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The Confession of Severus Snape


Lily Evans stood in the doorway of the Great Hall at breakfast next morning, waiting. She’d only just been released by Madam Pomfrey and come down - not to eat, as Peter, James, Sirius, and Remus had done - but to see Severus Snape. She watched Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, Gryffindors, and other Slytherins move into the hall, joshing and pushing one another about, laughing, unaware of all that had gone on the night before - not a care in the world. Finally, after what seemed eons, Severus finally came up the stairs from the dungeons. When he saw her there, across the entrance hall, he came to a stop and stared at her, relieved to see her, and apprehensive of what she would say.

She nodded toward the door.

Outside, they walked a little way down the path that led across the grounds from the front doors of the castle without speaking. When they reached a crest in the hill, overlooking the edge of the forest where Lily and the boys had entered the trees, she stopped and turned to him. “Dumbledore said that you were the one who told him what was happening last night,” she said, eyes pinched with confusion. “How did you know?”

Severus hesitated.

“You were looking at my mind, weren’t you?” Lily asked gently, prodding him to tell her the truth.

Severus shook his head - it was not a lie. He’d tried to look into Lily’s mind, but he couldn’t find it, which had been what had ultimately prompted him to go to Dumbledore.

“What then?” Lily demanded, “How could you possibly have known?”

Severus sighed and gnawed upon his bottom lip. “Yesterday, at lunch, I saw you… sitting with… with them,” he said. He rubbed the back of his neck as he confessed, “I couldn’t stand it, I just hate when you sit with them! It burns me up, I get so jealous, Lily. They don’t deserve your company, they’re a bunch of bullying gits! Especially Potter... the way he thinks about you… it infuriates me! And I - I can hear his brains so clearly it was like they were broadcast about for the entire world to know. He was worried about you, though, thinking how he’d rather you didn’t get involved, afraid what would happen if you did… and then relieved because you didn’t want to be. And I wondered involved in what - they’re never up to any good, after all, and - well, I didn’t give much of a damn if you weren’t involved, so I only half paid attention to the rest of his thinking. All I got of it was that it was dangerous and involved the Forbidden Forest.... I wanted to tell Dumbledore, but I didn’t know how to tell him what I knew. I didn’t want to tell him about my ability.”

Lily asked, “Well, then, why did you tell him?”

“Because I woke up during the night feeling utter panic and I realized I was hearing him again, and he was afraid - for you - and that’s when I realized that you were out there. And he was thinking about the Dark Lord and what would happen if the Dark Lord caught you and --” Severus stopped. “I told them you’d told me about it and I’d thought you were just kidding until I’d seen you go.”

He’d thought enough about what would happen to Lily in the presence of the Dark Lord for a very long time. Muggleborn and as prone to sass as Lily was, it would take no time at all before she’d infuriated Voldemort. The thought made him queasy. So queasy that he’d been nearly dizzy with fear as he’d run through the castle, yelling for Dumbledore or Moody the night before, desperate for somebody - anybody - that could go to save her.

Lily reached out and took Severus’s hand in hers. “Thanks,” she said, smiling at him, “You saved all of us by doing that. We didn’t know what we were getting into. It was so scary, Sev! He’s awful, you should have seen him, he’s just awful.”

Severus had seen him, of course, many times in the mirror, alongside Lucius Malfoy.

“You’re really a hero, Sev,” she said.

Severus flushed. He had never been a hero before, but he rather liked being Lily’s hero. Warmth spread through him and he said, “I’ll be your hero anytime. Always.”

Lily smiled and leaned over and placed a little kiss on his cheek. “Listen, I better go, I’ve got to get back to the Great Hall, I’ve got to eat something and then we’re all supposed to go talk to Dumbledore about what happened.”

Severus nodded, struck dumb by the touch of her lips on his cheek.

“I’ll see you, though, okay?” Lily asked.

Severus nodded again.

“Bye,” she said, and she ran back to the castle, up the stairs and in through the doors of the castle.

Severus stood on the spot for several moments, staring off at the forest. He touched his cheek where she’d kissed him and felt his stomach twist and dance with delight. What he wouldn’t do to feel the touch of her kiss on his cheek every single day for the rest of his life! He closed his eyes, imagining those soft little lips and her green eyes…

Suddenly a hand clapped down on his shoulder and he looked up and found Mulciber looking down at him, stern faced. “Thought Lucius said you wasn’t talkin’ to that Gryffindor girl no more?” He asked.

Severus shrugged, “What Lucius doesn’t know, won’t hurt.”

“Might,” Mulciber growled, “She tell you she defied the Dark Lord?” He asked, “Her and them Gryffindor boys? Turns out it was them, what stole the mirror from Malfoy. Probably was told by that Weasley prat to do it, I reckon... The Dark Lord’s furious.”

Severus swallowed back his nerves.

“If I was you,” Mulciber continued, “Shouldn’t be gettin’ on with no mudbloods and blood traitors if I was you. Particularly not that lot. The Dark Lord will be takin’ care o’em in no time and you don’t want to be caught up in that mess.”

Severus shook his head, “Of course not,” he replied quietly.

“Best if Lucius never knows you was out her with her. ‘specially not today. You don’t want the Dark Lord knowin’ that you’ve been consortin’ with her… being half blood yourself and all.”

Severus nodded.

“C’mon then,” said Mulciber, putting his heavy arm ‘round Severus’s shoulder, “Let’s get inside before all the good sausages are taken up.” They walked back up to the castle with a lot more than Mulciber’s considerable weight heavy on Severus’s shoulders.




When Lily rejoined the Gryffindor table, she sat next to the other First Years, rather than with her other friends. A part of her felt guilty, sitting with them so soon after Severus had said how much he hated it when she did but - well, there were things that needed talking about before they went to Dumbledore’s office.. Remus was in the middle of talking about the shield charm Dumbledore had cast the night before - protego - and how he’d read about it in a book he’d found on a little shelf in the hospital wing - Origins of Spells by Bathilda Bagshot. “There you are, Lily,” he said as she settled herself in and fixed herself a bowl of rice cereal. “When Dumbledore cast that charm -- could you feel it?”

She shook her head, “Not really. I was too scared for what You-Know-Who was about to do,” she replied.

“Be glad he didn’t get to use the cruciatus on you,” said James darkly,

“I am… quite glad,” Lily replied. She eyed James Potter, feeling a bit funny knowing that he had been worried enough about her that he’d woken Severus up out of sound sleep. She hadn’t any idea that he’d cared at all about her… but even as she thought that, she remembered the jumper and how gently he’d laid it on her shoulders and how he’d rubbed his arms as they walked after that, clearly cold himself. She looked down, concentrating on her cereal.

That spell has a rather interesting background, too,” said Remus, “It’s a curse of course, but curses are nothing but charms, really - charms change the effects of something, transfigurations change the properties of it, you remember…” and he set off in a long winded explanation of what he’d read about the Unforgivable Curses in books as he’d laid awake in the hospital wing.

They’d just finished breakfast - Peter was even finished with his incredibly tall pile of sausages and toast - when Professor McGonagall came up to the table, a serious look on her face. “Come along, you lot,” she said, “I’m to take you along to the Headmaster.” She swept them along before her. As they walked through the corridors and up the stairs on their way to Dumbledore’s office, she said, “Now whatever the Headmaster has to say to you, I hope that you take it very seriously! Remember you’re representing all of Gryffindor, and it is simply unacceptable to be wandering about the castle, stirring up trouble!”

“Yes professor,” they muttered.

When they reached the stone gargoyles outside of Dumbledore’s office, McGonagall said, “Dooble’s Best Blowing Gum!” The gargoyles jumped out of the way and she muttered something about ridiculous passwords as they crossed through the threshold and onto the magical staircase.

“This is cool,” whispered James to Sirius, admiring the rotating stairs as they ascended through the castle. Even Peter was excited about the staircase, looking around in awe as they were carried up-up-up to the very top of the tower, where the Headmaster’s door loomed before them. Remus smiled at the old wellingtons and the umbrella at the door; a friendly little detail that reminded him each time he’d come here that the headmaster wasn’t as fearful and aloof as he often imagined when thinking of Dumbledore.

McGonagall knocked on the door, looking tartly across the first years, though a flicker of apology for delivering them to their punishments lingered in the edges of her irises.

“Come in, come in,” called Dumbledore from within. McGonagall pushed open the door, and the First Years walked inside, apprehensive and nervous, to find Dumbledore, standing behind his desk, a little smile playing upon his lips as he looked them over. “And here they are,” said Dumbledore, eyes twinkling, “The marauders themselves!”