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Prologue




























 

 

The whisper found its way into the air, loud enough to tear that blanket of silence that had fallen into the room.

“I...”

Fingertips touched the face, leaning against those lips that were ready to say something that would make everything even more complicated and difficult.

“No. Please. Just don’t say it.”

It was just so heartbreaking that plea. A stab into a soul that was already crying, weeping for something so good that was slipping away so cruelly from its fingers, Those fingers that now touched their mates, holding them as if they could put up another objection.

Another reason for not letting everything end in that way.

“Just tell me why. Just give me a reason why we can’t... “ A sob broke the voice, forcing out a tone that turned into another knife. “ Please.”

Silence. Sad blue eyes that didn’t, or couldn’t, managed to hold the gaze. “You don’t know what it is. You can’t know. And I... “ Those blue eyes looked down, sadder than they had been before. - I can’t let it happen now.”

For a moment, the other voice didn’t know what to say. What more could it say to make the other one listen to its words? Words that just wanted to be heard; words that just wanted to be accepted and cradled as if they were something precious. As if they hold all the truths, and the key for those two souls to be finally happy and complete.

And, in that silence, only two breathing could be heard, one the opposite of the other. Only two heartbeats made themselves echoing against the walls, their rhythm faster and faster as seconds passed by.

It was now or never. It was the only chance he got to make it work, to make him see that they could work together because they fit. Perfectly. Two halves of the same being. Two incomplete souls that needed each other to be finally complete.

“I know perfectly what it is. I know perfectly that what we have isn’t just friendship. And you know it too. “ Everything was black around them, no one had thought about turning the lights on. But it was such a nice night, one of those where stars shone so brightly and the moon danced on the floor, creating and drawing shadows so it could play with someone. Still, he couldn’t see the other boy although every features of his face were so mesmerized into his head that he could already pictured his expression in that moment: a sad smile curving the lips, blue eyes that now were more like the grey sky of a storming day. “ I love you. And I’m not afraid to say it.”

Those fingers stopped abruptly that caressing, soft and gentle touches on the cheek that had managed to bring up heat and warmth. Yet, he was still there. He was still close, closer that they had ever been in a lifetime: his skin was still caressed by his breath, a soft wind that sent shivers up and down his spine; his mere presence intoxicated the room, being the only aroma that he could taste everywhere around him. But that little space of distance left between them suddenly seemed like there was an ocean dividing them.

“You can’t. Please...” It was just a broken whisper and it sound forced, as if the voice wanted to say something else, something that could convey happiness because those words... weren’t those words what he would have loved to hear? However now they sounded like a curse. A torture.  Because he couldn’t take those words and make them his, letting happiness filling him as if he was an empty vase.

He just couldn’t let himself.

Not now.

“But I can. And I do. “ The voice got closer and hands blocked the smaller boy as if they didn’t want to let him run away before that discussion was settled. “ I know that you do too.”

“I...”

“Don’t. “ The voice became firmer. Stronger. He was tired of that façade. He was tired of being told what he was supposed to do and what he couldn’t. He wanted it. He wanted him, as fierce as it could possible to feel. “ Don’t say that I can’t love you. Stop saying that I’m taking this thing too seriously. Or that I’m too young to know what love is. This isn’t just me misunderstanding our friendship. This is me loving you. This is me feeling what you feel about me, equally and probably more than I’ve ever loved someone else in my life. Don’t bullshit me.”

Foreheads touched each others, leaning so close that all they could see, all they could do was let themselves be swallowed by that infinite blue colors, of different shades but holding the same brightness and intensity.

“It’s not a fairytale. There’s no happy ending guaranteed this time.”

“That’s what it is all about? This is your reason for this… - He shook his head, as if it could take away that thought. “ Are you afraid that I’m gonna break your heart? That I won’t stand by you?”

“No.”

“Are you afraid of breaking my heart?”

“No.”

“Then why? For Christ’s sake, Bri! Why? Why are you being so stubborn?”

Nick watched Brian biting down on his lips, closing his eyes in that peculiar way that told everyone that he was irritated. That told Nick that he was exasperated by him and those million questions that he usually asked him, because no one else had the same patience like Brian. And that time wasn’t different at all because there was so much more in stakes than a curiosity that needed to be filled: Nick had cornered Brian, blocked him into a position where he couldn’t escape, he couldn’t run away without giving him an answer.

And Nick wanted it now. And he wanted it to be the one he had desired and wished for so long.

Too long.

Nick was tired of dancing around the same point, circling and circling it until they became too afraid to actually take the last step. He had done it so many times, nights when he had almost crossed a line before a voice would block him and whisper that their friendship, so special and so important, was about to be doomed with a kiss.

But he wanted it.

He wanted Brian.

They could make it work. They could make it last longer than infinity. They could and that thought was bigger than the fear, an anticipation of endless days in the sun while winter kept staying in the shadows.

What was Kevin always saying about them? Oh, right. If one of them would jump, the other would follow him in a blink, without even thinking about the consequences. And, in that moment, Nick was about to jump, taking Brian’s hand so he was damn sure that they wouldn’t get separated. But Brian was putting up a defense and a resistance that Nick hadn’t foreshadowed. Brian was digging his heels into the ground, his objections only empty words because Nick could see through him.

For the first time Nick could see something that he had never seen before in those eyes. He could see fear. Uncertainty. Indecision. And those shadows weren’t able to make him stop, to analyze the situation and trying to understand where that fear came from. No, quite the opposite. Those gray clouds only fueled his need, pushing him to take another step, and another one. And another one until Brian couldn’t escape, until Brian couldn’t refuse to admit that what they could have was way stronger than fear.

“I’m not being stubborn. “ Brian replied, trying to putting so much strength and fierceness into his tone. “ You’re the one that can’t see what it is at stake.”

“I can only see that you are acting like a coward, something that I’ve never thought it could happen.”

“I’m not a coward. “ The hiss came out with a light that, finally, swept away that dullness in Brian’s eyes. “ I’m trying to protect you.”

“From what?”

“From what could happen. From what it might happen in a couple of months.”

Brian lowered his head, not wanting Nick to see those tears that were trying to push their ways on the cheeks. He always kept his cool, he always acted as if it wasn’t something that big, something that wasn’t going to change his whole world and life.

But deep inside Brian was scared.

How could he tie Nick into that mess? He loved him, that had never been questioned or doubted. And that love, that deep and strong feeling intertwined around a boy that had became the centre of his world, was the reason why he didn’t let himself close. He didn’t allow himself to be that close, surrounded by Nick’s aroma and those eyes that could make him forget everything around him, pulling him into an ocean when nothing could go wrong. Sirens were calling him, beckoning him into a surrender that didn’t feel like giving up; dangerously he was playing with a fire that could end up into a burning flame and, that was the worst thought of all, it could end up hurting Nick badly.

How could he let it happen?

If the surgery went wrong, if he would end up dead, how could Brian let Nick go on as if half of his heart hadn’t died too?

“That’s your fear, then? That you could die?” An ironic laugh started to bubble inside Nick’s throat, the only mean he knew to defeat that paralyzing fear that, despite his words and facade, was torturing since the day Brian had announced that he needed a surgery.

A heart surgery.

Almost unconsciously, one hand travelled up from the arms, stopping on that same place where, in a few months, a doctor was going to open as if it wasn’t nothing. As if it didn’t matter the world to him. As if the world wasn’t going to turn cold and grey if...

No. Nick didn’t even let his mind finish that thought.

That was why being blunt was the only choice in that moment. It was something so big, so impossible to deal with that it was better to push under the rug, making it seems like it wasn’t that challenging or serious, Brian wasn’t going to die. Brian was going to be just fine and that was the end of that discussion.

“Just because you don’t want to accept it, it doesn’t mean I can...”

“Can what? Stopping living? Putting everything in hold just because there is a minimal chance that you aren’t going to make it? That’s your solution?”

“It’s not small, Nick. Just because you don’t like it...”

“You want me to admit that I’m scared? You want me to tell you that I’m scared shit about you and your heart? “ Nick found himself suddenly shouting, his emotions feeling like they had decided to ride a rollercoaster without even saying nothing. “ Because I am. Fuck! What kind of person do you think I am?”

The confession hit a nerve in Brian, a string that wasn’t ready to untie itself from that part of his soul that was still trying to fight that unbelievable decision that the mind had taken. As always his first thought was to reassure Nick but, at the same time, another one found a way to make himself heard: what about him? Who was going to reassure him? But that thought was crashed as if it was a noisy bee: one hand, a foot and there it was gone. He needed to be strong. He needed to be confident if he wanted Nick to believe him, and to understand why that idea couldn’t became real.

Not now.

“Nick, I know you care. So why can’t you understand why it’s a mistake?”

“Because it’s not a mistake. How can it be, Brian? I love you. You love me. Why can’t we be together? Why can’t I stay with you, by your side, instead than watching and suffering?”

“Because you will suffer. If I die, those months are going to be the constant reminder of what you had and lost. I can’t let you go through that. I can’t hurt like that.”

“Bullshit, Brian. Bullshit.”

“Nick, try to be...”

“No. You’re the one being unreasonable! You’re the one hurting both of us and you can’t even see how wrong you are.”

Was he really unreasonable? Was he really so caught up into his “hero complex” that he couldn’t see the truth? Nick was there, in front of him. Nick was there, looking at him with those eyes bearing so much pain, so much anger and frustration. So much, infinite love. Was he really that masochist to give it up? Brian’s resolution faltered. He was struggling to control himself, the temptation to just throw everything out of the window and kiss Nick was so strong, vibrating inside his veins and making his nerves a bundle of never “ ending trembles.

He could do it. Nothing was really holding him back. He could kiss Nick, ask and beg forgiveness for that foolish and stupid idea, and spend those months trying to make the most of them. At least, if something was really going to happen, he wasn’t going to have any regret.

Brian stood on his tiptoes, his hands cupping Nick’s face and lips finally meeting their sisters and companions. It was sweet, it was only a small caress that left everything out in the open, free for them to grab it and make it the best thing ever happened. Kissing Nick was like finally discovering a part of himself that he had never been able to see, touch or just imagine; kissing Nick made the whole world turning into a myriad of colors and sensations, fireworks that exploded in the dark and, yet, they didn’t hurt or burn. Kissing Nick was going home, finally, that place where there wasn’t need to hide or wear a mask.

Kissing Nick was magical and, at the same time, was a slight stab in that frail heart of his. With a kiss, Brian was dooming both of them in living half alive, worrying every single moment and not really knowing what the future could hold for them. And Nick... God, Nick was so young! He had all the time in the world to find someone to look after and care, he had all the time in the world to settle down and deal with life and death, ups and downs.

Nick didn’t deserve those months of not knowing, of living as if nothing was really set in stones or wondering if that kiss would be the last. He deserved so much more, taking whatever life was about to offer them now that the world was finally falling in love with them. He deserved to have fun just like any other boy of his age, going out and meet people who... well, who were healthier than him.

And Nick would never had that chance if Brian didn’t go out that room now.

So, just as sudden as he kissed him, Brian broke the kiss off abruptly. Blue eyes looked at him, so confused and pained, full of a hurt that Brian knew he was the one to blame. But it was for the best. That was the best option, no matter how much Nick was going to fight him. No matter how much his own heart was breaking in that very moment, shattering down in pieces because there was no heroic sacrifice in what he was doing: it was cruel. It was intentional, worst of all. But one day Nick was going to understand why he was doing that. Maybe it wouldn’t be enough to forgive him but he could understand the reason behind it.

He had to.

“Please... “ Nick’s broken plea echoed inside the room, fingers tightened up their hold around Brian’s waist. He wasn’t going to let him disappear. He wasn’t going to let him out of the room, out of his life. Not after that kiss. Not after giving him the proof that they did belong to each other, they did complete each other in ways that it was almost impossible to say and define. “ Don’t do this.”

“Nick...”

“No. No. No. No.”

“It’s for the best.” Brian’s voice was latched with tears, not ashamed anymore to let them stream down his face.

“It’s not. You know it’s a lie. “ Nick didn’t let go, no matter if Brian was trying to get himself free from his grip. He wasn’t going to let him go. “ Please. Let me try. Just give me one chance. You know that I’ll be good.”

“Nick.” Brian whispered that name in a broken tone, tears running down his face and not even an ounce of shame if someone, if Nick, was going to see them.

“Please. You can’t do it on your own.”

“I can’t tie you in this.”

“Yes, you can. I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna take care of you. I’m gonna stand by your side every step. Please, don’t shut me out.” Desperation and anguish were so vivid in Nick’s words, in those lips who frantically tried to convince Brian to let him stay. Or convince him to stay. It didn’t matter, it just mattered that they stayed together.

“I’m not. I’m trying to do the right thing. Even if it hurts. “ Brian leaned his forehead against Nick’s, one last glance to those eyes that had always been so mesmerizing. “ Please, let me go.”

“No.”

“Nick. Please. You’re gonna thank me later.”

“You’re crazy. I love you. That’s not gonna change just because you’re a fucking coward.”

Brian took the blunt force of those words, letting it wave around him as if he didn’t even want to put up a resistance. He deserved it, after all. He was breaking Nick’s heart, he was shattering his own sick heart, he didn’t deserved to be protected and defended by the fall out.

“I know. And that’s why you have to let me go.”

Nick was openly crying, he didn’t care anymore about those salty tears streaming down his face. Frantically his mind tried to come up with a thousand and infinite reasons why it was a mistake, why he could really be something amazing for Brian. But Brian was stubborn. And scared. And so fucking convinced that he was doing the wise thing, that protecting Nick from whatever chaos his surgery could bring, was the most important thing. And Nick... Nick didn’t know how to object. He was at loss, mostly because of that blinding pain that had started to burn within himself.

And that, at the end, turned out to be his mistake.

Brian took that chance, that window of opportunity, to free himself from Nick’s grip. It physically hurt him to do so, especially since half of his heart was screaming and begging to be closer, so closer that nothing could ever distance them ever again.

“I’m sorry Nick.”

Before Nick could reply, before Nick could reach out and block him once again, Brian opened the door and closed it behind his back.

Nick stood there. Nick stood there, watching that closed door and hearing, oh so distinctly, how his heart was breaking into million pieces, each one of them bleeding and pounding as if a knife had carved its way through bones and muscles. He could run after Brian. He could open that door and beg his way back to those arms.

But he knew that it was hopeless.

Brian had made his decision and there was no turning back: they could fight, they could scream and yell but, at the end, nothing and no one could make the older boy change his mind.

So Nick stood there, a hand placed upon the wooden surface of the door. Nick stood there, not knowing that Brian was still on the other side, a hand still wrapped around the knob and his forehead leaning against the door. Conflicted. Torn. Hurt and bleeding. A deep weight placed upon his shoulder, the knowledge that he had just broken something that could have been so magical and so perfect.

The realization that, maybe, he had just wasted his only chance to be happy and complete.

Chapter End Notes:
When you shouldn't start a new project, because you're busy with the new work and you have so many stories left behind but... I had this chapter already written and it's an old story that I've written in Italian. And it's Briangst, what's better? XD