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Why Do You Say That Potter?


Meg Johnson and McKenna Alliston had a fight in Potions on Monday morning.

The story of it spread throughout the school like wildfire. The two girls had been partners in Potions since Meg’s transfer from Ilvermorny and there’d been one little comment made about James Potter and the friendship they’d spent years cultivating was instantly destroyed as they rolled about tugging at each other’s curls, shrieking loudly. Horace Slughorn had to use his wand to separate them and had marched them up the stairs to the headmaster’s office, who was acting as the Gryffindor Head of House until Minerva McGonagall returned from her leave in Faere Dhu. The girls were assigned detention with Professor Gaunt for Wednesday evening.

“Instant cat fight,” Sirius said, “Just add James Potter.”

“Stop it,” James said with a sigh.

Sirius grinned, “I heard Meg ripped a fistful of McKenna’s hair right out.”

James stared at Sirius.

“At least you haven’t said oh gods Evans to McKenna yet, mate!”

“Will you please let it go already?” James whined.

Sirius smirked. “You know, James, life was a lot more peaceful back when you only liked Lily Evans. I’m just saying. All this girl drama… it’s just so much drama. This is why girls are awful, Prongs. Hey, perhaps you should think about fucking boys as well? We take far less maintenance.”

James buried his face in his arm.

“Just think. All your problems would be solved. They’d leave you alone, eventually…” Sirius glanced down the table to see Carly Shaw was staring at him like she usually did and he said, “Well. Mostly anyways.” He cleared his throat. “It’s really great. I mean, you’ll have to be stuck with Peter, seeing as Moony and I are already taken… so you won’t have my magnificent body laying out before you like I’m sure you’d prefer, but Peter’s not exactly ugly, I mean, he could lose a few stone but ---”

“Fuck. Off. Sirius.”

Sirius grinned. “Or you could just snog me off in the common room next Tuesday night. That’ll make her really jealous.”

James gave Sirius The Look.

“Just don’t go getting addicted to these lips, Prongs.” Sirius waved at his mouth, “These lips belong to my Moonshine.”

Remus, who was sitting directly beside Sirius through this entire conversation, looked over and said, “You’d give him back real fast anyway once you got over the novelty of it. This one takes just as much work - if not more - than the girls he’s always complaining are too high maintenance for him.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Well of course I do,” he said, “I’m fucking brilliant. If I was easy, you wouldn’t be earning all of this.” He waved his hands at his body.

James said, “Well, Remus can keep all of that, and I’ll stick to kissing girls, thank you.”

“Poor Peter will be heartbroken,” Sirius said, shaking his head.




Sirius failed his disapparation test on Tuesday. He came back to the dorm from the test shaking. “I splinched,” he said.

“What?” Remus had leaped up from bed, tripping over Sirius’s ridiculously long Gryffindor scarf, set on inspecting what parts were missing from his boyfriend’s body.

James and Peter looked up from the chess game they were playing.

“Well they’ve put it back on but I splinched myself. Left my leg in one hoop and went to the other hoop and hopped about like I was the fucking Hopping Pot.” His face was still pale.

“You could’ve been one-leg-friends with Mad Eye Moody,” Peter said.

“Got yourself a peg like a pirate,” said James.

“Thank Merlin you’re alright,” said Remus, hugging Sirius tightly.

Sirius sighed heavily. “Harder than it looks, disapparation.”

Peter squirmed. “I’ll never pass if you can’t do it.”

“I can,” Sirius said. “I’ll have another go at it next month.”




“I’ll need a volunteer.” Professor Gaunt announced. It was Wednesday and Sirius was staring out the window at the grey sky - snow hitting the window pane, half asleep from having been up half the night with Remus, who had been having early moon pains… Gaunt was suddenly in front of him, his long shadow casting across Sirius’s face. Sirius looked up. “How about you, Mr. Black, care to help me with a demonstration?”

Sirius hesitated, but he got up anyway, stretching his arms to undo the knot settling in his lower spine as he walked up to the front of the room to Gaunt’s beckoning.

“Right up here, Mr. Black,” Professor Gaunt said, directing Sirius where to stand.

Sirius rubbed his nose and stood there… he yawned.

“Today, we’re talking about one of the strongest curses there is,” Gaunt said silkily. He looked at Sirius, who was wiping his eyes, not fully paying attention to the lesson. “Imperio.”

Sirius’s eyes went funny.

James looked at Remus who was gripping the table in anger. “It’s illegal to cast that on a person!” he said. “You’re breaking the law. Release him.”

“It’s for learning sake, Mr. Lupin,” Gaunt said. “Don’t you worry your head. We won’t make him hurt himself… though we could. Under the imperius curse, as you’ve learned before, we could easily make Mr. Black do anything we’d like him to do - anything - even... murder.”

Remus’s stomach turned.

Eileen Prince’s face swam in his mind’s eye.

Lily said, “The imperius seems such a… strange… thing to fall victim of. Especially for those who are hurt by an imperiused wizard. I mean, look at him. Look at his eyes. I would know the moment I saw him that something wasn’t right. That’s not how normal people look.”

James snorted, “Whoever told you Sirius Black was normal?”

Lily said, “You know what I mean.”

“Miss. Evan raises an excellent point. You see, I’ve cast a very simple imperius upon Mr. Black here just now; after all, we are only using this for… educational demonstration purposes...” Professor Gaunt said, as he waved his wand and made Sirius spin on his toes like a dancer… “But some of the more skilled wizards in this world… they can cast imperius spells that are very nearly impossible to trace… nearly impossible to throw off.”

Remus looked sick watching Sirius spin like that, frowning up at Gaunt with a clear look of disapproval.

James said, “Well - that’s telling inn’t?! You-Know-Who is rubbish at casting the imperius.”

Gaunt looked at James, “Why do you say that Potter?”

James replied, “Because -- he is. Just two years ago he tried at casting one on Sirius and Sirius bucked it off in minutes like it was nothing. Not very skilled if that’s the case, eh? Dark Lord my arse… Dark Twatwaffle more like!” he snickered, his eyes shining with humor. Lily looked down at her desk and stifled a laugh and Remus smirked and, although he rolled his eyes, he gave James a high-five.

Gaunt was staring at James with an untellable expression - his face perfect straight and his eyes dark. “You think the Dark Lord is funny, Mr. Potter?”

James shrugged. “I think he’s a big bag of wind. I think he spends entirely too much time on stupid things to actually take over the world. He’s not at all as scary as people make him out to be. Not really. He thinks he is, but… nah.”

Lily was looking at James with an expression of admiration and Remus was looking down at his table, smirking as Gaunt lowered his wand and Sirius tripped off the plinth, coming to himself, the imperius curse released. Sirius caught himself against the desk, dizzy from the spinning he’d been doing through his whole conversation, and said, sounding queasy, “Ferfuckssake!” He wobbled his way ‘round the table and sat down heavily.

Gaunt’s voice was level. “Mr. Potter, do not underestimate the capabilities of your enemies.”

James laughed, “I’m not underestimating him… just don’t think he’s as powerful as everyone thinks he is or he would’ve bloody succeeded at doing something by now, wouldn’t he?”

“Are we making fun of Moldy Voldy, then?” Sirius asked with a snicker. “Delightful! Is it my turn yet?” He grinned.

Gaunt snapped, “Enough!”

He looked about ready to say something more when a sound of a clock alarm in the drawer of the desk made Gaunt turn around. He stared at the desk for a long moment, then turned back to the students. “You’re dismissed.”

“Dismissed?” Remus looked up from where he was doting over poor dizzy Sirius. “Dismissed? We just started.”

“Yes well. Early day to day. For got I have important prior engagements.” He stepped down from the plinth and waved his wand, making all their books fly into their bags, and he shooed them out to the corridor, slamming the door behind them.

James stood there, staring back at it as it slammed in his face.

“That guy’s a pond scum sample,” Sirius declared.