Kaylee was unable to recall a time in her life when she had ever felt so exhausted. It was hard to keep her heavy eyes open and yet, she found herself unable to peel her gaze away from the soundly sleeping infant tucked safely in her arms. Awe and pride didn't accurately describe the emotions swelling within her and disbelief kept her from completely wrapping her mind around the fact that that baby she held was hers...her son. Not just her son, but Simon's son as well.
Little Sebastian Oliver Tam...
Sebastian was a gorgeous baby, unlike any Kaylee had ever been able to imagine. He had a mop of soft dark hair - so dark it was almost black - atop his head that she couldn't seem to run her fingers through enough and his facial features were so incredibly like his father's, that it made Kaylee's heart ache with sadness. Simon had no idea about any of it. They were supposed to have shared in these joyous moments together and there Kaylee was, alone and broken hearted. She had spent so much time dreaming of this moment and now it was nothing like how she thought it would be.
Kaylee was angry at Simon, no matter how irrational that sounded. She was angry that Simon hadn't been there to help her through the birth of their son like he had promised he would be. She was angry that she felt so empty inside when she knew she had one solid reason to still feel happy. And she was angry that Sebastian had been born without the skilled and carefully guiding hands of his father to usher him into life. But mostly, Kaylee was angry that she didn't know if Sebastian would ever have the chance to meet his father.
The captain and the others were confident they would get Simon back. But Kaylee suspected they were doing nothing more than avoiding reality and ignoring what felt more like the inevitable. It made Kaylee's confidence wane and life around her seem so much darker. Simon's absence wasn't just a void...it was a literal piece of Kaylee that was missing. It didn't matter how much the others were confident; they would never understand. Well, nobody but Zoe...
Kaylee shivered a little as she brushed the pad of her thumb delicately across Sebastian's brows. It was cold in the infirmary now, unlike how it had been earlier. Of course, everything had been so crazy then and she had felt feverish through the exertion it took to give birth. Not to mention everyone crowded around her. Now it felt as if she couldn't retain an ounce of body heat. Not Sebastian though. Inara had tightly swaddled him in a soft blanket to assure he was warm and cozy after cleaning him up. He'd been soundly asleep ever since and Kaylee was more than thankful for that. The event had been just as stressful for him as it had been for her.
Zoe insisted that Kaylee and Sebastian remain in the infirmary for the time being, at least to give her body a chance to begin recuperating before she attempted to move herself. Kaylee didn't have the strength to argue that, even if it pained her being in the infirmary any longer than she wanted to be where there were too many memories of Simon haunting her. It was his space, his corner of Serenity that provided him with a little taste of what his life had been like before coming into their lives. It didn't feel right now, knowing he was gone.
Kaylee sighed quietly and caressed Sebastian's cheek with the tips of her fingers. The silence in the room felt like a suffocating weight pressing in on her and part of her vaguely wondered where everyone had run off too. Sometime after Sebastian's birth, Zoe had sternly ushered everyone out of the infirmary to give the mechanic the chance to rest. She had even brought the bassinet in for Sebastian to sleep in, but Kaylee refused to put him down. Maybe there was more comfort from having Sebastian in her arms than she realized or even cared to admit.
Was it really possible to love someone so much already? Kaylee pondered it as she stared down at the sleeping infant in her arms. Of course she'd fallen in love with her child the moment she found out she was pregnant, but that was natural. And she had spent the entirety of her pregnancy bonding with the baby she carried on an emotional level. But now it felt so completely different. Sebastian was only a few hours old and already Kaylee vowed she would go to the ends of the Verse for him and die for him in an instant if she had to.
She was a mother now.
"May I come in?" Inara's soft voice called out to her, drawing Kaylee from the depths of her thoughts. She pulled her attention away from the infant long enough to look up at the companion and give her permission to enter with a nod of her head. Inara stepped into the infirmary and approached the examining table with a warm smile. "How is he?" she asked curiously.
Kaylee's gaze was focused on Sebastian again, and despite her inner turmoil, she managed a small smile. "He's perfect," she murmured as she once again caressed Sebastian's cheek. "Been sleeping soundly since he's been in my arms."
Inara stopped at Kaylee's side and gazed down at the infant. "He's content," she noted. "And so gorgeous. I am very happy for you, Mei Mei."
"He looks just like his daddy," Kaylee whispered as she inhaled a shallow breath in an attempt to keep herself calm. "I knew he would. Simon has such strong features. I knew this baby would look just like him."
"And I am certain Simon will feel the same way when he sees him," Inara tried to encourage but she could tell even as she said it that it did little good. Kaylee was grieving and Inara couldn't change that.
"Don't say that," Kaylee told her with a tight shake of her head. "I mean...you can't, because you don't know. Captain don't know either."
Inara reached a hand out to gently brush her fingers against the baby's cheek. His skin was so soft and delicate; it awed her. "I can only have faith in saying it."
"Faith isn't gonna bring Simon back, 'Nara," Kaylee sniffled.
Inara shifted her attention to the tired mechanic's face, her expression calm for Kaylee's sake. "Faith keeps hope alive."
"It just ain't right," Kaylee told her tearfully. "I didn't think it would be like this. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He wouldn't have left if I hadn't been so mean to him, making him think I was...I was so mad at him."
"It was a misunderstanding, bao bay [sweetheart]," Inara consoled. "I am certain Simon knows that, too."
Kaylee looked away from her. "It doesn't matter. He's not here because of me."
Sebastian wriggled in Kaylee's arms, letting loose a quiet whine before settling again, his face returning to peaceful. Inara smoothed the hair back from Kaylee's face with a soft sigh, knowing there was no way she could possibly begin to understand the woman's inner torment. Kaylee was gonna feel guilty regardless of what any of them said and it was destroying her joy when she should have been celebrating and enjoying being a new mother. "What did you name him?" Inara finally asked a moment later in an effort to draw the mechanic's mind elsewhere.
Kaylee sniffled again as she studied the infant's innocent facial features. So peaceful without any idea of what was going on around him. "...Sebastian Oliver Tam," she answered quietly. "S'what Simon wanted to name him if he was a boy."
"It is a strong and elegant name befitting of a perfect little prince," Inara nodded her head in approval. "May I hold him?"
Kaylee hesitated at first as she pursed her lips together but she eventually nodded and slowly transferred Sebastian into Inara's awaiting arms. Bitter cold flooded her body as soon as her arms were empty and she fidgeted nervously with the blanket covering her lap. "Captain was hoping for a namesake if it was a boy," she spoke in an unsteady voice.
Inara smiled down at the sleeping infant as she cradled him carefully. "That buffoon would have the entire Verse revolve around him if it were possible," she mused. "I suspect Jayne would want the same. But the name you and Simon chose for this little one is perfect. You should be very proud."
"Oh, 'Nara..." Kaylee sighed with a frown. "I am. I don't mean to make like I'm not."
"I know," Inara replied. She pressed a tender kiss to Sebastian's forehead. "No one is blaming you for how you feel."
Silence fell over the infirmary as Kaylee's mind wandered and Inara saw to the care of little Sebastian. It wasn't a comfortable silence either, but instead filled with tension neither of them wanted to speak of. Even with Inara and Sebastian in the room with her, Kaylee couldn't ignore how alone she truly felt. It was hard to breathe and the more she thought about it, the tighter her chest began to feel. Kaylee's eyes eventually returned to the companion, glistening again. "Where's River? Is she okay?"
Inara looked at Kaylee in question, but moved her gaze away quickly again. "River has been keeping to herself. I believe she was a bit distraught when Zoe would not allow her to return to be with you."
The creases of concern at the corners of Kaylee's eyes became more pronounced. "She must be so upset right now, with Simon being gone and ain't no one paying attention to that. Someone needs to see to her too, 'Nara."
"Can't hear him..." River's meek voice called out from the infirmary doorway, announcing her sudden presence. Inara and Kaylee looked to find the young woman lingering just within the doorway as she tugged lightly at the material of her faded powder blue dress. The frock had been a hand-me-down from Kaylee the year prior and was more grayish than blue with age. River's eyes were glossed over and unfocused with a far-away glance. "I call out to him and he doesn't answer. The silence is loud. It's too cold."
Kaylee sat up a little more, holding the blanket on her lap to keep it from slipping off. "River?" she called out to her.
River winced at the sound of her name. Her breath was shallow and she looked on the verge of another one of her infamous meltdowns. "He's never this silent. They make you quiet and they laugh. Think it's funny what they done."
Kaylee looked to Inara in confusion. "I...I don't understand."
"It hurts," River insisted in a voice that trembled and threatened to give out. "It's too much darkness. They come and they go. Over and over. It never ends until they end it."
"Here..." Inara murmured to Kaylee. She carefully returned Sebastian to the mechanic's arms and turned to River to approach her. "Sweetie, come with me. We will go make some tea so Kaylee and Sebastian can rest."
River half heartedly fought Inara as the companion started to lead her from the infirmary. Her stormy eyes tried to keep sight of Kaylee and the infant. "Simon's name. It's Simon's name."
A muffled sob bubbled up Kaylee's throat as soon as she was alone in the infirmary once again. She could hear River arguing frantically a distance away, desperate for Inara to understand her, and then there was silence. Thick suffocating silence that settled over the infirmary and had hot tears of distress making long tracks down Kaylee's cheeks. She looked down at Sebastian to find his tired eyes peeking open at her and felt the tug on her heart, which only made her cry harder.
"I...I'm so sorry, Sebastian," she stuttered. "This is all my fault."
