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Lovekaban


On Tuesday, Remus was late for Muggle Studies.

It was Sirius Black’s fault, really.

Remus had been perfectly fine, sitting on his bed, working on writing a Transfiguration essay when Sirius had come up behind him and wrapped himself around Remus like a sexy little spider monkey and proceeded to whisper dirty things into Remus’s ear until the Transfiguration essay was cast aside in lieu of breaking the rule about not snogging for more than ten minutes without coming up for air. By the time they had come up for air, Remus realized he had to go and he had grabbed his tie from the floor where Sirius had cast it and run out the door, still scuffing on his loafers and trying to button his shirt, which was wrinkled and hanging crooked.

He might’ve made it if he had better knees, but he had to pause twice on the way going to the extreme far end of the castle, and he paused by the library, huffing and puffing as he spread his palm against the wall, rubbing his knees with his other hand, before jogging the last few steps and bursting through the Muggle Artefacts Museum into the classroom beyond.

Everyone in the room turned at once.

“How kind of you to join us, Mr. Lupin,” Professor Gaunt said in a cold tone. He waved to Remus’s seat as several boys in the back snickered at Remus’s disheveled appearance. Remus tried to hold his dignity as he walked to his place next to Peter, who looked at Remus knowingly. Remus flushed. Professor Gaunt stepped up to the desk before him. “Where is your book, Mr. Lupin?”

In his rush, Remus had left without his bookbag.

“In my dorm, sir.”

Gaunt stared at Remus for a long moment. “And why would it be in your dorm, Mr. Lupin?”

“Because it doesn’t have legs to walk here on it’s own, sir,” Remus replied snarkily.

Gaunt raised an eyebrow.

Remus stared at him defiantly.

Gaunt said, “And your parchment?”

“Also in my dorm, sir. You see, it, too, lacks legs, sir.”

Professor Gaunt mused, “Yes… I see. Well. You may join me tomorrow for detention - for not coming prepared to class, Mr. Lupin. Now run along and iron your shirt, you look like a beggar on the street and no wizard should look as poorly as you do.”

More snickers from the kids in the back.

“You’re dismissing me from class?” Remus asked, “Again? Am I ever to learn muggle studies?”

“When you arrive on time and without an attitude, yes, Mr. Lupin, then I shall teach you muggle studies. But until you are capable of showing me respect, you’ll go to your dormitory with your legless books and parchment.”

Remus stood up. “Alright. I’ll go back to my dormitory then. Thank you, sir.” He started toward the door, and, as people were still snickering at him, he paused, and turned back. “And I’ll have a brilliant time snogging my boyfriend when I get there. Good day.”

Professor Gaunt stared at the door as several people in the room laughed and Harry Warbeck shouted, “Go get’im Remus!” with a snort from the back of the room.




James ran his hand across McKenna’s shoulders. “You’re so bloody beautiful. Why’s he gotta take you away from me? For a whole evening!”

They were standing outside of the Muggle Artefacts Museum on Wednesday evening, just before McKenna was supposed to go in for her detention with Professor Gaunt. James leaned forward and kissed McKenna, his hands trailing down her arms to her fingers, which he twined together, holding her palm against his. He leaned in and pressed his mouth to her neck, just below her ear.

McKenna sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“Just warn Gaunt that I’m willing to fight him for my girl, will you?” James suggested, looking up at her with his big brown eyes, “Warn him that next time he wants to take my girl away from me, I’ll stand in his way and bloody hex him for trying.” He kissed his way along McKenna’s throat as though making a necklace of kisses on her skin.

“Oh James,” McKenna sighed, pleased. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he reached the other side of her neck, his hands now on her hips, stroking them softly, his long fingers trailing away, close to her bottom…

“Careful, McKenna, he might say Evans if he gets too bothered!” Meg’s voice carried down the corridor as she arrived. James looked up and Meg stared at him a moment, then stepped into the Muggle Artefacts Museum.

“Ginger haired little --” McKenna muttered.

“Shhh,” James whispered, kissing her lips, “Ignore her. She’s just jealous of you is all.”

McKenna sighed.

James kissed her again. “Fighting with her’s how you got in this detention mess to begin with, remember that, love.”

McKenna shivered at being called love and she looked into James Potter’s eyes and thought she might just melt for their wonderfulness. She bent forward to kiss his chin and she ran her fingers through his hair, “I love you James.”

He stiffened.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

McKenna raised her eyebrows. “No - what? What is it? Are you alright? Did I pull your hair?”

“No,” James shook his head. “No you didn’t. I gotta go, McKenna.” He pecked her vaguely on the cheek, then shrugged his way out of her grip, her arms falling to her sides. “I’ll see you later. Have a uh, a good detention, if there is such a thing.” And before she could say another word, he’d run off down the corridor.

McKenna sighed and went inside the room.




Meg Johnson and McKenna Alliston sat in the Muggle Studies classroom at opposite ends of a long table that had been set in the center of the room. Before them, Professor Gaunt sat behind his desk, staring imperiously across the room. The door opened and Remus Lupin came in, looking down, rearranging his textbooks in his bag. A smile spread across Gaunt’s face. “Well, well, look who’s remembered his textbooks this evening.”

Remus sat down in the chair between Meg and McKenna - the only one left - and dropped his bag to the floor.

Gaunt said, “Now that we are all here…” and he waved his wand, locking the door.




James paced back and forth in the dormitory.

Sirius sighed, “Will you bloody relax?”

“I can’t. I don’t know what to do.”

Peter suggested, “Sitting is an option.”

James shook his head.

Sirius sat up, casting aside the magazine he had on his lap. “So what - McKenna loves you. Big fucking deal. The entire female population of Hogwarts loves you.”

James groaned, “You aren’t helping.”

“McKenna’s just the one that’s said it today is all. Tomorrow it’ll be Emmaline Vance and the day after that it’ll be some Hufflepuff girl. Maybe even a Slytherin. Imagine that? You in love with some Slytherin vixen?”

Peter asked, “What would be so wrong with being in love with a Slytherin girl? They aren’t all terrible. And his dad’s done it, hasn’t he?”

Sirius said, “Yeah well it’s different times right now, Pete.” He crawled his way down the length of the bed so he was leaning over the edge, looking up at James as he paced. He cupped his cheeks in his hands. “Why does it bother you she loves you?”

James sighed, “Because it isn’t supposed to be about love. It’s supposed to be about snogging. It’s supposed ot be some stupid fling, not anything serious. I don’t want to be serious.”

“Everybody wants to be me, Potter, don’t lie.”

“Fuck you.”

“You wish.”

Peter said, “Wait - you don’t like McKenna?”

James looked over at Peter. “I like McKenna, sure. I think she’s swell. But I don’t love McKenna.”

“Well. Who do you love, then?” Peter asked.

James stared at him for several long moments, then turned back to pacing. “This is just not good. McKenna can’t love me. She just can’t. I don’t want to be that kind of boyfriend. What if she thinks we’re really serious now? What if she’s expecting…. I don’t know, more than I can give her?”

Sirius smirked. “You don’t want to give it to her, Prongs?”

“Why is everything a dirty joke to you?” James questioned.

Sirius’s eyes glowed, “Well I mean, you say something like that and I’m going to go there. Stop setting me up if you don’t like it.”

James paced more.

Sirius said, “Look, her and Meg are locked up in a room together right now. There’s no telling what’ll go on. Maybe they’ll duel over you again.”

James glared at Sirius.

“Remus can play referee.”

“Yeah. Right. Remus can’t even tame you,” Peter said, looking over, “How’s he supposed to tame two shrews?”

Sirius’s voice was defensive, “Are you calling my boyfriend weak?”

Peter shrugged and turned back to the crystals he had laying out on the bed. “Maybe I could tell your future, James,” he suggested, changing the topic.

James ignored him.

Peter scooped the crystals up into their velvet bag and shook it about, eyes closed, concentrating on what he was doing.

“I’ll have you know,” Sirius was saying, “My boyfriend is a fucking pillar of strength, a glorious adonis of pure manly power and --”

Peter dumped the crystals on to the bed as Sirius went on.

“ -- braver than any knight, more solid than any giant, with a giant-sized d --”

“OH!” Peter squealed, his cry covering whatever it was Sirius had been about to say. James looked up. “Ohhh no.”

“What is it?” James asked as Sirius rolled over on the bed to look at Peter.

Peter was looking down at the crystals, mouth open a little bit, and he looked up at James, “It says you’re going to prison.”

Sirius laughed. “Peter you’re an idiot. You and those stupid rocks. You can’t tell the future from a bunch of shiny rocks, alright? That Clearwater woman’s mad. Remember last year, all the chanting and dancing about the fire pit rubbish she had us doing?”

“You were rather into that, if I recall?”

“Only because I’m a mad man who takes and opportunity to dance. Not because I believed that tosh.” He rolled his eyes. “Really Peter, Divination’s a load of dung.”

James sighed, “Besides, I’m already in a prison. A prison of love!” He returned to pacing.

“That’s right, Prongs,” Sirius said, “Incarcerated by McKenna’s confession of feelings! She’s locked you up and tossed away the key! Get out your striped garb - you’ll be a fashion king of the halls of Lovekaban unless you throw off the reins she’s trapped you in. Buck her or fuck her, mate, you’ve only got two options.”

Peter stared at the crystals.

James sighed, “I guess I’ll have to break up with her.”

“And who will you date next?” Sirius mused, leaning back into the pillows, “Who’s the next lucky girl in the queue? And what’ll you do when you’ve run out of them? What then?”

James ran his hands through his hair.

“Just let me know whenever you’re ready to snog in the common room and I’ll pencil you in for the next bank holiday, darling.”