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Nick remembered a lot. Not everything though. There was a whole lot of darkness in his mind. At the time; he didn’t know what to do with it and it was frustrating. And it was very strange as well. Because how were you supposed to go on when that rage, that dismay was growing inside of you?

And later, much, much later, Nick would say that he didn’t blame his friend for what he’d done. Later, much, much later, Nick would say he understood. But that was much later.

He stared down at the table, rubbing his temples tentatively, as to try and massage the nagging headache away. There had been nightmares last night. Normally, Nick was fairly successful in keeping them at bay; had studied all of the techniques his therapist had explained to him. And they worked, usually. But last night, every neat little trick seemed totally in vain as Nick had struggled against the dark shadows looming over him; each and every one of them wearing an animal mask. Nick had tried to run, thundering through an endless forest that kept getting darker and darker. The shadows had followed him, laughing and shooting and he’d almost been able to feel the bullets whiz only mere inches from his head. And then suddenly, there had been an empty cottage, and Nick had recognized it instantly and it had made his heart drop. He’d wasted no time to storm into the basement, the smell and sight as horrible as it had been before. And he’d thrown his arms around his friend, he’d shaken him, screamed at him to breathe, but nothing had happened.

And Nick remembered that fear. It had been only a year ago after all. Nick remembered that basement as if he himself had been locked down there for three months. He remembered what it was like to feel every single bone in somebody’s body when you picked them up and they were merely lifeless skin over bones. He remembered that fear, because he still saw it daily in his friend.

And even though Nick had not been tortured for three months by a psychopath, even though Nick had escaped right before that could happen; he knew. And Brian knew that he knew. They shared a connection; a strange kind of bond that was both terrifying and more profound than anything that Nick had ever imagined.

Only he and Brian knew how truly evil people could be.

And Nick had realized that things would never be able to get back to how they were. His innocence was gone completely. He didn’t trust people unless he knew them and that, in the music industry, was kind of a hard pill to swallow. Nick was terrified of being alone, made sure that somebody -preferably a bodyguard- was with him at all times, and never, ever went golfing again.

But he could see that Brian had it worse. Could see it in the way everybody was currently pretending not to notice that the plagued Backstreet Boy had fallen asleep with his head in his arms on the table. Johnny kept murmuring along awkwardly, rehashing the same suggestions over and over again. That they had to make sure that everybody agreed to this, that there was no one left out, that if this was what they really wanted to do, then so be it.

And no, Nick wasn’t sure. How could he ever be sure?

Honestly, it all seemed pretty useless. What did being in a music group really matter anyway? Why should he care about what would happen? Enough had already happened to him. But yet, he wanted a future. He wanted to make money with the one thing that he’d once liked more than anything else on the planet. He wanted to perform again, he wanted that rush, that high, that maybe, and just maybe could make the darkness go away for a little while. But what if it didn’t work?

Because he’d tried, in the studio. And it had been very unnerving how he couldn’t feel anything while he sang.

He used to be able to feel a song, to bring it like he meant every word. But no longer.

He wondered if Brian felt the same.

He tried to gently nudge Brian awake when he saw his friend’s face twist in fear. There was no need for nightmares here. Yet, at the same time, Brian seemed to really need his sleep. Nick gave him an awkward smile when he opened his eyes and sat up like nothing happened.

“So, can it be assumed that we’re all in agreement?” Johnny finally completed his monologue.

Brian’s eyes widened slightly and he looked at Nick questioningly for help. Nick shrugged and nodded.

Brian’s frown only deepened so Nick took his pen and wrote it down.

Seems like we’re on a break again.

“I want to work,” Brian protested. All faces slowly turned his way and he reddened considerably.

“Are you sure?” Kevin questioned hesitatingly.

“I can work,” Brian nodded adamantly.

Kevin’s gaze crossed Nick’s. They both knew that Brian was in no shape to be in a full time boy band again. So Nick cleared his throat, “I can’t.”

All eyes slowly turned his way now and he sighed, “I’m sorry, I just... I don’t feel it, you know?”

Kevin nodded quickly, “Totally understandable.”

Nick kept his eyes on the table, but felt Brian’s gaze burn through the side of his head. “I guess I just need more time,” he whispered.

AJ was nodding frantically and Nick saw relief in Howie’s eyes as well. Nick couldn’t read Brian’s expression, but the way the older singer squinted at him didn’t predict anything good. “I guess we can record though,” Nick added quickly, “Just, try not to push the album until we’re a hundred percent satisfied with everything.”

“Right,” Kevin grunted, “Perspective is what we need.”

“We’re gonna totally lose all audience,” Brian grumbled, “But seems like nobody cares about that particular thing.”

“Don’t be overdramatic,” Howie interjected, “We’ll be fine. The base is there.”

Brian shrugged in that typical, fine-but-I’m-still-not-fine-with-it way. Nick had seen it countless times. He would bottle it up, and then would smack you over the head with it another time. At least that little bit of Old Brian was still there. It was annoying, but familiar, and Nick smiled at that thought.


Brian stopped him down the hallway though. “You really did not need to do that.”

Nick shrugged without looking back at his follower, “Do what?”

“You’re fine. You can work.”

“How would you know that?”

Brian gave him an exasperated look, grabbing Nick’s arm as he caught up with him, “I’m fine. You don’t have to help me.”

“But I do,” Nick turned around, staring back at his friend adamantly. They had been through a lot together.

Not only last year, but all those years before that.

And he would’ve never talked back at Brian in the past.

He’d admired him, worshipped him even. But then they’d grown up. And Nick had started to notice these little things that made Brian just as human as everybody else.

Brian’s eyes were intense and his jaw clenched, “You don’t need to save me, Nick. Not anymore. I’m so grateful you did that day, but that’s not your job anymore. I can take care of myself.”

“Is that why you fell asleep in the middle of the meeting today?”

Brian broke his gaze and frowned, “It was boring.”

“No, it wasn’t the reason,” Nick said.

“So what do you want to hear?” Brian growled, “That I can’t sleep? Because I can’t. You happy now?”

Nick sighed, leaning against the wall now, “I couldn’t either. In the beginning, I mean.”

Brian took a place next to him, sliding down the wall slowly, “When did everything get so fucked up.”

“I can tell you the exact moment, but let’s not go back to that.”

“Yeah.”

“We need distractions,” Nick mumbled.

Brian’s eyes flicked to a point near the opposite that Nick wasn’t exactly sure of, “How?”

“AJ is having a big poker game tonight,” Nick opted, “Let’s give it a try.”

“You forget one thing,” Brian smiled, his gaze still resting on the opposite wall.

“What?”

“We’re both rubbish at poker.”