, neatly folded, on the desk. He shoved them onto his face. “Bleeding hell, this codger’s even blinder than you are, Prongsie.”

James snickered.

“Remus -- Moony -- darling, do you fancy me in spectacles?” SIrius asked, modelling the glasses and framing his face with his hands. “Do I look smarter?” The glasses fell down his face as he said this and he swore and pushed them back up.

“You’d look smartest if you came to your desk,” Remus muttered, “Before you get yourself in trouble.”

“Yes, Sirius, do sit down before you get yourself in trouble,” Lily said.

Sirius grinned and drew his wand, waving it at the blackboard. A bit of chalk flew up from the tray before it and he cleared his throat as the chalk wrote out PROFESSOR SIRIUS BLACK across the board. He turned - the glasses falling back down, and he pushed them back up. “Alright you slackers… today I’m going to teach you to defend yourselves like men! ...and women!” he added the second part when Lily Evans had looked up with a disapproving expression.

Remus groaned and covered his face.

“A git like you, gonna teach us to defend ourselves like men?” James said, scooting forward to the edge of his seat, amusement playing upon his face. “Don’t you need to be a man before you can teach such rubbish, ickle pup?”

“More a man than you!” Sirius answered. “And just for that, you can be my first victim. I mean student. Get up here, Potter, and we’ll see how well you can defend yourself against my wrath!”

Lily rolled her eyes as James stood up eagerly, drawing his wand from his robes. “Will both of you just bloody have a seat? Professor Urquart --”

Isn’t here,” Sirius said pointedly. The glasses fell down his face again. “Ferfuckssake, Prongs! How do you deal with these bloody things?”

“Well mine fit my face so they stay at least a little bit better than those are staying on you,” James laughed.

Sirius could barely see through them anyway, the prescription was far too thick, and he squinted at James as they fell and he pushed them back up again. He waved his wand about, “Well - no matter. I’ll blast yours from your nose! I’ll engorge your nostrils so big that Peter Pettigrew could fit in them!”

“He’d end up wedged he’s so fat,” James joked.

Remus had his face buried in his arms on the table.

Lily stood up. “I swear to Merlin, I’ll give you both detentions if you don’t sit down.”

“Then I’ll turn you into a duck, darling, and you won’t be able to give me a detention if you’re quacking, will you?” Sirius said regally and he turned, brandishing his wand at her jokingly, but James jumped in front of it anyway and waved his wand at Sirius in reply and Sirius’s nose was struck with a good deal of sparks and a with a pop! his nose had been transfigured into a long flamingo’s beak.

Remus looked up to see the damage as the pink beak exploded from his boyfriend’s face and Sirius waved his wand at James and James’s ears turned into donkey ears and James waved his at Sirius and Sirius suddenly had loads of neon pink feathers sprouting all over his body and Sirius waved his at James and a tail exploded from James’s arse as large teeth popped out of the front of his mouth and he let out a loud heee-honk!

Remus’s eyes were quite wide. “Merlin’s beard,” he said as James transfigured Sirius’s knees - and since a flamingo’s knees work backwards of a boy’s there was a loud crack as they changed and Sirius toppled over the side of the desk and fell onto the floor - black webbed feet flailing into the air.

Hee-honk!” James laughed, the braying echoing off the walls as he pointed and Sirius waved his wand once more before his arms turned to wings and James’s hands were suddenly hooves and both their wands rolled off across the floor and Lily ran forward and picked them up from the floor.

“You absolute idiots!” she shouted. “Positively ridiculous! I should leave you both just as you are!!” she stared down at the donkey and the flamingo as she trotted ‘round her desk. “Bloody hell.” She waved her wand, “Finite incantantum!” and both boys popped back to their usual selves.

Sirius rubbed his nose. “Am I my sexy self again?” he asked.

“I’m sorry. When were you sexy?” James asked, snickering.

“Look at that -” Lily said, glaring at James, “Still an ass.”

James looked up at her as she threw his wand to him and Sirius’s to Sirius. “Nearly seventeen years old and still acting like children,” she muttered as she went back to her desk and sat down, yanking her book to herself and glaring down at the text.

James got up and felt his trousers for the tail to be sure it was gone and hurried back to his seat as Sirius tossed the glasses onto the desk and sat down beside them.

They were deadly silent for several long minutes.

Then the office door opened and Elphinstone Urquart came out, tugging on his teaching robes. He ran down the steps to the desk and grabbed the glasses there, pushing them onto his face. “Sorry, I’m late,” he said, “I do apologize. I had to answer a floo with the auror’s office about a break in at Gringott’s - I do apologize…” he sat and pulled himself up to the desk quickly.

“A break in at Gringott’s?!” Sirius exclaimed, “What?! When? Who? HOW?”

“Just a couple kids wanting to see a dragon is all,” muttered Professor Urquart and he smiled. “I’m glad to see you didn’t get into any trouble while I was away.”

Lily looked up, about to inform him that they had gotten into quite a lot of trouble, actually when Professor Urquart turned and looked at the blackboard. The chalk, which Sirius had set into motion and forgotten about in his excitement of the stupid duel against James, had embellished his name quite a bit, then set to writing obscenities at random across the slate. Professor Urquart watched it a moment, his eyebrows raised.

Sirius sank down in his chair and whispered, “Finite incantantum,” and the chalk fell into the tray at the bottom of the board with a click.

Professor Urquart was smirking when he turned back around to face the students. Specifically at Sirius Black. He shook his head, “Well. She was right.”

“What?” Sirius asked.

“Minerva was right,” Professor Urquart said, and he stood up and took up the eraser and manually wiped the board clean, “I’ve been downstairs for but a minute and I’m already questioning my decision to teach school.”

Sirius looked at James, who shrugged. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.

“Your reputation as a troublemaker proceeds you, Mr. Black!” Professor Urquart answered, then, with a chuckle, “You are so very much like your mother was when she was your age...”

Sirius’s face burned bright red. “I am nothing like that horrible bitch,” he answered, the humor falling from his face instantly.

Professor Urquart looked quite surprised at this reaction - his mouth flapped like a fish’s mouth - even as Sirius stood up and stormed to the door

Silence fell over the room.

“Excuse me,” Professor Urquart said, jumping to his feet, and he hurried out of the room after Sirius.

The silence continued in the classroom, and Remus stared over his shoulder at the door as Lily and James sat staring at the desk. “Well. So much for no drama in sixth year. Lasted longer than I expected.” Remus said, and he stood up, “I better go, you know, sort him out before he hexes the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and we have to produce coffee mugs that say I was taught by Professor Urquart for two and a half minutes on 2 September 1976 or some rubbish.” Remus ran off after Sirius as well.

James and Lily sat there side by side, alone.

James swallowed back the nerves that were crawling through him.

Lily sighed. “Well, this year is starting out bang-on, isn’t it?” she muttered.

James turned to look at her. “Brilliant, yeah.”

“What are we supposed to do, you reckon?” she asked.

James glanced over his shoulder at the door, then back to Lily. “Well. We could snog.” When she glared at him, he added quickly, “Strictly as friends, Evans, of course.”

Lily said, “James - we’re in a classroom. Really!”

“So?”

“No. We’re not snogging in a classroom.” She added, “Especially not after that ridiculous display you’ve just put on with Sirius a moment ago!”

James smirked. “You didn’t like my ass, Evans?”

Lily stared at him with an annoyed expression.

James laughed.